Telling them the truth
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: By the sea
Posts: 415
Telling them the truth
Greetings all.
I have two things I think I need to tell my AH.
He is in a detox facility at the present moment, but can be contacted by phone.
1) My family knows about what is going on.
2) I think I want a divorce.
I am petrified to tell him both things. My therapist suggested that if I was sure about the divorce that I tell him while he's in detox so that if he "falls apart" that there will be support for him.
I'm not sure what is best for ME.
As a friend, do I keep it a secret and be there to support him? or do I run now? very confused.
I have two things I think I need to tell my AH.
He is in a detox facility at the present moment, but can be contacted by phone.
1) My family knows about what is going on.
2) I think I want a divorce.
I am petrified to tell him both things. My therapist suggested that if I was sure about the divorce that I tell him while he's in detox so that if he "falls apart" that there will be support for him.
I'm not sure what is best for ME.
As a friend, do I keep it a secret and be there to support him? or do I run now? very confused.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
That's a difficult one.
For my part, I agree with the therapist. And, I say, as far as the divorce, don't issue ultimatums you do not intend to keep. If you are sure you want the divorce, then follow through.
Just my thoughts,
Dolly
For my part, I agree with the therapist. And, I say, as far as the divorce, don't issue ultimatums you do not intend to keep. If you are sure you want the divorce, then follow through.
Just my thoughts,
Dolly
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: By the sea
Posts: 415
I feel like a split personality sometimes!
I am afraid...I'm afraid that my heart will win the argument. My head knows that a lot more heartache is in store in the future if my heart wins.
I am afraid...I'm afraid that my heart will win the argument. My head knows that a lot more heartache is in store in the future if my heart wins.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: brownsville, pa
Posts: 16
it is such a struggle between head and heart I know. When I find myself getting too emotional I try to look at it as sensibly and matter of fact as possible. The facts were that I couldn't live that way anymore and have any quality of life. I just wanted some peace. It took a lot of courage for me to finally say the words in a calm way that I wanted a divorce. I had thrown it out to him over hte years in heated moments. But this time, I meant it and it hurt to say it. Obviously we don't want to hurt them, we have tried for so long to help them. I would really know that it's what I want before saying it and then follow through. I feel for you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
girl....i've been there, too. when my xh was in treatment, with the therapist help, i told him i wanted a divorce. but, of course, because i was just as sick as he was, i caved. this went on for another 3 years, in and out of centers. i was as crazy as he was. it was good to have him all tucked away in a facility somewhere, cause i knew he was safe. i slept well, felt good, felt my life coming back to me
but there was the heartache of losing him. i wanted him, but i wanted him like a little robot that i could put up on a shelf when i was done with him, and take him back down to play with when he was a good boy. it just don't work that way, tho.
his issues were huge, deep, and all powerful. so were mine. too big for the both of us.
in al-anon, they suggest not making major changes in the relationship for a year...and this includes divorce. is there some way, you could live seperately, giving him the opportunity of putting his life back together, and giving you the opportunity to work on yourself?
when my xh and i tried this, he would put the pressure on....say things like...we got married to be together, not to be apart. so he wasn't really ready to get it all together.
good luck
love to you
but there was the heartache of losing him. i wanted him, but i wanted him like a little robot that i could put up on a shelf when i was done with him, and take him back down to play with when he was a good boy. it just don't work that way, tho.
his issues were huge, deep, and all powerful. so were mine. too big for the both of us.
in al-anon, they suggest not making major changes in the relationship for a year...and this includes divorce. is there some way, you could live seperately, giving him the opportunity of putting his life back together, and giving you the opportunity to work on yourself?
when my xh and i tried this, he would put the pressure on....say things like...we got married to be together, not to be apart. so he wasn't really ready to get it all together.
good luck
love to you
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: By the sea
Posts: 415
Your advice echoes things my therapist also said: you don't have to rush, you can be separate for a while. I am thinking I feel most comfortable with this right now. Telling him straight out right now that it is over is overwelmingly terrifying for me right now. But telling him that I need time apart is doable and I feel comfortable saying it. I have a place away from him to live, so that won't be a problem. I am also thinking that when he knows that my family knows that the possibility of us staying together will seem improbably to him...he is incredibly influenced by what my family thinks...I know it will be crushing for him to know that they know. He will think "I will never be able to live this down" and he will be right.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: iowa
Posts: 93
I had talked about divorce with my AH and even told him I 'wanted out - I didn't like being here'. He didn't believe it.
Then one day my daughter was home sick and instead of him being a parent when he was home with her - he chose to drink.
I left work quickly - took her to a babysitter that would take her and went down to talk to a lawyer. Lawyer wasn't in - but would be back at 4p.m.
I went back to work and returned to talk with the lawyer at 4p.m.
The lawyer was a neighbor so knew everything already. I started by saying my husband was an alcoholic and he just answered I know. (wow!-others really do see what I see)
Anyway, he explained what all happens in divorce - the steps you take what it costs etc.
But he also talked about setting boundaries, rules - this is the way it's going to be or - else. If I find beer in the house I dump it, if he comes home drunk he'll be asked to leave. The lawyer suggested him living away from us for awhile and having him come over like at mealtimes with the family (like a home date night) while we tried to work things out.
About the only thing that I could control was dumping the beer. I couldn't make him leave if he came home drunk he just wouldn't do it. I was good at finding beer too - he'd hide it in drawers, his washing machine in the basement, under the kids' old toy little tykes slide, etc. And I'd dump every one - what a waste of my money!!
But when none of that worked (I gave him 4 months) and he'd harrassed me enough for more money - I finally found another lawyer (actually conflict of interest with the first one i talked to) and we are in the process. My AH was saying for the longest time how this was just thrown on him- he didn't know it (divorce) was coming - he had heard me say it before but never thought I'd go thru with it. Now he says, he'll never sign anything, he thinks if he doesn't sign for a divorce I'll never get one. He thinks someone put me up to this, he talks about my lawyer being a (w)itch and her husband a child molestor- he's a pastor [this one made me laugh though it was so insane]. He has accused my parents of telling me to leave since we got married in '94 (they've never said a word). Oh well let AH think what he wants.
My point being though - set those boundaries - and start making a plan (if you haven't already) get your ducks in a row - and it wouldn't hurt to write a diary.
Then one day my daughter was home sick and instead of him being a parent when he was home with her - he chose to drink.
I left work quickly - took her to a babysitter that would take her and went down to talk to a lawyer. Lawyer wasn't in - but would be back at 4p.m.
I went back to work and returned to talk with the lawyer at 4p.m.
The lawyer was a neighbor so knew everything already. I started by saying my husband was an alcoholic and he just answered I know. (wow!-others really do see what I see)
Anyway, he explained what all happens in divorce - the steps you take what it costs etc.
But he also talked about setting boundaries, rules - this is the way it's going to be or - else. If I find beer in the house I dump it, if he comes home drunk he'll be asked to leave. The lawyer suggested him living away from us for awhile and having him come over like at mealtimes with the family (like a home date night) while we tried to work things out.
About the only thing that I could control was dumping the beer. I couldn't make him leave if he came home drunk he just wouldn't do it. I was good at finding beer too - he'd hide it in drawers, his washing machine in the basement, under the kids' old toy little tykes slide, etc. And I'd dump every one - what a waste of my money!!
But when none of that worked (I gave him 4 months) and he'd harrassed me enough for more money - I finally found another lawyer (actually conflict of interest with the first one i talked to) and we are in the process. My AH was saying for the longest time how this was just thrown on him- he didn't know it (divorce) was coming - he had heard me say it before but never thought I'd go thru with it. Now he says, he'll never sign anything, he thinks if he doesn't sign for a divorce I'll never get one. He thinks someone put me up to this, he talks about my lawyer being a (w)itch and her husband a child molestor- he's a pastor [this one made me laugh though it was so insane]. He has accused my parents of telling me to leave since we got married in '94 (they've never said a word). Oh well let AH think what he wants.
My point being though - set those boundaries - and start making a plan (if you haven't already) get your ducks in a row - and it wouldn't hurt to write a diary.
Becoming a Butterfly
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
I was enraged when I told mine. I had been seething for days, so freakin sick of LOOKING at him lol He was in the livingroom, drinking at midday. I stalked in and glared at him. For the first time he didn't look guilty that I was giving him crap - he gave me a look of contempt and basicly dismissed me. I stormed out of the house and into the yard.
Outside I stumbled onwhat I call a "beer can graveyard" out behind the pool where one can't be seen from the house.
I came in, screamed something like, "I'm so goddam sick of you and YOUR GODDAM BEER! I WANT A DIVORCE!"
He was stunned. I never backed down after that day. Within two months I got him out of here. It's nine months later now and he still drinks and still promises to quit.
Outside I stumbled onwhat I call a "beer can graveyard" out behind the pool where one can't be seen from the house.
I came in, screamed something like, "I'm so goddam sick of you and YOUR GODDAM BEER! I WANT A DIVORCE!"
He was stunned. I never backed down after that day. Within two months I got him out of here. It's nine months later now and he still drinks and still promises to quit.
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