StandingStrong

I haven't posted much about my personal life on here in awhile. I've typed out many posts only to delete them instead of hitting the submit button. I guess for me, the events weren't so much of importance. It was my feelings that I needed to deal with.

After having sorted through and processed all that has been going on, I went to my attorney and put in motion what I needed to do in order to file Contempt of Court against my XAH as he's not followed through with his end of our seperation agreement in regards to our dissolution.

Recent events concerning one of our children have helped me to finally release and let go of XAh completely. That last ember of hope that I'd been carrying in hopes that he'd get better someday has died in recent weeks. I can still hope that someday he'll get better - but I guess I've given up and accepted that he probably won't. I know am basing any part of my life on holding onto that hope.

After coming to finally ACCEPT the reality - I found peace. In that happening, many things became more clear to me. Then came the issues with our child and that has brought me to letting go completely. During all this time, the saying "more will be revealed" has really been in play in my life.

XAh called me tonight in regards to the child we are having issues with. It was during that conversation that I really was reminded of the man that I'd been living with all those years. The intense anger that I heard in his voice and the words that he was saying in regards to our own child was just so awful for me to hear. I'd heard it directed at me for years - but to have him speak of our child this way just really made me see XAh in a whole new light - and not a pleasant one! It was another dose of reality.

The topic of XAH having not followed through on his part of the dissolution was breifly touched on during our conversation. His response was "Yea, they are probably going to put me in jail" as if it wasn't a big deal. Truly showing me that this man really has not grown at all. Still the same angry, irresponsible, sick minded person that he's always been. He's lost his home, his wife, and 2 of our 3 children want nothing to do with him. And he's still not ready to change. He's not even close to hitting his bottom.

I am amazed that this is the man that I loved with all of my heart. Amazed at just how coldhearted he is. Amazed at so many things. I can only be grateful that I have seen him for how he is and chose to save myself.

Tomorrow is a new day. One where I will deal with the issues with our child alone (as XAH has said he's done with said child) as I've always dealt with the issues alone. Tomorrow I will go on with my life. Tomorrow I will continue to do the best I can do. Tomorrow I will again be reminded that I did the right thing in divorcing this man that I once loved so very much.

Tomorrow is another day where I can take another step in my recovery. And for that, I am ever so grateful.

StandingStrong

While I didn't elaborate on it - and hit the submit button before I meant too, lol - I truly just am so disturbed by this man's anger at our child. Disturbed as I realize that the same anger he's directed at me all these years is being now directed at our child! I am truly amazed that I loved this man so much!!! It practically sickens me now.

I also worry alot about the one child that still has contact with XAH. This child accepts how he is and understands more of how he is than I ever seemed too as I lived in my world of denial. But I worry nonetheless for reasons I don't want to get into on this post.

How a man can live knowing he's turning so many people against him is beyond me. How he can be such a part of his kid's lives for years and then dismiss them from his life and let them go so easily is beyond my comprehension.

I know that alcoholism is progressive - but ironically, XAH doesn't drink nearly as much as he used too. I think the damage has already been done in his warped mind.

Truly - today I am just so disgusted at XAH's behavior. His words and attitude towards our child.

Truly - I just don't even know how to put into words how I feel.

WantsOut

They say love is blind. We codies never realize how true that is until we look at our old love with today's eyes.

You are handling things so well - I see acceptance, growth, reflection. Check you out, you're like way recovering

Re: your second post - maybe he's far enough along now that it doesn't take him as much to get drunk, actually a very scary physical sign.

mfisher

I am going through the same experience and emotions with my soon "needs to be ex".
I have not spoken with him in 2 years. We are now discussing divorce issues which he has been ignoring. Note to everyone, he wants to know if we can now expedite the divorce he has been dragging his feet on so he can get married. Anyway at some point in our conversations he needs to attack our 20 and 22 year old son's whom will have nothing to do with him.
The things he says are horrible and I cannot believe it. The way I had to look at it is that he has to put the focus are someone else. He is unwilling to take anyway responsibility for any of this. He too is now claiming he drinks less because his girlfriend has kids and he has to be coherent when "they are around" needless to say this really fries my ass.
I have to try to take it all with a grain of salt. He is who he is and thank god I don't have to deal with his insanity on a houly basis.
I too am sickend, but also grateful I had the strength to move on.

Cynay

*hugs*

I know it hurts....I have been somewhat dealing with issues of letting go and it can be a struggle.

Maybe losing that ember is a gift hon, As much as we wish they could see what we see... maybe they are seeing just what they need to see and that frees us to wipe the last tear away and really let go and become excited about our futures.

I dont want to hold hurt and resentment inside because I dont want to take any of that into a new relationship with me.... A relationship with a family member, friend, possible love.... whom ever the relationship is with that kind of baggage will warp the way I feel and respond. Just let it go hon.... He is not worth the space he is taking up in your mind.

Nuudawn

I find it easiest to realize that my ex is a very sick individual....his self centred actions all come from pain and fear. There is good in him as I'm certain there is in your husband but addictions eventually take over the individual. It is useless to expect rationale thought or behaviour from the alcoholic or addict...and as long as they are still using and without active recovery...they are simply poison to anyone who cares for them...you and your child.
When you can't be good to and for yourself, you can't be of much good to anyone else either.

StandingStrong

The ember of hope having died has indeed been a good thing. And I'm grateful that it all came about after I had accepted the reality of many things. It just pains me that he could talk about our child(ren) the way that he does.
As I've said before, I was used to it being aimed at me. But for our kids, it's a whole other feeling.

Today XAH called me at work. (In regards to the son that he was just talking negatively about last night). *sigh* The Jekyll/Hyde syndrome still at play - just like he used to do with me. Suddenly he's wanting to know what's going on with son, wanting to be in-the-know, and all that. It's really rather annoying to me - which is funny because a year ago I'd have been all over that thinking, hoping, believing that maybe he was really changing!!

I see the reality - I haven't lost sight of that.
I'm over living in denial and living on empty promises, words, and the land of wishes.
But it does pain me that he is the way he is with our kids. As I've mentioned, he's ruined his relationship now with two of them. Only time will tell with the other one - more than likely it will hit when the youngest one gets older, just as it has the other two.

As much as it pains me to see his attitude showing towards the kids, I'm soooo grateful to have seen the truth before this hit. I know I did the right thing - I have NO DOUBT about that. I'm moving on.

Cynay

There you go hon.... That is what I like to hear.

I love what you said about not living in the land of wishes. I use to get caught up too in the bait he would throw out there, it was like he wanted to keep me hooked but that was all.

Life is too short.... Not worry about what he is saying where the kids are concerned.... that is just his quacking, my ex did the same thing with with his daughter... You cant control it so let it go sweetie.

elizabeth1979

This is a big gift and on my gratitude lists alot!