alcoholics who need alanon too?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Chesterfiled, VA
Posts: 12
alcoholics who need alanon too?
Hi
I've been here off and on, both lurking and posting.... My A, after a series of binges with bad consequences, finally started participating in AA. She picked up her 30 day chip this weekend. I don't think it's been easy but she did it, and I'm trying to say and do all the right things (or not say things, as the case may be) and hope that it continues. I'm happy for her, and I want her to achieve her goals.
I see one huge obstacle to her success in the program- maybe I'm wrong I don't know- but I don't seem to be handling it very well.
Her family are almost all active alcoholics, and live close to us. She is very close to one sister, who has already had a couple DUIs, and is pretty badly out of control. The sister is really headed for a bad place if she doesn't do something soon.
The problem: sister is lonely and unhappy, and tries to drag my A down. She doesn't see it. My A gets on a good routine with meetings she likes, etc, then the sister inevitably calls, and wants to come along to meetings, which means I have to pick her up because neither of them can drive. 4 out of the last 5 times Sis was either drunk or hungover. Or she wants my A to come talk with her, help her around the house, etc, and all she has to do is call and my A is there. I feel like the sister is not being honest about any kind of recovery and she's interfering in my A's recovery.
This makes me angry, which in turn makes my A defensive and angry. She thinks I "hate" her family, and that I'm judgemental and unsympathetic.
Maybe I am. Is it selfish for me to wish her sister would just leave her alone and let her work her program, instead of dragging her down into all of her problems? Should I just mind my own business?
I am worried too, because I think that my A is enabling her sister. She's making it perfectly ok for her to indulge in whatever behavior she wants, then, come socialize with her sister and attend meetings with no consequences, and only "support" from my A, for the sister, who she sees as a 'poor desperate alcoholic' in need of help.
What she's doing is not helping. And her sister is playing her for all she's worth. And oif she doesn't stop doing it, I'm afraid something bad really is going to happen to her sister. It makes me crazy. I can't keep my mouth shut and I always end up being the bad guy. Help!
I've been here off and on, both lurking and posting.... My A, after a series of binges with bad consequences, finally started participating in AA. She picked up her 30 day chip this weekend. I don't think it's been easy but she did it, and I'm trying to say and do all the right things (or not say things, as the case may be) and hope that it continues. I'm happy for her, and I want her to achieve her goals.
I see one huge obstacle to her success in the program- maybe I'm wrong I don't know- but I don't seem to be handling it very well.
Her family are almost all active alcoholics, and live close to us. She is very close to one sister, who has already had a couple DUIs, and is pretty badly out of control. The sister is really headed for a bad place if she doesn't do something soon.
The problem: sister is lonely and unhappy, and tries to drag my A down. She doesn't see it. My A gets on a good routine with meetings she likes, etc, then the sister inevitably calls, and wants to come along to meetings, which means I have to pick her up because neither of them can drive. 4 out of the last 5 times Sis was either drunk or hungover. Or she wants my A to come talk with her, help her around the house, etc, and all she has to do is call and my A is there. I feel like the sister is not being honest about any kind of recovery and she's interfering in my A's recovery.
This makes me angry, which in turn makes my A defensive and angry. She thinks I "hate" her family, and that I'm judgemental and unsympathetic.
Maybe I am. Is it selfish for me to wish her sister would just leave her alone and let her work her program, instead of dragging her down into all of her problems? Should I just mind my own business?
I am worried too, because I think that my A is enabling her sister. She's making it perfectly ok for her to indulge in whatever behavior she wants, then, come socialize with her sister and attend meetings with no consequences, and only "support" from my A, for the sister, who she sees as a 'poor desperate alcoholic' in need of help.
What she's doing is not helping. And her sister is playing her for all she's worth. And oif she doesn't stop doing it, I'm afraid something bad really is going to happen to her sister. It makes me crazy. I can't keep my mouth shut and I always end up being the bad guy. Help!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Bronx, NY
Posts: 412
Should I just mind my own business?
: And I feel terrible saying that to you because I am the self-anointed Queen of Monitoring Another's Recovery. I am still learning how to not do this, how to not monitor, rescue, enable, "help," give advice. It's the hardest thing in the world. But I think it's the only way not to drive yourself nuts.Your A has to decide for herself what she needs to do in terms of handling her sister. You can't (as I did) tell anyone else what they should do, who they should hang out with, what choices they should make, even when their recovery is at stake. She'll probably resent you in time, as my bf came to do. For "pressuring" him, for "not trusting" him, for making him take away time he wanted to spend with me to go to meetings. I made him go to meetings, call his sponsor daily-- hell, sometimes I told him what to talk about in meetings! I was out of control crazy, and was just trying to help.
Hard as it is, we can't do the work for them. God knows I tried! I think if your A sees her sister as a hindrance to her own recovery, SHE needs to be the one to recognize that and maintain her sobriety as her #1 priority. It just has to come from her.
Put all the energy you're spending worrying about these other people into worrying about ways that YOU can take care of yourself in dealing with the current situation.
Hope I didn't sound mean or preachy. These are just some things I've been trying to do too.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Im glad your posting now....
I have to agree..... It is none of your business and its going to drive you insane trying to "monitor" her recovery. Not to mention that it gives your spouse no confedence or respect to imply she does not know what is right for herself.
On the other hand you dont "have" to drive them or pick her up. I know that many in AA will gladly give people rides to the meetings as part of service. You could set that as a boundry..... Rembering that Boundries are set your YOU, and to keep you sane. I would also sugges Al-anon only because it works for me.... The other thing that helped me alot when I had anger and resentment with my A was to attend some open AA meetings.... certainly gave me the compassion I needed to cool off those angery embers.
I have to agree..... It is none of your business and its going to drive you insane trying to "monitor" her recovery. Not to mention that it gives your spouse no confedence or respect to imply she does not know what is right for herself.
On the other hand you dont "have" to drive them or pick her up. I know that many in AA will gladly give people rides to the meetings as part of service. You could set that as a boundry..... Rembering that Boundries are set your YOU, and to keep you sane. I would also sugges Al-anon only because it works for me.... The other thing that helped me alot when I had anger and resentment with my A was to attend some open AA meetings.... certainly gave me the compassion I needed to cool off those angery embers.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Chesterfiled, VA
Posts: 12
Oh you don't sound mean or preachy at all... I know it's what I need to hear. It's just so frustrating, because part of the reason my A took so long to get serious about her recovery was the influence of this sister, who felt better if she had someone else to drink with, and now here she is, getting in the middle of my A's recovery, when I know she has no intention of getting sober herself.
Really though, I will seriously check myself and do my best to not interfere in any way. I'd rather have her just leave me than end up resenting me, and frankly dealing with her family and all the worrying is exhausting me.
I needed to hear that, thanks.
Really though, I will seriously check myself and do my best to not interfere in any way. I'd rather have her just leave me than end up resenting me, and frankly dealing with her family and all the worrying is exhausting me.
I needed to hear that, thanks.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Sweetie your giving the Sister WAY too much power. So she wants a drinking partner.... you know what. NOBODY can make your spouse drink, just like nobody could make your spouse stop. This is her choice..... if you think that if she does not hang with the sister will prevent a relaps you really mistaken.
You have to let go of her recovery and just keep the focus on you hon.
You have to let go of her recovery and just keep the focus on you hon.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Chesterfiled, VA
Posts: 12
Ah, I know you are so right. Believe me I do. And the sister does have a huge amount of power- they are identical twins, and the sister is the dominant twin, big time. It's hard for me to let it go... so much bad history there. But I absolutely positively know you are right. Nothing I ever did worked before, nor will it work now, so staying out of it will be a refreshing change for me 
Thanks.
Thanks.
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