Another Start
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Kent, CT
Posts: 6
Another Start
Hi Everyone,
Well, this is day 2 for me. Seems like the millionth time I've done this, but I really think the time is right.
I've been drinking for over 30 years- amazing...since college. My first husband was an alcoholic, but he was living with Hodgkin's disease, and eventually died of it as well, so I could understand why he drank so much. We always had "drinks" at cocktail time, and he would continue after dinner in order to be able to sleep.
After he passed away I continued my drinking habit, not every day, but often, and with my second husband got him into the habit of having a few drinks every evening, even after we had kids. But one evening I had a few too many, and when he came home I was crying and told him I thought I might have a problem with alcohol. Since he has alcoholism in his family and my father was an alcoholic too, we agreed that we would only have drinks socially, when we went out. Well that lasted briefly, until I felt I "needed" a drink. I felt very guilty, but once I got past the initial time it got easier to lie to myself and everyone else, and I continued to drink - vodka and tonic - secretly, usually every evening before dinner. I rationalized it by saying it made me happy, a better mom, gave me energy to come home from work and then do dishes, make dinner, put the kids to bed, and be in a good mood. That was about 10 years ago... Now my son is 17 and my daughter 14. My daughter has started to show signs of liking alcohol a little too much. On Christmas evening we had wine and let her have a small glass. Well she sneaked into the kitchen after that and had 3 more glasses, after which she proceeded to throw up. It's not the first time she has sneaked alcohol. And she does know about my "problem." I told her a few months ago, after a few drinks, confiding in her that I drink pretty much every day, and that I don't want her to be like me.
The image of my 14 year old daughter lying in the bathtub sick from drinking made my absolutely disgusted with myself. I need to help myself so I can help her. I need to be a good example for her. I know I need to tell my husband but the thought terrifies me...how could he forgive me for deceiving him all these years? Part of me just wants to stop - on my own and not tell him until a lot of time has gone by and I haven't had a drink in years. Part of me wants to be able to still drink socially, which was our initial deal. Of course I couldn't seem to keep that bargain then, so what makes me still think I can do it now? In any case, I feel horribly guilty right now...it's like a heavy weight.
Anyway, I'm hoping being here will provide some needed support. I know it's not going to be easy, but I know that anything that would make me lie to my family for years on end and now seems to be stalking my 14-year-old daughter can't be good. I want 2007 to be a new start!
Well, this is day 2 for me. Seems like the millionth time I've done this, but I really think the time is right.
I've been drinking for over 30 years- amazing...since college. My first husband was an alcoholic, but he was living with Hodgkin's disease, and eventually died of it as well, so I could understand why he drank so much. We always had "drinks" at cocktail time, and he would continue after dinner in order to be able to sleep.
After he passed away I continued my drinking habit, not every day, but often, and with my second husband got him into the habit of having a few drinks every evening, even after we had kids. But one evening I had a few too many, and when he came home I was crying and told him I thought I might have a problem with alcohol. Since he has alcoholism in his family and my father was an alcoholic too, we agreed that we would only have drinks socially, when we went out. Well that lasted briefly, until I felt I "needed" a drink. I felt very guilty, but once I got past the initial time it got easier to lie to myself and everyone else, and I continued to drink - vodka and tonic - secretly, usually every evening before dinner. I rationalized it by saying it made me happy, a better mom, gave me energy to come home from work and then do dishes, make dinner, put the kids to bed, and be in a good mood. That was about 10 years ago... Now my son is 17 and my daughter 14. My daughter has started to show signs of liking alcohol a little too much. On Christmas evening we had wine and let her have a small glass. Well she sneaked into the kitchen after that and had 3 more glasses, after which she proceeded to throw up. It's not the first time she has sneaked alcohol. And she does know about my "problem." I told her a few months ago, after a few drinks, confiding in her that I drink pretty much every day, and that I don't want her to be like me.
The image of my 14 year old daughter lying in the bathtub sick from drinking made my absolutely disgusted with myself. I need to help myself so I can help her. I need to be a good example for her. I know I need to tell my husband but the thought terrifies me...how could he forgive me for deceiving him all these years? Part of me just wants to stop - on my own and not tell him until a lot of time has gone by and I haven't had a drink in years. Part of me wants to be able to still drink socially, which was our initial deal. Of course I couldn't seem to keep that bargain then, so what makes me still think I can do it now? In any case, I feel horribly guilty right now...it's like a heavy weight.
Anyway, I'm hoping being here will provide some needed support. I know it's not going to be easy, but I know that anything that would make me lie to my family for years on end and now seems to be stalking my 14-year-old daughter can't be good. I want 2007 to be a new start!
Old & Sober Member of AA
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Nursing Home in Brick, New Jersey
Posts: 5,174
Welcome to Sober Recovery, Shirley. You've found an excellent place for encouragement and support. Your story is not much different from many of the women here...just variations on an old alcoholic theme.
I drank for 32 years...have now been continuously sober for 27. There are probably as many ways of staying sober as there are alcoholics. I personally swear by AA meetings...because it's the only thing I tried; and, I do know it worked for me!
Please consider trying to go to AA meetings. It can't hurt...and, it may very well be a life-saver for you and your family. In the meantime, keep posting/reading the threads here.
I drank for 32 years...have now been continuously sober for 27. There are probably as many ways of staying sober as there are alcoholics. I personally swear by AA meetings...because it's the only thing I tried; and, I do know it worked for me!
Please consider trying to go to AA meetings. It can't hurt...and, it may very well be a life-saver for you and your family. In the meantime, keep posting/reading the threads here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Kent, CT
Posts: 6
Thanks raerob!
Thanks for the warm welcome! Yeah, I'm sure my story isn't so different from a lot of the women here...but it's really nice to know you're out there. I know AA works for many, many people. It's just that, since my husband doesn't know (yet, at least) - I'm going to try it this way for now. I do have a Bible study group of really great women that I also "came out" to back in September. One of the women is trying to cut down on her eating and she offered to partner with me - we email one another to support each other in our efforts. This holiday season hasn't been too great for me as far as my resolutions...it's tough to stick with it when there are so many opportunities to drink. And I had told myself that I would wait until New Year's to begin but after the Christmas evening debacle with my daughter I thought - God, I've got to just stop, for her sake and my own. So that's why I consider yesterday my beginning day. I look forward to reading other people's stories and experiences here and getting through - one day at a time!
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome to SR!
I suggest you read the top sticky here
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/alcoholism/
Blessings
I suggest you read the top sticky here
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/alcoholism/
Blessings
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,518
Hi Shirley,
I'm glad you found us and you are making a good choice to stop drinking. I don't think there is ever a good time to stop drinking and it's going to be hard, but you can do it. There is lots of support here and we're here to help.
I'm glad you found us and you are making a good choice to stop drinking. I don't think there is ever a good time to stop drinking and it's going to be hard, but you can do it. There is lots of support here and we're here to help.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Somwhere over the rainbow
Posts: 1,175
Welcome to SR Shirley. I pray for your sobriety but I also suggest you discuss this with your hubby. What you will probably find out is that he knows more about your drinking than you likely realize. It is usually far more apparent to those around us than it is to those of us using it.
Peace and welcome to SR. Levi
Peace and welcome to SR. Levi
~Author of My Life~
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Doing what I thought I couldn't....
Posts: 4,796
Welcome Shirley! So glad you found us here at SR!
We've all had many many 'first strats'...they all count, a motto I have had for a long while is this......
'I may have fallen a thousand times, but I have stood back up a thousand and one.'
It is never too late to start again...........just being on here is a great beginning! It helped me to learn to live again, I was so busy dying and avoiding what would grant me life it was insane. I too thought all hope for me was lost....but isn't lost.....on any of us.........where there's life....there's hope..........keep posting!
We've all had many many 'first strats'...they all count, a motto I have had for a long while is this......
'I may have fallen a thousand times, but I have stood back up a thousand and one.'
It is never too late to start again...........just being on here is a great beginning! It helped me to learn to live again, I was so busy dying and avoiding what would grant me life it was insane. I too thought all hope for me was lost....but isn't lost.....on any of us.........where there's life....there's hope..........keep posting!
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Welcome to Sober Recovery, Shirley.
I know that I spent over ten years trying to "drink socially"... I figured if I could just work out the right COMBINATION... the right TIMING... the right FRIENDS... the right BAR... the right CIRCUMSTANCES...
... Oh, the manipulations I went through... 1 drink with a coffee back... 1 drink, tall water and a coffee back. 1 drink, 1 pepsi, 1 water, 1 coffee back.... and I still couldn't drink fewer than about 4 drinks per hour. Even with my tolerance, I wasn't good for much more than 3 or 4 hours of drinking.
Sigh.
And I tried so flippin' HARD.
Looking back, I really cannot fathom why I put SO much effort into trying to get drunk slow. Except, that now I know I am an alcholic. I have something different about my physiology that I cannot drink. Ever.
Ok, fine then. It was too much fricken work anyway. I am too lazy to work so hard at something that was supposed to be "fun".
Giving up the idea of being a "social drinker" was very freeing for me.
I wish you the best.
I know that I spent over ten years trying to "drink socially"... I figured if I could just work out the right COMBINATION... the right TIMING... the right FRIENDS... the right BAR... the right CIRCUMSTANCES...
... Oh, the manipulations I went through... 1 drink with a coffee back... 1 drink, tall water and a coffee back. 1 drink, 1 pepsi, 1 water, 1 coffee back.... and I still couldn't drink fewer than about 4 drinks per hour. Even with my tolerance, I wasn't good for much more than 3 or 4 hours of drinking.
Sigh.
And I tried so flippin' HARD.
Looking back, I really cannot fathom why I put SO much effort into trying to get drunk slow. Except, that now I know I am an alcholic. I have something different about my physiology that I cannot drink. Ever.
Ok, fine then. It was too much fricken work anyway. I am too lazy to work so hard at something that was supposed to be "fun".
Giving up the idea of being a "social drinker" was very freeing for me.
I wish you the best.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Kent, CT
Posts: 6
Thanks to all of you!
Thank you all so much for your encouragement. I'm going to love being here. I really do fine, with the best and strongest of intentions not to drink, but around 3-4-5 pm I start hearing "the voice" - with all kinds of rationalizations for why I could or should drink "just today." Yesterday, after only 2 days of no drinking, I went to my second job at 3 and during the 2 hours I was working had to fend off thoughts that "Well, maybe I should wait until Jan. 1 - after all, we're going to some friends on New Year's eve, and it'll look strange if I don't drink at all, so I might as well start after that..." But I didn't drink last night and felt so good just driving home, enjoying watching tv with my husband and daughter, and this morning woke up without the guilt and fogginess. Oh, I still have the "other" big guilt - of all these years of secret drinking - but at the moment I don't have to feel guilty about drinking yesterday.
Reading the excerpts yesterday on this site from "Under the Influence" was really enlightening and relieving. Even though people call alcoholism a disease, part of me hasn't believed it, and I still think it's an issue of character, which I don't seem to have enough of. I think that's really how my husband feels. He thinks it's a copout to call it a disease, relieving the alcoholic of the responsibility for his actions. That's one reason I'm afraid to tell him. I think he'll see it as a betrayal of him rather than a statement of the nature of this disease. On the other hand, if it is a disease, why can people quit drinking? People do it all the time, by force of will and character. So I don't know how much is lack of character and selfishness and how much is illness. I guess that's an old question.
Here's to another day without drinking - day 3!
Reading the excerpts yesterday on this site from "Under the Influence" was really enlightening and relieving. Even though people call alcoholism a disease, part of me hasn't believed it, and I still think it's an issue of character, which I don't seem to have enough of. I think that's really how my husband feels. He thinks it's a copout to call it a disease, relieving the alcoholic of the responsibility for his actions. That's one reason I'm afraid to tell him. I think he'll see it as a betrayal of him rather than a statement of the nature of this disease. On the other hand, if it is a disease, why can people quit drinking? People do it all the time, by force of will and character. So I don't know how much is lack of character and selfishness and how much is illness. I guess that's an old question.
Here's to another day without drinking - day 3!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
Welcome Shirley Poppy!!
You've come to a great place for insight, information and unconditional support in your recovery. I use AA and 12 steps to stay sober and its working for me.
I hope you find a path that feels just right for you, too!
You've come to a great place for insight, information and unconditional support in your recovery. I use AA and 12 steps to stay sober and its working for me.
I hope you find a path that feels just right for you, too!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Kent, CT
Posts: 6
Thanks to all of you!
Thank you all so much for your encouragement. I'm going to love being here. I really do fine, with the best and strongest of intentions not to drink, but around 3-4-5 pm I start hearing "the voice" - with all kinds of rationalizations for why I could or should drink "just today." Yesterday, after only 2 days of no drinking, I went to my second job at 3 and during the 2 hours I was working had to fend off thoughts that "Well, maybe I should wait until Jan. 1 - after all, we're going to some friends on New Year's eve, and it'll look strange if I don't drink at all, so I might as well start after that..." But I didn't drink last night and felt so good just driving home, enjoying watching tv with my husband and daughter, and this morning woke up without the guilt and fogginess. Oh, I still have the "other" big guilt - of all these years of secret drinking - but at the moment I don't have to feel guilty about drinking yesterday.
Reading the excerpts yesterday on this site from "Under the Influence" was really enlightening and relieving. Even though people call alcoholism a disease, part of me hasn't believed it, and I still think it's an issue of character, which I don't seem to have enough of. I think that's really how my husband feels. He thinks it's a copout to call it a disease, relieving the alcoholic of the responsibility for his actions. That's one reason I'm afraid to tell him. I think he'll see it as a betrayal of him rather than a statement of the nature of this disease. On the other hand, if it is a disease, why can people quit drinking? People do it all the time, by force of will and character. So I don't know how much is lack of character and selfishness and how much is illness. I guess that's an old question.
Here's to another day without drinking - day 3!
Reading the excerpts yesterday on this site from "Under the Influence" was really enlightening and relieving. Even though people call alcoholism a disease, part of me hasn't believed it, and I still think it's an issue of character, which I don't seem to have enough of. I think that's really how my husband feels. He thinks it's a copout to call it a disease, relieving the alcoholic of the responsibility for his actions. That's one reason I'm afraid to tell him. I think he'll see it as a betrayal of him rather than a statement of the nature of this disease. On the other hand, if it is a disease, why can people quit drinking? People do it all the time, by force of will and character. So I don't know how much is lack of character and selfishness and how much is illness. I guess that's an old question.
Here's to another day without drinking - day 3!
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