wut2do

Hello to all! I have been browsing through this site for quite some time now. Some of your posts made me laugh, cry, nod my head in agreeance and shake it in disagreeance. A few posts made my stomache ball up, my jaw drop and say out loud "OMG its not only me." You see I have been married 12 years and unbeknownst to me (until 2 yrs ago) my husband has been using cocaine, meth (IV use), pills, hallucigenics and anything that he thought he could get high on. He was able to "control" it until March of last year when my world came crumbling down. He was busted at our home with 2 oz of meth. You see, I live in the great State of TX and whats mine is yours and whats yours is mine. I spent 11 days in jail and lost my kids (2) for 7 months. He took all responsiblity for everything and they dropped all of my charges. Because of his drug use we were ran through the ringer with CPS. My kids are home now and all is OK with that.
Ok I guess I should mention that before this was hubbies 1st run in with the law so he managed to get out with 6 years probation. Of course there was all the "jailhouse" promises..Im sure some of you know what I mean. And I believed him ! Heres where I am looking for some support or suggestions.
We tried to enroll him in 4 different rehab progams(the state was paying the tab because of the Cps case -we cant afford) but no one would take him because he had be clean for 30 days! SO then that was his excuse and now rehab is not an option for him! I had been sooo proud of him. He started out attending NA but stopped going because he said it made him want the d*** worse. He has relapsed (meth) 6 times in the last month and a half. Now in the past he would use a gram(or more) at a time, and every one if the times hes used recently has been no more than one bowl. ( he is not using via IV). I am sooooo proud of him for giving up the needle. I am sooo proud of him for staying sober 6 days out of 7.... but that ONE day just breaks me up! hes saying ----well its only a little......I say ---yes but you know it will turn into more...... he says----- but Im not shooting........i dont think giving up one makes the other any better! I dont know what to say!

WOW Ive written a book here.... It just actually feels good to get this out. How do I handle these "little" relapses. (although to me there is no "little" relapse)
Anyway.. you people here all seem to have some wise thoughts and suggestions... I m sure SOMEONE out there has been through something like this!

mallowcup

Short of leaving him, I don't think you have to worry about what to do about the relapses. If he get's caught and he will, CPS wil be less forgiving next time. What kind of life do you want for yourself? What are the terms of his probation? CPS is aware, the probation officers are aware. Those are alot of eyes watching this situation. I think if I were you, what I'd do is start figuring out how you'll support yourself while he's in jail. Get something going for yourself.

cmc

Hi,
I'm glad that you have been reading here and learning about this disease. What this forum is about is YOU and we are all here to learn how to help ourselves whether we live with the addict/alcoholic or not.
I am very concerned about the fact that you have already lost your kids once and am wondering how is continued use will affect that situation. If my husband's use were to endanger my children in any way- he would be out the door and out of the picture fast. Does he use in your home? If so I can only say that I hope you will consider your childrens and your welfare OVER the welfare of your husband. In Alanon and Naranon I learned that I have NO control over the other person... but I do have control over myself and what I will or will not allow to happen in my home.
My experience with the addict in my life (my son) is that he often hid the extent of his using or tried to moderate. I do not see moderation of use as recovery nor do I consider using 6 times in 6 weeks to be relapses. Sorry if that is not what you want to hear but it sounds to me like he is telling you what you want to hear so he can still continue to use.
The top priority in my mind would be the children and protecting your finances so you can take care of them. This disease is progressive.
Going to Alanon, Naranon and open AA and NA meetings will help, I recommend you give them a try. We can learn to change.

dollydo

Welcome,

I agree with Mallow, short of leaving him, there really are no positive options.

This will get worse, not better. Your children should be your first and only priorty.

Your the only Mom they have, do the right thing for them.

Keep posting, read all the stickeys on both this section of Sr and those posted on the family & friends of addicts.

Dolly

wut2do

yes you two I do agree. No he does not use in the home. I have TRULY put my foot down on that. Believe me I have been Sherlock Holmes on that!! We moved 100 miles away from where this happened. (where he lived all his life). Prior to that he wouldnt leave that hellhole for anything. That was the first step I thought of recovery. He completely abstained from anything for 8 months. (2 1/2 of those were jail time). When I attended the NA meetings with him I understood that relapse was a part of recovery. So part of me thinks that with 8 months sober after 10 years using(2 years heavy) is a good start. in the year since this happened hes had no ties with "old friends" He has been off to such a good start. I have learned to be aware of any use thats why I know its in "moderation" His voice changes with the first hit. He comes home, eats and sleeps. I havent seen him up all night but 1 time since this has happened. I know the signs. He is maintaining employment. Is a great dad, (high or sober)- i know some will argue with that and I feel like he is really trying. I want to be supportive, yet not manipulated. Yet I know somehow I am still enabling. I have seen such a change in the last year. And I know each time hes used hes been so angry with himself. On the same note I know I am not responsible for his actions and only he can make the decision to be clean. Dont you think that some of the progress accounts for something. Isnt this all part of the recovery-support?????
As for our children, I have promised him that they will never be put through that situation again...and I mean it... that is part of the reason I am here. But they make it so damn hard dont they??????

mallowcup

If I were sitting across from you and I was the CPS worker or the probation officer, after he gets caught using, explain it to me? If this happens, you will have this conversation. What will you say?

wut2do

but you see that is not going to happen. (laugh if you will) That is what I came here for!! I am sure you have all dealt with a loved one and Im not sure what your personal story is... but CPS is out of the picture.. my case is closed and there is no reason for them to be renotified. I was unaware of the amount of drugs my AH had and my children and I had been staying at his parents off and on for about a month before this happened. The probation is another story.. . I am not here to be analyzed for what has happened, I thought this was a place where I could tell my story and not be judged. I was here because I thought someone would understand what I am going through. I have been married to the same man for 12 years, I am 30. We have 2 children together. He has always supported me, maintained employment, spent time with his children. He has never, hit me , ran around on me, he has never called me a name or even raised his voice at me. The problem::: he is an addict. Being an addict is something I know absolutely nothing about. I see someone who had become helpless to an addiction, who maintained 8 months of sobriety and is having a hard time. I DO NOT want to find myself in the situation I was in a year ago. I WILL NOT find myself in that situation. But when a good husband works all week, comes home every night, has dinner with his family, plays with his kids and everything is So Brady Bunch all week then one day he comes home with a helluva buzz....not s***faced what do I say or do? That is what I came here for. I am not making excuses for him doing it... "once is too much and a thousand is not enough" right? I know that no matter how little or how much it is makes no difference. any amount is wrong. I KNOW this...... but what I was trying to get info on here was shouldnt the 8 mo sober record account for something?

dollydo

All I can say is that addicts can go for months without using, my ex could do it...however when he did go out, he really did a bang up job.

Keep this in the forefront of your mind...he will always be an addict, it's just a matter of whether he is active or not....there is no cure for addiction.

Then ask yourself...are you willing to ride the rollercoaster of addiction with him?


If you are, fine, that's your decision.

fatherof4

how are you going to feel if he hurts the kids because he is just alittle buzzed or if he hurts somebody on the way back from him useing elsewhere.then what????

cmc

I know that it's a lot for you to take in all at once, but we have been through this and have become educated... sadly the hard way to learn is how many of us have come to know more about addiction than anyone would want.
Even if he is a great father the rest of the time- using the types of drugs he has/does can affect his ability to be a proper parent. It's good you don't allow him to use in your home and it's good he has had some clean time, but right now he is still using and...he comes home high, does he drive himself home?
I am not judging you but giving you information and sharing my experience so that perhaps someone else can learn and be spared the pain, heartache and all the rest of the negative outcomes.
As long a person continues to use- and refuses to go to meetings,there is no recovery taking place. He is a functional user. Relapse is part of recovery- but I would say that weekend use is not a relapse. When he is ready to stop then he will. In the meantime there are things you can do to help yourself and your kids and that is what others are sharing here. Regarding your children, all you have to do is go to a few Adult Child focus meetings to find out what it's like for children to live with the unpredictability and fear of having an active user as a parent. At the very best, he cannot be 'there' for them as a father should be and their lives are going to be affected by even his weekly use. It's not something easy to hide and kids figure things out pretty fast- they may even want to try it out for themselves. Many of my son's friends began using by finding their parents' stash. Take some time to think about what has been shared, and I hope you will come back and share with us how you are doing. I wish you all the best in this difficult time and remember that you are not alone- we have all lived this and in one way or another our story is the same.

dayxday

I have a relative that was addicted to cocaine, crack, meth anything along that line. He went to rehab then went 5 years without using. Once he started again he didn't stop. Two more times to rehab and now is is so far down in the gutter we expect the next phone call to be that he is dead. He lies and he steals anything to get the next high.

You say rehab is not an option for him now? And he has relapsed 6 times in the last month. NA meetings make him want it more? Sounds to me like these are excuses to justify his using.

You can not control an addiction. Just because you insist it won't be in your house doesn't mean that will be so. It's his addiction not yours, he wasn't thinking about you and the children the first time and he won't be thinking about you and the children when he decides to use again.

It took you seven months for CPS to approve you being the responsible parent for your children again (the one to insure that drugs do not impact their life). If it happens again, how long do you think it will take you to get your kids back.... if ever?

StandingStrong

Here's what I can tell you about my experience with an alcoholic husband that is a binger! A binger is one that doesn't necessarily use on a daily basis. Sometimes he could go days, weeks, and even months without drinking. And when he wanted to hide it, let me tell you - he got really good at it! And he lied about it and he denied it even when I knew the signs.

When I married him, I knew nothing about alcoholism. The little bit I did know was in reference to those that were daily drinkers, those that got drunk pretty much every night of the week. I was naive and uneducated on the topic of alcoholism and addiction.
And because I loved my husband with all of my heart and he was my life!, I had that same thought pattern as you. When he'd make it a day or a week longer than the last binge, I wanted to be proud of him. It instilled hope in me that he was going to get better and we were going to have the life that I'd always dreamed about, the life that we'd talked of having.
But I can tell you that after years and years of having that hope come crashing down around me and feeling the pain and devastation, it really was more painful than mere words can express.

I thought I was protecting my children from his usage. I tried to not let them see what was going on. But trust me, kids are much more observant and smart than they let on. They know what's going on. At the very least, they know when something isn't right. And then there are those kids that learn what they live - and they learn that drugs are a right and accepted thing to do. While you may think your kids aren't really being affected by your husband's relapses or usage, you are wrong. They've already been affected - they were taken from their home and their parents for 7 long months! And the very thing that took them away (drugs) is still in their life! While you don't want to believe it, and we aren't trying to be mean here, we know from experience that an addict parent does indeed affect their children!

For 15 1/2 years, I lived with a man that I loved with all of my heart. I loved an alcoholic - and I loved him more than I did anyone else in the world. I put myself through H*ll and in the end, I not only suffered, but my kids have been affected in their own way. For 15 1/2 years, I put up with the lies, I snooped and looked for proof and evidence when he was using, and I endured many broken promises and shattered hopes and expectations.

After 18 years of marriage, I found myself divorced. I had hit my bottom. I finally could no longer take that lifestyle.

My exhusband still drinks. He's lost his wife, his house, and two out of three of our children currently have nothing to do with him. He's gotten a DUI and he continues on his journey in addiction.

While we don't want to believe that it's true, and we want to believe that the one we love is different - addiction is not special to anyone. It moves in quietly, it slowly takes over the addict, and it slowly destroys the people that love the addict, and we are left to watch the one we love self destruct - because as painful as it is to hear - addiction truly is progressive. Not just in the usage, but in the damage that it does to the addict. Physically, mentally, and spiritually.

Many addicts believe that they can control their addiction. If they cut back, they are in control. But they are fooling themselves. Drugs and alcohol cannot be controlled by an addict. For a time, it may appear as though they really are doing it - but that time is short lived.

Perhaps your husband isn't doing drugs at your house. But let me ask you, what happens if he is busted with it on his possession? What happens if he buys from an undercover agent? What happens if he's buying and is caught? The results are basically the same. You and your children will be left to fend for yourselves, you'll find yourself in legal trouble as well as financial trouble. Your world will be full of pain and devastation. And you will cry till you think you can't cry anymore - and then you will cry some more. Your heart will feel as though it's broken and you will be miserable and in agony. And all because your husband is an addict. An addict that doesn't seek recovery and you'll wonder then "Why" he didn't stop if he loved you and the kids as much as he claims. And then you'll realize that he didn't stop because he's an addict. And he's an addict that isn't seeking recovery. He's trying to stop on his own free will and that's nearly impossible.

So, tell me something...........are you really proud of your husband for his efforts? Or are you just proud that he's doing better than he did before? Do you feel happy about this achievement? Because if it doesn't make you happy, I don't think you can say you are really proud.

Do you wish to have addiction a part of your life? The life of your kids? Relapses are always one use away. Sometimes the relapse can be a one time thing - sometimes they aren't. Are you willling to accept this game of Russion roullette? Are you willing to take the chance that something may happen to your children again? Are you willing to live your life knowing that it takes one bad drug deal to ruin life as you know it? That it takes one bad dose to possibly kill your spouse? Is this truly the life that you want?

You see, if you want this life, then it's there for you to keep living.
If you wish to change the life you have, then only you can change YOUR part. As long as your husband keeps using, then that's the life he's choosing as he doesnt' even seek recovery.

It's up to you. But know that we don't say the things we say to sound mean and cold. It's because we've been there and we've went through H*ll. We hope to share with you the pain we've beared and the things that we have learned to show you that denial isn't always the best place to be.

((((hugs))))

parentrecovers

lots of good response here, so i'll just say welcome to you, wut2do! k

Pick-a-name

Yet..... In that county.

You've gotten a lot of good advice and things to think about. Sorry that you are in this difficult situation. Truth is, that if he knew he HAD to be clean for 30 days (like he was forced in jail) he could and would be;if getting into that program (or clean w/ NA ) was his top priority. He already found out he might loose his children over this,and because he got out of it once,he still continues to take that risk.

I would want him to move out until he took his recovery seriously enough that I didn't have these concerns. JMO I know that is a very difficult thing,but so is all of this (living with an addict). Most people don't ever have to consider these things, but I learned to accept them because they were "not as bad" as they had been or could be..... It is a progressive disease. Eventually it get's worse than I could imagine.

Glad you found us,keep posting and concentrate on yourself and your kids. Maybe you can't do the big changes yet....that isn't necessary. Little steps still get you in the right direction. I've learned a lot about the options I really have by reading and posting here and it has given me some tools on how to start making healthier choices.

Your kids need you;they can't help themselves...your AH can.

IrshIzNotSmilin

wut2do welcome. What to do? You have gotten excellent advice here. You are young and i am assuming your children are young. Make a plan. I would never tell anyone to leave but you were separated from your children once. It doesn't matter if your case is closed and you can't live as sherlock holmes you don't have a dr. watson to watch your back, just to lighten this up a bit but seriously your children are paramount here. You are their only ok parent right now. Help them. Good luck to you. Keep posting and reading. Irsh

lilac

Just wanted to welcome you to SR !

HolyQow

I saw where Meth addicts only have a six percent rate of recovery..... It must be the most addictive thing out there.

I think all of your focus is on the addict and not on yourself. Not by choice, this is just how most of us end up, not knowing better. I am glad you are here, and hopefully things will become clearer for you. Just keep reading....
and reading... and reading...

wut2do

Thanks for the encouragement!! And yes you are ABSOLUTELY right about the recovery rate for meth addicts.

Im sure so many of you have been through the "oh he is doing so good" and then have all your hope in that person come crumbling down. Thats kind of the thing I am going through now.

I have really found a lot of the information here to be uplifting to tell you the truth!

And I want to apologize for posting this under the alchololic forum... I am still new and I thought I click on the substance abuse link! I will learn to pay closer attention next time!!!