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another S.O.S.

Old 03-18-2003, 05:08 AM
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another S.O.S.

Hi, I am sorry to send out another SOS so soon. I am having a very hard time lately. Last night we had another incident and I am reeling from the effects.

I will try to make this short. Husband spends day painting and then goes to bar in afternoon(I don't know where he is getting the money for this). I come home and start exercising. He drives up the street on his motorcycle. A neighbor drives into our driveway and tells husband that he is driving too fast in the neighborhood on his motorcycle and is scaring his kids. Husband mouths off to the guy and threatens him I think. Guy calls the police and claims that husband has damaged his property(his truck). I see there is a confrontation and I tell husband I don't want to know about it. Husband goes back into neighborhood and talks to other neighbors. I finish exercising, shower and get on the phone on some church business. All the time I feel pretty calm. While I am on the phone another neighbor calls and says husband should be calm that the police are coming. I say I am on the ohone right now and I don't want to get involved. Husband has confrontation with 3 police officers in front yard but I don't see any of it. At one point husband is handcuffed and police threaten to shoot one of our dogs(the small puppy believe it or not-we also have a german shepard which was in the house). I go to my Alanon meeting. When I return, the small puppy is missing, wandering the neighborhood.

Up until this point I did very well to be detached from the situation. But when I find out the dog is loose, I loose my cool. I start challenging my husband, who has returned to painting. I blame him for th dog getting out, when all he is thinking of is how unfair it is that the neighbor challenged him and that the cops came etc. He tells me to get out of is face and I go and call his parents. I do this to upset him and make him look bad. He starts yelling and gets very upset. His father gets very upset. I go out into the neighborhood and find the dog and bring him in. Then I go into my bedroom and cry.

The neighbor that complained has a history of being a troublemaker. He is a local fireman and called his buddies on the police dept to come and put husband in his place. Police were ridiculas to threaten to shoot the puppy, he has never even groweled ant anyone. Husband has a history of getting into violent confrontations with people that challenge him, especially when he is drinking.

So the story is long, sorry. Point is I feel bad about my part in making the situation worse. I am thinking that nothing is going to change and that the only way to move forward in my life is to separate from my husband. I hate to say it again, but I am conflicted about this decision and don't really want to have to take this step. I know you all cannot tell me what to do. I just have to share the pain of never knowing from within myself what to do about this situation. I will call my sister this morning. She is an attorney and talk to her about a separation. I may also make an appointment with an attorney that specializes in divorce, which my sister does not. The pain I am feeling this morning is acute, but I don't feel paniced or like I am rushing into anything. I love my husband and I love our relationship. But perhaps love is not enough. thanks for listening.
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Old 03-18-2003, 06:04 AM
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Another SOS

Whew.....Rose, you are so right, dear. Stick close to your Ala-non friends, call them, take care of yourself. Keep detached, try not to buy into this terrible chaos. Take your dogs for walks, get away from the terrible stress.

Remember, people who are not dealing with "A"'s don't have this type of trouble. I keep telling myself that, too.

Special ((Hugs))
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Old 03-18-2003, 06:41 AM
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Wow Rose what a day.... It's not your fault... Don't put this guilt on yourself... You did what you thought was right at the time... I also struggle with what I should do... Should I get a divorce? Should I keep on keeping on? It's not an easy decision and you don't have to decide today... You did a good job with detaching yourself... Give yourself a pat on the back... and don't beat yourself up for what you did do... To make you feel better I would of made a huge scene.... I would of kicked my husband in the balls and I would of told the cops off and probably beat up the neighbors wife.... I probably would of rat out my hubby and told the cops he was riding the cycle under the influence and ask to have him arrested... So I must say I give you an A+... Hugs to you!!! Love Clowie
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Old 03-18-2003, 08:25 AM
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Rose,

I think you did a marvelous job considering what all was going on. Don't beat yourself up. And if you think separation is best for YOU, then so be it.

Your post sounded very calm to me and that tells me you are working your program the best you can and doing it rather well in the midst of a difficult situation, I might add.

I admire you Rose. You hang in there and do what is best for you, honey.

Keeping you in my prayers,

Hangin' In
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Old 03-18-2003, 08:46 AM
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Thanks for your support. I just spoke with my husband and I am trying so hard not to burst into tears here at work. He told me that I never supported him that I always drain him and that if he had the money he would have left. He said that I was his enemy. I am trying to take my own advice and just keep breathing. Today it is so hard as there is a huge lump in my throat. He hates me but I am still ok. He hates me and I am still ok. I will make it through today. I am breathing.
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Old 03-18-2003, 09:02 AM
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Rose...

HE WILL BLAME ANYONE HE CAN and guess what? YOU ARE HIS TARGET! Don't accept it, Rose. You didn't cause any of this. You can't control it (him) and you can't cure him.

But dig down deep, Rose, into that Al Anon training and realize you are NOT TO ACCEPT his blame.

Take the Bla Bla Bla out of blame and all that is left is "me". He's grasping at straws, Rose, and you are the easy target.

Hang tough, Rose. You WILL get through this.

Praying for you. And sending a big hug, too...
Love,
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Old 03-18-2003, 11:07 AM
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I concur!

Dear Rose,

Hangin' in is wise indeed. Your husband IS merely trying to take the focus off of himself, and you are his easiest target. I know, and have been through it. When he was using, my A would react bizarrely and severely towards me when anything happened which threatened to expose his using/unmanagablility. If denials didn't work, raising his voice did. He admits now that he would say anything at all to take the focus off of his using, even if it weren't true...even if it was hurtful.... and especially if it could make me feel guilty somehow, so that my thoughts would be wrapped up in myself, and his using would temporarily not be threatened.

Remember....using is the most important thing in his life to him right now. He will do or say anything to protect it. Don't believe the hurtful garbage.

By the way, you DO sound very calm in your posts! I'm proud of you...I would have been going nuts!! Sounds like you are working so hard to take care of yourself.

Love Mimi

P.S. He hates HIMSELF, not you. Trust me on this one.

Last edited by mimi13; 03-18-2003 at 11:09 AM.
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Old 03-18-2003, 11:25 AM
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Well, well. The obvious answer to "If I had money, I would have left." is "If you had a job, you would have money and one of the things that makes me tense would evaporate. Maybe things wouldn't get so ugly that you want to leave." You don't support him? An engine only has so much steam. How do you financially support a family, including another capable adult, and also have the energy to stand around being the cheering section? I hope you are very clear in your mind that this is total nonsense. He imagines it would punish you if he left? Punishment? Yippy Skippy!

Warts and pond slime! Croaking and bug breath! You did great. The breakdown you had was related to his endangering your puppy... something you love. It's always harder to let go when you go into protective mode.

But may I suggest you tape a copy of the serenity prayer on the telephone and make yourself read it before you call his parents again?

Stop beating yourself up.

love and hugs,
Smoke
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Old 03-18-2003, 11:44 AM
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Rose,

You handled yourself VERY well - I would have lost it if I came home and my puppy was missing too!!!! At least he could have made an effort to go out and find him!!!! Sheesh!

(OK, I know that wasn't helpful!!! )

Your husband doesn't hate you. He's sick. You will be ok, no matter what he does. You will be ok whether you decide to stay or go. He on the other hand would fall apart the minute you left!!!! Don't listen to all that quacking!

I know you're in a lot of pain, but remember we're all here for you and support you no matter what!

Hang in there!!!

Hugs,
JG
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Old 03-18-2003, 12:18 PM
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Hi, thanks again for your support. I feel much better this afternoon. And no, I didn't recognise what he said as quacking - that is until you guys straightened me out. I thank you for that.

Smoke, I will remember what you said about going into protective mode - this is when I usually get into trouble - puppies, kids, cats - when I think they are threatened I see RED! LOL And yes, I need to use the Serenity Prayer more often. At my meeting they were taking about saying it through gritted teeth until you can say it calmly.

And no more beating myself up for the rest of the day! I did do well considering the circumstances and what I have done in simular circumstances in the past. Next time will be even better. I am forever grateful...........
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Old 03-18-2003, 01:25 PM
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Rose,

There is that guilt crap again! This is fast becoming my own personal quest! Don't bite! What are you suppose to do rent him a room?? So he can leave you?? Are you laughing yet?? The thing that slays me is that we buy into it. I have done it too so don't think I am waving my skillet. That "oh poor me...you are mean to me" garbage. He has been riding on your coat tails for years. What does he have to be smug about?

Go find that "What have you done for your your A" thread and post. If you already have do it again.

Sometimes detaching, at least in my case, has been known to fuel the flames. It riles them up so much that they get louder and more crazy until they can see a reaction. That is why I often would get in my car and leave for a while. At least you got a walk in looking for your pup.

The Serenity Prayer is a plan...chant it on your way to work and anytime you think of it.

Hugs,
JT
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Old 03-18-2003, 01:28 PM
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I say, "Let's hear it for Rose!!!!" Three cheers:

HIP HIP HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORAY!
HIP HIP HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORAY!
HIP HIP HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORAY!

Hey, did you hear the enthusiasm in my hooooooooooooooooray part, Rose?
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Old 03-18-2003, 03:50 PM
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**{Rose}}

If anyone messed with my Toby, they would have more than warts and pondslime to worry about. .

Repeat this to yourself..."I am Rose and I am a blessed child of God worthy of love and respect!!" and repeat it 100 times until you finally believe it.

You are a terrific lady Rose, and you deserve better. You did great until the poor dog got involved. That would break me down too.

Just keep working on it, and remember to listen for the quacking. It usually starts when their lips move.
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Old 03-18-2003, 04:19 PM
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SOS

Rose dear:
It's the alcohol and stinkin thinkin talking there.......as others say, "Don't buy into it". We all know it's hard, but remember, you're the special one and deserve to be happy. You keep working on yourself sweetie and that "A" isn't going to be attractive to you anymore. You won't have anything in common.
You take your time and make changes on your schedule, not his. Of course it's all your fault.........they are never wrong!!!!! If you would get your act together, he would be fine. Haven't we all heard that? Don't they all think they're so unique?
We're here for ya, keep coming back.

((Hugs))
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Old 03-18-2003, 04:29 PM
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(((Rose)))

Hope things are going better for you. I get mad everytime I read a post where someone's a is threatening to leave them. Why is it that they always start talking that crap if everything doesn't go exactly their way.....grrrr

Is your puppy a german shepherd too? I have 2 shepherds...they're wonderful dogs.

Love & prayers,
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Old 03-18-2003, 07:25 PM
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((((((rose)))))))


Good for you. WE have to celebrate the little victories and you done good, kid

HUGS to you. CELEBRATE

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Old 03-19-2003, 04:56 AM
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Thanks to you all for your support. Last night I had a peaceful evening. I went out for pizza and then to a church meeting. When I got home I went into my bedroom and broke down a bit. I was crying so hard from my heart. After a short while I just stopped. I was finished, the pain was gone and I felt ok and went to sleep. Today is a new day, with new possibilities.

Baffled, the puppy is a mix that we got from the humane society, part chow and part who knows what! He is cute and loveable and has red hair like me! He is quite the devil about scooting outside whenever the door is opened. His name is Icarus, or Icky for short. My German Shepard is the most wonderful dog on the face of the earth. He is smart, sensitive, obediant, and fun loving. He would never run out the door unless you gave him permission. His name is Midas - the golden touch! He is 10 years old and he loves to play with the puppy who is almost 1 year old.

I have decided to make an appointment with a law firm that I know of that specializes in divorce. I attened one of their free seminars last year. This will give me more information should I decide that a change is in order. And of course I will keep working my program here. Thanks again.
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Old 03-19-2003, 07:13 AM
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((((((Rose)))))

Your detachment in this situation astounds me! I am profoundly impressed with the peace you had within you!

What Smoke says about protective mode is right on--I'm a sucker for my kids and my dogs (and any other animal we happen to be harboring at any given moment).

You're doing great, and let that quacking go in one ear and out the other.

Lyn
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