mazey

I have been doing very well, so much better than a few weeks ago. Have sorted thru stuff, read, prayed, cried, felt relief, gained strength, blocked some sad stuff/feelings...really trying to move ahead and for the most part feel pretty good. Now, what I need to know is how do you handle it when you find out they have found another woman to share their time with. Inevitable I know, and have tried to prepare for hearing it. Since I am completely avoiding anywhere he may be (not hard cuz it will be one of prolly 3 or 4 bars!) So how have you others done it when you have still loved him, wanted him to love you and he begins to see someone else.... I absolutely can't believe he will date! He wouldn't want to spend the time, nor energy dating.
I have been doing so well not thinking so much about him. BUT, there is a young friend who said "I'll let you know when he starts seeing someone...." I had told her I really don't want to know. But, she has tried calling twice in the past few days and left no message. Yes, she could be calling about something else, but don't hear from her that often and am just anticipating. Not going to call her back, don't want to hear ANYTHING! She dates a friend of my xa's son, both guys have drug/alcohol problems and she does call for my support w/ her beau.
I just want to know how you have handled this in your life? Or have you just been so done, it didn't really bother you. I'm sure trying and am better than I would have been a couple weeks ago. I was in alot of pain then. I know I can't want him anymore, and really don't. Does anyone understand? I do feel like I am starting to "live" again, be myself again.

prodigal

I'll tell you how I handled it after I got over the initial shock ... I moved on and eventually felt a sense of relief. At least I wasn't my exAH's victim any longer. However, I met the woman he moved in with him - he knew her all of four weeks - and she seemed like a nice lady. He, on the other hand, was still a ****. Yep, I marched right into his house on a Saturday morning (at his request) because he wanted to know if he could have my engagement ring back and the diamond earrings he had given me as a Christmas present some years before. Nice guy, huh? Once again, he needed the money. Once again, I came to the rescue. But this time I didn't care. I didn't want to keep the doggone ring anyway and diamond earrings could always be replaced. I think I eventually lost them ....

I found out he was stepping out five months after we separated. He started saying he wanted to try a "reconciliation." So he started coming over to my apartment on weekends. What he wanted was a body around so he wouldn't be alone for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I was working online on a college project Thanksgiving weekend of 2000 while I was over at his house. I certainly was not looking for anything, but there it was .... his big mug all over every Internet dating site on earth looking for his "soul mate." Talk about being fooled!

He's probably still out there trolling for new victims. I'm sure the nice lady I met who was living with him almost five years ago is gone and has been replaced. At least I hope so - for her sake!

You ex is not "dating" he has attached himself to someone else for the time being so he doesn't have to live with himself. That's about what it boils down to.

mazey

Live with himself....that's so true. He hates to be alone! He's not that good of company!

splendra

((((mazey))))

In my opinion facing the possibility that they will start being with someone else is one of the hardest hurdles to jump.

I am pretty sure it is one of the reasons I still hold on to my H. I know if I can get past that he will probably be gone. You see I have kicked him out before and he did start seeing someone else and I really did not have enough support( I wish I had been here at sober recovery when I kicked him out). I could not handle him calling or seeing him around town with "her" oh, God I wish I knew then what I know now.

I think I choose to allow the hurt in instead of getting really detached about it. Going back with him I think was one of the worst mistakes I have made, nothing has really changed okay...he is presently clean but, he has not really changed at all I can feel the seething rage in him all the time, he is depressed and he refuses to get any kind of help and he has very little support and he really does not seem to likely to stay clean. He wants me to "control" his money and it is such a catch-22. I think the next time he gets paid I want to tell him to just go get his own place.

Don't choose misery if you get this kind of news. Hold your head up and just keep walking out of the hell your H is living. I admire the stuffings out of you for getting him out of your life feel good my dear cause you did yourself a huge favor.

mazey

It IS getting easier, and I can feel myself letting go and there is such joy and relief in it. I know the next hurdle of hearing of him having another will hurt, but I am better to hear it now, than a few weeks ago. I really don't want him like he is, so why should I care???? the loss of what I had hoped for and kept holding onto that will never be....and whomever it is will have the same person I had for all those years, not the one I had hoped for in him that showed up once in awhile and longed for every day. I guess that is what I fear, that he will be that person with someone else....NOT likely! Right?

Cynay

No sweetie..... Not likely.

Ok... now take the focus off that and put it on you so you can grow and when your ready you will not attract someone like that.... You will find a whole new amazing mass of friends and one of them will probably be special to you......

But we have to get the work done first.... So get on it.... Life is a wasten away.

lilac

no, not likely. He has found himself another "victim" .........I know it hurts, but be glad that you aren't on that roller coaster ........ you deserve so much better....

denny57

Right! My AH is/was involved with someone else and when I saw him the other day I felt sorry for her if she's still in the picture. You'll be ok. ((()))

mazey

Okay, Cynay! I know, I know, but it was just a little slip back. But, good kick in the .... for me. It's impossible to not have a little thought from time to time.
And, I was looking for something in a closet today and found our wedding pics....but, it wasn't too bad! Kinda looked at him differently today. Going to put the pics in the attic under a bunch of other stuff! Won't see them again for a long time, never go there! So, I grin, I'll be that much better by then! Right? Thanks ALL, for the words of comfort and wisdom. Sometimes, just a lil' hug feels good from ya, and moves me ahead.

mallowcup

She is a prop.

Cynay

Not to say I dont have the same hon.... I store his letters, songs, cards in a shoe box..... I have been known to pull them out and let myself hurt.

Im miss him too so very much that at times I lay in bed and just cry cuz there is nothing else I can do.... so I do know how your feel.....

But we cant stay there hon.... there is no growth and if we allow ourselves to stay it only becomes harder....

*hugs to you*

mallowcup

When we consider leaving we consider him going on with someone new and it prevents us from leaving. We don't have enough strength to face that part of it, the worst part in our mind. Once he knowingly and willing hooks up with another woman, we know we'll never go back, we face the offense and heartbreak of it. I remember exhausting myself on my ex, he gave nothing back emotionally or physically. Some bar fly who made no efffort, got to hear him laugh, he spent his manners on her, he seemed preoccupied with givng her physical attention. Even though she has been sitting on the same bar stool, going home with the last man standing every Saturday night, he can't wait to be Next. She requires no effort. The first woman my ex started dating was the girl who lived next door. She was half his age. She was tall and blonde. She was fresh and perky, I had become withered and dead inside. Nothing ever hurt or humiliate me so much. That was a very long time ago. He went his way and I went mine. Now that he is 54, after all those years of drinking he and his women look like characactures. Half their teeth missing, bloated, no drivers licenses, outdated clothes and hairdos. The live in crap apartments and can't hold a job. Alcohol turns all young things old. It may hurt now but your story still has many chapters.

mazey

Oh, that made me grin. I hope she is toothless now! hee hee! It is okay. I just know it's going to be another pain he gives me, and it is expected. Just preparing, cuz he can't be alone and I know I need a comeback when people start telling me. I think I have one, nothing! We live in a small community, so it is inevitable...just building up for it, cuz I know it will grab me for a moment! I've always been the one to prepare for it, 'ducks in a row'. Somehow it is self protection. Troubleshooting, if you will.
Cynay, you always sound so strong, it's nice to know you have those same moments of melancholy.
Mallow, prop is about the way she'll be....hope she won't care!

embraced2000

hi mazey
started to post earlier, but having one of those days myself....kinda wallerin in it all.

my ex was never a womanizer, still isn't. at least with the human kind of woman. but, damn, the alcoholic affair he is having with his alcoholism is stronger, sweeter, more seductive, alluring, than any affair he could have with a human woman.

i hate it........his mistress whispers to him.....come to me baby, it will all be ok, kjust come to me, it will be just you and me, no one else will matter darlin, and we will do what we want, just don't think about "them", they don't matter, don't care like i do about you, they can't give you what i can...just come on to me, choose me babe.....

i have diabetes. i have a disease too. everyday, there a dozens of choices to make about my disease. it isnt hard at all for me to make the healthy choices for my disease. either i take care of it, or it kills me.

it isn't hard at all to do the right thing for my disease. why is it so &*^%$#@!!!?>*&^%$#$%% hard for the alcoholic????????????????????????????????????????? ?????????????????????????????????????????????????? ?????????????????????????????????????????????????? ????????????????????????????????????????????????

damn, it pisses me off. feel like my heart is draggin the floor today.

god bless
jeri

mallowcup

As you anticipate the hurt a new woman will cause(just like I did), Wait until you see ow he acts once he thinks he's got a new person to suck the life out of. She'll feel sorry for him because YOU threw him out.