KatyKate

Hello everyone, I've posted here a couple times. All of your posts always make me feel better . . . my ah, who is struggling with sobriety, has left today. Not sure if/when he will return. He left when I wasn't home, but our 3 kids were (home from school due to bad weather). He called me while I was out, accused me of "poisoning them against him", yelled at them, slammed doors, and told our 7 year old daughter he didn't know when or if he'd be home. When I rushed home, he was gone and the kids were in shambles.

What I've come to realize lately, largely due to what I've read here, is that recovery is such a process - it doesn't happen overnight. There are no guarantees. When I thought he had hit his "bottom" several months ago and entered an intensive outpatient treatment program, I was the happiest person in the world for 2 weeks. I thought all in the world was right again, and I was headed for total bliss. My husband was "back" and ready to once again participate in the life we started 18 years ago. How could I have been so naive? I listened to other couple's stories in our family therapy sessions, and thought, wow, we got off pretty easy, at least our situation never got that bad. Looking back now, I'm right in there with them.

The first relapse happened while still in treatment - not too bad of one. It was fairly easy for him to get back on track since he was still in the program.

Two weeks later - another relapse. This one worse. And so the story goes. Relapse after relapse. It seems the deeper he gets into recovery, the worse everything has gotten.

I'm trying to detach. I'm trying to put the needs of myself and my children first, but he keeps dangling this false hope in front of us. One day, things are fine, the next, we're in a downward spiral.

I know lots of you have been where I am. Do I continue to try to live through these tumultuous days with the promise of an ok one tomorrow? Do I take the kids and leave until he gets himself together (if that's possible?) I know he's working really hard at sobriety, it's the non-sober days that are killing us. Does he truly need to hit bottom on his own terms in order to commit to sobriety? As detached and neutral as I try to be, it's hard to put up with the blame. The anger and tension are eating me up, I can't bear to see my children hurting.

I've been to a few al-anon meetings, it has been hard to get to them while trying to keep up with my 3 kids schedules. I know that may be my only salvation.

Thanks to you all.

LaTeeDa

It doesn't really sound like he is committed to sobriety. That is just my opinion based on what you wrote. But, the point is, your life is still out of control, drinking or not.

I had learn to make decisions based on MY life, not his. If my children and me are not living a healthy, happy life, what can I do to change that? I cannot pin my future on someone else. It's good to have hope, but I cannot wait around for someone to fulfill their potential. What if they never do? How many years am I willing to wait. How much of my life am I willing to give up?

My husband has been sober for over a year and we are still not living together. Stopping drinking does not make everything okay. It simply gets one problem out of the way and lets all the others come to the surface.

Al-anon might be a good place to find some clarity. I have been in counseling for almost a year now, and so have my children. Our lives are much better than they were last year at this time. I wish I could tell you there was an easy way.

Best wishes to you,

L

mallowcup

I'm glad you were able to get home to the kids. Hurting their feelings and scaring them is one thing. Leaving them alone is another. Walking out after upsetting them is big trouble. No way does his sobriety have to come on his terms. I don't think you should leave, I think you should change the locks. If you have trouble getting to alanon, can you get your hands on some good reading material? Here in NY it is bitter biting cold. There are some things you can't do anyting about. You can take steps to stablize your home. The kids deserve that. I don't think you 'd have any trouble getting an order of protection.

dollydo

Life with a person who is in the throws of addiction, hold no promise of a future.

Relapses are common, and, their words of wanting to quit, are not valid until they put the words into action. It is their choice, not yours.

You can only make choices that improve your life and those of your children. That's it.

Your recovery from codependency depends on you, not him.

As a child I lived in the home of an alcoholic(s) believe me, I heard and saw everything and it has haunted me my entire adult life.

My Best,

Dolly

an'ka

What your husband is doing is not recovery, it is still active addiction. Just because a person goes through treatment does not mean they are committed to sobriety and a complete change of lifestyle. Personally, I would be furious if my AH treated our daughter that way, because children take everything personally, they think that they did something wrong to cause this kind of outburst. Not only that, but he endangered their safety by leaving. I don't know how old your babies are, but what if there is an earthquake, what if ther is stranger at the door...Completely, completely unacceptable behavior from a grown male and a father. If I were you, I would really start evaluating my priorities...I am sorry if I sound harsh, it's just so upsetting when things like that happen to little ones.

WantsOut

IMO children change the whole equation and there's no room for emotional B.S. He's not treating them right and I think that you need to keep him away from them unless and until he can behave himself. Kids don't need that kind of terrible example from an adult.

You're the only stable parent those kids have got - you have a sacred obligation to them that is far stronger than your obligation to your husband. Their dad is (supposed to be) an adult who is responsbile for himself. The kids are not self-actualized yet. They require an adult to create the circumstances of their lives for them. That job, fair or not, has fallen to you. It's time to step up and do right by them.

I know that sounds harsh, please don't take offense, but I take these situations with young people very seriously. From what you've written, you owe it to them to insist on a peaceful, stable home.

Good luck hon! Keep hugging those kiddos tight! You're their world ...