27445lv

I just need to talk about some feelings i am feeling today.. My ex husband whom I still am in love with, but I still hold up a guard looks great. Me and the kids visit him every saturday and we do family things together. I love that feeling of securness, but I don't know why I feel so numb. I guess it is a protection in my life. But I think he tells me over and over how much he loves me, how can I believe that, could it be possible that it may and can work out.
I have another confession though, I have been seeing and sleeping with a guy way younger then me, we go to school together, but I dont know why I am doing this, (sleeping with him)... The more I see my ex husband and see the man that I first fell in love with the more, I am letting the emotions for this other young gentlemen go, is this normal. When do I stop the relationship with this young gentlemen, what I am doing is it wrong? I guess I feel bad because I dont want to hurt my ex husband feeling by telling him the truth, my ex husband has asked me if I have been with anyone else, and I lied, I feel bad, but poor guy has only been in sobriety for 90 days, I dont want to shock him.. am I doing the right thing.. Help!!!![

Zoey

What do I think? Just my thinking, others might share differently!
I think it is best not to have 2 men in ones life.

I think it is best to live alone, see a therapist, go to meetings and read.

This is a bad situation as you attend school with the young one, is it possible to change classes?
I think you know it is never good to lie, I have always been found out.

If your x asks again, perhaps just say you neither one have a right to ask that question as you are divorced.

Good luck. Not a very good reply, but best I can do at almost 3AM, you are probably not alone in this situation, we all want someone to need or want us.

StandingStrong

Do onto others as you'd wish them to do unto you.

Therefore, would you like this young man to use you as you are using him?
Would you like your ex husband to lie to you as you have him?

For me - I have found that I have unresolved feelings about my AH. In that, I know that I am not ready to fully move on with another relationship. I am very honest about my feelings on this subject. (With everyone except AH as I don't really speak to him).
My point is that I am working on me and my own issues. I don't need the drama, guilt, and bad feelings I'd feel towards myself if I were to do something that doesn't sit right with me. So, I guess it comes down to what you really feel is right.
Just my thoughts.

27445lv

very very good advice thank you

mallowcup

You haven't had that in a long time. Here's the real deal though. You are taking the parts of two men that you want and need by deceptive means. The wrongness of it is obvious. It can't work. You make reference to your ex husband. If you don't want to lie to him, (he shouldn't be asking you about your sex life), you have allowed him to. Instead of saying, "I am not comfortable talking about that part of my life". Period. Now you are in a pickle. There is something that really irritates me, when I found out my ex was cheating on me, he said, "I didn't tell you because I didn't want to hurt you". Like what, it hurts less when you are the last to know. If you are divorced, you have every right to date. I think the answer to your questions will come when you sit down and decide who you are. Who do you want to be? There is nothing wrong with the life you are living as a single person, except the lying. Why do you lie? You lie because you are afraid of judgement. You have allowed yourself to be accountable to someone who is an ex. I would respond to any further questions with, "Im not going to talk about that part of my life, it isn't a measure of anything between us and it makes me feel accountable".

embraced2000

jmo....as hurtful as the truth can be, the lying hurts more. the sting of a truth that may hurt us, can be worked on.

dishonesty adds another layer to the problem. now there are two problems, instead of one.

blessings
jeri

p.s........i can be guilty at times of both.....and have experienced the pain of seeing those i love hurt by my actions and then the lie to cover it up.....that's how i know. i've done it, and had it done to me.

jeri

27445lv

that is true i need to treat him like i would want to be treated. cuz i did not divorce him because of the fact that i stop loving him, it was a financial reasons but i think i do need to decide what i want, and that saying that you said, about both haveing somingthing i want but not in one person is soooo true.. you read my mind. thank you

IrshIzNotSmilin

274451v I sometimes work with a man my age who flirts with me .I mean sometimes because I am not in the situation that I see him daily. I imagine sometimes having a relationship with him and how it will be a fix. Codie behavior is the fix the flight the how do i cut and run mentality. It is a fantasy run. This is how I ended up with AH. Soooooooooo, my point being two wrongs won't make a right. Don't jump from the frying pan into the fire. Not trying to be trite. I think bad = bad. Good or right thinking, planned thinking, trying to work the program to fully understand my motives helps me in the long run NOT repeat the pattern of behavior. JMO I look at this man who is my own age and to me is like a younger man because I always have dated older, will not be a cure. When I fully analyze my motives I see a few things clearly this man I am referring to has a so-so job, still at 43 lives at home with his parents, is nice looking and works out but is often very stubborn in his judgements about others. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Maybe not as good as I think, so maybe this helps you see your situation too. I do not know but it is complicated when it is not clean. Best to you, irsh

27445lv

hello there, thanks for your advice, but I wonder then, when will I be ready and not be the codie..?

StandingStrong

27445lv - for me, I found that I had to find out who I was! I'd lost myself in AH and the life that we had together with his drinking, etc. It has taken me time to reconnect and figure out who I really am.
It has taken me some time to figure out what I want out of MY life and who I want to become.
I know, that for myself, I am not ready to go out and have a full-fledged relationship. I am still figuring out who I am - without involving another person. This is not to say that I am not seeing someone, it is saying that I am very honest with my feelings and where I stand. I am not lying or deceiving anyone. It is my business and I am figuring it out.

I don't know if you attend Alanon or if you read alot of stuff, but I believe that the key in knowing when you are ready is when you make peace with yourself and find out who you really are! Only when we are more healthy-minded will we be ready for a healthy relationship.

Just my thoughts.

27445lv

My feeling are dying more and more for this young man now that i am changing myself.. every saturday, i take the kids to visit there dad, who is a recovering addict and he seems so at ease, funny, and i actually enjoy his company, i guess that is good right?:c005: