Minx1969

L and I were in a grocery store tonight and I ran into a woman I haven't seen in a year...

She first came to Alanon because her bf was drinking...she didn't stay in Alanon...

She moved out of the house they were living in together but still dated him.

we lost touch...

Today she told me that he has been sober and working a good program in AA for 7 months now.

They are still dating.

S detached with love, took care of herself and her bf got sober...

that's good enough for me.

prodigal

She did the right thing by getting on with her life. It sounds as if her calm, loving detachment really had an impact on the man in her life. It can happen. Other times it does not. Either way, we have to take care of ourselves, step out of the way, and let our Higher Power do the rest. Easy to say, tough to do.

I'm seeing signs in my AH that I recognize so very well as a return to "Insanity Land." Now I have to respect myself and calmly walk away. I honestly think he'll be in the same boat (trashed on weekend benders) within the next month or so. His choice. My choice to get off this ride. Sad? Yeah, but I've done all I can do, given him more than enough chances to straighten up, and now it's time for me to do a little straightening up on my side of the street. Somehow, I know this is all going to turn out okay. Gotta have faith.

I have the greatest respect and admiration for all those out there who are working their program and staying sober. For those who can't or won't make it, I just offer my prayers.

sunshinebluesky

ive always had hope that it can and does happen. and she sure handled it the right way. shame it doesnt happen that way more often.

minnie

Thanks for this, Minx.

Actually, I think this happens more than we know. I always have to remind myself that SR is quite a self-selecting place. Me leaving R didn't get him sober, however one day when the Xth woman has left him, perhaps the penny might drop.

And a great reminder of looking after ourselves no matter what.

Five

Was going to say something

Five

but changed my mind

Five

so I have to go back

Five

and write over what I wrote

Five

and I'll finish by saying

Five

...yes, us drunks do get sober. Its not all so bad.

equus

I get a reminder each night, I don't feel so much as though it's a reaction to my behaviour though. Although I have always felt we do influence each other and are far from powerless. I guess it's a case of pesky grey!

minnie

Five - I read what you wrote before you deleted it. It is important information and needs to be expressed, imho.

Five

I was just saying that it is not "AA or death". Infact it is nowhere NEAR that. Its not just a downward spiral. It fluctuates, worsens, changes, and even self terminates. If you believe that your partner has to go to AA or is destined to die, or be a dry drunk, then your mistaken. As I understand it, around half get sober, some moderate, whilst the other half die of it. The guys on the street are part of alcoholisim, and the city worker who shrugs it off one day are part of alcoholisim. Infact, anyone who DRINKS is part of alcoholisim (studies show that alcoholics drink for the same reasons that normal people drink - to have a good time/relax/confidence bost, basically - perhaps that is why it can go on for years pretty much unnoticed).

So: of course they sober up.

equus

I'm going to add to this that expectations of how D should achieve his goal of not drinking harmed me. I spent a great deal of wasted time using info like him not having face to face support to try and glance into a crystal ball. It was totally wasted energy, simply being supportive of real effort was enough, particularly the real effort that followed a lapse in his plans.

I truly hope the number of people on this forum that believe it's AA or die have very much dwindled over time - I certainly can't remember the last time I heard it said here.

Five

Eq, when I was in AA, I was so thoroughly, so completlely indoctrinated that I found it IMPOSSIBLE to imagine a happy life without the twelve steps. Just not possible. A non option. And I still find it hard. I still find it very, very, very difficult to say to myslef: I can do this alone, and nothing horrific is going to happen.

But thats how it works. Keep giving up, keep surrendering to it. Because its the only way. I hope people didnt experience it that way and have become mroe openminded.

Five

OR you become a dry drunk (A sinner, basically) who is:

"full up of defects"
"is selfish"
"self will run riot"
"warped desires"
"someone who plays god"
"who is irritable and discontent"
"who is sick, diseased"
"who is an emotional vampire"
"who is full up of pride"
"who is egotistical"
"who has a big ego"

Thats what you 'become' if you stop workign the program.

How many people have undergone careful clinical observation for them to arrive at the labelling of anyone who does not work the twelves steps as dry drunk? None. Its all in their minds.

elizabeth1979

I would just like to add that while some people do get sober and recover, its almost unheard of for anyone to get sober and recover on their own without the help of a program.
This is why its important for me to remember that its not intentions that matter its actions.

Five

Never mind.

Five

I actually began to see my mother in terms of a dry drunk.

equus

How do you define 'a program'?