bit of a long'un.............help.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: birmingham, lengland
Posts: 2
bit of a long'un.............help.
Hey...........
not been on here for a while. Guess things are catching up with me, I don't know what to do. Its Christmas in a few days and Ive got my ticket booked for home. But I don't if I want to or even if I can go home this year. Feels like everything is coming to head now and I'm frightened at whats going to happen.
Suppose I should explain a thing or two.....................my Mum has got a really horrible drink habbit. And has since I was about 11 (as I can remember, I'm now 23). But the thing is I have a little brother and sister (not that their little now 19 and 16) but they were back then. My mum's drinking wasn't really ackowledged in my house till I was about 14. I helped my Mum hide it for years. And i don't think my Dad really wanted to see it.
That all changed when my Mum left when I was 15,it was the best thing really, I wouldn't leave children with her in that state now. But my role in the family changed overnite. I was always a bit quiet and content to just sit and read but now I had to be there for my brother and sister. They were so little, 9 and 6. I'll never forget the first nite my sister crying for our mum and me telling we'd play a game and I'd be her pretend Mummy.
I dont reset the responibilities I had to take on, it was for my family who I love and I would do it again. But I can't help but be angry at my mum and dad.
Not one in all the years since, did my mum get harslf sorted for us. Only last year did she manage a flat and even then she just sat in it waiting for us to come round so she could play mum. But we never did because she was always drunk and as we've gotten older we'ver begun to make our own choices. But the feeling of guilt just grows. My brotherw wants nothing to do with her, don't think he can take being hurt. And my sister is just going off the rails. The she thinks about our mum and the way she talks and acts towards her is so like me years ago. She doesn't want to leave her to it, what if something happens to her? Where does that leave us?
My dad...........I love that man so much, maybe too much. He's the one person in the world who's respect and love I need. But again Im angry at him and too scared to say. He sits and tells me about my mum's drinking, like I don't know about??!?!? How she was drinking for years............I know, I helped hide the bottles!?! I hid so mouch for her, for him, maybe I was wrong to. But he never noticed. I don't know if this is common but my mum used tom play mind games with me. Only me, the oldest. Read somewhere that sometimes those who drink do take it out on certain people, dunno? I feel angry that he never noticed. And when my mum did go, he only seemed to care about the fact that my BROTHER'S and especially my SISTER'S mother had gone, like she was nothing to me.
And now my brother and sister are starting to mess up. I went away to uni at 18................far away and feel now like i left them. My sister has even shouted that at me when she's angry. I left because I couldn't take it, yet I left them there. My sister displays all of the classic signs of a child with disrupted childhood. I'm not stupid and well read and I hate seeing it in her. Sometimes the love I have for her is like how I'd imagine I'd love a baby, my baby. All she grew up knowing was our mum comimg and going and then I left too.
Anyway gone on a bit, sorry. Just worried because this christmas will be the first with my brother not there (he's in the army) and I'm not sure if my sis will be there. She mover out earlier in the year (even longer story!) Not too sure if my Dad really wants a Christmas or is just doing what he thinks he should do. And I know my Mum will be upset at how HER christmas isn't how she imagined it......................obviously due to no fault of her own!!!!!
Beginning to think I might just have a quietChristmas on my own but it's not what i want, just not too sure I can do the happy family act this year.
Sorry to have gone on so long, cheers for reading.
Katz.
not been on here for a while. Guess things are catching up with me, I don't know what to do. Its Christmas in a few days and Ive got my ticket booked for home. But I don't if I want to or even if I can go home this year. Feels like everything is coming to head now and I'm frightened at whats going to happen.
Suppose I should explain a thing or two.....................my Mum has got a really horrible drink habbit. And has since I was about 11 (as I can remember, I'm now 23). But the thing is I have a little brother and sister (not that their little now 19 and 16) but they were back then. My mum's drinking wasn't really ackowledged in my house till I was about 14. I helped my Mum hide it for years. And i don't think my Dad really wanted to see it.
That all changed when my Mum left when I was 15,it was the best thing really, I wouldn't leave children with her in that state now. But my role in the family changed overnite. I was always a bit quiet and content to just sit and read but now I had to be there for my brother and sister. They were so little, 9 and 6. I'll never forget the first nite my sister crying for our mum and me telling we'd play a game and I'd be her pretend Mummy.
I dont reset the responibilities I had to take on, it was for my family who I love and I would do it again. But I can't help but be angry at my mum and dad.
Not one in all the years since, did my mum get harslf sorted for us. Only last year did she manage a flat and even then she just sat in it waiting for us to come round so she could play mum. But we never did because she was always drunk and as we've gotten older we'ver begun to make our own choices. But the feeling of guilt just grows. My brotherw wants nothing to do with her, don't think he can take being hurt. And my sister is just going off the rails. The she thinks about our mum and the way she talks and acts towards her is so like me years ago. She doesn't want to leave her to it, what if something happens to her? Where does that leave us?
My dad...........I love that man so much, maybe too much. He's the one person in the world who's respect and love I need. But again Im angry at him and too scared to say. He sits and tells me about my mum's drinking, like I don't know about??!?!? How she was drinking for years............I know, I helped hide the bottles!?! I hid so mouch for her, for him, maybe I was wrong to. But he never noticed. I don't know if this is common but my mum used tom play mind games with me. Only me, the oldest. Read somewhere that sometimes those who drink do take it out on certain people, dunno? I feel angry that he never noticed. And when my mum did go, he only seemed to care about the fact that my BROTHER'S and especially my SISTER'S mother had gone, like she was nothing to me.
And now my brother and sister are starting to mess up. I went away to uni at 18................far away and feel now like i left them. My sister has even shouted that at me when she's angry. I left because I couldn't take it, yet I left them there. My sister displays all of the classic signs of a child with disrupted childhood. I'm not stupid and well read and I hate seeing it in her. Sometimes the love I have for her is like how I'd imagine I'd love a baby, my baby. All she grew up knowing was our mum comimg and going and then I left too.
Anyway gone on a bit, sorry. Just worried because this christmas will be the first with my brother not there (he's in the army) and I'm not sure if my sis will be there. She mover out earlier in the year (even longer story!) Not too sure if my Dad really wants a Christmas or is just doing what he thinks he should do. And I know my Mum will be upset at how HER christmas isn't how she imagined it......................obviously due to no fault of her own!!!!!
Beginning to think I might just have a quietChristmas on my own but it's not what i want, just not too sure I can do the happy family act this year.
Sorry to have gone on so long, cheers for reading.
Katz.
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Hi Katz!
Glad you are back posting, although its never a fortunate disease to be dealing with.
Im an ACOA, and neice, and graddaughter, and ex- fiance of an alcoholic.
The holidays can be rough of even the most grounded non disease afflicted people, and for me, yikes, they can get horribly unfun.
I can really relate to this. I felt the way you feel about your sis about my brother for a long time, still have to work thourgh those feelings alot.My brother wont be going home this year, he moved out when he was 14, but this is the first year since (hes 20) that he wont be coming home.
Hope the day gets better..or evening I suppose it is for you
Glad you are back posting, although its never a fortunate disease to be dealing with.
Im an ACOA, and neice, and graddaughter, and ex- fiance of an alcoholic.
The holidays can be rough of even the most grounded non disease afflicted people, and for me, yikes, they can get horribly unfun.
Sometimes the love I have for her is like how I'd imagine I'd love a baby, my baby. All she grew up knowing was our mum comimg and going and then I left too.
Anyway gone on a bit, sorry. Just worried because this christmas will be the first with my brother not there (he's in the army) and I'm not sure if my sis will be there.
Anyway gone on a bit, sorry. Just worried because this christmas will be the first with my brother not there (he's in the army) and I'm not sure if my sis will be there.
Hope the day gets better..or evening I suppose it is for you
In Recovery
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 259
Katz,
Hi there. Glad to read your post. It sounds so familiar. I remember feeling ashamed of myself that I didn't "enjoy" Christmas like most people...it's a holiday I've always wished I could avoid...but, since I have children of my own, who love their aunts and uncles and cousins, I feel obligated for their sake.
These days, I feel free to lie down and "nap" in one of the spare bedrooms, or take a walk outside/drive to the store on errand, etc... without the feelings of shame or guilt. I have to do these things or risk my sanity and sobriety.
If you do decide to attend, brace yourself for the reality of what will most likely occur. "Put your shield up, so that you don't have to take out the sword (and partake in the family meltdown)." In other words, have an Exit Plan. Know when you are ready to blow/give in/etc... and have a plan in place to remove yourself from the situation, even if only on an emotional level. (for example, go to the bathroom and repeat some self-love mantras)
Know that you can excuse yourself from the situation without explanation or emotional bargaining (i.e. telling them that the situation stresses you out, or that your feelings are hurt won't work...it just adds fuel to the fire).
Best of Luck and God Bless,
Hi there. Glad to read your post. It sounds so familiar. I remember feeling ashamed of myself that I didn't "enjoy" Christmas like most people...it's a holiday I've always wished I could avoid...but, since I have children of my own, who love their aunts and uncles and cousins, I feel obligated for their sake.
These days, I feel free to lie down and "nap" in one of the spare bedrooms, or take a walk outside/drive to the store on errand, etc... without the feelings of shame or guilt. I have to do these things or risk my sanity and sobriety.
If you do decide to attend, brace yourself for the reality of what will most likely occur. "Put your shield up, so that you don't have to take out the sword (and partake in the family meltdown)." In other words, have an Exit Plan. Know when you are ready to blow/give in/etc... and have a plan in place to remove yourself from the situation, even if only on an emotional level. (for example, go to the bathroom and repeat some self-love mantras)
Know that you can excuse yourself from the situation without explanation or emotional bargaining (i.e. telling them that the situation stresses you out, or that your feelings are hurt won't work...it just adds fuel to the fire).
Best of Luck and God Bless,
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I do understand, I feel the same way. I have to spend Christmas with my mother, she's been drinking for over 60 years. It will a real bummer...all my holidays are.
I stay as long as I can, then I leave. Let it go, and, forget about it...that's all I can do.
My Best,
Dolly
I stay as long as I can, then I leave. Let it go, and, forget about it...that's all I can do.
My Best,
Dolly
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