deax

You know, the other day I was saying how I was kind of hurt and disappointed that he didn't contact me at all during the holidays. Jeri said to me the other day that every time you get to feeling those ways again, they turn arund and do something totally unexpected.

My uncle is in a court-ordered rehab and he gets 36 hours leaves now and then. He was at my house this morning and we spent the day together, had lunch, getting reacquainted, he was helping explain Richie to me, separating truth from fiction. Takes one to know one and all that.

So we're having a cup of coffee in my kitchen when someone knocks at my door and my uncle says, "Who's this a-hole?" (that's how he talks) For some reason I thought it was gonna be my neighbor, but... it was f'ing Richie!!!! I couldn't believe my eyes. My stomach did a flip...

I walked to the door and as he caught me through the door he winked at me and stuck his toungue out. Like everything is a big ******* joke. I opened the door and there's a beautiful red truck outside my house, and some guy in the front seat. He says, "HEY! Happy New Year!" I said, what are you doing here? He was like, "I cam to pick up my tools.... feel like having lunch with me and my friend?" Those of you who follow my story will remember that he was supposed to come a month ago to get his tools, he lives 3 hours away, and asked if I wanted to have lunch then, before he admited to the crack, at which point I hung up before I ever answered him or gave him my cell number again.... I guess he never ended uo coming til this weekend, and just shows up at my house?!! With nor warning... The balls on this guy. I said, "No" with an incredulous look on my face. After that he peered into the house behind me and saw my uncle, who was standing 10 feet behind me just watching it all. And my uncle is massive now. So Rich just said, "Alright. Happy New Year." I said, "Same to you." And off he went. Me and my uncle stood at my door and watched him get in this guy's truck (the guy was his sponsor, supposedly, but I wonder if it's his crackhead friend Mike, whose idiotic wife, an ER nurse, recently bought him a brand new truck about a year ago).

Sigh... I don't even know how I feel. I feel pretty much nothing, but everything at the same time. It's weird. I was just saying two days ago how I miss him, started a thread about it I felt it so strongly. And now today, I'm in shock that he had the balls to show up here, and that he thinks nothing of it.... my shock over the crack addiction... how upset I was... the fact that even if I was kind of weak about it here and there, I told him I wanted no contact until he had a year... how little he respects my word... how he seemed in a good mood.... I just don't know what I feel.

Do I call him and tell him how I can't believe how much nerve he had showing up here? I Know the answer is no... he's just so unpredictable. I can't make heads or tails of it.

My uncle, a recovering heroine addict, told me today all his behaviors I told him about in the whole relationship are telltale signs of a drug addict, and I was so naive that I am lucky to have gotten out in one year. And he said you can pick up and put down even crack, if you need to. And he told me all the secrets of how they do things....

I feel confused, you guys. I don't know what Richie is thiking, or what he feels or ever felt toward me anymore. I feel kinda bad for being so distant towards him today, and yet I wanna punch him in the face for showing up my house. I wonder if he woulda left so quickly if my uncle wasn't behind me. I wonder if he's gonna wanna know who he was after he has some time to think about it....

Careful what you wish for. It was all such a blur I can't even remember what his face looked like today, or what he was wearing...

embraced2000

well, deax, i know completely how surreal this is for you. everytime i get all squishy feeling in my heart bout my xah, he will contact me in some form and it just blows my mind....like, can he feel the vibes or what????

hon, i know how it can rock ya back on yer butt. everything just comes flooding back to me when this happens to me....the love, the hate, the love, the love, the hate, the love.....i'm excited, angry, happy, pissed, elated, scared, sad, miserable, hopeful, tragic, you name it.....all at the same time when he contacts in some way.

i want to kick him in the wazoo, and i want to wrap him in a quilt and love him, i want to call police and have him arrested, and i want to make him chicken soup, and give him chocolate cake.

just hang in there....play the tape all the way through. take a peek at the end of the tape, if ya don't want to watch the whole thing play out again.

love to you
jeri

prodigal

As I have posted many times before, and will say ad nauseum: a tiger, is a tiger, is a tiger. You are angry at him because he is behaving like a jerk. But he's behaving like a jerk because he is an addict. Your expectations that he's going to be some polite, considerate guy should fly right out the window. He is clueless. He doesn't get it. What used to get me in an uproar is the same sort of inconsiderate, downright stupid stuff. Then I let go of my expectations that I was going to get any sort of halfway decent, considerate, respectful behavior from an addict. They're a mess and they act like they're a mess.

Why would you even entertain the idea of calling him up to let him know that you think he had some nerve to show up when he did? He's gone and now you are thinking of doing things that indicate you are in some way pursuing him in order to hold him accountable for his crass behavior. Are you waiting for him to have an "ah-ha" moment, slap his hand to his head and say, "My God, you ARE right - I have been a complete a** and treated you disrespectfully! I should have seen this from you perspective a long time ago!"

I'm confused as to why you are confused. Your uncle sounds as if he gave you some pretty good insights into what to expect. And what to expect is what you got: a person who is spaced out and doesn't operate along rational lines.

deax

Yeah, thanks jeri. I actually thought of what you said as he was walking down my front steps....

I don't feel too set back, I guess. I know I did good. I said no and let it be. I was lucky that he saw my uncle behind me, I honestly hope he thinks it's competition. And I was in pajamas- sweats and a hoodie. I know it;s not good recovery but I'd love to have him be a little jealous-- he obviously still takes me for granted enough to think he's welcome to walk up to my door when he wants, with no warning.

He's selfish. What he wants, when he wants it. He's fearless- this is my MOTHER"S house and she hates him, and her car was in the driveway. He still- six months later- takes me no more seriously than he did on Day 1.

I wonder if it was his sponsor in the truck. I wonder what he's thinking now. But whaT does it matter, clearly nothing I ever do has any effect on him. He's always the same.

But I know i've grown some becaus eafter this I changed, went to get an oil change with my uncle, then we went out to lunch, then we took a ride to the mall-- I kept busy and stayed out alll day. Six months ago I'd have still been under the covers crying.

And I haen't called him at all.

deax

Yeah... maybe I'm not so confused. Amazed at myself that I still give him the ability to surprise me. Amazed at how fearless and inconsiderate he is, at how he winked at me like he's cute and this was all a big joke. And really amazed at myself that I stil have feeling for him, even just a bit.

My uncle said I only saw one of his faces. He has another, I just never met that guy.

I don't want him back. This was another blessing, more prrof from my HP that he's all wrong for me. This made me feel even less valuable to him, made me feel like he doesn't take what I went through seriously. The pain he caused me through his lying. I know he can't understand in active addiction, but I put so much more energy into all of this than he did.... the wink was proof of that.

Ah, whatever. Just wish I could get over him already, 100%. For some reason, I did the right thing, but I still feel just a little fear of really letting go. I didn't know if I should hug him, invite him in, or tell him to **** off and gett off my porch. It was a mish mosh of emotions... I guess that confuses me. Wish my own feelings were clearer.

embraced2000

i don't know why you were confused, but i can share why i think i am confused when this happens....one thing is that i am ending a marriage and relationship one sided....i have no input from him except the ridiculous and insane. i can't say goodbye to a rational man. it leaves somethng unfinished with me. just my thoughts.

prodigal

Be patient with yourself and give yourself time. This, too, shall pass. If I ran into my former AH - and I haven't laid eyes on him in almost four years - I don't know what I'd think. At this point, I'd probably think back on things a bit, feel a bit strange, then let it go. We all move on in our own way and at our own pace.

You invested far more of yourself in the relationship than he did. I think that is why you still feel so angry and confused. You gave a piece of yourself to someone and they took it and waded it up like a piece of used chewing gum and tossed it in the garbage can. That's enough to make anyone feel royally ticked-off!

Just remember, if it hadn't been you it would be some other woman. With addicts, I think they can move on pretty easily to their next victim because they don't get all that emotionally invested in a relationship. They're major investment is to have someone around they can rely on (as in USE) for the stability they lack. That's what we codies do best - enable and caretake.

deax

Yes! I think this is a huge part of it.... It never occurred to me that way. But yeah, the insanity continues and there's never any closure, or genuine acknowledgment of my experience. Everything will blow over.

This too. You guys are both absolutely right. I guess I wanted to mean more. I kind of knew this as it was happening: times I felt he just wasn't taking whatever was going on between us seriously enough. AGain, everything will blow over. SO even when I attempt to set boundaries for myself and break up with him, I still get that dismissed feeling from his sense of entitlement.

Good news is, I think I'm approaching this. I'm pretty ok with this, especially since this was the first time I've seen him in person since June 17. Wow...

Nuudawn

This is a very helpful thread for me....I do same thing with my ex...expect rational, sensitive and courteous behaviour from an irrational emotionally stunted alcoholic/addict. Oh the insanity...

sketscher

deax, for what it's worth I understand the confusion you feel. My xabf acts non-chalant with me at work for example when things are so screwed up otherwise. Acting cute and innocent. But rest assured they are in pain. As mine put it today he's battling a demon everyday.

deax

I hope this is true. Maybe you're not supposed to wish pain on someone you love. But if he doesn't feel pain from the overall state of his pathetic life, then he loses his human-ness to me. And pain is the only thing I can see as a stepping stone to him wanting recovery. And these days I see that ever happening for him as so unlikely. WHere there is breath there is hope? I like that idea, but he has no motivation. Nothing to lose. I used to wish I would be a good enough motivation, but I know better than to let myself think that way now. If it works out that he wants to do it for some other woman, fine. Pain is all that's left. At least I'm no longer protecting him from it.

CatsTail

That's just so them Deax. Listen to your Uncle about Addicts and how they behave, you'll learn a lot.


Ngaire