Ghost Dog

I'm a 22 yr old male alcoholic & adult child of two alcoholics. I've been in "recovery" in AA for a little over five months or so. I work the 12 steps with my sponsor & sponsee, have a home group, service committment, try to co-chair meetings/H&I et al. I still feel terrible most of the time. I'm irritable/restless/discontented on good days. I'm overloaded with anxiety, irrational fears, rage, depression or huge mood swings, insomnia and/or nightmares/sleep paralysis, an the occasional feelings of depersonalization on bad days. At that, I'm incessantly plagued with obsessive, rolling thoughts that can race at times, and are usually in the range of negative and self-defeating (how crazy I must be, what a worthless human being I am, how all of this is for naught and things absolutely will never ever get better and can only get worse from here, and above all, how horrible my genes are and how I must be doomed to an alcoholic or otherwise miserable death just as the rest of my family has, and that I'm the last of a strain of a defective bloodline that life itself is now actively trying to rid itself of, and that schizophrenic homeless people are living proof of the nonexistence of God and that we do indeed all die cold and alone in this absurd, empty, meaningless universe). Delusional? I don't doubt it, but I still can't help but entertain such morbid self-depictions and manifestations of existential dread, especially when I, insane as it sounds, get a sort of satisfaction out of slaughtering myself constantly.

The funny thing about it all is that I should qualify as outright mentally ill, yet I manage to perform well at work and get along well with others (I'm quite the stitch up at the podium at big meetings, in fact, hah hah hah!), and no one ever seems to notice how much I suffer internally, day-to-day, which leads me to wonder if I'm really just hypersensitive/neurotic more than anything. I've come clean with my feelings to people I'm "closer" to in this program on an occasion or two. They usually respond puzzled or bemused, with the usual "well you don't seem all that messed up to me! Look at (insert common first name here), now HE'S got problems! You should be grateful, you're just exaggerating" or "I know exactly what you're going through", et al. Yeah, B.S you do. Shut up.

Let me tell you what I despise about AA sometimes. It's not the program, it's me, but I despise it nonetheless. I hate all these good-looking, financially stable alcoholics who describe their parents as caring and loving. "All I ever wanted to be was a good child to my parents" crap. Well lah-dee-dah! I want that. I wanted that. No, my father blasted my mother in the leg with a shotgun from across the living room when I was not even three years old. I saw it all; I was thrown in with a frightening foster family; my parents reunited; I was off to the races again with these psychopaths; I spent nights with my grandparents while mom was somewhere pounding meth while dad was drunk as hell pounding on the front door trying to get to me; they got back together again and all was well; now I'm 10 and now my mom's threatening suicide and driving off out in the woods with the pistol and my dad's following her but not before grabbing the rifle and telling me "you're the reason she's doing this! If she kills yourself I'm gonna kill you!..."; ad infinitum. Oh hey, it's the big AA meeting on Father's Day! The speaker's talking about how we should call our parents and tell them how grateful we are for them. Well, my dad died drunk six years ago, and I hated him as he was lowered underground, and that hatred has done nothing but fuel my own alcoholism, my own contempt for mankind, my own inability to commit to relationships in any form whatsoever, and eventually, will be the death of me unless a miracle happens and these steps start working. So, kiss my ass you blessed drunk, as the only thing I can do when I think of dad is to dig his skeletal remains up, take a gallon of gasoline and give him the heathen Pagan funeral he deserves.

My mom still drinks and acts like it was never any big deal, as if my childhood was awesome because I was fed and had a roof; that I shouldn't complain because some kids are starved to death by their sociopathic parents.

/....This is my dilemma. I've been in recovery for five months and yet, I'm fueled with hatred. I hate my dad for what he did to me and my mother. I love yet hate my mother for allowing it all to happen, and furthermore acting nonchalant about it in the present. Given, there's nothing that can be done, as it's in the past, and there's nothing I can do, or anyone else can do, to change it, but alas, I can't let it go. I don't have it in me to pull something like that off. I will admit that I feel as though I've been unfairly given a bad hand in life, and that I had no control over it which makes it feel just that much worse, as though unspeakable wrongs were done unto me that I didn't bring upon myself or had no part in whatsoever. I hate it, and I'm bewildered that some kids literally luck out with functional parents and I lose the genetic lottery and end up alcoholic, ACA and mentally and physically low-end. Why me is all I can obsess about anymore, and as much as that sickens me, as much as I want to let that go, to "give it to God", I can't seem to find the ability to pull it off. How does anyone manage this? I find myself a weakling for being unable to stop self-pitying, folks. It rouses incredible contempt and jealosy toward literally everyone I perceive as doing better than me, and I just want to slash their throats, to murder them, to torture and kill those bullies in jr. high/high school, to slaughter everyone who ever contributed to this worthless mess that's me, to light the world ablaze and laugh like a madman at everyone's demise. I'm sick and crazy, and I'm aware of it, and virtually every move at crying out is just another lame attempt at attention. I don't know who I am; my true identity is constantly giving me the slip, most of my self-worth is fantasy-based and I spend the better part of my young life feeling invisible and despising the feeling, or conversely, wishing I was invisible when anyone notices.

There's gotta be a way out of this. This is why I'm posting here. There's so many things I can't relate to the average alcoholic in this program. The BB doesn't entirely speak my language; half of the men I talk to in AA speak of external problems as their biggest woes, whereas that's always the least of my troubles.. I'm just very tired and wish I could let it all go. Help.

Minx1969

Hey there Ghost Dog,

Big hug...

I'm sure others will be around in a bit...

Breathe..one day at a time...

I'm not sure what to say to you, but for me..I'm working the steps in Alanon and my life has gotten alot better...

I've been able to forgive my father (working on forgiving my mother) but it has taken me so time...

((((ghostdog)))))

Phinneas

Hi, Ghost Dog. I am glad you are here and glad you are sober today.

In the BB it encourages us to get outside help when we need it and I am an advocate of that. There are lots of things we can do including talking to a good therapist or attending ACOA.

I just want you to know that you CAN get through your anger, grief and resentments, but it may take some time. Please be patient with yourself and keep going to meetings and working those steps. This is a lifetime deal, there is no need to rush.

Sending you prayers and support.

DesertEyes

Hey there Ghost Dog, and welcome to our corner of recovery,

Congratulations on your 5 months of sobriety, well done.

There is a way out of what you describe. It's called "Problems other than alcohol" and you can find information on that in and out of AA. I had my own set of problems other than alcohol, also originating in an abusive childhood. The details of my life as a child are different than yours, but the resulting effects were similar. I also had that deep rage at my parents, and that unshakable feeling that I was worthless and _internally_ different than everybody else.

I have succesfuly overcome all that rage you describe, and now have a life that is happy, joyous and free as is described in the "promises" of the Big Book. Here's what I did, see if any of this is useful to you.

- I used the program and fellowship of AA to help me stop drinking, and stay sober. That is what AA is designed for, and what it does very well. I did _not_ try to use AA for other problems which it is _not_ designed for. I did not expect members of AA to understand anything about me other than my struggle to remain free of mood altering chemicals. When I felt the obsession to "self-medicate" I shared in AA meets and used what I learned from other folks there in my own life. Without a brain free of chemicals I could not make progress in any other area of my life.

- I shopped around and found a good therapist experienced in Adult Children of Alcoholics. With that person I shared my issues towards my parents, such as my rage and feelings of inadequacy. I also attended therapy groups managed by that shrink. I read the books recommended by the shrink, did the excercises and shared with the other people in the group. I found it a very different experience than AA, yet very helpful in dealing with my emotional issues.

- I focused on the _emotions_ that people shared at AA and in therapy. I accepted that nobody in the world would have the same history as I did. But I learned that many people had the same _emotions_ as I did. Many folks in both AA and therapy had the same feelings of worthlesness that I did, even though they did not have the same _history_ as I did. I learned to listen to the _feelings_ people shared, and to take their experience in overcoming those feelings for my own use.

- I learned that it was not the abuse I survived as a child that caused me harm in the present. It was the _emotions_ I felt about that abuse that caused me to act in ways that were unhealthy and self-sabotaging. Therefore my solution was not in finding people who had a history like mine. My solution was in finding people who had overcome _emotions_ like mine, and learning from them what specific actions they took to deal with those emotions.

What I discovered is that by focusing on _both_ AA for my addiction issues and therapy for my childhood issues I was able to quickly make progress on _both_ problems.

Whadya think?

Mike

kennethhoff

Hey ther GD-

I used to be depressing by thinking depressing thoughts. And then I heard a trite little CD by Wyane Dyer which talked about a wise teacher who said many things, one of which was: "Imagine what it would be like to not have that thought".
I know it sounds tritie, but when you think about it, we all do have free will to chose our thoughts. Good, bad, anger, sad, fear, love, hate, etc....., it is all OUR thoughts. We choose it even when we think it is coming from someone or somewhere else. What if in the moment of an angry thought, you had a thought of peace? You would go from feeling angry to peaceful. Sounds simple, but hard to do. But was playing the violin for Itzhak Perlman until he did one thing: PRACTICE!
You have all the power you want right inside of you. It's at your disposal anytime you wish. Change your mind, change your life! Not easy, unless you practice.
And I can tell you from my experience, when you practice, it slowly does make perfect. And you shall soon discover that you are sooooo much greater than you think.
Earlier this year i started Alanon. It was only then after all my years of intellectually knwoing what was wrong, that I practiced with a sincere heart to change, and I was finally able to say: "From now on, I take full repsonsibility of my own thoughts, words and actions. And from that day forward, I had no one else to blame. No one else to look for or at for my peace. It comes from within. Still your mind, look within, and know you are God (or whatever higher power you choose).
Every great tecaher from Buddha, Jesus, Allah, Moses, you name it, they all said "look within".
I or anyone else can't do it for you. You walk that path alone with your own higher power. But if you dare to be who you know inside you were always meant to be, you shall find the perfect Ghost Dog that always existed. Become humble, ask for help, make it the most important thing in your life, and the path for you shall open up. Don't dream it, BE it!
- Ken

GingerM

Welcome Ghost Dog.

Mike and Ken are wise. *vigorous nodding*

I do think you would benefit highly from outside help, particularly a therapist who deals with ACoA issues. I too had (and occassionally still have) anger issues at my parents, although it's getting more and more rare. I'm seeing a cognitive behavioral therapist who has helped me tremendously in reframing my world so those negative thoughts of being worthless or not good enough or a loser or or or or...don't make it impossible for me to have peace in my life.

Like you, I'd learned to cover it up, no one knew, everyone thought I was fine - they didn't even know about all the suicide attempts. You say you are 22. I am almost 40. It took me many years to seek GOOD outside help (I'd been in and out of therapy since I was 19). It was less than 2 years ago that I finally found a therapist who understood ACoA issues and could help me with them.

When I read your story, I can't help but think "I hope he manages to find a good therapist soon, and not as late in life as I did". I often wish I could get those other years back.

I'm not as far along my path as Mike is, but I'm definitely getting there. I wish you internal peace and calm, if only for today. The more you can feel it, the more you *will* feel it.

I also find that at really bad times, it often helps me to go outside and look up the sky for 10 minutes or so. I think it helps to ground me in the greater whole and pull my head out of, well, my head.

I hope you continue to stay here. There are lots of people here who truly can relate to feeling 'different inside' and to the damage and to all those old tapes that run through our heads telling us how horrible we are. You are not horrible. You are not what your parents said you were. Your parents were taking their own internal insecurities and displacing them onto you.

We care and we've been there, in some form or another.

Grasshopper

Hi Ghost Dog,i appreate you telling it exactly like you are thinking and feeling it all.Its good to get it out.Truthfully with the way you see and think.
I can relate when you said,when others come up and say i know exactly what youre going through.When others said this to me,,in,my, early recovery,i wanted to puke.How do they know?Do they have my thinking,my feelings,were they there,or do they have their own?grrrr.But hey listening to them,yea i realized that yes they can and do relate.Not exactly the same,situation,but,with,similar,feelings and thoughts about situations..Im hearing how they got through it all.Learning to forgive others.The past happened.It cant be changed.I can make choices to let go,and let God work into my life.He has the power that i need to give me the power to actually forgive another.hmmmm.Got me thinking.And got me to moving in recovery.
We humans try our best to help folks.But no one can cure another soul,thats hurting.God could and will if He be sought.
My prayers are with you.You can recover.Believe it,and have hope in this.

TheGirlInside

Ghost Dog,

You've been replied to by some of the best on this board...read what they have said...they are wise, because they've been through it...again, not the same experience, but the same self-destructive thoughts, and emotions following.

I'll add my 2 cents, what has worked for me.

Getting in touch with nature (*or whatever you have a passion for*)...like, taking off my shoes and walking in the grass, lifting my face to the sun, breathing in the fresh air, lying on my back at night and watching the stars.

Remembering (from an Anthropology class) someone's theory that, "A culture is defined by the language it uses." To me, that meant that if I change the way I talk and think about myself and others around me ("I Hate Myself, I would change to "I Hate Feeling Like This", for example)...even if I didn't really, truly, deep down in my heart believe it at the time. Over time, and with *practice,* eventually, I started believing good about myself, and dismissing sick evil thoughts.

Realizing that the voices in my head that were telling me how rotten and worthless I was (almost word-for-word what you posted about your self-speak) were the SICK, DISEASED voices...they were challenging me...LOUDLY, with SHOUTING, over and over again the same phrase...and that the Good Voice (my True Voice) whispered...so I could barely hear it.
That sole voice didn't offer me trite phrases like, "It's all gonna get better real soon." It instead reminded me of what I'd accomplished in the past (even if it was only that I managed to clean the floors in the house that day, or remembered to pick up my daughters from school on time), and that I can do this Life Thing.

Something an AA buddy told me: Going to AA is like going to the grocery store...you take what you need and leave the rest. Not everybody's situation or every topic is going to be something that will be relatable to you...only accept those things which feel right to who you are.
Another of my AA buddies really annoys me, because he seems to keep insisting that I'm living in the past, and that I need to focus on the here-and-now. I've tried explaining to him the value I found in going back and re-writing the lies and deceptions of my past and re-writing those with the truth of what really was...at this point, I've agreed to disagree with him on this point. He's one of those "raised in a happy, loving, family," to which I think "Good for you...I'm happy for you that you didn't have to go through what I did," and also, "Consider yourself luck, a**&)#$. What do you know about my situation?!?!"

Have you looked at all on the www.adultchildren.org
website? I found a lot of good information there, including a separate version of The Problem and The Solution. Perhaps an ACOA meeting (there's not many) in your area would be something you would like...or, even an al-anon. From what I hear, there seems to be a lot of AA'ers also attending Alanon.

It's a little intense and New Age, but I also really enjoy Robert Burney's website, www.joy2me.com (I think that's right?)

Journaling (you've done well by posting...it may take a day or two, but have you starting feeling better just from releasing those thoughts?) Keep going.

Music...My newest favorite song is the country song, "If you're going through Hell, keep on Going," I also love Dare You to Move, "...Welcome to the planet...welcome to existence." I find myself gravitating towards music and lyrics which remind me of recovery principles.

Reading. I have enjoyed Janet Woititz's "Adult Children of Alcoholics" (reads analytically, but I was surprised at the emotions that brought up in me), and Melodie Beatty books, especially "Finding Your Way Home: A Soul Survival Kit."

In my opinion (so, take or leave...your choice! ) alcohol and other addictions are merely symptoms of a greater spiritual (or emotional or psychological, if you prefer) disease...fix that, and the symptoms (craving for booze, sex, gambling, fatty food, whatever), begin to dissipate.

Remembering and collecting information about my parents' upbringing. They didn't have it too good, either. And, they didn't have the programs (ACOA, in particular) that we have, or the availability we have (such as the internet). They did (and are still doing) the best they know how. If they knew better, they would do better. It's my belief that people can only do as much as they know how to do.

Now that I know better, I am doing better. I thank God, and the Collective Conscious that I found program while my daughters were still young...I have a chance to stop the cycle.

You are your number one priority right now. You are worth it. We love you, your AAs love you (but may not always show it)...so, obviously you are worthy of good, warm, respectful love from others.

Keep Posting,

Ghost Dog

Wow, thanks so much everyone.

You know, I've been in a depressive slump this past week. When not working, I've been at home vegetating. When I'm not out being active, I become very lethargic, falling back into virtually the same behavior I did when I drank in very little time -- overeating, laying in bed, watching movies and playing video games. This quickly leads to those negative, often disturbing thoughts returning, to the point where I'm basically bullying myself, and eventually, tormenting myself with morbid fantasies of homocide or general madness. That's when I start blaming my parents again, obsessing over "how it should've been & how much better off I'd be", and overall despising life, doubting this Higher Power and becoming distrusting of all I've been taught in this program, paranoid of the world around me and contemptuous of all of humanity (hating strangers! I'm a case). Then I slaughter myself for being aware of bringing it upon myself, but continuing to do it anyway. It's as if I'm beating myself up for beating myself up.

It gains momentum and then seems to run on its own without my assistance from that point on; that is, until I take the steps necessary to end it -- working this program, becoming physically active, "doing the next right thing" et al. I begin feeling well again and, in the past, I've managed to keep at it for such a period of time that I accomplished things I was unaware that I was capable of doing.

Here's the insanity of it all: sooner or later I rationalize that, since I'm doing so well, I owe myself some "time to relax". A common justification is that I don't want to burn out or overwork, yet I manage to convince myself of this long before any of it is apparent or near. Another excuse I use is that I'm not getting the desired effect, or I'm not getting it quickly enough (what's the use anyway/"**** it" syndrome). So I decide to "relax". However, I don't relax at all. I take it to the extreme, throwing everything down, fall into a depressed state of mind and self-destruct for awhile. Then at the end, I wonder why in the hell I thought that would be even a remotely good idea, at which point I pick myself up, work with my sponsee, get active in the program, and start feeling better again, until sooner or later I inevitably fall off the wagon using some cockamamie rationalization that I owe it to myself.

As you can see, this is very analogous of the way an alcoholic's drinking pattern is described in, say, the Big Book of AA in "More About Alcoholism". In fact, the one and only difference is that I've been chemically sober for going on six months. When I added alcohol to this pattern I'm already predisposed to, I didn't stop until I arrived in the mental ward or detox again (so far I've managed to avoid jail...), and the lows were exponentially lower. I'm sure many of you can relate to that. AA has kept me from eventually drinking while in this state -- a feat otherwise impossible prior to getting a support program.

However, even in the absence of alcohol I've been doing this to myself forever now (before I began drinking) -- imposing misery upon myself periodically, for no reason. The madness of it all is that, even with this self-knowledge, this insight that *should* be sufficient enough to break this cycle, I continue to allow it to happen, over and over. I'm not having a good time, believe me, and for some reason, even with the solution right in front of my face and me with the full knowledge to take advantage of it, I don't. And that is the insanity of it: self-imposed depression over and over and over despite possessing the knowledge and tools to stop doing it. Eventually it creates a "why even try I'll just pull it all down on myself anyway" frame of mind. WHY does my mind work like this? Why do I self-sabotage? It baffles me to no end. *sigh*

And I could sit here and diagnose myself with half the DSM-IV, explain my situation in such succinct detail that anyone with a copy of Psychology for Dummies could make any number of seemingly accurate diagnoses, convince you AND myself of my REAL problem, and yet, never find any resolve. Truth be told, my solution lies in everything you people have recommended to me, but the problem lies in actually doing them and sticking with them and not quitting at them.

Again, thanks! I need to check out Wayne Dyer, find some ACoA meetings in the Phoenix area or at least check out Al-anon this week, and get some therapy going, this week. This has been rather cathartic to say the least. I will keep posting here most definitely.

GingerM

We're here, we're listening, and this board doesn't have office hours. When I first started posting, I believe it was late one night when I needed to get something off my chest and things were going someplace in a handbasket in a hurry, and I had no one I could call or talk to because it was so late.

So if you feel in a slump, come here. It doesn't take much effort. Come read. Old posts, new posts, stickies, the friends and family forum, whichever/whatever forum you want. And then start letting it out.

We're all pretty good listeners here.

Gemini31

WOW. Ghost Dog I read your post & felt like you were describing my life to me. I was also struck at how well you write. As someone else mentioned, keep writing and getting those feelings out. The venting (even if it is just here) can only help you (and others who can relate like me).

I am 31 years old, and it has only been in the last few months that I have FINALLY learned that my life does indeed belong to me and not my parents anymore and I do have the right to be happy just like everyone else. I think as children of alcoholics, we sometimes are still caught in those moments as children where we were helpless and powerless to do anything about the situation and stay in that mode for years to come in our adulthood.

For years I just felt like I was worthless and not deserving of a normal life like my friends had. I secretly hate many of them for having parents who wanted to see them succeed, helped them with college, called them to tell them they loved them. I even thought that maybe it was my fault my parents were the way they were and I deserved my pain. My mom and dad were really good about making us kids think we had zero rights as children as long as we too were fed and there was a roof over our heads. I have an enormous amount of anger towards them both right now, and decided to sever ties and communication with them. At first I felt like a terrible person and coward, but I now realize it takes enormous courage to do something like that as well.

I am new to all this and can't offer any advice better than those wise folks who have already replied to you have, except that you need to and can re-claim your life. Your dysfunctional parents and wharped childhood don't have to affect who you are today and what you will become. Just because people like us were dealt a lousy deck as children does not mean that we can't become productive members of society and loving parents too should we chose. Just look at some of the folks here and how far they have come. That should give you hope. The fact that you have gotten sober and already realize your problems at 22 is incredible. I think my rage at my parents is finally working for me instead of against me but it took me a long time to get here. I hope you can get to that point one day too.

Best wishes and thoughts to you and keep posting! There are so many caring and experienced people here always offering support.

Gemini

michski

You are a very smart and articulate 22 year old. So many of the problems you speak of diminish with age.......you are doing the baby steps you need to do in order to have a successful rest of your life. I applaud you for thinking.
So many kids your age just act out without thinking.. jeez, so many old geezers act out without thinking. All this thinking of yours is bound to cause you some discomfort.. you're dealing with a lot of serious adult thoughts here. Life is what we make it. I believe you are in the process right now of setting yourself up for a solution.... only I don't think the solution is going to come to you in a rational way.. it's not gonna be a thought out solution. It's gonna be a way you feel solution. You've got to begin to smell the roses... and I mean going up to a strange flower and smell it! Go see a comedy.. make yourself laugh. Most of us don't have a natural attitude of gratitude. We develope that. All that gray matter that we all spend so much time inside of can also be re-trained.. depression can be also be addictive. Have you seen "What the Bleep Do We Know?" It's available on video. Check it out.