Alcoholism better than this
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: bangor maine
Posts: 44
Alcoholism better than this
Suddening my husbands alcoholism seems insignifant compared to the fear that he may now becoming mentally unstable, perhaps psychotic. He has been threatening me but says he is kidding. I'm being told by professionals and friends that I may be in danger. My codependent ways have not changed a whole lot I'm afraid, and are still clouding my judgement when it comes to making decisions about my wellbeing. I'm in denial that this is really happening. I have confronted him and he says he will never hurt me and that he wont go for counseling. He has been sober for two months. Is this a dry drunk? It makes me so confused to think that I am reasoning that he has to hurt me before I will be "convinced" to do something drastic about it, like getting a protection order. I know this is as crazy as his behavior, and I'm gambling with my life. What is wrong with me!!
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Bronx, NY
Posts: 412
Is he working a program of some sort at all? If not and he hasn't been drinking, then I would say that yes, he's still not dealing with all the **** inside him- and it will find other ways to wreak havoc on him and those around him.
He shouldn't be threatening you, "kidding" or not. Have you told him straight out that those comments bother you? Perhaps start by implementing some sort of a boundary related to him making those sorts of statements.
I remember my bf said something I found troubling once, I just didn't like it, but it wasn't directed AT me, it was just a general comment in a conversation that lent itself down a road where I got mroe info than I probably really wanted... But I told him that it made me uncomfortable and he was really careful about the way he spoke from then on- AND I never had any real fear that he would ever harm me. But you seem unsure on that point with your husband, and that's a serious concern.
A restraining order might not be necessary at this point, but I agree that waiting to see if something ever does happen probably isn't the wisest approach.
He shouldn't be threatening you, "kidding" or not. Have you told him straight out that those comments bother you? Perhaps start by implementing some sort of a boundary related to him making those sorts of statements.
I remember my bf said something I found troubling once, I just didn't like it, but it wasn't directed AT me, it was just a general comment in a conversation that lent itself down a road where I got mroe info than I probably really wanted... But I told him that it made me uncomfortable and he was really careful about the way he spoke from then on- AND I never had any real fear that he would ever harm me. But you seem unsure on that point with your husband, and that's a serious concern.
A restraining order might not be necessary at this point, but I agree that waiting to see if something ever does happen probably isn't the wisest approach.
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: bangor maine
Posts: 44
I have told him he is frightening me, and that what he says is no joke in anyone's book, like threatening to poison me once. He is not working any type of program. I go from being very afraid after an incident, to thinking that I am blowing things out of proportion when days go by and he is fine with me.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Bronx, NY
Posts: 412
(hugs)
I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I would definitely say not to let a few good days at a time blindside you... You've told him that he's frightening you and I assume you've asked him to stop making those comments; he continues to do so anyway. Perhaps you should consider if that disrespect in itself is something you can accept in the relationship? His resistance to counseling is another issue. Perhaps you can create a boundary for yourself, with consequences you think you can follow up with if he breaks them, relating to his threatening comments and his participation in counseling.
I won't say anymore because others will be along soon and I think this is a situation that is serious and that needs input from people wiser and much more experienced than I am! But I hope you find some clarity on how to proceed... Best wishes to you.
I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I would definitely say not to let a few good days at a time blindside you... You've told him that he's frightening you and I assume you've asked him to stop making those comments; he continues to do so anyway. Perhaps you should consider if that disrespect in itself is something you can accept in the relationship? His resistance to counseling is another issue. Perhaps you can create a boundary for yourself, with consequences you think you can follow up with if he breaks them, relating to his threatening comments and his participation in counseling.
I won't say anymore because others will be along soon and I think this is a situation that is serious and that needs input from people wiser and much more experienced than I am! But I hope you find some clarity on how to proceed... Best wishes to you.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
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If you believe he is becoming mentally unstable and possibly psychotic then you have a reasonable expectation that he may follow through on his threats. There is nothing funny about what he is saying. If he's threatening you one day, and being "Mr. Nice Guy" the next, he is unreliable to say the least. He is pulling a dry drunk. The issues and problems he had while drinking are still there. I don't know if he ever threatened you when he was drunk, but he's doing it now, isn't he? Never take a threat lightly. This goes beyond mere codependency. This is YOU putting yourself in harm's way.
This guy could be threatening you in order to manipulate you using the fear tactic. Regardless, he may decide to make good on his threats one of these days.
I agree with Denny. You can choose to live as a massive codie (and seek help) or you can end up as a dead codie.
This guy could be threatening you in order to manipulate you using the fear tactic. Regardless, he may decide to make good on his threats one of these days.
I agree with Denny. You can choose to live as a massive codie (and seek help) or you can end up as a dead codie.
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Wow tough one....
It reminds me of the age old question.... Is my .... an Alcoholic or not.
For me it does not matter if they are alcoholic or not.... if its a problem to me then its a problem period. If I ask for the behavior to stop and it continues then it becomes a bigger problem for ME and I have to decide what I want, what my boundries are and follow through with them. For me someone threatening to poision me is a HUGE problem.... Does not matter to me if he is kidding or not. If I asked him to stop and the behavior continued... that would be even a BIGGER HUGE problem and I think I would set some pretty large boundries so that I felt safe. I should not have to live in fear and doubting myself... and my partner should respect me enough that if Im feeling unsafe or fearful they would change the behavior, since he does not respect me enough then I must respect myself enough.
I cant tell you how to handle this.... but I might point out that even if you dont trust yourself, you have sought out the opinion of trusted friends and sounds like a professional ... and all of you come to the same thing?????? Might want to think about that.
It reminds me of the age old question.... Is my .... an Alcoholic or not.
For me it does not matter if they are alcoholic or not.... if its a problem to me then its a problem period. If I ask for the behavior to stop and it continues then it becomes a bigger problem for ME and I have to decide what I want, what my boundries are and follow through with them. For me someone threatening to poision me is a HUGE problem.... Does not matter to me if he is kidding or not. If I asked him to stop and the behavior continued... that would be even a BIGGER HUGE problem and I think I would set some pretty large boundries so that I felt safe. I should not have to live in fear and doubting myself... and my partner should respect me enough that if Im feeling unsafe or fearful they would change the behavior, since he does not respect me enough then I must respect myself enough.
I cant tell you how to handle this.... but I might point out that even if you dont trust yourself, you have sought out the opinion of trusted friends and sounds like a professional ... and all of you come to the same thing?????? Might want to think about that.
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