refreshing34

Well to start of AH has been drinking less. He has actually went 3 nights this week without drinking. Last night was one of them. He still won't get help but acts like if he cuts down I will stay and not leave because I told him if he didn't get help and stop drinking I couldn't live this way anymore.
Even though he hasnt' drank as much he still acts basically the same.

I don't know what is normal anymore. I know I shouldn't need to but sometimes I feel like I need to know I am not the crazy one.

Last night at dinner I said my daughter (14) had a dentist apt. the next day and AH started making drill noises. I told him to knock it off. He kept on and went on to tell her that they had this big needle (about 3 inches) he showed her with his fingers. He wouldn't stop kept laughing and finally daughter just got up from the table and never even finished dinner. I asked him why he would do that and he said nobody likes the dentist.
I asked him about it this morning and he seems to think that I was the one creating paranoia by telling him to stop.
The history is she is diagnosed anxiety disorder. Durning the summer I had to get her blood drawn 3 times. She was literally histerical. She gets so worked up you can't reason with her. He thinks it is funny. I don't.
He isn't the one holding her and trying to reason with her while she is crying and totally hysterical. He can't comprehend how someone can be so upset over something so minor.

She had nightmares last night about the dentist.

Even though he has cut down he still is acting the same. He is so crabby and makes comments all the time.
I noticed last night that he stayed to himself upstairs but joined us for dinner and tension was pretty high while he was with us. After dinner I helped the kids clean up and then we watched a movie. He stayed upstairs most of the time. It is better when he stays to himself.
I feel like I am going crazy. Like I am totally loosing control of myself.
It is still a few weeks before I can get out but am sure that is what I need to do.
I am just feeling so down and alone right now.

I go to my first Al-Anon meeting tonight.

Cynay

You are not crazy at all hon, and you are not alone now either.

Im glad your going to Al-anon, I hate that you feel alone in this and that will give you some face to face support.

Im told that the Alcoholic's maturity level stops when they start drinking.... SO someone that started their career at say 19 and then decides to get sober at 40 is really emotionally around 19. This explained alot about my ex. That is disrespectful and just plain rude what he is doing with your daughter IMHO

He is not quiting drinking because he wants too he is doing it because he has too and he is not even stopping. I have no doubt there are lots of resentments inside him for that.... you also dont know if he is sneeking it when he is "seperate" from you..... Bottom line for me would be, it really does not matter.... his actions/drinking/lack of actions is a problem.... does not matter if he is drinking or not... still a problem. When someone elses actions are hurting me and they are not willing to change the actions.... its my responsibility to take action to protect myself from feeling hurt. I have to change the situation (or whatever) to take care of me.

Please take care of you and the children... his issues are just that....His not yours

robina

Al-anon will help a lot. There will be people there who know what you are going through.

prodigal

He cut down on his drinking, but he goes after his own child and plays a sadistic game. That is very sad. It doesn't make one single bit of difference if they stop drinking or not - the behaviors will still be there. My AH hasn't touched a drop in 9 days. The verbal abuse stopped. However, now I have someone who talks about superficial stuff, doesn't touch me at all, and wanders off to bed everynight without even saying "goodnight." It's better than having to listen to his crap, but what I have now is someone who acts like some sort of replicant.

Cynay is right on the mark - the age at which the disease took hold is where they are stuck. At the moment, I'm with a 20-year-old kid in the body of a 49-year-old man.

My prayers are with your daughter and you. The way he treated her at dinner was abusive and cruel. Cutting down on drinking is not the same as quitting and doing something about it. Give him a little time - the drinking will likely escalate again.

iwillriseabove

Cutting back on drinking for an alcoholic is pointless. My AH acts the same whether he drinks every night or every other night. The only time he was different was right out of rehab this last time. He was sober for 4 months and the first 3 months were heavenly. But when he stopped working the program, stopped going to meetings, it all stopped. Just b/c they may not be drinking, they are still the same person with the same selfishness. That doesn't change overnight with sobriety. I feel that it would take years of counseling, at least for my AH.

reader

I may come off here as a little hypersensitive but I was mistreated by a miserable step father. His treatment of your daughter is verbal/mental abuse. He must know she has anxiety. I think u did call him on this but this sort of thing must stop for the girls sake. I will related a little of my story with "cutting down". My hubby drank kinda heavy for 30+ years. Though he was never mean but I told him I was sick of it. He tried AA, treatment, therapy but the bottom line was he was trying to save our marriage. He was well intended but it wasn't "for" him. He now drinks one maybe two beers a couple of times a week. This has been at this level for about 2 years. The only difference is that he is a big ***** cat, always was. He spoils the kids, I attribute this to our age difference, he is more like a doting grandfather. Even worse now that he is retired. I don't want to get on my high horse hun, but it would be a cold day in hell before anyone would treat my kids poorly. Please get that doll into counseling with her anxiety issue she needs it. This is just my opinion, take it with a grain of salt if u will but be her hero!!!!!!!!!

Kellye C

Been there done that and it's awful. My ex-ah would get really drunk, show his *ss and then swear off to get himself out of hot water. The times he wasn't drinking were actually more miserable than when he was. He was mad because he was being "made" to quit drinking, he was miserable so he was going to make dang sure that his misery had plenty of company. He was verbally abusive to me and my kids drunk or sober. After a year of this I had enough. I started making a plan of escape. It was like he sensed this and was on his best behavior but by then the damage was done and I was moving back to Texas no matter what. You and your daughter do not deserve to be treated that way. Nobody does.

Being an alcoholic myself I have had the experience of trying to taper to get people off my back. I wasn't mean to people because that is not my style but I WAS miserable and resentful. It wasn't until I got sick and tired of being sick and tired that I had a chance at a meaningful recovery. Doesn't sound like your AH is there yet. You have no control over him and his actions but you do over yours so you have to focus on you and your child and what is best for ya'll. If you are not already going, Al-Anon and Atateen would probably be great for you both. I'm sorry you're in this position because it really sucks!

Hugs,
Kellye

embraced2000

in my experience, even tho they quit drinking, they resent the hell outta it, feel like you have made them lose their best friend, and see us as controlling evil-doers. my xah sober behaviors were every bit just as horrid as his drunken behaviors....only time his sober behaviors were wonderful was when he was working his program to the hilt.....then he was wonderful, and i was the looney-tooney.

your husbands behavior towards your daughter was immature at the least, but was truly cruel and mean spirited.

why are they all so damn mean-spirited, anyway??????!!!!!!!!

i still think they should just all go live together and torment the hell outta each other.

love to you
jeri

TexasGirl

AH was mean-spirited too. He thought it was so funny to pick me apart or terrorize me. Sigh.

I've shared this before, but you haven't heard it, so I'll share again. When I moved out, AH told me how different it would be this time if I moved back home. He said, "Every other time I said I was quitting, I wasn't really. I was doing whatever I needed to do to keep you home with me." I WAS NEVER REALLY QUITTING. He said it himself....they will do and say whatever it takes, they will play the game, to keep you there with him.

Take care.

refreshing34

I am so thankful to all who responded.

I did go to my first Al-Anon meeting last night. It was diffrent than I expected and everyone says don't make any decisions and don't leave until you have been to at least 6 meetings. That seems like forever. Unfortunatly there are no Al-Ateen meetings in the area. As far as getting my daughter in help for her anxiety issues the closest is 3 hours (1 way) away. I can't believe there is no help in my area.

Last night was more of the same. I went to my meeting and when I came home AH seemed to be ok. Enteracting with the family. During dinner started an argument with son, and seemed to be slurring his words even though he wasn't drinking. As the night went on I noticed him going in and out of the house to the garage. He got very drunk. He was stumbling all over, ended up falling down the stairs and also ended up scratching his head so he was bleeding but he just dissmissed it all.
Why can't he pass out like other people. Instead he can be falling down drunk and not pass out. He pestered me forever.
So during the night my resolve to leave is high but in the morning I can't bring myself to take that step.
I don't know what is wrong with me. I am shocked that I have put up with so much and still haven't left.

I think I kept my silence so long (until April of this year) that I am now in a hopeless situation.
Why do I have hope even though he said he doesn't want to quit. I know he won't stop.

I just so thankful for the support I find here.

For people who left.... Did you go back and forth on your dicision for a while?
Was there an event that made it all clear and you never looked back?

refreshing34

I know you are right.
I know he is not quitting. He hasn't even given me any indication of getting help or quitting. Just slowing down.
I don't know why this is so hard to do when I know it is what I have to do.
Thank you for your post.

denny57

No situation is hopeless, but it can feel that way. Going to meetings and learning all I could about alcoholism showed me there is hope - for everyone.

I did not go back and forth on my decision. I was in denial until the minute I said aloud in my first Al-Anon meeting "my husband is an alcoholic." His behaviors had gotten so out of hand I had no choice. I now realize it wasn't one event that set me on my way, but, as my therapist put it, I realized I was worth more.

Everyone gets there in their own time. One of the most comforting things I learned in Al-Anon is that sometimes no decision is the best decision I can make - for now.

Take care and keep posting.

Cali wife

I am new to being honest with myself as well and my husband is cutting down as I write this.....that seems to only mean that he won't drink until the weekend. Which means that by Friday evening I will start to get the knots in my stomach and worry all day and night.... I wonder what he would do if something horrible happend to either me or his daughter while he was out drinking? How would he handle that? He's always MIA and tells me when he gets home that he is an ass and a selfish pig. Finally we agree on something!!! He picks on our daughter because of his maturity level (or the point when he started drinking around 19) I don't always stick up for me, but the tiger comes out when he starts on her!!!!!!! He talks about her weight...her nose and what ever else he can. First of all she's beautiful and with all the horrible information out there in the media I am always telling her that she is great just the way she is!
I am in the same place you are in...I told him a few weeks ago I have HAD ENOUGH!!!! Let's just get a divorce...since then he has said he will slow down. I guess he has...but like your husband he sneaks and can't hide it because it shows...mine stagered in last Friday night about 1 hour late....(which is good~ only an hour) started getting sick in the yard~the bathroom~and then the bed......Fun evening!!! Glad my daughter was out.
I know from my past that when you are ready to leave (if that's what happens) you will know in your GUT and there will be no question what is the right thing to do!!!! Just keep true to yourself and daughter and remember you are NEVER alone.....
C_wife

denny57

This is what matters the most - how it is affecting you. What does it matter what he will think or feel if something terrible happens? What are YOU feeling now and what can you do about it?

Turning it around to focus on me wasn't easy at the beginning. Little by little, I learned to take the focus off of AH and put it where it belonged.

Take care.

refreshing34

I appriciate you posting to me. I feel for you as our stories sound so similar.
I have those same feelings in my stomache. I feel sick alot of the time now.
I am sure I have developed an ulcer due to this. It really acts up when I am stressed.

I have been telling mine for 8 months now that if he doesn't get help and change I will leave. He pacifies me until he feels I am comfortable again.
Mine does drink at home for the most part he doesn't go out drinking very often.

Why do they think if they don't drink in our face we won't know.
AH is acting all nice like nothing happened last night. I haven't brought up the fact the he was drunk or drinking. I pretty much keep my opinions to myself unless he gets on the kids. I have a very hard time standing up for myself. I let it all go for the most part. I am seeing that is a bad idea.
He is all nice today. Invites me to lunch and has my tea waiting when I get there. Just being extra nice but not bringing up last night. We will see what he does tonight.

I know how it affects my daughter. I feel for your daughter. Mine does the weight thing to but is more into the lazy and asking questions to make her feel stupid. And he will just start yelling think can't you even think. Don't you ever think before you speak stuff like that. She has a bad complex over it but we are working on that and she seems to be doing better.

I am glad to hear when you are ready to leave there are no questions you just know. I hope to have that same feeling instead of see sawing back and forth so much.

denny57

I was just talking to the woman who was here appraising my house. Her first husband was also alcoholic. By the time she left him, she said she was vomiting blood. Our doctor told me I was killing myself and I believe him. Take care.

robina

Dealing with my daughter's alcoholism took a terrible toll on my health. The disease is deadly for the alcoholic and the loved ones.