One thing after another. I'm so messed up today.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: NC
Posts: 240
One thing after another. I'm so messed up today.
A brief recap on my story: AH sober for almost 6months after 28day rehab stay. Dry-drunk...goes to meetings, found a sponser that would let him slide by, no working the steps, no change in behaviors. Stole my ATM (my own personal account) left in the middle of the night to go to Buffalo to see his son. I had a police report done and went to the bank with the info..they credited my account ($650). I beg him to stay in Buffalo even bribe him and teel him I';; pay his car payment (in my name) and car insurance for the next 3yrs to pay the car back. He say no wants to come home and work on the marriage. I reluctantly agree. We see a therapist who tells us we're both very sick and have no marriage at this point, but he's willing to work with us separately. I've jumped in with both feet.. Therapist weekly, 3 alanon meetings and working on step four. He (unemployed for a year). Get's arrested a week after his return for missing a child support hearing. I don't bail him out mainly cuz I don't have the money but a part of me was saying let God's Will be done and step out of the way. Five days later he goes to court gets bail reduced significantly....I bail him out but decide that we were no longer going to share the same bedroom, no sexual contact etc. etc.
Would'nt ya know it he finds a job in 5 days, guess jail wasn't for him. He goes to meetings I think but I'm not sure where he is on his recovery and frankly I don't give a damn.
Fast forword to this weeks drama: I get a bill for $250 in the mail on Monday because he hasn't had his car inspected (or should I say my car). I lost is bad...ranting, rageing, name calling...you know the drill.
My therapist sets me straight. We begin to see what character defect of mine contribute to all of this. Wow I think, a light bulb moment...My resentment for the bad choices I've made are fueling my anger and need to point the finger at him.
So, I try to be more considerate of his feelings and apologize for the horrible names I called him. In the mean time he's still in training waiting tables at a local restuarant and speaking with contempt and disgust towards me (that's if he speaks to me at all). Today the bank calls me at work. Guess What???
They will not allow me to press fraud charges against him for stealing my money out of my personal account. She said she comes from the old school and this is a family affair...the bank shouldn't be punished by crediting my account for such issues I don't have the energy to argue with her so she tells me they will automatically withdraw the money they origionally credited to my account in 7 business days. I'm floored. I can't concentrate at work... Worried sick about how I'm going to come up with this money.
Come home at noon to AH sleeping OH so peacefully on the couch. This time I tell myself I'm not going to rant and rave. I'm going to give him the respect every human being deserves and see if he can come up with a solution to this problem that he created.
His solution "Can't you just put it on a credit card"? No. I can't. I just took a home equity loan to pay off $20 grand in credit card debt. My solutions #1 Sell my car make about $2000.00 and take over the use of his car (really my car). #2 Sell the house break even and file for divorce. Needless to say both went over like a lead balloon with him. He believes I am punishing him and have had this twisted plan all along to "get rid of him". I'm calm the entire time, never raised my voice or played into his game. I told him he was mentally and spirtually sick. I told him I was no longer making decisions that were not in my best interests and that I was going to do what was best for me. He's still yelling telling me his friends at AA say I'm a crazy bitch and my motive is to make him drink. When he is unable to get a rise out of me he throws something he was initally aiming at me only he changed his mind and threw it at the fire place knocking the vents loose. Then he crys please please don't call the police. I just went into my room and took a nap and he left the house at 2pm (he don't have to be at work till 6pm. I'm so frickin sick of it all. I don't have $$ for a divorce if I wanted one and I'm not sure what I want anymore. Last week I wanted to heal myself in recovery and then decide. I still plan on continuing down the recovery path as I know it's my only way to freedom. What the heck am I supposed to do until then??? Sorry, so long. I tend to get to wordy especially in the throws of the codependant crazies.
Would'nt ya know it he finds a job in 5 days, guess jail wasn't for him. He goes to meetings I think but I'm not sure where he is on his recovery and frankly I don't give a damn.
Fast forword to this weeks drama: I get a bill for $250 in the mail on Monday because he hasn't had his car inspected (or should I say my car). I lost is bad...ranting, rageing, name calling...you know the drill.
My therapist sets me straight. We begin to see what character defect of mine contribute to all of this. Wow I think, a light bulb moment...My resentment for the bad choices I've made are fueling my anger and need to point the finger at him.
So, I try to be more considerate of his feelings and apologize for the horrible names I called him. In the mean time he's still in training waiting tables at a local restuarant and speaking with contempt and disgust towards me (that's if he speaks to me at all). Today the bank calls me at work. Guess What???
They will not allow me to press fraud charges against him for stealing my money out of my personal account. She said she comes from the old school and this is a family affair...the bank shouldn't be punished by crediting my account for such issues I don't have the energy to argue with her so she tells me they will automatically withdraw the money they origionally credited to my account in 7 business days. I'm floored. I can't concentrate at work... Worried sick about how I'm going to come up with this money.
Come home at noon to AH sleeping OH so peacefully on the couch. This time I tell myself I'm not going to rant and rave. I'm going to give him the respect every human being deserves and see if he can come up with a solution to this problem that he created.
His solution "Can't you just put it on a credit card"? No. I can't. I just took a home equity loan to pay off $20 grand in credit card debt. My solutions #1 Sell my car make about $2000.00 and take over the use of his car (really my car). #2 Sell the house break even and file for divorce. Needless to say both went over like a lead balloon with him. He believes I am punishing him and have had this twisted plan all along to "get rid of him". I'm calm the entire time, never raised my voice or played into his game. I told him he was mentally and spirtually sick. I told him I was no longer making decisions that were not in my best interests and that I was going to do what was best for me. He's still yelling telling me his friends at AA say I'm a crazy bitch and my motive is to make him drink. When he is unable to get a rise out of me he throws something he was initally aiming at me only he changed his mind and threw it at the fire place knocking the vents loose. Then he crys please please don't call the police. I just went into my room and took a nap and he left the house at 2pm (he don't have to be at work till 6pm. I'm so frickin sick of it all. I don't have $$ for a divorce if I wanted one and I'm not sure what I want anymore. Last week I wanted to heal myself in recovery and then decide. I still plan on continuing down the recovery path as I know it's my only way to freedom. What the heck am I supposed to do until then??? Sorry, so long. I tend to get to wordy especially in the throws of the codependant crazies. 
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Blizzard, first of all your bank is GOVERNED by FEDERAL LAWS and they cannot do that, it is a crime, it is your PERSONAL account, and it does not matter how he got the pin number, what he did IS A CRIME. Call the feds......
Bank has to credit you your money and they go after him by filing the report. Your bank just doesn't want to be bothered.
Second, yes you are on the road to recovery, and unless he's making the payments on the car......get rid of it, he can find another means to get to work, even if its riding a bicycle.
Third, get everything you can out of his name, change your passwords and codes, and don't give him a da*n dime.
Slowly as YOU stay working on you and do some or all of the above you will see your financial situation change as your own attitudes change and will be in a better position to file for a divorce or legal separation or not file.
Keep working on and your reactions to him, because you know there is nothing you can do to help him.
Oh and this:
I doubt very much they said and if they did then he sure isn't hanging with the 'winners'. lol
He's just quacking, you already know that, you say nothing has changed.
J M H O
Please keep posting, let us know how you are doing, we do care.
Love and (((((to all))))),
Bank has to credit you your money and they go after him by filing the report. Your bank just doesn't want to be bothered.
Second, yes you are on the road to recovery, and unless he's making the payments on the car......get rid of it, he can find another means to get to work, even if its riding a bicycle.
Third, get everything you can out of his name, change your passwords and codes, and don't give him a da*n dime.
Slowly as YOU stay working on you and do some or all of the above you will see your financial situation change as your own attitudes change and will be in a better position to file for a divorce or legal separation or not file.
Keep working on and your reactions to him, because you know there is nothing you can do to help him.
Oh and this:
yelling telling me his friends at AA say I'm a crazy bitch and my motive is to make him drink.
He's just quacking, you already know that, you say nothing has changed.
J M H O
Please keep posting, let us know how you are doing, we do care.
Love and (((((to all))))),
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: NC
Posts: 240
Thank you Laurie. The woman I spoke to (Bank of America) fraud dept said that before I could go ahead and press fraud charges against him they'd have to speak with him as to how he obtained my pin#.
You know what he's going to say..."She gave it to me". End of story. I can't sleep, I've been crying since 5pm (my eyes are almost swollen shut).
The thing is...My parent's are both deseased (Dad-when I was seven, he was an alcoholic and Mom when I was 23) I'm now 35 and have never been in the financial situation that I've gotten myself into ever. I'm scared to death. I've always been overly responsible for my and AH financial responsibilities and now I can't take care of my self financially because I've placed my trust in an untrustworthy, sick, self-centered man.:uzi2:
I'm origionally from Buffalo hence the name blizzard 77 (bflo had a bad blizzard in 1977). The city was paralyzed for weeks, that's how I've felt for the past year. I've thought seriously about just packing up and heading home for good. At least I have some supportive friends there, I have none here. Just abandon the house and everything in it and go home. AH can worry about the bills. No doubt the utilities would get turned off within a month and the bank would forclose on my house. So, my excellent credit would be shot. Who cares? Trying to live up to this perfectly responsible person is wearing me out. Why should I care? He don't. I know that seems like a rash decision but I feel like a rat trapped in a cage. I try so hard to believe that things will get better, I try to stay positive, I go to my meetings, read my books, work on my steps feel like I'm making progress...Then Bam, another blow to the gut. I feel like I'm in a loosing battle. My sponsor is helping me through all of this mess but today I feel no hope. Maybe if I could rest my mind and get some sleep I'll have a clearer mind but right now at this very moment I feel hopeless.
You know what he's going to say..."She gave it to me". End of story. I can't sleep, I've been crying since 5pm (my eyes are almost swollen shut).
The thing is...My parent's are both deseased (Dad-when I was seven, he was an alcoholic and Mom when I was 23) I'm now 35 and have never been in the financial situation that I've gotten myself into ever. I'm scared to death. I've always been overly responsible for my and AH financial responsibilities and now I can't take care of my self financially because I've placed my trust in an untrustworthy, sick, self-centered man.:uzi2:
I'm origionally from Buffalo hence the name blizzard 77 (bflo had a bad blizzard in 1977). The city was paralyzed for weeks, that's how I've felt for the past year. I've thought seriously about just packing up and heading home for good. At least I have some supportive friends there, I have none here. Just abandon the house and everything in it and go home. AH can worry about the bills. No doubt the utilities would get turned off within a month and the bank would forclose on my house. So, my excellent credit would be shot. Who cares? Trying to live up to this perfectly responsible person is wearing me out. Why should I care? He don't. I know that seems like a rash decision but I feel like a rat trapped in a cage. I try so hard to believe that things will get better, I try to stay positive, I go to my meetings, read my books, work on my steps feel like I'm making progress...Then Bam, another blow to the gut. I feel like I'm in a loosing battle. My sponsor is helping me through all of this mess but today I feel no hope. Maybe if I could rest my mind and get some sleep I'll have a clearer mind but right now at this very moment I feel hopeless.
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Wow blizzard... that's quite a pickle...
I think that's a great idea, personally.
Ya know, if I were you I would not be very concerned about how HE feels at this point.
Next time, do it!
Then put that on the back burner for know. I would wrap up this financial mess, (solution #1 and #2) and tell him we'll rent an apartment after the house and car are sold, (to get his cooperation). Then on moving day move where YOU want to! He can take care of himself!
Leaving now and letting everything collapse on him might sound like a workable solution, but you might regret it a year or two down the road. If you can sell everything and break even, then do it and worry about getting a divorce after the fact. Break it up into manageable pieces.
Originally Posted by blizzard77
My solutions #1 Sell my car make about $2000.00 and take over the use of his car (really my car). #2 Sell the house break even and file for divorce.
Needless to say both went over like a lead balloon with him.
Then he crys please please don't call the police.
I don't have $$ for a divorce
Leaving now and letting everything collapse on him might sound like a workable solution, but you might regret it a year or two down the road. If you can sell everything and break even, then do it and worry about getting a divorce after the fact. Break it up into manageable pieces.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
Well, I was all full of good advice, but Jazz pretty much said it all.
They're YOUR cars, YOU can do with them whatever YOU want. Is the house in your name or both names? You sound like you're getting onto that recovery path in a major way! Good for you!
His feelings are his problems. Heck, his problems are his problems. You take care of YOU. (oh, the voice of experience here) You take care of YOUR credit rating! Take care of YOU first, he's an adult, if he can't take care of himself, maybe it's time he got a bit of life experience going.
They're YOUR cars, YOU can do with them whatever YOU want. Is the house in your name or both names? You sound like you're getting onto that recovery path in a major way! Good for you!
His feelings are his problems. Heck, his problems are his problems. You take care of YOU. (oh, the voice of experience here) You take care of YOUR credit rating! Take care of YOU first, he's an adult, if he can't take care of himself, maybe it's time he got a bit of life experience going.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: NC
Posts: 240
Ginger-Everything is in my name and both were bought prior to our marriage. But, guess what???
When he stole the $$ and shuffed off to Buffalo my immediate reaction was he was using again (didn't know much about this dry-drunk business) so I tried to report the car stolen when I filed a report on the credit card. I even went as far as going to the dealer-ship where we bought the car and got copies of the purchasing paper work and brought my marriage liscense with them to the magistrate.
They clearly stated that it was purchased prior to our marriage but those a$$es wouldn't do a thing.
That's right you head me, nothing? I even made a scene in which I blurted out loud so that the "head-hancho" sheriff could hear that I knew it was an election year and I worked at a hospital where I knew a lot of people blah blah blah. The only thing that did was get them to take me upstairs away from the public waiting room.
They said NC is a spousal state meaning that everything that is mine is his no matter what or when things were purchased. I went to a lawyer who said, indeed this was true regarding the house but they could've arrested him for grand theft auto had they wanted to but to extradite him back to NC would be very costly. OMG..just writing this brings back memories of anger and disbelief. Before I knew all this spousal state crap I spent $100 on locks and changed all the locks on the house but was told by the same sherriff's deputy that wrote the report on my stolen ATM card that if he came home I HAD to let him in and it would not be in my best interests not to cause he could call the cops on me or break a window to get in and then I'd have to pay for the damages done for a " man breaking into his own home". That is why I said I reluctantly agreed to let him come back.
So, although all of your questions/suggestions are great they don't seem to apply here in the ole' South. Sorry, I didn't mean to offend anyone who lives in the south it's just that this yankee thinks the law is backward here. That's one phrase I heard over and over " Mam, it's the law, we don't write em we just enforce em':Flush:
When he stole the $$ and shuffed off to Buffalo my immediate reaction was he was using again (didn't know much about this dry-drunk business) so I tried to report the car stolen when I filed a report on the credit card. I even went as far as going to the dealer-ship where we bought the car and got copies of the purchasing paper work and brought my marriage liscense with them to the magistrate.
They clearly stated that it was purchased prior to our marriage but those a$$es wouldn't do a thing.
That's right you head me, nothing? I even made a scene in which I blurted out loud so that the "head-hancho" sheriff could hear that I knew it was an election year and I worked at a hospital where I knew a lot of people blah blah blah. The only thing that did was get them to take me upstairs away from the public waiting room.
They said NC is a spousal state meaning that everything that is mine is his no matter what or when things were purchased. I went to a lawyer who said, indeed this was true regarding the house but they could've arrested him for grand theft auto had they wanted to but to extradite him back to NC would be very costly. OMG..just writing this brings back memories of anger and disbelief. Before I knew all this spousal state crap I spent $100 on locks and changed all the locks on the house but was told by the same sherriff's deputy that wrote the report on my stolen ATM card that if he came home I HAD to let him in and it would not be in my best interests not to cause he could call the cops on me or break a window to get in and then I'd have to pay for the damages done for a " man breaking into his own home". That is why I said I reluctantly agreed to let him come back.
So, although all of your questions/suggestions are great they don't seem to apply here in the ole' South. Sorry, I didn't mean to offend anyone who lives in the south it's just that this yankee thinks the law is backward here. That's one phrase I heard over and over " Mam, it's the law, we don't write em we just enforce em':Flush:
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Well Blizzard, then go ahead, the house is in your name, contact a realtor and put it up for sale. The title to the cars are in your name, put them up for sale. You will have no problem proving any proceeds from the sale went to pay "marital debts" and then like was suggested move.
You want to go back to NY State, do after the sales. Establish a residence up there and by then you will be able to file for divorce or separation as a resident of NY.
Just start with the footwork. Ignore him when he is in the house, get the for sale sign up, and sell it. Pay off the mortgage. Sell the car. Pay off whatever bills you can.
He complains, "sorry, can't afford to keep the car and insurance you'll just have to get a bicycle."
Blizzard there are 'legal' ways around archiac laws..........go for it. It is not as bad as they (the good ole boys) are trying to make it for you. One step at a time. Call a real estate agent and see about putting the house up for sale. He cannot stop you and you can always say "sorry we cannot afford to keep the house, too many bills, we'll just have to move into an apartment after its sold."
You can do this one step at a time. Right now everything is so 'jumbled' up in your head its very difficult to think straight! Start with a list.
Example first item, "put house up for sale" then under that item make further lists what you need to do to do that, any questions you have to ask realtors, list of realtors to call, etc,
By putting things down in list form it stops some of the turmoil going on and round and round in our heads. It can be an excellent 'calming tool' to quiet the racing thoughts.
Hope that helps.......feel free to PM me anytime.
Love and hugs,
You want to go back to NY State, do after the sales. Establish a residence up there and by then you will be able to file for divorce or separation as a resident of NY.
Just start with the footwork. Ignore him when he is in the house, get the for sale sign up, and sell it. Pay off the mortgage. Sell the car. Pay off whatever bills you can.
He complains, "sorry, can't afford to keep the car and insurance you'll just have to get a bicycle."
Blizzard there are 'legal' ways around archiac laws..........go for it. It is not as bad as they (the good ole boys) are trying to make it for you. One step at a time. Call a real estate agent and see about putting the house up for sale. He cannot stop you and you can always say "sorry we cannot afford to keep the house, too many bills, we'll just have to move into an apartment after its sold."
You can do this one step at a time. Right now everything is so 'jumbled' up in your head its very difficult to think straight! Start with a list.
Example first item, "put house up for sale" then under that item make further lists what you need to do to do that, any questions you have to ask realtors, list of realtors to call, etc,
By putting things down in list form it stops some of the turmoil going on and round and round in our heads. It can be an excellent 'calming tool' to quiet the racing thoughts.
Hope that helps.......feel free to PM me anytime.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
I didn't realize you were in a community property state. Yes, if the house was purchased after you were married, then even if his name isn't on the title, he has half share interest in it.
But since the cars were purchased prior to the marriage, he has no legal claim on them, you can sell them. In community property states, only the property purchased during the marriage counts, not the property purchased prior to the marriage.
Unfortunately, that does not hold true for debts. Hopefully he doesn't have many outstanding creditors chasing after him, because he owns half of your house, and you own half of his debts (my sister got majorly hosed in her first divorce because of this).
But since the cars were purchased prior to the marriage, he has no legal claim on them, you can sell them. In community property states, only the property purchased during the marriage counts, not the property purchased prior to the marriage.
Unfortunately, that does not hold true for debts. Hopefully he doesn't have many outstanding creditors chasing after him, because he owns half of your house, and you own half of his debts (my sister got majorly hosed in her first divorce because of this).
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: NC
Posts: 240
Laurie,
You are so right, all of my thoughts are a jumbled mess. Eighty percent of the time I just want to sell the house and go back to NY. The the other twenty percent of the time I think, for the fist time in 8 yrs my AH is sober. It gives me hope that soon fades as I see before my very eyes that he is a dry-drunk. I also recognize my part in it. I get so angry that the codie monster roars her ugly head and before you know it I'm saying things to him that I'd NEVER intended to. Then the guilt and remorse flood in like a tidal wave. I love my house here in NC, love the weather, and despite my name...I don't miss the snow and freezing temps that await me in Buffalo. The taxes are sooooooo high too. It may sound like excuses to not make a move and stay stuck in the muck so to speak and maybe that's what all this indecision is all about. As for right now, I've told him under no circumstances will I be paying the car payment. If it gets repossesed to frickin bad. My credit will suffer and that is a consequence I have to face due to my bad choice. I'm more than willing to take responsibility for my mistakes, he on the other hand is not. My head is just not clear enough to start making big life changing decisions....Yet.
But, I'm working on it harder than I've worked at anything in my life other than working through the grief of loosing my first husband to melanoma nine yrs ago, when we were both 26 yrs old. It was a slow and painful process and I'm finding this to be the same.
Thanks for the support. It keeps me going when I think I can't.
You are so right, all of my thoughts are a jumbled mess. Eighty percent of the time I just want to sell the house and go back to NY. The the other twenty percent of the time I think, for the fist time in 8 yrs my AH is sober. It gives me hope that soon fades as I see before my very eyes that he is a dry-drunk. I also recognize my part in it. I get so angry that the codie monster roars her ugly head and before you know it I'm saying things to him that I'd NEVER intended to. Then the guilt and remorse flood in like a tidal wave. I love my house here in NC, love the weather, and despite my name...I don't miss the snow and freezing temps that await me in Buffalo. The taxes are sooooooo high too. It may sound like excuses to not make a move and stay stuck in the muck so to speak and maybe that's what all this indecision is all about. As for right now, I've told him under no circumstances will I be paying the car payment. If it gets repossesed to frickin bad. My credit will suffer and that is a consequence I have to face due to my bad choice. I'm more than willing to take responsibility for my mistakes, he on the other hand is not. My head is just not clear enough to start making big life changing decisions....Yet.
But, I'm working on it harder than I've worked at anything in my life other than working through the grief of loosing my first husband to melanoma nine yrs ago, when we were both 26 yrs old. It was a slow and painful process and I'm finding this to be the same.
Thanks for the support. It keeps me going when I think I can't.
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