"...when I can drink again..."
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Bennington, VT
Posts: 8
"...when I can drink again..."
My fiance has been clean and sober for about 70 days now. I'm so proud of him! Well, I thought I was proud of him. You guys may not remember me, I had posted a couple of times in January when he was in rehab. He ran his truck off the road and was picked up for his 4th DUI. He put himself in rehab "to make it look good for the court." While he was there, and I visited him a couple of times, I really thought he understood he is an alcoholic and an addict and was ready to face his problem. He kept saying he didn't want to be that person anymore, and didn't want to ruin his life with beer and pot. I believed him. Stupid me. The other day in the car, coming from checking in at the police station which he has to do twice a day every day and since they took his license I'm driving him back and forth, he said to me... "...when I can start drinking again, I'll be a lot more careful." WTF is that???????? He doesn't understand that he is an alcoholic and CAN'T drink ever again??? He plans on drinking again?? He'll be right back here.... in trouble for a 5th DUI, if not more. Didn't rehab teach him anything??????
OK... so what do I do now?? He can't drink ever again, I know that but how do I get HIM to know that?? OMG what do I do now???
Julie
OK... so what do I do now?? He can't drink ever again, I know that but how do I get HIM to know that?? OMG what do I do now???
Julie
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hello Julie.
Hoo boy. Unfortunately, there's not much you can do to make him know it. You can say it, but if 4 dui's and jail time don't make it sink in, how much can words do? I feel your frustration, but all you can do is what you do for yourself. There's no telling what will be the wake up call, if it ever comes. Let's pray he doesn't injure himself or someone else before he hears it.
Hugs,
Smoke
Hoo boy. Unfortunately, there's not much you can do to make him know it. You can say it, but if 4 dui's and jail time don't make it sink in, how much can words do? I feel your frustration, but all you can do is what you do for yourself. There's no telling what will be the wake up call, if it ever comes. Let's pray he doesn't injure himself or someone else before he hears it.
Hugs,
Smoke
Guest
Posts: n/a
Maybe since he is planning on drinking again you could let him get himself to the police station twice a day. Let him really feel his consequences.
My son went to rehab for 60 days and was so proud of his certificate and making it through without leaving. The day he got out he drank again.
I wish there was something I could do for my son, but I've tried it all and this is the way it is until he comes to the place where he will do everything it takes to stay sober. I can't bring him to that place.
Hugs,
MG
My son went to rehab for 60 days and was so proud of his certificate and making it through without leaving. The day he got out he drank again.
I wish there was something I could do for my son, but I've tried it all and this is the way it is until he comes to the place where he will do everything it takes to stay sober. I can't bring him to that place.
Hugs,
MG
I used to work here ;)
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: I live in Trevose, PA & collect Barbies :)
Posts: 2,024
Wow Julie,
I can definitely relate to the rehab thing. My A said all the right things after getting out, how he had all the right tools, but then he did drink again.
I tend to agree with MG....let him see how it feels to get to places on his own. My A lost his license "forever" maybe the year 2012 and I am the main driver. But when he drinks or I think he has something stupid in mind, I don't take him anywhere. I know where there is a will there is a way but I won't be part of it.
Not a whole lot you can do though. He needs to realize he has a problem on his own. I hope he realizes it soon.
You take care.
Hugs,
Debbie
I can definitely relate to the rehab thing. My A said all the right things after getting out, how he had all the right tools, but then he did drink again.
I tend to agree with MG....let him see how it feels to get to places on his own. My A lost his license "forever" maybe the year 2012 and I am the main driver. But when he drinks or I think he has something stupid in mind, I don't take him anywhere. I know where there is a will there is a way but I won't be part of it.
Not a whole lot you can do though. He needs to realize he has a problem on his own. I hope he realizes it soon.
You take care.
Hugs,
Debbie
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Sadly
there is no way that you can make him see this. He has to see it for himself. I am more than sure that my ex alcoholic husband had similar thoughts, since he was drunk two weeks after one of his bouts in rehab. I really do believe that some demon in their minds convinces them that they can "drink responsibly" after a certain period of time has passed. If your husband's experiences with what happens when he drinks have not taught him that he needs to be done with it, he just hasn't learned his lesson yet. And he is the one that has to learn that lesson.
My response to that statement would have been something like "if you are already planning on resuming your drinking career, we have to have a serious talk about our relationship." Because if I had ever heard my alcoholic flat-out admit that he had plans to return to drinking, I would have begun making plans of my own, that didn't include him in my life.
Peace,
Gabe
My response to that statement would have been something like "if you are already planning on resuming your drinking career, we have to have a serious talk about our relationship." Because if I had ever heard my alcoholic flat-out admit that he had plans to return to drinking, I would have begun making plans of my own, that didn't include him in my life.
Peace,
Gabe
Grace Under Fire
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Another world
Posts: 536
Julie,
Well, sounds like my kids. My one son
is looking at 5 years, and has a program
and drug testing. So far he has figured
how to use around this schedule. It has
curbed his addiction somewhat but the
consequences obviously aren't that severe.
It really amazes me sometimes, but it has
been going on for 16 years. There is nothing
I can do for him, I've tried it all. I pray
for my kids and stick to my boundaries. They
do come and go, but they know what they
can and can't do in my home.
Keep coming back!
Hugs,
Well, sounds like my kids. My one son
is looking at 5 years, and has a program
and drug testing. So far he has figured
how to use around this schedule. It has
curbed his addiction somewhat but the
consequences obviously aren't that severe.
It really amazes me sometimes, but it has
been going on for 16 years. There is nothing
I can do for him, I've tried it all. I pray
for my kids and stick to my boundaries. They
do come and go, but they know what they
can and can't do in my home.
Keep coming back!
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: California
Posts: 329
Hi juliepro,
Sometimes that rock bottom that we think they have hit is so much farther down that it is impossible to imagine!
My husband said he would NEVER EVER drive drunk again after getting done going to a 18 month series of classes that the court had him attend. Well that lasted for awhile and now he is back to driving under the influence again. That is his decision!!The outcome is his problem! I told him if he ever got arrested again that he is on his own and I am not bailing him out!
Take care of yourself!! You have control over that.
All the best,
matters
Sometimes that rock bottom that we think they have hit is so much farther down that it is impossible to imagine!
My husband said he would NEVER EVER drive drunk again after getting done going to a 18 month series of classes that the court had him attend. Well that lasted for awhile and now he is back to driving under the influence again. That is his decision!!The outcome is his problem! I told him if he ever got arrested again that he is on his own and I am not bailing him out!
Take care of yourself!! You have control over that.
All the best,
matters
Member
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: utah
Posts: 42
Julie,
I agree with everyone who posted. There is NOTHING you can do to make him see that he can't drink again. And that is the hardest thing for us to accept. I tried everything in my power to get my husband to quit. Even after two rehabs he wasn't ready. It took him getting fired and my moving across the country with our kids for him to wake up. Now he's working his program like there's no tomorrow and is accepting responsibility for all that he's screwed up in his life. Unfortunately, they all have to bottom out at some point and decide for themselves that enough is enough. I'll keep you in my prayers. In the meantime, work on Julie. Go to al anon and learn to take care of YOU.
I agree with everyone who posted. There is NOTHING you can do to make him see that he can't drink again. And that is the hardest thing for us to accept. I tried everything in my power to get my husband to quit. Even after two rehabs he wasn't ready. It took him getting fired and my moving across the country with our kids for him to wake up. Now he's working his program like there's no tomorrow and is accepting responsibility for all that he's screwed up in his life. Unfortunately, they all have to bottom out at some point and decide for themselves that enough is enough. I'll keep you in my prayers. In the meantime, work on Julie. Go to al anon and learn to take care of YOU.
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: San Diego, California
Posts: 19
Drink again
Hi all:
Good networking going on here re: the subject of the "A"'s drinking again. The "A" had 60 days in, yesterday he drank again. He is appalled that I don't agree. He feels that 95% perfection is improvement? Yikes, that stinkin' thinkin'......
Matters: Do you have an umbrella insurance policy if your husband gets in a wreck or God forbid hurts someone else? I'm contemplating doing just that. My husband is on a restricted license now. He's on his 3rd weekend of mandatory roadwork. Now wouldn't a person realize that something is wrong with this picture? He starts the Diversion Program, Tuesday which is 18 months also. Not to mention the $'s, attorneys etc......
I worked in the field with addicts/alcoholics in the 60's. Quite different when it's so close to home. I explained to him that "one day at a time" literally means no more, but one day at a time. Somehow he has twisted in his mind that it's not the literal meaning. As I said, "stinkin' thinkin'
I get such comfort from reading all your posts and sharing. I also have a very "solution oriented" weekly Ala-non meeting. I was talking to a dear friend today and she asked what was I going to do? I replied that I'll do the footwork, concentrate on my health, work and friends and when/if I decide to make any changes, I'll be ready.
((Hugs)) to all of you,
Good networking going on here re: the subject of the "A"'s drinking again. The "A" had 60 days in, yesterday he drank again. He is appalled that I don't agree. He feels that 95% perfection is improvement? Yikes, that stinkin' thinkin'......
Matters: Do you have an umbrella insurance policy if your husband gets in a wreck or God forbid hurts someone else? I'm contemplating doing just that. My husband is on a restricted license now. He's on his 3rd weekend of mandatory roadwork. Now wouldn't a person realize that something is wrong with this picture? He starts the Diversion Program, Tuesday which is 18 months also. Not to mention the $'s, attorneys etc......
I worked in the field with addicts/alcoholics in the 60's. Quite different when it's so close to home. I explained to him that "one day at a time" literally means no more, but one day at a time. Somehow he has twisted in his mind that it's not the literal meaning. As I said, "stinkin' thinkin'
I get such comfort from reading all your posts and sharing. I also have a very "solution oriented" weekly Ala-non meeting. I was talking to a dear friend today and she asked what was I going to do? I replied that I'll do the footwork, concentrate on my health, work and friends and when/if I decide to make any changes, I'll be ready.
((Hugs)) to all of you,
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Riverside, Ca.
Posts: 388
Juliepro
I am an alcoholic, there is nothing anybody could have done to get me to stop drinking, my story is a lot like this.
Our behavior is as absurd and incomprehensible
with respect to the first drink as that of an individual
with a passion, say, for jay-walking. He gets a thrill
out of skipping in front of fast-moving vehicles. He
enjoys himself for a few years in spite of friendly warnings.
Up to this point you would label him as a foolish
chap having queer ideas of fun. Luck then deserts him
and he is slightly injured several times in succession.
You would expect him, if he were normal, to cut it out.
Presently he is hit again and this time has a fractured
skull. Within a week after leaving the hospital a fast-moving
trolley car breaks his arm. He tells you he has
decided to stop jay-walking for good, but in a few weeks
he breaks both legs.
On through the years this conduct continues, accompanied
by his continual promises to be careful or to keep
off the streets altogether. Finally, he can no longer work,
his wife gets a divorce and he is held up to ridicule. He
tries every known means to get the jay-walking idea out
of his head. He shuts himself up in an asylum, hoping
to mend his ways. But the day he comes out he races in
front of a fire engine, which breaks his back. Such a
man would be crazy, wouldn't he?
You may think our illustration is too ridiculous. But
is it? We, who have been through the wringer, have to
admit if we substituted alcoholism for jay-walking, the
illustration would fit exactly. However intelligent
we may have been in other respects, where alcohol has
been involved, we have been strangely insane. It's strong
language -- but isn't it true?
He may get it someday, and he may not, all you can do is work your program, and decide if you want him in your life,
I was lucky I finally got to a point that I couldnt go on the way I was, I stopped drinking on 5-6-96, and through the grace of god and A.A. I have been sober since, but I had to go through 20 years of hell first.
I am an alcoholic, there is nothing anybody could have done to get me to stop drinking, my story is a lot like this.
Our behavior is as absurd and incomprehensible
with respect to the first drink as that of an individual
with a passion, say, for jay-walking. He gets a thrill
out of skipping in front of fast-moving vehicles. He
enjoys himself for a few years in spite of friendly warnings.
Up to this point you would label him as a foolish
chap having queer ideas of fun. Luck then deserts him
and he is slightly injured several times in succession.
You would expect him, if he were normal, to cut it out.
Presently he is hit again and this time has a fractured
skull. Within a week after leaving the hospital a fast-moving
trolley car breaks his arm. He tells you he has
decided to stop jay-walking for good, but in a few weeks
he breaks both legs.
On through the years this conduct continues, accompanied
by his continual promises to be careful or to keep
off the streets altogether. Finally, he can no longer work,
his wife gets a divorce and he is held up to ridicule. He
tries every known means to get the jay-walking idea out
of his head. He shuts himself up in an asylum, hoping
to mend his ways. But the day he comes out he races in
front of a fire engine, which breaks his back. Such a
man would be crazy, wouldn't he?
You may think our illustration is too ridiculous. But
is it? We, who have been through the wringer, have to
admit if we substituted alcoholism for jay-walking, the
illustration would fit exactly. However intelligent
we may have been in other respects, where alcohol has
been involved, we have been strangely insane. It's strong
language -- but isn't it true?
He may get it someday, and he may not, all you can do is work your program, and decide if you want him in your life,
I was lucky I finally got to a point that I couldnt go on the way I was, I stopped drinking on 5-6-96, and through the grace of god and A.A. I have been sober since, but I had to go through 20 years of hell first.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Raleigh, NC (Jersey Girl transplant)
Posts: 676
Juliepro,
I just wanted to lend my support to you. I have had the same experience with my husband, in that he keeps going back to drinking. I have been with my husband for 20 years. I would recommend that you consider your relationship and whether you want to continue it. The more you invest the harder it becomes to walk away. Some things never change and the compulsion to drink is a strong one. I sometimes wish that I had stopped trying a long time ago and maybe now I would have a different / better life. I definately agree with not driving him to the police station after that comment.
Thanks Jay Walker for your story, that helps me so much to see the problem.
I just wanted to lend my support to you. I have had the same experience with my husband, in that he keeps going back to drinking. I have been with my husband for 20 years. I would recommend that you consider your relationship and whether you want to continue it. The more you invest the harder it becomes to walk away. Some things never change and the compulsion to drink is a strong one. I sometimes wish that I had stopped trying a long time ago and maybe now I would have a different / better life. I definately agree with not driving him to the police station after that comment.
Thanks Jay Walker for your story, that helps me so much to see the problem.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Bennington, VT
Posts: 8
Thanks guys!!!
I really appreciate the kind words and advice from all of you!! I am thinking over this relationship and what I want from it, and what I want for myself. I am going to work on ME... and keeping my children happy and safe.
Jay-walker... thanks for the story. I do understand the actual disease, as I suffer from my own addictions of food.
I will have to think about my A... should I be driving him all over creation or let him fend for himself, and how important is his recovery to HIM.
Thanks again... you've all truely helped!!
Julie
Jay-walker... thanks for the story. I do understand the actual disease, as I suffer from my own addictions of food.
I will have to think about my A... should I be driving him all over creation or let him fend for himself, and how important is his recovery to HIM.
Thanks again... you've all truely helped!!
Julie
No More Mrs. Nice Guy
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Iowa
Posts: 724
Hello all:
You guys are awesome, do you know that? I read thru all this post from beginning to end - like a full Al Anon meeting in 5 minutes. By sharing your experience, strength and hope we all learn and we all take steps towards our own recovery.
THIS POST is why I keep coming back here. I have walked in your shoes, I have lived pieces of your life and I share in your little victories. Thanks for your honesty and sharing.
HUGS to all
Osier59
You guys are awesome, do you know that? I read thru all this post from beginning to end - like a full Al Anon meeting in 5 minutes. By sharing your experience, strength and hope we all learn and we all take steps towards our own recovery.
THIS POST is why I keep coming back here. I have walked in your shoes, I have lived pieces of your life and I share in your little victories. Thanks for your honesty and sharing.
HUGS to all
Osier59
Paused
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: San Diego, California
Posts: 19
When I can drink again...........
Nothing is stronger for the "A" then to drink again, unless and until they, themselves are ready to stop.
Nothing is stronger for we Ala-nons then to band together and share our experiences, strength and hope.
Even though I've been in Ala-non many many years, I always hear information that gets me through another day.
Remember, alcohol is patient, insidious and cunning!!!!! Much stronger than any of us, our relationships and any human thing we can do.
Hang in there, all:
((Hugs))
Nothing is stronger for we Ala-nons then to band together and share our experiences, strength and hope.
Even though I've been in Ala-non many many years, I always hear information that gets me through another day.
Remember, alcohol is patient, insidious and cunning!!!!! Much stronger than any of us, our relationships and any human thing we can do.
Hang in there, all:
((Hugs))
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