Nuudawn

I just found this particular forum. I'm normally on the AA one as I'm an alcoholic. I've also mow realized I'm a co-dependent. Before going to my first AA meeting a few short weeks ago on December 11th. My relationship with a fellow alcoholic and addict fell apart for the second time. I have spent a great deal of my sobriety obsessing about him...being angry with him..being hurt by him chasing me and talking about forever and pushing so hard to be with me again..and then abandoning me again. When I have these moments where I am obsessing about him I try to remember my own alcoholism ...my own ways of running away from him...the hurtful things I have said and did. But it's hard to get out of my head sometimes. My ex was stabbed outside of a bar the other night ...well, that is the story he's telling but I actually don't believe it as the police were apparently involved yet the news in our town has covered a number of stabbing incidents over the holidays yet curiously there is no mention of the one outside a bar where apparently he and the bouncer were attacked. He is okay...apart from a bad gash in his hand that he was too drunk to get stitches for. Or perhaps had to evade police/hospital as he is on court order not to drink and to stay out of liquor establishments while he awaits his DUI (and numerous other charges) court. I'm actually wondering if he stabbed himself in some horrid wasted mental state.

I am working on myself right now...staying sober, renewing my hope and interests, getting back to being healthy and getting back to the gym..yet still I obsess...and worry about him. His addiction has made him a loser...despite much talent, brains and success. But my addiction was making me a loser too. If not for my own alcoholism and issues, I wouldn't be with someone like that. If I was healthy I would be grateful that I am no longer with someone like that (I am a lot of the time). If I was healthy I would focus on my own life and sobriety...rather than hoping he'll quit to prove he loves me (or his children for that matter)...rather than obessing about him.

It's like I use his words, behaviour and abandonment as a baton to beat myself with...that I am unloveable, worthy of disgust and dismissal. It sickens me because somewhere inside me I know that is not the truth. People like me... I have many, many friends and accomplishment in my own right. Yet still...I feel completely unloveable. I've always struggled with relationships due to my own committment issues and fear of intimacy.

I'm a mess...and this feels like a long and difficult road ahead.

I'm grateful for being able to ramble on here. Thanks to anyone who take the time to hear me.
T.

Zoey

Nuudawn, Welcome to this forum on SR, so sorry you slipped through the cracks, and didn't get an instant reply, happens sometimes. but everyone will be along to share.

Sounds like you see the problem and it just takes work, determination, and baby steps. Glad you joined us, keep reading everything, and keep coming back.

mallowcup

Well. You certainly have alot going on right now, so much that it must be very hard to sort it out, to make sense of it, to know how we can help or stand back. When things take such a serious turn, I would imagine it would leaves you feeling like you got punched in the stomach. I think you realize this situation is beyond your help. Alcoholics who insist on drinking usually wind up in trouble with the law. You aren't alone, you aren't drinking, you are feeling this instead of numbing it with alcohol. You can look at this from many angles. Holy Toledo!, you are scared! and you are facing it,congradulations, and I mean that! As the details of this mystery injury unfold, that truth will be revealed. The details are second to the fact that this could have turned out to be fatal. I have many curiosities about it that don't really matter. What was he doing outside with the bouncer? Was he being bounced? Seems to me a hand wound would imply he was trying to get a blade away from someone. In any case, these details will come out. What happens to him because of this is completely out of your control. There comes a time when you get into enough trouble you can't be bailed out. I think this is a time for you to use restraint, do nothing. I say that because ther have been times when God has put his hand on my chest as if to say, NO, be still. No matter what there come sa time when we all face our ultimate decision, his time has come. Love him by praying for him. Stand back and let God be his only answer.

Nuudawn

Thank you so much Zoey and mallowcup...thank you. LOL..I was feeling a little slighted that no one responded to my post until now....but in the interim I was reading other posts and responses that were giving me great comfort and insight. I am thankful I found this part of the site...very thankful. I've been dealing with my alcohol issues at AA..and it's been awesome...but I know there wasn't enough balance cuz I wasn't dealing with the other issue of my constant obsessing over a man that can only help himself...that is between him and God...not him and I. I love that line Mallow..."Stand back and let God be his only answer". I deviate between that all the time....trying to let go and let God...and rushing over there to tell him to "snap out 'of er and get help". Not my business. He isn't worrying about me...so no need to concern myself with his biz...easier said than done.
Again, thank you ladies...

deax

Nuudawn, just wanted to say welcome. You say you're a mess but to me you sound like you're in a good place right now for growth, despite all that you have going on. You're going to AA, to Al Anon, you're looking inward, you're speaking honestly about your vulnerabilities, you're aware of your obsessing and your balance issues, and you know how much of what he says is total BS. Those are all great things. You've got one leg on each side of the fence and that has to be overhwleming. I know on this side of the fence, for me it has been a bit of a bumpy and at times scary ride. But it's also enormouly rewarding to make a committment to myself (for a change) and try and put some of that energy into me that I was always giving away to everyone else.

Anyway, welcome and I'm glad you're here. You sounds quite insightful and I look forward to reading your shares from your unique "cross addicted" perspective.

steady14

ND

A sincere congratulations on your sobriety and healthy outlook on yourself. As a fellow codependent, I can relate very well to your feelings. Fortunately, my wife is now nearly 130 days sober. Unfortunately she is still acting extremely out of touch.

What you are doing and thinking about based on the previous advice given by others is the right path. It's so very difficult to see someone you love engage in destructive behavior but the realization that we cannot control the situation is a big step. It all boils down to the serenty prayer, twelve steps, and traditions. Working this in the spirit of AA and/or Alanon is what we all need to stay sane. While we might be sane we still are in a big mental cloud over our respective situations which makes us (or me at least) question our sanity.

Living in the moment, trying to think positive, and enjoying the beauty of life is what gets me through the day. It's not easy but I try, and it sounds like you are too.