Qualities of a Good Codependent
Acting not reacting
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Join Date: Jun 2004
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Qualities of a Good Codependent
QUALITIES OF A "GOOD CODEPENDENT"
1
High-level organization ability.1
2
Competence at a wide variety of tasks and the ability to learn additional ones quickly.3
Stability and resistance to panic.4
Skill at diplomacy and emotional manipulation.5
Resilience with a high tolerance to pain.6
High energy, with good resistance to fatigue.7
Good administrative skills.8
The ability to defer gratification indefinitely.9
Crisis intervention skills.10
Strong sense of morality and of right wrong.11
Loyalty and a willingness to put the needs of others before his/her own.12
Capacity to never ask "What's in this for me?"13
The ability to do enormous amounts of work for a minimal payoff.14
High level of nurturing and caretaking skills.15
Tendency toward over-achievement, leading to the ability to work consistently at 120 percent of capacity.16
Gives low priority to emotional needs and feelings.17
Has one or more of the following: Migraine headaches, obesity, depression, and obsessive-compulsive behaviors.18
Has low self-esteem with a very dependent personality. It is not likely that a person with high self-esteem would put up with a fraction of what a codependent routinely tolerates.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: nor cal
Posts: 113
So are their "good codependants and "bad codependants" LOL
The first ten things are not really bad qualities to have......
It seems like the list is a mix of good and not healthy.
The key is finding the balance Hmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Just might need another cup of coffee to ponder this one.
The first ten things are not really bad qualities to have......
It seems like the list is a mix of good and not healthy.
The key is finding the balance Hmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Just might need another cup of coffee to ponder this one.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
I agree, mfisher, these traits are not negatives, but it does give insight into how someone dependent would look for another someone with these traits to prop them up. Not many of these traits would apply to AH, though he had plenty of good ones, too.
I think it comes down to the "others." I employ a lot of these traits in my life with many people who never use them to their own advantage. Those that did have been slowly eliminated from my life, usually just fading away as I realize which relationships are not healthy.
Good post.
I think it comes down to the "others." I employ a lot of these traits in my life with many people who never use them to their own advantage. Those that did have been slowly eliminated from my life, usually just fading away as I realize which relationships are not healthy.
Good post.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: nor cal
Posts: 113
See now this is why I keep coming here.
I have recently let go of some relationships/friendships in my life and really could not figure out why..........but I see now how they abused these qualities about me, not to the extent of my ex AH, but they did and not until I started to become healthy did it bother me.
I guess when your in the realm of being a "sick codependant" you can't help but be a magnet to these type of people.
I have recently let go of some relationships/friendships in my life and really could not figure out why..........but I see now how they abused these qualities about me, not to the extent of my ex AH, but they did and not until I started to become healthy did it bother me.
I guess when your in the realm of being a "sick codependant" you can't help but be a magnet to these type of people.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by mfisher
I guess when your in the realm of being a "sick codependant" you can't help but be a magnet to these type of people.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: nor cal
Posts: 113
I think I will always be a magnet too.
I do feel my self esteem had alot to do with. I always felt like an "under dog" in these relationships.
I felt I needed to accomodate and work hard to "measure up". Now that I am in a healthier place and my life isn't so chaotic, I feel equal and they are really not accepting that.
I guess this recovery thing goes across the board, not only dealing with the A's in our lives.
I do feel my self esteem had alot to do with. I always felt like an "under dog" in these relationships.
I felt I needed to accomodate and work hard to "measure up". Now that I am in a healthier place and my life isn't so chaotic, I feel equal and they are really not accepting that.
I guess this recovery thing goes across the board, not only dealing with the A's in our lives.
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
I've got most of those traits. I find that for me it's not the traits that make me a "codie". It's how I _use_ those traits that makes them a virtue or a defect.
I have the trait of compassion. When I use that trait to volunteer to help a friend who is fighting cancer it's called "kindness". When I use that exact same trait to try and control my ex-wifes addiction it's called "enabling".
What i have learned as a result of doing the steps in al-anon is that the difference between me being active in my "disease of codie-ism" and me being healthy in a constructive life is all in my motives. When I take the time to examine my motives, check my perceptions against those of my friends and sponsor, then I am able to apply my traits in a manner that is healthy and positive for everybody.
Healthy people attract healthy people. The more I improve myself thru al-anon the less I attract un-healthy people, and the faster I recognize them and avoid them. Just like my motives determine the value of my actions, my motives also determine how I value the actions of other people.
If I in my "enabling mode" then I attract people who want to be enabled, and I find them acceptable because their behavior "fits" with mine. When I am not in "enabling mode" I don't have what they want, so they don't stick around, and since they don't have what I want I'm glad they're gone
Mike
I have the trait of compassion. When I use that trait to volunteer to help a friend who is fighting cancer it's called "kindness". When I use that exact same trait to try and control my ex-wifes addiction it's called "enabling".
What i have learned as a result of doing the steps in al-anon is that the difference between me being active in my "disease of codie-ism" and me being healthy in a constructive life is all in my motives. When I take the time to examine my motives, check my perceptions against those of my friends and sponsor, then I am able to apply my traits in a manner that is healthy and positive for everybody.
Healthy people attract healthy people. The more I improve myself thru al-anon the less I attract un-healthy people, and the faster I recognize them and avoid them. Just like my motives determine the value of my actions, my motives also determine how I value the actions of other people.
If I in my "enabling mode" then I attract people who want to be enabled, and I find them acceptable because their behavior "fits" with mine. When I am not in "enabling mode" I don't have what they want, so they don't stick around, and since they don't have what I want I'm glad they're gone
Mike
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Well, crap! I posess most of those qualities, even obesity and obsessive compulsive behavior. I've always believed that my low self-esteem stemmed from my weight problem. It's hard to love yourself when you can't stand to look in the mirror.
With the exception of a few items, I think most of the qualities are fine ones to possess.
With the exception of a few items, I think most of the qualities are fine ones to possess.
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