oneeyeopen

here I am whining again...Really, I have not much more to say about the ABF's drugs and drinking and behavior. I debated today whether I even wanted to know any of the details. There is a side of me that is super-curious, and I wonder if it would some how help for me to know, but on the other hand, why do I want to know more than I already do about his "mistress"? I guess I just keep looking for some sort of logic in a situation that just isn't. he actually said, just before running off for his last fix, that he would take me to the place he does the coke!!!!

I know none of this is my fault...

So this evening he says he wants to come over. I said I would go to his place since I know that the place where he goes to do the drugs is in between my place and his and I figured that would be just too tempting for him to stop at on his way home. But then I think about another posting where someone said, that if it was going to happen it would no matter what, so I said sure. KNOWING how much it would hurt if he ran out on me YET AGAIN. I thought, I can't take it another time.

and here I sit...and he has run off...I don't want to call his home phone to see if he really went there like he said he did. But I feel like I just need to know. If I call it will be obvious that I was checking up on him, but sitting here all night not knowing just makes me antsy.

I keep thinking about all those people out there spending their saturday night with their boyfriends, and here I sit alone again.

I should have HBO so I could watch a dozen movies in a row.

best

And if he was sitting there stoned out of his tree...you would still be sitting there alone. When the drugs are in him...he is not himself. You would not be sitting with him, you would be sitting with a using addict.

oneeyeopen

Just as an update--I call him my BF and I his girlfriend, but really, we are not together as such, I am not sure where we are at. I told him to go to rehab before he considers getting back together with me. he is going to go to a substance abuse counselor instead. he has been in rehab once, seems to think he knows it all already.

I am trying to be strong on that point--no romantic involvement until he is sober and clean. But now I realize, how do you ever know when someone is sober and clean? they could be today, and not tomorrow..

okay, i will admit it...I do feel pretty much like his girlfriend, hopelessly in love with the man he is when he is clean...hopelessly angry at the addict.

oneeyeopen

Yup, best, as always a really good point. Thanks. Besides, it isn't like I am not used to saturday nights on my own.

kipper

I also am alone on this Saturday night. I already had the same thought of all the other people that are with their partners tonight. I hate being alone right now, I miss my AF so much.
So know that you are not the only one alone tonight. I know how you feel!
I just have to keep reminding myself that I am doing the right thing by having no contact with him.
Hang in there!

melissaealy

Hi! Sorry you are alone on this sat. night. I'm alone as well. I really dont have any advise because I'm pretty much in the same boat as you. Just know your not alone in the boat of loneliness. Good luck!Hugs to you!

embraced2000

good evening to everyone
it's saturday night, and i, too am sitting here alone with my dog and watching wizard of oz.

and i am so thankful.

if xah were here, he would have already been verbally abusing me for about 7 hours, trying to make me feel it is all my fault that he is so fu**ed up and needs to drink, trying to make me feel that i am worthless as a wife, woman, and lover.

thank god for being alone on this wonderful, saturday night with the serenity and peacefullness of wizard of oz and my dog, rudy.

imo....we do not miss the chaos....we miss and mourn what we thought we could make the alcoholic into......a sober, responsible, caring mate.

try to enjoy your peaceful evening of no chaos and insanity.

i understand your feelings so well..........have spent numerous hours with the gut wrenching hopeless feeling in the pit of my stomach because he was gone...then a light bulb comes on for me...........yes.......he is gone. i no longer have to tolerate his behaviors, i can choose to do whatever i want this evening without having the curse of the disease weighing me down.

blessings to you
jeri

DESIGNER

I am also alone on this saturday evening!!! Yes i am sad but I have to remember that it will not always be like this!!! Just tonight!!!

TexasGirl

Sounds like there are a bunch of us "Solo on Saturday."

I had to laugh, Jeri. I too watched at least a part of the Wizard of Oz also with my dog by my side.

You know, one-eye, my doc said something to me recently (wish I could remember exactly how he put it, but I'll try to convey it). He said something like I have been just accepting my recent circumstances, and subsequent sadness, instead of enjoying the fact that I've created this change. Like I am sad and feeling lonely (and truth be told a little sorry for myself) some nights being without AH. But I am just letting those feelings be placed on me instead of acknowledging that I have created this opportunity, and I have rented my own place to live, and I can now choose how to live my life. I'm sorry...I'm not explaining myself well. Maybe you can glean something out of my rambling!

I think I'll watch a movie.

embraced2000

true texas girl

we have created new circumstances for ourselves. we just need to get used to it, and start trying to enjoy it.

but, i know how hard it is, too. how wonderful to be able to come here and reach out to others going through similar things.

and someday, when we come out the other side of this thing, we will be so healthy and ready for a healthy relationship.

for now, i'm hanging with my dog.....he's one good dog.

blessings
jeri

TexasGirl

Mine too.

faith123

I am alone, also, but glad of it tonight. My ABF and I got into a serious augument today at rehab because I wouldn't get him out and bring him home. Gave me an ultimatum: either he comes home, or we break up and go our separate ways.

Well, here I am. It's peaceful and quiet. I am not sitting here wondering where he is and when he's coming home.

I thawed out a package of fish fillets, cut up some French fries, and had a great supper---ALONE! I think it is better to be alone and know he's NOT coming home, than be alone wondering WHEN he's coming home. Of course, I could have gone to a meeting, but I'm too broke to buy gas. I have been broke since he and I met. I could get used to being alone.

You might try writing in a journal during those lonely times. I sent my journal with my ABF to rehab one time. I thought it would make an impact, but, obviously, only drugs make an impact with a user. I don't have any advice for you, except to do something nice for yourself. I used to go buy myself something nice every time he used, even if I didn't have the money.

The phone just rang. The A was calling to tell me he loves me, and he doesn't want to go to bed mad. Guess there's a heart in there somewhere. He told me he is wanting to use really bad. I knew it already. That's why he was so mean today. It makes me sad to hear him say that, but I am glad he called, and, at least, he's being honest. As long as he stays where he is, he won't use.

Give yourself a break and be nice to him when he comes home. If he has any heart at all, he knows he's done wrong. Maybe he'll feel guilty.

melissaealy

Thanks to all of you for the kind words. It did make me feel better.I'm sorry you all of to go through the same crap as me.Hugs to all of you and Thanks.

prodigal

Alone? Did someone say alone? Well, there IS another body here but I am still alone. He is just too drunk to be on Planet Earth with me. Hell, I'd give my right arm to really be alone right now! I agree that alone stinks, but being alone with an addict is for me, personally, the worst alone you will ever feel. Period.

StandingStrong

I used to feel really hurt, angry, and a whole range of emotions on the nights that my AH didn't make it home to us. I spent ALOT of lonely nights while my AH was out!
But I spent alot of lonely nights when AH was here too. And I really have to agree that those nights felt the lonliness. The only real difference was that when he was home, I knew where he was.

Today AH and I no longer live together. There have been nights that I've felt a little resentful when I've known that he's been out. But there have been times that I have made plans with my own friends and I've gone out. For me - the resentful part of it comes from my being the responsible adult and parent. (He chooses not to be responsible towards himself or his kids)

Sometimes I don't really feel like doing anything - and like mentioned above - I enjoy the serenity of my life, the quiet feel of home. I can choose how to spend my evening any way I wish - and not have to deal with an A. And other times when I'm feeling a little resentful, even when I'm not in the mood, I call up my friends and make plans to get me out of this house. When I am doing something or am busy, I tend to not be lonely.

(((oneeyeopen))) Hugs your way as I so remember feeling so much as you described. Just remember that you don't have to feel that way - how about you call up some friends and make plans for next weekend?

embraced2000

ditto on feeling alone even when xah was here.

now here's the sick , sick part of me........even after a day of hell with him, verbal abuse, threats, disrespectul treatment,.......i would feel all ok when he finally went to bed all angered and liquored up.....cause he was all quiet and tucked in and i still had him. and tomorrow would be better.

you know that feeling when you have teenage kids still at home and you cannot go to sleep until they are all home and in their rooms??? that's what i would feel when xah would abuse me then pass out.....awwwwww.....all is well NOW that the bad baby is asleep.

i can't explain it right. it was so sick.

blessings
jeri

melissaealy

I know what you mean about feeling alone even when he is home. And at the same time glad he is home when he is asleep because at least I know where hes at.I've had the same thoughts and feelings.I'm glads to know that someone understands what I'm going through because sometimes it feels like no one does.KWIM?

DesertEyes

I'd rather _be_ alone than _wish_ I was.

Sat nite I went out to dinner with a couple friends from al-anon, then went to one of my fav meets with my sponsor, then chatted on the phone with another friend. I'm liking being single because even though I am alone, I am not _lonely_.

Mike

StandingStrong

super way of wording that Mike.

cagefree

hugs to you oneeye!

I used to feel so alone when he was still living with me. I had never had a long relationship before my XABF - and I had all of these things I had been thinking of over the years that I'd like to do and see with someone I was so involved with...

Didn't really get to do very many of those things. It hurt a lot...er, used to. Now I'm not reminded of what I'm not doing or experiencing every time he walks into the room or leaves to go do something more important than spend quality "us" time.

Now, just don't ask me about my biological clock, er GONG I mean, and I'll make it through this night without crying.