A Moment of Clarity
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Ohio
Posts: 105
A Moment of Clarity
I'm curious to learn about others' moments of clarity, when you finally just *knew* the magnitude of what you were dealing with living with an active alcoholic, that things weren't going to change or miraculously get 'better', that lightbulb moment when suddenly reality was staring you in the face and you saw the situation at long last for what it really is / was. The 'ah-ha' moment that broke through your own denial as it pertains to your life with your A?
I've had a few of those over the years. What about you? Anyone care to share?
~GHM
I've had a few of those over the years. What about you? Anyone care to share?
~GHM
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Booneyville USA
Posts: 246
Well seeing it in "black and white" on his cell phone that he had contacted his exgf at 1am for a booty call (even tho' he didn't go--which is irrelevant in my opinion--he tried!) was enough to finally make me say ENOUGH and leave him. And the name calling and nasty attitude when I refused to let him come back certainly stuck the last nail in the coffin!! Hopefully this is the last time I will need to put myself through all of this and I can start to heal. I can honestly say he is getting worse pretty quickly and that has scared me enough to realize there is nothing more I can do. I want out.
Becoming a Butterfly
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
We were on vacation. I went back to our room to see where he was and he had passed out. I was mad and left. When I came back hours later he had awoken and drank every single alcoholic beverage in the minibar, and that thing was packed. Beers, small bottles, mixers, didn't matter, he drank it all.
As I watched him snore and sweat I thought about the $375/day we were paying to be there. What a waste. Then I lied to my son and said AH was just sleeping which was an obvious lie since the room reeked of booze. Then I went outside and walked the beach and thought about how I had ended up in a position that looked so enviable but was in reality totally miserable. I knew he drank too much when I married him but I swear I thought I could love him enough and fill his needs so that he wouldn't need to drink. I began to realize that this was not the case. He told me himself that I was a wonderful wife, so being loved was not the problem. The problem was he was an alcoholic.
As I watched him snore and sweat I thought about the $375/day we were paying to be there. What a waste. Then I lied to my son and said AH was just sleeping which was an obvious lie since the room reeked of booze. Then I went outside and walked the beach and thought about how I had ended up in a position that looked so enviable but was in reality totally miserable. I knew he drank too much when I married him but I swear I thought I could love him enough and fill his needs so that he wouldn't need to drink. I began to realize that this was not the case. He told me himself that I was a wonderful wife, so being loved was not the problem. The problem was he was an alcoholic.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: By the sea
Posts: 415
Originally Posted by WantsOut 
We were on vacation...As I watched him snore and sweat I thought about the $375/day we were paying to be there. What a waste... I knew he drank too much when I married him but I swear I thought I could love him enough and fill his needs so that he wouldn't need to drink. I began to realize that this was not the case. He told me himself that I was a wonderful wife, so being loved was not the problem. The problem was he was an alcoholic.
Wow - I totally can relate to you.
I had my ah-ha moment when we were on vacation too. He was so excited about the vacation...couldn't stop talking about all the things he wanted to do...and when we got there all he did was drink from the moment he got up to the moment he passed out. Hard, hard drinking. I realized that he was out of control. Also, he yelled at me like a madman in front of friends on this vacation too which he had never done before. Lightbulbs started going off.
Then when we got home, he just kept drinking! Started missing work. Started saying crazy and irrational things. It just exploded.
I knew he drank too when I married him. I just thought it was something he'd grow out of as soon as we settled down. He was always telling me that he was looking forward to stopping the drinking and living healthy, etc. I believed him. But I think I denied a lot of stuff. I didn't know anything about alcoholism, but I had twinges of gut feelings that something was wrong. I used to ask the universe to reveal to me what it was that I was picking up on. But I didn't figure it out until recently.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
There are times when the posts on this board are so on-point with what is happening at that very moment in my life, that it's almost scarey! I was thinking today as I was driving home about before we got married, my AH used to dance with me late into the night. The stereo would be blasting "I Feel Like A Woman" by Shania Twain and he'd be dancing me around the vast area between our kitchen and dining room saying to me, "You stick with me, babe, and I will treat you soooo good." Uh-huh. Sure. Stupid me and shame on me!
After our last "fun-filled" vacation to Tucson and Phoenix just before Thanksgiving, complete with all his mood swings, drunken outbursts, silent treatments, tantrums .... I had that ah-ha moment. If I go somewhere now, I go alone. The realization that this was going to stay as it is happened when he started buying those big boxes of wine a few weeks ago instead of just bringing two bottles home at night. Oh, and lest we forget the six-pack and the bottle of Mr. Jumpin-Jack-Flash Daniels sitting up on the dining room server as of this weekend. Yep. That illuminating moment that I had stepped into a HUGE pile of doo-doo that is an insult to the institution of marriage became crystal clear when I saw that the drinking pattern of two years ago is coming back.
After our last "fun-filled" vacation to Tucson and Phoenix just before Thanksgiving, complete with all his mood swings, drunken outbursts, silent treatments, tantrums .... I had that ah-ha moment. If I go somewhere now, I go alone. The realization that this was going to stay as it is happened when he started buying those big boxes of wine a few weeks ago instead of just bringing two bottles home at night. Oh, and lest we forget the six-pack and the bottle of Mr. Jumpin-Jack-Flash Daniels sitting up on the dining room server as of this weekend. Yep. That illuminating moment that I had stepped into a HUGE pile of doo-doo that is an insult to the institution of marriage became crystal clear when I saw that the drinking pattern of two years ago is coming back.
Becoming a Butterfly
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
I just remembered that the next day a resort employee came to refill the minibar . He obviously thought he was going to get a big tip from me for restocking all that booze. He left a disappointed man lol
I think vacations tend to bring out the worst in addicts because you're supposed to have fun on vacation and you know what fun means to them!
I think vacations tend to bring out the worst in addicts because you're supposed to have fun on vacation and you know what fun means to them!
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: iowa
Posts: 93
My series of little ah-ha moments:
1) At amusement park when he had his first seizure.
2) Four days later while he's sedated (still kicking, screaming, swearing all in his sleep) when a Dr. came in and said this isn't enough to make him quit.
3) Our anniversary when he called me at 10:07p.m. driving and not knowing where he was. (then a friend took him to detox)
4) Broke his neck 4 days later, in a halo all summer
5) When all of the above didn't work, and he still demanded money from me to buy beer. I mean like "GIVE ME MONEY! (I'd say no!) WHY!?", repeated like 50 times.
The kids and I went to a shelter and that was it. I was done.
1) At amusement park when he had his first seizure.
2) Four days later while he's sedated (still kicking, screaming, swearing all in his sleep) when a Dr. came in and said this isn't enough to make him quit.
3) Our anniversary when he called me at 10:07p.m. driving and not knowing where he was. (then a friend took him to detox)
4) Broke his neck 4 days later, in a halo all summer
5) When all of the above didn't work, and he still demanded money from me to buy beer. I mean like "GIVE ME MONEY! (I'd say no!) WHY!?", repeated like 50 times.
The kids and I went to a shelter and that was it. I was done.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
the moment for me was when i went to the store one day and wound up 60 miles away and had no idea where i was or how i got there. the console of my car looked foreign to me. i didn't know where the lights were. didn't know where the wipers were. it was like i had never been in that car before.
i was so emotionally lost, beaten, scared, and totally broken spiritually. i knew then, that i had to get help for myself.
i sought help purely out of fear of losing my self. all i could think of were my children and grandchildren....how i wanted so badly to be totally there for them.
my moments of clarity came only after beginning recovery for myself.
been a hard, hard, tough road. but a blessed journey filled with wonder.
i was so emotionally lost, beaten, scared, and totally broken spiritually. i knew then, that i had to get help for myself.
i sought help purely out of fear of losing my self. all i could think of were my children and grandchildren....how i wanted so badly to be totally there for them.
my moments of clarity came only after beginning recovery for myself.
been a hard, hard, tough road. but a blessed journey filled with wonder.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: phoenix arizona
Posts: 741
I finally felt physically threatened. He kept asking me a question that I didn't have an answer for, I kept saying I don't know...can't even remember the question now, doesn't matter, anyway, he stood right in front of me and tried to block my path as I kept trying to get around him. I made it around him and tried to use the phone, he ripped it out of the wall, so I left and went to his mom's 2 houses down. I told her I had had enough and needed to leave.
She understood. She had divorced my ex's alc. father when he was little and lost her second husband to cancer from drugs and alcohol. It was a family pattern. She's pretty much an enabler and let herself be a victim.
I saw the end while living with my ex and his mom and stepfather before we got our own house. His mom is now enabling my ex while he's living there. Why should he stop drinking or do anything differently? It's how it used to be, except I'm not there. I thought I could help my ex. I thought I could prevent the ending I witnessed. I didn't want that lifestyle with my ex. Instead, I decided I had to save my own life.
She understood. She had divorced my ex's alc. father when he was little and lost her second husband to cancer from drugs and alcohol. It was a family pattern. She's pretty much an enabler and let herself be a victim.
I saw the end while living with my ex and his mom and stepfather before we got our own house. His mom is now enabling my ex while he's living there. Why should he stop drinking or do anything differently? It's how it used to be, except I'm not there. I thought I could help my ex. I thought I could prevent the ending I witnessed. I didn't want that lifestyle with my ex. Instead, I decided I had to save my own life.
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Hanging In There
Posts: 87
Things started going down hill fast about a year ago, many bad experiences just like everyone else has had
And then the straw that broke the camels back…… that would be after enduring nearly a month of him drinking very heavy, I had had enough. He was with at his mother’s drinking and I told him not to come home until he was sober. He came home anyway, and I insisted he leave.
He left, went to his brothers and almost an hour later called the police falsely claiming he was assaulted by me. The police asked about weapons and he told them there was a was a loaded weapon in the house (his weapon not mine, I didn’t know where it was and I don’t even know how to use one)
In my city police and courts take DV very seriously, he did not have a mark on him, even the police admitted he and his brother were highly intoxicated, but he claimed he was hit. Police made me come outside, hands in the air, lay flat on the ground (you have all seen this on the Cops show) I was handcuffed, arrested and spent 24 hours in jail. Immediately told I could not return to my home and a no contact order placed against me. Even though the police believed me, the policy is that when a complaint is made, someone has to go to jail. He made the complaint – so I went to jail.
He admitted later he was so drunk he couldn’t remember exactly what happened. He remembered calling police but thought they would just make me go somewhere else for the night to cool off and he could come home, like it used to be in the old days.
He drove to the police station the next day to get a copy of the report so he could find out what he had said to them.
Being extremely ashamed and unable to talk to me, he drank even more heavily for the next month, along with taking RX meds. Finally after 2 ER visits with in one week for overdose of meds & .30 BAL he admitted he had a problem and voluntarily went to detox and treatment.
My family refers to me as miss goody-two-shoes, so 24 hours in jail for me was an eternity. During that time I sat straight up on a bench, I didn’t sleep or eat, I did a lot of thinking and a lot of praying. Without a doubt, I just couldn’t do this anymore, no more excuses, no more lying, no more hiding, the next day I found alanon.
And then the straw that broke the camels back…… that would be after enduring nearly a month of him drinking very heavy, I had had enough. He was with at his mother’s drinking and I told him not to come home until he was sober. He came home anyway, and I insisted he leave.
He left, went to his brothers and almost an hour later called the police falsely claiming he was assaulted by me. The police asked about weapons and he told them there was a was a loaded weapon in the house (his weapon not mine, I didn’t know where it was and I don’t even know how to use one)
In my city police and courts take DV very seriously, he did not have a mark on him, even the police admitted he and his brother were highly intoxicated, but he claimed he was hit. Police made me come outside, hands in the air, lay flat on the ground (you have all seen this on the Cops show) I was handcuffed, arrested and spent 24 hours in jail. Immediately told I could not return to my home and a no contact order placed against me. Even though the police believed me, the policy is that when a complaint is made, someone has to go to jail. He made the complaint – so I went to jail.
He admitted later he was so drunk he couldn’t remember exactly what happened. He remembered calling police but thought they would just make me go somewhere else for the night to cool off and he could come home, like it used to be in the old days.
He drove to the police station the next day to get a copy of the report so he could find out what he had said to them.
Being extremely ashamed and unable to talk to me, he drank even more heavily for the next month, along with taking RX meds. Finally after 2 ER visits with in one week for overdose of meds & .30 BAL he admitted he had a problem and voluntarily went to detox and treatment.
My family refers to me as miss goody-two-shoes, so 24 hours in jail for me was an eternity. During that time I sat straight up on a bench, I didn’t sleep or eat, I did a lot of thinking and a lot of praying. Without a doubt, I just couldn’t do this anymore, no more excuses, no more lying, no more hiding, the next day I found alanon.
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Hanging In There
Posts: 87
So many things happened before this huge incident that should have given me a moment of clarity when I “knew” I couldn’t do this alone. I did not understand the power of alcohol and his inability to just stop. I was able to do it so why couldn’t he?
I really thought that if I could just get him to see how bad it was getting I could be the one to help him and then nobody would have to know the things that he was doing. I was convinced I could save him the shame and embarrassment.
This was absolutely the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my life. But if it hadn’t have happened, I honestly don’t know how much more I would have endured before I would have said enough is enough.
I really thought that if I could just get him to see how bad it was getting I could be the one to help him and then nobody would have to know the things that he was doing. I was convinced I could save him the shame and embarrassment.
This was absolutely the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my life. But if it hadn’t have happened, I honestly don’t know how much more I would have endured before I would have said enough is enough.
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
I've had a few of these too....
First one was when him being drunk wasn't fun anymore..
Ours was a whirlwind of a relationship at first....I knew he drank alot...didn't have a real concept of what that meant. We moved in together pretty quickly and the first few months where alot of fun...drinking, talking, touching...getting to know each other...It was fun, I was happy.
Once day I woke up and it hit me...It wasn't fun anymore...infact it was pretty crap...He was drunk ALL the time...I didn't really know him at all...not the real, sober him...
I realised that my emotions and moods where totally focused on him and his mood...I didn't like it...
And then of course, the sex life disappeared...that was a really hard "moment".
Then the arguements...trying to justify my actions or words to an irrational man...
Then I had another when I saw him drinking early one morning...
I had another when I found chat logs on the pc of him chatting up another woman...
I had my latest when he didn't go to rehab.
The best thing I've done in the last few years is find this place...I thought I was going crazy..now I know it's not just me and it's not my fault....and detachment is such a wonderful concept...I didn't even have this thought process at all until I found this place and others going through the same thing.
First one was when him being drunk wasn't fun anymore..
Ours was a whirlwind of a relationship at first....I knew he drank alot...didn't have a real concept of what that meant. We moved in together pretty quickly and the first few months where alot of fun...drinking, talking, touching...getting to know each other...It was fun, I was happy.
Once day I woke up and it hit me...It wasn't fun anymore...infact it was pretty crap...He was drunk ALL the time...I didn't really know him at all...not the real, sober him...
I realised that my emotions and moods where totally focused on him and his mood...I didn't like it...
And then of course, the sex life disappeared...that was a really hard "moment".
Then the arguements...trying to justify my actions or words to an irrational man...
Then I had another when I saw him drinking early one morning...
I had another when I found chat logs on the pc of him chatting up another woman...
I had my latest when he didn't go to rehab.
The best thing I've done in the last few years is find this place...I thought I was going crazy..now I know it's not just me and it's not my fault....and detachment is such a wonderful concept...I didn't even have this thought process at all until I found this place and others going through the same thing.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: The South
Posts: 75
My first 'A-ha' moment didn't pertain to Christopher's (at the time he was my husband-to-be) alcoholism directly. What I did realize was that Christopher had a raging alcoholic for a father. It happened on my first visit to his house. At the time I lived in one state and he lived in another. He had just gotten out of the military and was living with his parents. I saw first-hand that his father was out of control. The man was bombed immediately after getting home from work, I think he was well on his way to being trashed before he even arrived home. The one instance I remember vividly was when he was literally pounding on the bathroom door screaming at his daughter, Christopher's sister, to get out of the shower because she was using up all the hot water. It was late at night, she had just gotten home from work and was taking a shower. Everyone else was asleep. He was out of control. She was scared to death, wouldn't come out of the bathroom. Christopher had to go and calm his father down and take him to bed. Then he had to convince his sister she could come out of the bathroom without getting a beatiing. So there was my first 'A-ha', Christopher's dad is an abusive, out of control drunk.
At the time Christopher drank, but not heavily. It wasn't what anyone would have considered a problem. He knew what his father was and despised him for it. So, what was there for me to be worried about, right? Of course, he would never let that happen to him. And to an extent he hasn't. He's not violent, abusive, raging, etc. Though I know he is an alcoholic. There was never that 'A-ha' moment with realizing Christopher had a problem too. It was much more gradual. There were instances of course, that showed me there was a problem. Like when he decided it was okay to wake up in the morning and start drinking beer immediately. Or when he decided it was okay to just not go to work and stay home and drink instead. Or all the times he said 'I can quit whenever I want to' and then would quit for a day, or three days, or a week and then start up again. It was definitely a gradual thing. Thank God, he now realizes he has a problem and has started on his road to recovery.
At the time Christopher drank, but not heavily. It wasn't what anyone would have considered a problem. He knew what his father was and despised him for it. So, what was there for me to be worried about, right? Of course, he would never let that happen to him. And to an extent he hasn't. He's not violent, abusive, raging, etc. Though I know he is an alcoholic. There was never that 'A-ha' moment with realizing Christopher had a problem too. It was much more gradual. There were instances of course, that showed me there was a problem. Like when he decided it was okay to wake up in the morning and start drinking beer immediately. Or when he decided it was okay to just not go to work and stay home and drink instead. Or all the times he said 'I can quit whenever I want to' and then would quit for a day, or three days, or a week and then start up again. It was definitely a gradual thing. Thank God, he now realizes he has a problem and has started on his road to recovery.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
At first, mine drank when he was trying to not use coke, then, he was drinking and using coke...he would disappear for days. Then he was missing work, then he was stealing from me. The longer it went, the more verbally abusive he was, the more he drank and used.
I was miserable, to the core.
So, his last weekend binge put me over the top. He called and said he would be home at 6pm, he neglected to say what day. He was gone for 3 days, I wouldn't let him in, he called the sheriff, they came, said I had to let him in, as he had lived with me for than 6 months. I refused.
I told the sheriff that they would have to arrest me, I put my hands out and said Cuff Me, I'll go to jail before I'll let him in. After about an hour,of mickey mousing around I said:
"You need to search him, I know he has drugs on him"
Sure enough, pot. Then and only then did they run a check on him, loh and behold, he had warrents out in another county. I didn't know about them, although I had run a background check on him, they did not show up..why? Because this particular county didn't post warrents on the net..Great!
The sheriff was dumbfounded with me, said he never had anyone ask him to be arrested.
I told him this was my house, and not he or anyone was going to tell me who I had to let in. Who ever writes these laws must not have ever lived with a person who is addicted, or, they are just plain dumb. The sheriff kept repeating, "It's Florida Law", stuff it buddy, he is NOT stepping foot into my house again.
So, in essance, my ex, had himself arrested, he called the sheriff..he is now in prison.
That was my light bulb moment, took 1 1/2 years of abuse to finally say,
Enough!
Dolly
I was miserable, to the core.
So, his last weekend binge put me over the top. He called and said he would be home at 6pm, he neglected to say what day. He was gone for 3 days, I wouldn't let him in, he called the sheriff, they came, said I had to let him in, as he had lived with me for than 6 months. I refused.
I told the sheriff that they would have to arrest me, I put my hands out and said Cuff Me, I'll go to jail before I'll let him in. After about an hour,of mickey mousing around I said:
"You need to search him, I know he has drugs on him"
Sure enough, pot. Then and only then did they run a check on him, loh and behold, he had warrents out in another county. I didn't know about them, although I had run a background check on him, they did not show up..why? Because this particular county didn't post warrents on the net..Great!
The sheriff was dumbfounded with me, said he never had anyone ask him to be arrested.
I told him this was my house, and not he or anyone was going to tell me who I had to let in. Who ever writes these laws must not have ever lived with a person who is addicted, or, they are just plain dumb. The sheriff kept repeating, "It's Florida Law", stuff it buddy, he is NOT stepping foot into my house again.
So, in essance, my ex, had himself arrested, he called the sheriff..he is now in prison.
That was my light bulb moment, took 1 1/2 years of abuse to finally say,
Enough!
Dolly
been searching for the dream
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Inhaling the mountain air through my mind's eye.
Posts: 240
Many many times. Many times have led to let go and let god. Knowing it won't change knowing that when he has 'that look' upon his face when he is refraining from drinking or it was too cold outside to go get. And he says" I wish I had a blah blah now" Yeah. I get it. When he is too loud. When he get too emotional. When you know now is not the time to reason. When he is hinting and hinting for a couple of weeks about who is in town and I want to see them and bam he goes on a binge. Got it. I actually look away. I detach. I know that it is him or me. I choose me. I need to take care of me. I am getting older by the day. I feel life a passin me by. I have regrets. I get it.
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