denny57

Last September I told AH that I had been going to Al-Anon. He cut off all communication with me and in February filed for divorce. I spent about 3 weeks in October begging him to speak to me, crying, pleading, you name it. It was pretty sickening now that I think about it. I sent him a final email, about 3 sentences long, saying he needed to do what was right for him, that I loved him and would be there if he decided to do something about his drinking.

Last week he received notice he would have to appear in court with me on October 4 or else (he had already missed 2 dates).

Today, I received a letter from him stating he was leaving town for a few weeks but that he "continued to hope" we could communicate and "maybe in September we can talk, as long as it is without recriminations or slander."

My immediate reaction was pretty much a shrug, and my first thought was quack quack - that I learned here on SR.

It was also a good reminder to me that my situation is not unique; everyone said I would hear from him when he needed something, yet I truly believed he would never contact me.

My plan is to do nothing but show up in court in October (I now want this divorce). Anyone see it differently? Thanks.

megamysterioso

I don't see it differently Denny. I think that just going to court and keeping it all business is the absolute best way to handle it. It is amazing how we continue to give these guys "credit" isn't it? I would use his contacting you in this manner as the final stamp that solidifies your decision. My XAH's final stamp was the night I went over to drop off some things of his. That was when he told me to "either go in his bed and sleep or get the F out of his house." It felt very good getting the F out of his house and my feeling driving home was that he would NEVER have to have me in his house or in his presence again.

ASpouse

Nope, I see it the same way you do. I'm not quite sure I get the point to his email though. Oh well, I guess it doesn't matter really.

Live

Denny, I see you as a shining success! And gosh, it didn't throw you a bit! Hats off!!!!

live

minnie

Nice recovery, Denny.

So, he wants to talk in September. Strange that, with a crucial court date coming up in October. Oh, and talks with stipulations no less.

Does he live my the maxim of "better late than never"? Or "I'd better do some greasing now, or else I'll get shafted in court the month after"?

denny57

LOL Minnie!

When I went in to quote you back, I saw the rest of your post and you crack me up. The greasin is more like it, me thinks.

LaTeeDa

I agree with the rest. I think you are seeing it clearly. (the quacking) I also think it's interesting that he wants to talk to you, but only if you agree to his conditions? Maybe he is still under the impression that you desparately want to talk to him, and so he feels like he is throwing you a bone?

As Judy said, doesn't really matter anyway.

Good job!

L

mfisher

Nice of him to lay down the rules for your converstion. I'd say sorry without recriminations or slander I guess I would be speechless. See ya in court buddy.

pmaslan

They really aren't they surprising at all are they Denny?
Bad pennies always turn up.....but we have the choice to
pick them or leave where they are....
My vote leave them where they are...
You are a great example of recovery....

denny57

Thanks - though a part of me would love to use mfisher's comeback - it's so good!

edited to add: LTD - Your post got me thinking - that is it, isn't it, in part? He has no idea of the recovery work I've been doing and thinks I am still the same person who was begging him to talk to me. Interesting to look at it that way. Thanks.

GingerM

I don't usually like posting "yeah, me too" posts, but...

Yeah, me too. I heard exactly what you heard: *somebody* woke up and realized that he's about to get the shaft, and now wants to manipulate you. Only it isn't working anymore.

Funny how recovery will do that to you

pmaslan

I am sitting here chuckling to myself.
Won't he get a surprise when he sees and hears
the new improved, healthy Denny....I'd like to be a fly on the way for that one!

jen in me

Denny,
It's pretty obvious I'm still in that back and forth stage where I act a certain way (angry, still trying to get him to admit things and talk, crying - you name it - like you said in your first post). I came on here tonight after going through all that stuff and then beating myself up over it (I was not detached at all this evening).

I'm about to go to bed and have told myself that it is what it is - already happened - and I am just not going to beat myself up for slipping into that behaviour. Tomorrow is a new day.
Just wanted to let you know that your post helped me a lot tonight.
I have some good days and some very desperate bad days. I really AM just like an alcoholic in some ways. Today I really struggled with just wanting to go back to the way I have always tried to be - instead of getting better.

It was good to hear that you went through that and kept going - kept working - and were able to overcome.

so, thanks...
Now I am really going to try to shut off my brain and go to sleep tonight. No more trying to make sense of something that will NOT make sense and is full of lies. No more doing the same old thing that I have always done and expecting different results.

Live

Denny,

I am laughing with you. I like the idea of the actions speak louder than words...so see, you really can say "see ya in court buddy!"

live

Jazzman

So, since the "no problem is so great you can't run away from it" philosophy isn't working for him anymore, I guess you better be ready to negotiate peacefully now, huh? Boy have I seen this movie before!

Sorry, up too late to not be a bit sarcastic.. When my divorce entered the lawyer stage it stayed there. The only communication was between lawyers and I wanted it that way. Filtered out the quacking and kept things brief and to the point.

LIFEOUTTHERE

Hi Denny-

Good Luck in court.

pmaslan

If Lifeoutthere did mention his I would have forgot.
Denny I am with you today....
Email me if you need to talk or call....
(((Denny)))

elizabeth1979

Best of luck today Denny..thinking of you!

Cynay

Ohhhh thanks for the reminder... Let us know how it goes.

Just think of all of us Codies right behind you cheering you on!

Pick-a-name

(((Denny)))