newenglandgirl

This is a big issue for me at this moment. My AH is at a crossroads in that he has admitted (while sober and drunk) that his problem is going to ruin his life unless he gets help. Now he is at the threshold of taking that next step and getting treatment. So it is a very intense time. I want to support him in a way that leads to healthy change, but at the same time, I am very afraid that my love and support will make him comfortable. I have given him a set timeline (he has to do it this week or I cannot stay with him), but I am terrified. Am I doing the right thing by staying here with him until Tuesday (that's when he will be able to meet with his employer to tell him that he needs to leave for a while to go to treatment) or am I just enabling his problem for a few more days? He also is fully aware of the fact that I am going to stay in a hotel the minute he gets "crazy"...in other words, I have told him that I will stay with him until Tuesday if he keeps it under control.

sketscher

I really don't know exactly what to tell you but I hope by responding your post will jump to the top and be seen by others. Who will know what to tell you.

My cynical side says that you may be enabling. Logical side says it really doesn't matter what YOU do to support him he's gotta want this on his own, today to tomorrow or whenever.

LizzyP

Hi, newenglandgirl, you have a very good question. I know sometimes the weekends can be slower with folks not being on-line, so you might not get an immediate response to your question. I know others will be along who can provide better insight than I can.

I have the same question, so just know there are others here who relate to the struggle you are going through. My question has been how do I intervene without interfering?

The following are things that have helped me, so I pass them on to you. I say the serenity prayer over and over and over. That brings me peace. I ask God to restore my mind to sanity. I ask God to help me stay out of the way of His working out of His will in AH's life.

Mean what you say, say what you mean, but don't say it mean. If you told AH that he has till Tuesday, are you ready to follow through with that? Do you have your plans in place? What boundary have you set for yourself/him that he can't cross, or you will leave before Tuesday? Maybe write that boundary down, what you will not tolerate, as a reminder. Because it is so easy for us to move that boundary line.

It will be good to hear how things go for you over the next few days.

Love and prayers,

denny57

If the Tuesday deadline works for YOU, then do it. Don't do it for HIM, do it for YOU. Will a boundary I set let me carry on in good spirit and conscience? Great, I'll do it for ME!

Good luck.

Nuudawn

You have given him your word until Tuesday. If you don't keep it, you will be enabling...and hurting you both.

newenglandgirl

Thanks everyone. I'll keep you posted.

mallowcup

I don't see anything wrong with your timeline. I don't see it as enabling, I see it as attainable and reasonable.

newenglandgirl

Thanks. And happy new year everyone!