I took 10 steps back, saw AH
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 70
I took 10 steps back, saw AH
Thursday J (AH) called and left a message on my voice mail saying he realized he had problems and that he had started back to AA. He wanted to talk and discuss where we stand with our marriage (I moved out on Dec 2nd and have filed for divorce).
Friday J called back. I answered and talked with him. I felt for me it would be good to communicate clearly with him, let him know where I am at with things, but that I had to have a third party present for us to meet and talk.
He was at church on Sunday. Strangely, I was okay with that. I hadn't seen him in several weeks. And I was emotionally detached and okay.
What a slippery road I've gone down. J and I met with the pastor yesterday. I feel so confused now, and I'm being really hard on myself. I feel so stupid for so easily getting sucked back in to his garbage. I heard the sucking noise while sitting there in that office. I have to remind myself to think with my head and not my heart right now. What is best for me, what do I need to do to take care of myself? What do I need to do to protect myself and my interests?
At least I was able to be clear on communicating a few things. I love J, but I cannot live with him. The pastor asked me if things were over for me in my mind, I was able to say yes. That today, I have no desire to try and fix this marriage. Plus, if J is serious about getting sober, he'll have enough to worry about with trying to focus on himself, without trying to also work on a relationship with me.
I felt so wobbly on the divorce question. Do I want a divorce? No, I don't want a divorce, but I feel this is the choice I have to make in order to take care of and protect myself. I feel I provided a crack in the door for J to stick his foot in and hold open, with the hopes of getting back into my life. I hope to God I was clear that there is not a hope of us getting back together. I feel my agreeing to get together with the pastor gave him those same old mixed messages. I'm willing to talk, but I'm not willing to get back together?
J did say it made sense for him to move out of the house, and for me to move back in. But without the divorce in place, legally he would be able to move back in at any time. I'd have no recourse or foot to stand on if I don't go through with the divorce. I know how I allow myself to be manipulated and I move those boundaries that I set. I feel for me I need the legal document to say, these are my boundaries. I have this document as a reminder that you (J) cannot live here.
J tried to negotiate with me in the meeting, about what he would take, how often he could come to the house, could he call me. At least I was able to tell him anything like that and he'd have to call my attorney to discuss.
He brought up the sanctity of marriage.....ya, ya, ya. I am not the one keeping the sanctity of marriage because I'm the one that filed for the divorce. I'm the one not taking my marriage vows seriously - I hear this from him, from my mom, from my sister.
I want to please everyone but myself. I want to please God, my parents, my pastor, J.....everyone but me. I have to ask myself, what is best for me?
He asked me for money after meeting with the pastor. At least I was able to repeat what I had said before. "I can't give you anything, you'll have to find another way."
He said his bank account is empty, he has no money for food for the dogs. I checked the bank account. He still has about $220 left. I see where he's still buying his cigs and that he had made a trip to the liquor store on 1/2.
And then I start thinking, God. I should be thanking him for setting up the meeting with the pastor, telling him I'm glad he's going back to AA, thank him that he is willing to move out of the house, and for me to move back in.
God, I'm confused and hurt and feel really f*****d up in the head. So, so, so stupid for going there with J. God, restore my mind to sanity and serinity.
Friday J called back. I answered and talked with him. I felt for me it would be good to communicate clearly with him, let him know where I am at with things, but that I had to have a third party present for us to meet and talk.
He was at church on Sunday. Strangely, I was okay with that. I hadn't seen him in several weeks. And I was emotionally detached and okay.
What a slippery road I've gone down. J and I met with the pastor yesterday. I feel so confused now, and I'm being really hard on myself. I feel so stupid for so easily getting sucked back in to his garbage. I heard the sucking noise while sitting there in that office. I have to remind myself to think with my head and not my heart right now. What is best for me, what do I need to do to take care of myself? What do I need to do to protect myself and my interests?
At least I was able to be clear on communicating a few things. I love J, but I cannot live with him. The pastor asked me if things were over for me in my mind, I was able to say yes. That today, I have no desire to try and fix this marriage. Plus, if J is serious about getting sober, he'll have enough to worry about with trying to focus on himself, without trying to also work on a relationship with me.
I felt so wobbly on the divorce question. Do I want a divorce? No, I don't want a divorce, but I feel this is the choice I have to make in order to take care of and protect myself. I feel I provided a crack in the door for J to stick his foot in and hold open, with the hopes of getting back into my life. I hope to God I was clear that there is not a hope of us getting back together. I feel my agreeing to get together with the pastor gave him those same old mixed messages. I'm willing to talk, but I'm not willing to get back together?
J did say it made sense for him to move out of the house, and for me to move back in. But without the divorce in place, legally he would be able to move back in at any time. I'd have no recourse or foot to stand on if I don't go through with the divorce. I know how I allow myself to be manipulated and I move those boundaries that I set. I feel for me I need the legal document to say, these are my boundaries. I have this document as a reminder that you (J) cannot live here.
J tried to negotiate with me in the meeting, about what he would take, how often he could come to the house, could he call me. At least I was able to tell him anything like that and he'd have to call my attorney to discuss.
He brought up the sanctity of marriage.....ya, ya, ya. I am not the one keeping the sanctity of marriage because I'm the one that filed for the divorce. I'm the one not taking my marriage vows seriously - I hear this from him, from my mom, from my sister.
I want to please everyone but myself. I want to please God, my parents, my pastor, J.....everyone but me. I have to ask myself, what is best for me?
He asked me for money after meeting with the pastor. At least I was able to repeat what I had said before. "I can't give you anything, you'll have to find another way."
He said his bank account is empty, he has no money for food for the dogs. I checked the bank account. He still has about $220 left. I see where he's still buying his cigs and that he had made a trip to the liquor store on 1/2.
And then I start thinking, God. I should be thanking him for setting up the meeting with the pastor, telling him I'm glad he's going back to AA, thank him that he is willing to move out of the house, and for me to move back in.
God, I'm confused and hurt and feel really f*****d up in the head. So, so, so stupid for going there with J. God, restore my mind to sanity and serinity.
Always hopeful...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Illinois
Posts: 429
Lizzy, you're just fine. You do have a plan, stay focused. It seems you have "sorted" it out. Feelings do sometimes have a way of clouding our vision, but stay on target. Just move the fog out of the way, it too will pass.
I got a grin out of you saying 'should' be thanking him.....it is how we think, and how our tender hearts have been sucked in for being thankful for a lil' bit that "should" have happened anyway. Take care....stay focused! Linda
I got a grin out of you saying 'should' be thanking him.....it is how we think, and how our tender hearts have been sucked in for being thankful for a lil' bit that "should" have happened anyway. Take care....stay focused! Linda
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: rochester, pa
Posts: 2
i know that feeling, "i have no money" and liquor store trips behind my back, or even better $100 used to go cop for heroin in the ghetto.
i hope things go better for you, i have no advice because i'm basically in the same situation.
i hope things go better for you, i have no advice because i'm basically in the same situation.
Becoming a Butterfly
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
Aw hon, how you handle things are totally up to you. It's not like I never see my ex ah. We email each other sometimes and talk once in a while. Don't feel like you "messed up". Just make sure you look out for you. It's not a sin or a crime to live the way you want to, and to not live the way you don't want to.
Hugs!
Hugs!
up and out
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 185
In another forum i've seen this referenced to as "hoovering" .....like the Hoover vacuum. Clever ay? Went through that for a year after breaking up with my A exbf. I have a feeling he hasn't tried to hoover for the last time but that's okay. I'm in a much better place now.
Over the holidays I dealt a lot with feelings of guilt for abandoning him. Because he's got the horrid alcoholic behaviour he can't keep friends so sometimes I feel like by dissolving the relationship with him, he will have no one. That's just my sick thinking again......i'm no good for him. I will not allow him to hit his bottom. That always grounds me.....knowing i'm doing it for his well being completely takes the sting out of it. Guess that's just the codependency but in this one case it actually serves me well.
Lots of love and good energy to you Lizzy. You are doing sooooo well!
Over the holidays I dealt a lot with feelings of guilt for abandoning him. Because he's got the horrid alcoholic behaviour he can't keep friends so sometimes I feel like by dissolving the relationship with him, he will have no one. That's just my sick thinking again......i'm no good for him. I will not allow him to hit his bottom. That always grounds me.....knowing i'm doing it for his well being completely takes the sting out of it. Guess that's just the codependency but in this one case it actually serves me well.
Lots of love and good energy to you Lizzy. You are doing sooooo well!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Happy with me !
Posts: 680
Hugs to one person with muddled thoughts from another one with muddled thoughts. It is soooo hard, I know that. Just take a deep breath and take it one day at a time.......I still talk to my AH and I moved out in Oct.2006.
Some days I could just kick myself, others don't want to end our marriage, you know what I am talking about.
It will all work out. (((Hugs)))
Some days I could just kick myself, others don't want to end our marriage, you know what I am talking about.
It will all work out. (((Hugs)))
Royalty
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 366
Is a pastor really qualified to deal with a relationship when one is an alcoholic? I wonder if someone, counselor, psychiatrist, someone more qualified about alcoholism would be more appropriate to see? Maybe that would help you set your boundaries a little better.
I understand your thinking, about letting the lawyer handle stuff, because you know the lawyer won't back down from your position.....but in all honesty, more things get worked out when you go over their heads and talk directly to AH. The lawyers tend to jumble alot of info around, and have things so messed up, that sometimes it's easier to just talk directly to the horse's mouth......not sure if that's the end of the horse that I meant :P
Maybe after some time, when you are stronger and know exactly what you want, and how to stand strong for what you want, then it will become easier for you......until then, give it time.
I understand your thinking, about letting the lawyer handle stuff, because you know the lawyer won't back down from your position.....but in all honesty, more things get worked out when you go over their heads and talk directly to AH. The lawyers tend to jumble alot of info around, and have things so messed up, that sometimes it's easier to just talk directly to the horse's mouth......not sure if that's the end of the horse that I meant :P
Maybe after some time, when you are stronger and know exactly what you want, and how to stand strong for what you want, then it will become easier for you......until then, give it time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 70
I really appreciate each of yours words and encouragement.
I saw my counselor earlier today. I was able to get the clarity back again as to the course of action I need to take in order to take care of myself and protect myself.
Wow, talk about up and down yo-yoing, huh?
Just spoke with my M-I-L. She said J told her I was going to be paying him spousal support. I did not agree to anything like that. For me, this is why I need the attorney. I can clearly tell the attorney what I want and need, and know what I want and need, but when it comes to talking directly with the AH, I still crumble emotionally and get terrified to be direct with him, and end up giving in to him and his needs (still)...if that makes sense?
I saw my counselor earlier today. I was able to get the clarity back again as to the course of action I need to take in order to take care of myself and protect myself.
Wow, talk about up and down yo-yoing, huh?
Just spoke with my M-I-L. She said J told her I was going to be paying him spousal support. I did not agree to anything like that. For me, this is why I need the attorney. I can clearly tell the attorney what I want and need, and know what I want and need, but when it comes to talking directly with the AH, I still crumble emotionally and get terrified to be direct with him, and end up giving in to him and his needs (still)...if that makes sense?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 70
PS. Again, I so appreciate your posts. It really helped me get through my emotional caos from this morning, knowing all of us have gone through or are going through similiar stuff, we can relate to each other, and we can get through this.
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