Getting sucked into self hatred.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: NC
Posts: 240
Getting sucked into self hatred.
Many of you know my story by now, the latest being that my AH (6months) sober today spent 5 days in jail for not appearing in court fro non-compliance with child support. Instead, he ran per his usual behavior. Withdrawing money from my personal account and going to see his son in Buffalo.
He's working now, taking care of his financial responsibilities and attending AA meetings. He was still attending meeting when this happened. A month later I am finally able to speak to him and my anger is slowly getting better as I continue to attend alanon meetings. We have an appt. with a therapist in early Sept.
My mother in law is a "functioning alcholic". She's a lawyer, her second husband of 26yrs is a successful chemical engineer. They share one daughter between them. My AH has a brother from his moms first marriage to his dad. Brother was born with a congenital thyroid problem and will be on tyyroid supplements his entire life. She was cheating on my AH father with the man she married, AH dad was a mechanic and was not good enough for her. She wanted much more out of life.
My AH shared the most traumatic experience of his life with me while he was in rehab. Seems when he was 5yrs old his dad came to him and told him he was no longer going to be living with him, his brother and mommy anymore. AH cried and begged him to stay, his father obviously hurt badly just turned and walked out the door. AH says he remembers being afraid kind of like are we going to be safe here without dad (scared of robbers, monsters etc, etc.) His next memory is of the next day. He walks into moms room and she's in bed with someone other than daddy. It was his soon to be step father, mom said he met him at the grocery store. Soon they were moved out of state as step father worked for dupont. His dad so messed up from her cruel treatment of him found it easier to distance himself from anything that had to do with her including his children.
There's so many more things I can tell you that he went through as a child but too much to convey. He began drinking at 13 and was in his first rehab by age 15. The day he came home there was alcohol everywhere. Seems mom had a party planned and told AH " sorry just because you have a problem with alcohol don't mean we're going to quit drinking". Well he drank that night, easy to do as they were all passed out and the alcohol was there for the taking. Next day his step father beat the every living s@#$ out of him. He was soon kicked out and on his own.
Fast forward to the present. My AH is her favorite of her two sons (probably because he is not imperfect like his brother is due to his congenital defect). The daughter she shares with 2nd husband is now 26. they pay for college (want's to be a lawyer like mommy), drives around in a brand new Lexus, has no job etc. etc. As you can imagine she's so self absorbed, self centered and very much a codependant, taking care of mommy when she passes out at the restuarant. Making sure the bill gets paid and she gets home safely to bed. This aggervates her but is her responsibility, so she believes. So, it drives me crazy that he still speaks with these sicko's even though I know I have no right to interfear in his relationship with his family. He mentioned the other day that his sister had said " I can't believe she (me) let you stay in jail for 5 days. He told her that it was his fault he was there that I didn't have the money to get him out etc. etc. Meanwhile, I called and left a voice mail on her cell the day he was arrested, where he was, how much it would cost to get him out and that I couldn't do it. She never called ( she's in charge of everything or so she thinks). I've maybe had 3 conversations with his mom in the past nine yrs and they were when she was drunk. Otherwise she was cold towards me. She tells him "well, mom would'nt have made you stay for 120 days if Michelle didn't put up the money to get you out". Then she tells him, you know mom has never been fond of michelle anyways. She just put up with her because you kept bringing her around.
Yes, I know she's sick and that what other people think about me shouldn't matter but it does. I have stood by her brother through thick and thin. I have done nothing but love and support him even when I should'nt have (codie). I guess what burns my a$$ is that he still has a desire to talk to these sick f'er's. I cringe when I hear him talking on the phone with any of them, except his brother whom I love dearly. Then I wonder, am I jealous because my parents are dead and my "surrogate" family have distanced themselves from me because of all of this?
That all too familiar voice was speaking to me all day today, no matter what I did to stop it. "You're not good enough." " You're unloveable."
" You make people hate you." etc. etc. Bad day today just venting. Thanks for listening.
He's working now, taking care of his financial responsibilities and attending AA meetings. He was still attending meeting when this happened. A month later I am finally able to speak to him and my anger is slowly getting better as I continue to attend alanon meetings. We have an appt. with a therapist in early Sept.
My mother in law is a "functioning alcholic". She's a lawyer, her second husband of 26yrs is a successful chemical engineer. They share one daughter between them. My AH has a brother from his moms first marriage to his dad. Brother was born with a congenital thyroid problem and will be on tyyroid supplements his entire life. She was cheating on my AH father with the man she married, AH dad was a mechanic and was not good enough for her. She wanted much more out of life.
My AH shared the most traumatic experience of his life with me while he was in rehab. Seems when he was 5yrs old his dad came to him and told him he was no longer going to be living with him, his brother and mommy anymore. AH cried and begged him to stay, his father obviously hurt badly just turned and walked out the door. AH says he remembers being afraid kind of like are we going to be safe here without dad (scared of robbers, monsters etc, etc.) His next memory is of the next day. He walks into moms room and she's in bed with someone other than daddy. It was his soon to be step father, mom said he met him at the grocery store. Soon they were moved out of state as step father worked for dupont. His dad so messed up from her cruel treatment of him found it easier to distance himself from anything that had to do with her including his children.
There's so many more things I can tell you that he went through as a child but too much to convey. He began drinking at 13 and was in his first rehab by age 15. The day he came home there was alcohol everywhere. Seems mom had a party planned and told AH " sorry just because you have a problem with alcohol don't mean we're going to quit drinking". Well he drank that night, easy to do as they were all passed out and the alcohol was there for the taking. Next day his step father beat the every living s@#$ out of him. He was soon kicked out and on his own.
Fast forward to the present. My AH is her favorite of her two sons (probably because he is not imperfect like his brother is due to his congenital defect). The daughter she shares with 2nd husband is now 26. they pay for college (want's to be a lawyer like mommy), drives around in a brand new Lexus, has no job etc. etc. As you can imagine she's so self absorbed, self centered and very much a codependant, taking care of mommy when she passes out at the restuarant. Making sure the bill gets paid and she gets home safely to bed. This aggervates her but is her responsibility, so she believes. So, it drives me crazy that he still speaks with these sicko's even though I know I have no right to interfear in his relationship with his family. He mentioned the other day that his sister had said " I can't believe she (me) let you stay in jail for 5 days. He told her that it was his fault he was there that I didn't have the money to get him out etc. etc. Meanwhile, I called and left a voice mail on her cell the day he was arrested, where he was, how much it would cost to get him out and that I couldn't do it. She never called ( she's in charge of everything or so she thinks). I've maybe had 3 conversations with his mom in the past nine yrs and they were when she was drunk. Otherwise she was cold towards me. She tells him "well, mom would'nt have made you stay for 120 days if Michelle didn't put up the money to get you out". Then she tells him, you know mom has never been fond of michelle anyways. She just put up with her because you kept bringing her around.
Yes, I know she's sick and that what other people think about me shouldn't matter but it does. I have stood by her brother through thick and thin. I have done nothing but love and support him even when I should'nt have (codie). I guess what burns my a$$ is that he still has a desire to talk to these sick f'er's. I cringe when I hear him talking on the phone with any of them, except his brother whom I love dearly. Then I wonder, am I jealous because my parents are dead and my "surrogate" family have distanced themselves from me because of all of this?
That all too familiar voice was speaking to me all day today, no matter what I did to stop it. "You're not good enough." " You're unloveable."
" You make people hate you." etc. etc. Bad day today just venting. Thanks for listening.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by blizzard77
That all too familiar voice was speaking to me all day today, no matter what I did to stop it. "You're not good enough." " You're unloveable."
" You make people hate you." etc. etc. Bad day today just venting. Thanks for listening.
" You make people hate you." etc. etc. Bad day today just venting. Thanks for listening.
L
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
I hope I misunderstand Guy's post. I'm hoping he meant that "It's Hell for children" and not "Hell is for children!"
Regardless.....
blizzard, I think that there is often times bitter feelings towards the enablers, the friends, family, and drinking buddies of the A. But those are just my thoughts.
I know that for me - that is how I feel often times. It took me a long time to figure out just what and why those bad feelings existed for those people in AH's life. I mean, I didn't like most of them, I didn't want their friendship, their approval so much, or anything - so why bejealous? Jealousy that they had a part of my A that I didn't. That's the basic part of it.
It's good to vent - sometimes I've found that I have real lightbulb moments in the heat of a vent. I'll be spilling how I feel and then it dawns on me - "Omg, I really DO feel that way".
Just keep on focusing on you. This includes the good things about you too, blizzard!
Regardless.....
blizzard, I think that there is often times bitter feelings towards the enablers, the friends, family, and drinking buddies of the A. But those are just my thoughts.
I know that for me - that is how I feel often times. It took me a long time to figure out just what and why those bad feelings existed for those people in AH's life. I mean, I didn't like most of them, I didn't want their friendship, their approval so much, or anything - so why bejealous? Jealousy that they had a part of my A that I didn't. That's the basic part of it.
It's good to vent - sometimes I've found that I have real lightbulb moments in the heat of a vent. I'll be spilling how I feel and then it dawns on me - "Omg, I really DO feel that way".
Just keep on focusing on you. This includes the good things about you too, blizzard!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: NC
Posts: 240
StandingStrong,
You're so right. At first I vented and wasn't feeling better. Just wanted to fall into self pity mode and cry myself to sleep. Instead I read a couple of chapters in my alanon book. Resenting, sick people such as AH's family is only allowing them to control my feelings and I was feeling miserable about myself. What a waste of time and energy. It's so easy to get off track sometimes but I'm finding it just as easy to get back on track. Most of all it just makes me sad, that AH has so many deep emotional issues that's he's just not ready to deal with. Just because I think they are posion and a detrement to his recovery (sober 6 months today) don't mean that's how he has to see it. I've got to remember I DON'T KNOW what's best for him. It also heps to be able to vent here and get the perspective of other's. I'm so greatful I've found SR.
You're so right. At first I vented and wasn't feeling better. Just wanted to fall into self pity mode and cry myself to sleep. Instead I read a couple of chapters in my alanon book. Resenting, sick people such as AH's family is only allowing them to control my feelings and I was feeling miserable about myself. What a waste of time and energy. It's so easy to get off track sometimes but I'm finding it just as easy to get back on track. Most of all it just makes me sad, that AH has so many deep emotional issues that's he's just not ready to deal with. Just because I think they are posion and a detrement to his recovery (sober 6 months today) don't mean that's how he has to see it. I've got to remember I DON'T KNOW what's best for him. It also heps to be able to vent here and get the perspective of other's. I'm so greatful I've found SR.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Baltimore,MD
Posts: 150
I don't know if I hate myself right now or just feel guilty and responsible.
I started out blaming everyone else for my AH drinking so much. Then I blamed numerous other things. Now, I blame myself for not doing something about it before it got this bad and our lives in a mess.
I was supposed to be the responsible one, the adult, the caretaker or whatever you want to call it. I blame myself for not putting my foot down the last time he did something stupid, or the time before that, or the time before that...or the time before that...or the...well, you get the idea.
I started out blaming everyone else for my AH drinking so much. Then I blamed numerous other things. Now, I blame myself for not doing something about it before it got this bad and our lives in a mess.
I was supposed to be the responsible one, the adult, the caretaker or whatever you want to call it. I blame myself for not putting my foot down the last time he did something stupid, or the time before that, or the time before that...or the time before that...or the...well, you get the idea.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by LongStrangeTrip
I was supposed to be the responsible one, the adult, the caretaker or whatever you want to call it. I blame myself for not putting my foot down the last time he did something stupid, or the time before that, or the time before that...or the time before that...or the...well, you get the idea.
It lightens your load so much when you give all his stuff back to him and you only have to carry your own stuff...............
L
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
I blame myself for not putting my foot down the last time he did something stupid, or the time before that, or the time before that...or the time before that...or the.
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