Streamjax

What exactly does it mean to detach from an alcoholic? How does one go about this when they are in love with an alcoholic and living with them? How do you detach when you have needs as well?

lilac

Welcome, Streamjax....I am glad you have found SR !

I am still new to this , but detachment , as I understand it , is separating yourself from the adverse effects of someone's drinking or other addiction. It lets us "let go" of our obsession with the A's behavior. You don't necessarily need to leave the situation physically, but some do.

You learn to not let the actions/reactions of the A effect you like they have.
You don't do for the A things that he/she can do for themselves. (Hard one for me). You realize that all the nagging in the world will not make them quit, they have control over themselves, you have control over you.

There will be others along later with much more insight for you.

Hope to get to know you better.........

Streamjax

Thanks, obviously I'm currently in a relationship with an alcoholic and have just started attending Alanon meetings recently. I've heard the mentioning of detachment and read a little bit about it online.

What I read said you were to emotionally detach from the alcoholic. How do you emotionally detach from someone you're in love with? I think it was referring to detaching from letting their actions bother you and realizing that they have a disease. How do you do this when thier actions directly affect you though.

For example, I've learned in Alanon meetings to stop talking about his drinking and to stop yelling at him the day after he gets wasted.

I tried that and succeeded. Then he got drunk and brought home a homeless guy and passed out in his van leaving this complete stranger in my house with me. The homeless guy hit on me and I told him to get out of my house.

How do you not react to something like that?

Needless to say I did. How do you not? I didn't dwell on it, however.

Then after he was sober for a couple of weeks, he drank again. This time he woke me up by banging on the bedroom windown at 3 a.m. I tried to ignore it and figured he'd locked himself out, but he kept on and kept ringing the doorbell. Eventually I had to let him in because I couldnt sleep. The next day I said nothing.

He was sober for a week. Then Thursday night he came home wasted. I woke up to him sitting next to me. After asking him what several times, he told me he was going home to visit family in Connecticut. I asked him to please let me sleep and I wasn't going to talk to him when he was drinking.

Of course I didn't believe him. He lies when he's drunk. But nevertheless, the next day I came home after work and he wasn't here. When I called him he said, "I told you I was going." "I didn't take you seriously because you were drunk" i said. "Why didn't you at least say goodbye to me" I asked. After questioning him on how he could just leave without talking to me first, he quickly became angry saying "I'm not going to apologize for going to visit my family. I haven't seen them in 3 years"

Obviously that wasn't my issue.

I'm trying to apply what I'm learning, but I have needs in this relationship as well. It isn't ok with me that he just leaves without so much as a goodbye and that he hasn't called me since except to briefly tell me he'd gotten there.

I want to call him so badly and ask him why he is treating me this way but what good is that going to do? He'll just find some way to upset me and rope me into an arguement.

It's hard not to take the things they do personally and where to draw the line between is this alcoholic behavior or does this guy not really love me?

denny57

If you had a boyfriend or husband who did all this without drinking, would you find that acceptable? I spent far too many years excusing inexcusable behavior because he was drinking/drunk. Now I'd ask, what's the difference - is this a good relationship?

Take care.

dobiediva

I tried the detachment thing while staying with him. He took that to mean he could just push the line a little further and try to get away with even more bad behavior. So I had to leave him. I wasn't going to let him disrespect me and blame the disease that he claims he doesn't have. You will just have to make your boundries and then stick to your guns. You are attending meetings and coming here. That's GREAT! You will find the strength to do what you need to do to help YOU. I still love my A very very much. Its hard to stay away from him, but I'm learning that this relationship was going to kill me someday emotionally if not physically (He isn't violent but his disease is progressing pretty quickly and the verbal abuse has been getting worse--who knows what he is capable of after that!) This man isn't in love with me. (He says he is but doesn't show me any love whatsoever) He doesn't respect me. He doesn't want to protect me in any sense of the word (emotionally or physically). Why would I want this for myself?? I don't. Yes I love him, but I am learning to love ME more and to seek what I need to feel that love! I want to be loved and respected in return, not shoved on the back burner til his alcohol tells him he needs a booty call!!

WantsOut

There are two different concepts going on here. One is detachment, the other is the idea of boundaries.

As I understand it, detachment is about not being involved in their drinking and/or drugging for your own sake. No more making sure he gets up on time, bailing him out, or what have you. For me it meant not interacting with my AH while he was drinking. As soon as I knew he was drinking I went into my office and closed the door. I was not involved with any of that.

Now what you need, imo, are some serious boundaries. You asked why he treats you this way. I'll tell you why. You let him. "Letting him" doesn't mean that you don't stop him. You can't do that. You didn't cause this, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. You "let him" in that you stick around for it. I hate that lesson. It took me a long time to fully absorb what it means and I"m still not sure I get it fully. Stick around. We're all learning together.

luv2all

If you keep on attending Al-Anon meetings and listen and share, you'll get your answers when you are ready for them. Then, whatever decisions you make, you'll know they're RIGHT for you. They may not always feel GOOD, but they will feel RIGHT.

Hang in there and please keep coming back here to share with us. We care!

Hugs,
luv2all

StandingStrong

http://soberrecovery.com/forums/frie...detaching.html

Here's a previous thread that was going on concerning detachment. I found it in the "Stickies" of the forum which are above the posts. There is a lot of wonderful info there so I hope you check it out.

I think that Denny's post above really summed it up great!
Gosh, how I wish I'd had the information, the internet, and this forum board years ago!!!!!!

Take one thing at a time. I know it seems overwhelming right now.