Lost
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: somewhere out there
Posts: 41
Lost
I found this site a couple of weeks ago and Im so glad I did. Although none of you have ever met me, I have read your messages of support to eachother, and gained some strength from them. I am currently with my A. We have been together for four years now and we are engaged (although my head tells me that would be stupid) I love my A more than I can even say. I moved here from across the country to be with him. It was love at first sight so to speak. We have gone through so much. The promises come and go. I feel stupid because I fall for them every time, and the heartache is that much worse. I have spent so much time planning life around drinking. Holidays are horrible. Its New Years Eve and I know I will spend it alone and worried sick. Ive never really been one of those people that have tons of friends. I dont have any family to speak of except my A's family. My head tells me I cant go on like this forever, but my heart knows that I cant conceive of leaving. I cant stand to think of being so alone without him or family. When hes not drinking it is so good, until he has to go again. I do have some boundries. 1. stay away when your drunk.2.no cheating. I cant leave and I cant stay. War between head and heart. Im so sick and heartheavy I cant hardly stand being at work, let alone lauph. We have always been so close from the start. Soulmates. But this demon is there and it wont leave. He acknowledges it and has tried but it doesnt last. I know how much im manipulated and I know how much ive manipulated in the past to try to make it stop. I know now that I cant. Can I live like this forever? Has anyone lived like this and found a way to be happy? Or do you just settle. I am so afraid if i left i would never ever get over him. And im so afraid im so replaceable. Thank you for listening.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: By the sea
Posts: 415
I hear you!
I ask myself all those questions too. This site is so good because you get to see that you're not the only one out there with these problems. I know that I am also very alone when it comes to this particular issue (my AH).
Listen, I married my AH (Alcoholic Husband) knowing (somewhere deep down inside...I denied it...but I knew...I was too scared to really face the truth...blah blah blah) that he had an alcohol problem. And I wish I could go back in time and called off the wedding. Not because I don't love him, but because maybe if I hadn't of married him he would have reached his crisis point sooner and gotten treatment....and, for me....I wouldn't be so deeply wrapped up in this mess. Trust me, it's just going to get worse for you if you stay with him. Have you gone to Al-Anon? Do you have a therapist? Get some help/advice.
I ask myself all those questions too. This site is so good because you get to see that you're not the only one out there with these problems. I know that I am also very alone when it comes to this particular issue (my AH).
Listen, I married my AH (Alcoholic Husband) knowing (somewhere deep down inside...I denied it...but I knew...I was too scared to really face the truth...blah blah blah) that he had an alcohol problem. And I wish I could go back in time and called off the wedding. Not because I don't love him, but because maybe if I hadn't of married him he would have reached his crisis point sooner and gotten treatment....and, for me....I wouldn't be so deeply wrapped up in this mess. Trust me, it's just going to get worse for you if you stay with him. Have you gone to Al-Anon? Do you have a therapist? Get some help/advice.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
First: welcome! So glad you found us!!!
The things you wrote all sound so familiar. One of the things I did not count on was the progression of this disease. I thought my AH would just stay the same and I could adapt to it....I did for many years. I didn't count on the progression and I also did not figure in other changes as our children grew,etc.
My AH just divorced me after 27yrs of marriage..because he still wants to drink. He is getting worse;not only the drinking but more importantly the behaviors and the "stinkin' thinking". I thought we'd be different "because we love each other".....addiction is no match for anything in it's path.
Help yourself; that is the best thing you can do for you and surprisingly, gives him the best chance of deciding to help himself,too.
Stick around; it really has been very helpful and comforting to me, and I hope you find that to be the case,too. Go at your own pace.
The things you wrote all sound so familiar. One of the things I did not count on was the progression of this disease. I thought my AH would just stay the same and I could adapt to it....I did for many years. I didn't count on the progression and I also did not figure in other changes as our children grew,etc.
My AH just divorced me after 27yrs of marriage..because he still wants to drink. He is getting worse;not only the drinking but more importantly the behaviors and the "stinkin' thinking". I thought we'd be different "because we love each other".....addiction is no match for anything in it's path.
Help yourself; that is the best thing you can do for you and surprisingly, gives him the best chance of deciding to help himself,too.
Stick around; it really has been very helpful and comforting to me, and I hope you find that to be the case,too. Go at your own pace.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Welcome to SR, kindred, glad you're here
Now would be an excellent time to listen to your head. 
"It was love at first sight so to speak. We have gone through so much. The promises come and go."
I have learned this is very common when getting involved with an addict. I also fell for AH the very first time I saw him. The relationship became intense very quickly and I, too, believed we were "soul mates." It is all part of the manipulation of the addict. It is an expertise at finding the co-dependent needed to help enable their addiction.
"I have spent so much time planning life around drinking. Holidays are horrible."
This was also my life. All of our vacations, all of our holidays, events, everyday living, revolved around drinking. Christmas was the worst, if that's possible, because AH's best friend and wife, both drinkers, would visit from Canada for 3 weeks and every single day was the 3 of them drinking from the time they got up until the wee hours of the next morning. I hated it and, of course, became the wet rag of the group.
"I dont have any family to speak of except my A's family. My head tells me I cant go on like this forever, but my heart knows that I cant conceive of leaving. I cant stand to think of being so alone without him or family."
You do not need to be alone. Take a class. Try al-anon. That might be extremely helpful for you. It is also common for addicts to try and isolate the co-dependent. This keeps the co-dependent tied to them, propping up the behavior.
"I do have some boundries. 1. stay away when your drunk.2.no cheating. I cant leave and I cant stay. War between head and heart. Im so sick and heartheavy I cant hardly stand being at work, let alone lauph. We have always been so close from the start. Soulmates. But this demon is there and it wont leave. He acknowledges it and has tried but it doesnt last. I know how much im manipulated and I know how much ive manipulated in the past to try to make it stop. I know now that I cant. Can I live like this forever? Has anyone lived like this and found a way to be happy? Or do you just settle. I am so afraid if i left i would never ever get over him. And im so afraid im so replaceable."
My heart goes out to you. I could have written your story. I stayed for 18 years. Every year, the drinking got worse and it coincided with my plummeting self esteem.
I have not lived with AH for 16 months now. Have only spoken to him twice,for divorce matters. I will promise you this: if you're willing to do the work on YOU, you will "get over" him. You will not mind if you are "replaced" because you will understand he isn't replacing "you," he is replacing an enabling object/possession. That may sound harsh, but it doesn't mean you are not loveable, it means as long as he is deep in his love affair with alcohol, you will never come first in his life. Never.
Something I thought about when I was reading your post - I remember a subconscious belief I had - or let's call it a manipulation LOL - that if I married AH he would "settle down." We married in the 4th year of our relationship, too. Are you thinking that?
If someone like me had come along last autumn and said to me the things I am saying to you, I would have dismissed them (I probably did). I hope you will tuck my share somewhere in the back of your mind. I know we all have to take our own path to recovery. Four years turned into 18 for me, and sometimes I am tempted to say I regret those years. I did cheat myself out of so much. But I've also come to understand that I would not have the people in my life that I do now if I had sought recovery earlier. Everything in its own time and for its own purpose.
Please keep posting; there is great support to be found here.
Originally Posted by kindredSpiritGr 
We have been together for four years now and we are engaged (although my head tells me that would be stupid) "
"It was love at first sight so to speak. We have gone through so much. The promises come and go."
I have learned this is very common when getting involved with an addict. I also fell for AH the very first time I saw him. The relationship became intense very quickly and I, too, believed we were "soul mates." It is all part of the manipulation of the addict. It is an expertise at finding the co-dependent needed to help enable their addiction.
"I have spent so much time planning life around drinking. Holidays are horrible."
This was also my life. All of our vacations, all of our holidays, events, everyday living, revolved around drinking. Christmas was the worst, if that's possible, because AH's best friend and wife, both drinkers, would visit from Canada for 3 weeks and every single day was the 3 of them drinking from the time they got up until the wee hours of the next morning. I hated it and, of course, became the wet rag of the group.
"I dont have any family to speak of except my A's family. My head tells me I cant go on like this forever, but my heart knows that I cant conceive of leaving. I cant stand to think of being so alone without him or family."
You do not need to be alone. Take a class. Try al-anon. That might be extremely helpful for you. It is also common for addicts to try and isolate the co-dependent. This keeps the co-dependent tied to them, propping up the behavior.
"I do have some boundries. 1. stay away when your drunk.2.no cheating. I cant leave and I cant stay. War between head and heart. Im so sick and heartheavy I cant hardly stand being at work, let alone lauph. We have always been so close from the start. Soulmates. But this demon is there and it wont leave. He acknowledges it and has tried but it doesnt last. I know how much im manipulated and I know how much ive manipulated in the past to try to make it stop. I know now that I cant. Can I live like this forever? Has anyone lived like this and found a way to be happy? Or do you just settle. I am so afraid if i left i would never ever get over him. And im so afraid im so replaceable."
My heart goes out to you. I could have written your story. I stayed for 18 years. Every year, the drinking got worse and it coincided with my plummeting self esteem.
I have not lived with AH for 16 months now. Have only spoken to him twice,for divorce matters. I will promise you this: if you're willing to do the work on YOU, you will "get over" him. You will not mind if you are "replaced" because you will understand he isn't replacing "you," he is replacing an enabling object/possession. That may sound harsh, but it doesn't mean you are not loveable, it means as long as he is deep in his love affair with alcohol, you will never come first in his life. Never.
Something I thought about when I was reading your post - I remember a subconscious belief I had - or let's call it a manipulation LOL - that if I married AH he would "settle down." We married in the 4th year of our relationship, too. Are you thinking that?
If someone like me had come along last autumn and said to me the things I am saying to you, I would have dismissed them (I probably did). I hope you will tuck my share somewhere in the back of your mind. I know we all have to take our own path to recovery. Four years turned into 18 for me, and sometimes I am tempted to say I regret those years. I did cheat myself out of so much. But I've also come to understand that I would not have the people in my life that I do now if I had sought recovery earlier. Everything in its own time and for its own purpose.
Please keep posting; there is great support to be found here.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Southern Wisconsin
Posts: 378
Originally Posted by Pick-a-name
addiction is no match for anything in it's path.
Do you know that a bear, once on a path will not deviate from that path? He will climb over every log in his way rather than walk around it. I've even heard a story about a bear that was swimming across a river and clammered over someones canoe rather than swim around it.
I'm thinking addiction is like the biggest baddest grizzly that ever walked the woods.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: somewhere out there
Posts: 41
Thank you all. Denny, I have thought to myself, what if i stay and i wake up ten, fifteen years from now and i realize that ive wasted all this time, and now its years later and im old. I know if someone came to me and told me my story and asked what they should do, i would tell them to GET OUT! But when your in it and you love them its not so easy. Christmas was awful. I begged, and i mean begged, him to please stay home with me. He didnt. I cannot believe that I beg anyone for anything. I cant believe I can be so pathetic and he can turn from me. My AH felt guilty when he sobered up and said he would never drink again."as god as my witness. Im done" was his exact words. Hes kinda religious and i believed him. Its New Years Eve now and hes yelling and being mean and telling me hes sick of guilt. I know hes struggling between keeping his promise and going out tonight. I know which one will win too. Why when he makes a promise do I end up the bad guy?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by kindredSpiritGr
Thank you all. Denny, I have thought to myself, what if i stay and i wake up ten, fifteen years from now and i realize that ive wasted all this time, and now its years later and im old. I know if someone came to me and told me my story and asked what they should do, i would tell them to GET OUT! But when your in it and you love them its not so easy. Christmas was awful. I begged, and i mean begged, him to please stay home with me. He didnt. I cannot believe that I beg anyone for anything. I cant believe I can be so pathetic and he can turn from me. My AH felt guilty when he sobered up and said he would never drink again."as god as my witness. Im done" was his exact words. Hes kinda religious and i believed him. Its New Years Eve now and hes yelling and being mean and telling me hes sick of guilt. I know hes struggling between keeping his promise and going out tonight. I know which one will win too. Why when he makes a promise do I end up the bad guy?
It might help to consider: does he FEEL guilt, or is he saying what you want to hear? Is he really struggling between keeping his promise and going out, or trying to figure out how he can drink and not have you leave him? You will never know. His actions are everything, not the words he speaks. Same for me. Same for you. Same for all of us.
My wish for you, whether you stay or go, is that 2006 is the last time you spend such a holiday season. Because it's not what YOU want.
Take care.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 70
hi, KindredSpirit. I'm so glad you found SR. I've been here only a short time, but have already found it so extremely helpful.
I understand how difficult and painful it can be to think about leaving someone who is your "soul mate", lover, best friend....A few folks reminded me here that when in doubt, don't. If you're still doubting that part of it, about leaving, then you'll leave when the time is right, and you'll know when the time is right.
I so hope, though, that you don't follow through with getting married. Again, when in doubt, DON'T! The problems follow you into the marriage and only get worse. Whatever issues you are dealing with now in your relationship, only compound themselves into the marriage. They do not magically go away.
I've been a part of Al-Anon for four years. It has really saved my sanity and has brought serenity into my life. In the opening at Al-Anon it says, "No situation is really hopeless, and it is possible to find contentment and even happiness whether the Alcoholic is still drinking or not." I held onto those words that I heard from my first meeting. Al-Anon, along with SR, can give you tools for dealing with the relationship with your ABF as it is today.
With it being New Year's Eve, maybe set up a Plan B for yourself if ABF isn't home. Maybe see if there is an Al-Anon meeting to go to today, at least to connect with some other like-minded folks (although, I know it can be scary getting to that first meeting). Or, maybe take yourself out to a movie, or have a hot relaxing bath, or a hot chocolate and rent a movie. Whatever, but do something kind for yourself today.
Love and prayers,
I understand how difficult and painful it can be to think about leaving someone who is your "soul mate", lover, best friend....A few folks reminded me here that when in doubt, don't. If you're still doubting that part of it, about leaving, then you'll leave when the time is right, and you'll know when the time is right.
I so hope, though, that you don't follow through with getting married. Again, when in doubt, DON'T! The problems follow you into the marriage and only get worse. Whatever issues you are dealing with now in your relationship, only compound themselves into the marriage. They do not magically go away.
I've been a part of Al-Anon for four years. It has really saved my sanity and has brought serenity into my life. In the opening at Al-Anon it says, "No situation is really hopeless, and it is possible to find contentment and even happiness whether the Alcoholic is still drinking or not." I held onto those words that I heard from my first meeting. Al-Anon, along with SR, can give you tools for dealing with the relationship with your ABF as it is today.
With it being New Year's Eve, maybe set up a Plan B for yourself if ABF isn't home. Maybe see if there is an Al-Anon meeting to go to today, at least to connect with some other like-minded folks (although, I know it can be scary getting to that first meeting). Or, maybe take yourself out to a movie, or have a hot relaxing bath, or a hot chocolate and rent a movie. Whatever, but do something kind for yourself today.
Love and prayers,
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 156
Hi KS,
I met my XAH back in 1997. A month after we were dating I saw a huge red flag waving telling me that his decision to stay out all night drinking at a function that we went to together (I left around 1000 and thought he would come over to my house) is something I should stay away from. I ignored it. We dated for 5 years got engaged, I always new him as a big drinker and was always amazed at how much he could drink and he never seemed to be bothered the next day. One day he walked out. Said he could not do it (get married).
He came back two years later, I waited for him...yes I did because he was my "soulmate" and by coming back I thought that was God putting us together . Not so much. I was so excited that he came back and we got engaged to be married. I never noticed how much his drinking progressed. My sponsor told me to live with him for a year, and that I could postpone the wedding until I walked down the isle. Well I didn't live with him for a year we got married last June.
I meekly asked if we could postpone the wedding and he said no, all the people are coming...I said ok. My neighbor, since I have been separated, told me that the night before the wedding I mentioned that I was really worried about his drinking. It has only gotten worse. I deserve so much more than I was allowing myself to have. The things that he was doing were so horrible, mean, dishonest, disrespectful etc...I pushed me and my feelings aside to get this???
Since we have separated it has been hard. I am in therapy, coming to this site alot and hoping he doesnt call. He hasn't. My thing is that I guess I still want to be important to him and I am not at all important to him. I want better for myself. I have not been more important that drinking for a very long time. Drinking and hanging out with people he doesn't even know until all hours of the night is the choice that he makes today.
Hang in there, we are all here for you and we are all too familiar with the feelings you are feeling.
I met my XAH back in 1997. A month after we were dating I saw a huge red flag waving telling me that his decision to stay out all night drinking at a function that we went to together (I left around 1000 and thought he would come over to my house) is something I should stay away from. I ignored it. We dated for 5 years got engaged, I always new him as a big drinker and was always amazed at how much he could drink and he never seemed to be bothered the next day. One day he walked out. Said he could not do it (get married).
He came back two years later, I waited for him...yes I did because he was my "soulmate" and by coming back I thought that was God putting us together . Not so much. I was so excited that he came back and we got engaged to be married. I never noticed how much his drinking progressed. My sponsor told me to live with him for a year, and that I could postpone the wedding until I walked down the isle. Well I didn't live with him for a year we got married last June.
I meekly asked if we could postpone the wedding and he said no, all the people are coming...I said ok. My neighbor, since I have been separated, told me that the night before the wedding I mentioned that I was really worried about his drinking. It has only gotten worse. I deserve so much more than I was allowing myself to have. The things that he was doing were so horrible, mean, dishonest, disrespectful etc...I pushed me and my feelings aside to get this???
Since we have separated it has been hard. I am in therapy, coming to this site alot and hoping he doesnt call. He hasn't. My thing is that I guess I still want to be important to him and I am not at all important to him. I want better for myself. I have not been more important that drinking for a very long time. Drinking and hanging out with people he doesn't even know until all hours of the night is the choice that he makes today.
Hang in there, we are all here for you and we are all too familiar with the feelings you are feeling.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
I'm co-dependent...but I am also an alcoholic with only three baby weeks of sobriety under my belt. What I will tell you ...my most intimate relationship has always been with alcohol. It was always my defense in not letting anyone truly see me. When things went awry in my relationships, it was always easier on me knowing it was my drinking rather than "me". I chose booze over relationships for the majority of my last twenty years...until I finally hit "pay dirt" and found someone who had no problem with my drinking cuz he drank as much and then some.
I will not lie..I truly believe I love this man..but unbelievably he is actually more screwed up than I...it was my relationship with him that made me see that I am and always have been a terrified alcoholic.
I saw that despite my intense attachement..nothing ever felt real...cuz it never was. We were both wasted most of the time...and really, even when sober..(as in between drinks) ..we aren't right either - are brains are marinated in different degrees 24-7.
No one knows who I am...I'm at the point I really don't know either (but I'm finally desperate enough to know). You don't know this man...your really don't. You have seen glimpses of the man you love..but by and large...he is a facade.
If you are willing to live this life...run to Al-Anon.
I will not lie..I truly believe I love this man..but unbelievably he is actually more screwed up than I...it was my relationship with him that made me see that I am and always have been a terrified alcoholic.
I saw that despite my intense attachement..nothing ever felt real...cuz it never was. We were both wasted most of the time...and really, even when sober..(as in between drinks) ..we aren't right either - are brains are marinated in different degrees 24-7.
No one knows who I am...I'm at the point I really don't know either (but I'm finally desperate enough to know). You don't know this man...your really don't. You have seen glimpses of the man you love..but by and large...he is a facade.
If you are willing to live this life...run to Al-Anon.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Happy with me !
Posts: 680
Welcome ! And (((Hugs))) to you....
I have been with my A for 14 yrs (married 3.5 yrs.) I ne ver knew that is does progress, you just don't realize it.
I am beginning to work on me and try to understand that I have to take care of ME !
Please keep posting.
I have been with my A for 14 yrs (married 3.5 yrs.) I ne ver knew that is does progress, you just don't realize it.
I am beginning to work on me and try to understand that I have to take care of ME !
Please keep posting.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: somewhere out there
Posts: 41
Nuudawn, That was the scariest thing ive read on this site. He did tell me once that he didnt know who he was. He started drinking as a teen and is now pushing forty so i guess thats alot of growing up to miss. I know there comes a point when you have to save yourself, but he is so needy and sad. He is so afraid i will leave and I have promised in the past that i wouldnt ever leave and I have rode him for not keeping promises. What a mess.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Honolulu
Posts: 60
Hi.
Thank you for posting.
This is our first christmas and new years and he chose to go to work. I remember before he left he said he did the same thing last year so it tells me he'll do it again next year too if he doesn't deal with the issue.
HOnestly, I don't know if he's drinking because he's on a ship.
No, we are not married yet and after reading some of these posts I may not until he gets into therapy to deal with his issues.
marriage is a lifetime commitment.
I don't know if I'm ready to spend it with him.
He's a good person but he has a lot of work to do.
Thank you for posting.
This is our first christmas and new years and he chose to go to work. I remember before he left he said he did the same thing last year so it tells me he'll do it again next year too if he doesn't deal with the issue.
HOnestly, I don't know if he's drinking because he's on a ship.
No, we are not married yet and after reading some of these posts I may not until he gets into therapy to deal with his issues.
marriage is a lifetime commitment.
I don't know if I'm ready to spend it with him.
He's a good person but he has a lot of work to do.
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
You don't have to stay or go. You can stay and be less effected by what he says and does. I know it sounds impossible but you can stay and be happy even if he never quits. You can educate yourself about this disease and attend alanon for support and applicable skills that will help you very effectively detach. It doesn't take long before realzing that when you change as you learn, life gets better and better. We should all be living that way anyway
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
I'm sorry to scare you but we alcoholics all have a bad case of arrested development. I too will be forty at the end of January. But I agree with mallowcup...you don't have to stay or go..if you stay, just educate yourself so that his behaviour does not tear down you....your soul and spirit...as my alcoholic exBF (and alcoholism) tore down mine. I truly believe that everyone is put into our lives for a reason...when the student is ready, the teacher appears. Do not sacrifice yourself for him...strengthen yourself with support and wisdom. I do not regret my relationship with an alcoholic whatsoever...quite the contrary as I was finally able to look right into myself.
Whatever you decide will be the right decision for the right time...just ensure you stay true to you and do not let unneccessary misery befall you. His words and actions should never ever dictate your self worth...that is ultimately up to you.
My best,
T.
Whatever you decide will be the right decision for the right time...just ensure you stay true to you and do not let unneccessary misery befall you. His words and actions should never ever dictate your self worth...that is ultimately up to you.
My best,
T.
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