Yet another newbie introduction - needing to vent

Old 10-05-2006, 03:48 AM
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Yet another newbie introduction - needing to vent

I'm sure this is a broken record to many of you... A year ago (almost to the day!) I fell hopelessly and maddeningly in love with a man via the internet. It was a vampire as such, sucking from me my determination and will. In that fury and excitement and hope for a life without worry (financial), I abandoned all I had known and loved; a drive and job as a freelance writer as well as an ostensibly loving relationship with a man who had nothing going for himself (no driver's license, no education, no potential for anything beyond minimum wage, etc.). For the first time in my adult life, I was presented with someone with education, class (speaks 5 languages), charm (too much for my own good apparently), and resources (can I not admit that his modicum of wealth was an attraction?).

The rub? Kevin is an alcoholic. Have you heard this before? I am the daughter and granddaughter of alcoholics. My mother was verbally abusive and my grandfather (whom I never met), ironically worked with Elliot Ness (yes, the Untouchables!), but in Pittsburgh - the one place where the Untouchables were unsuccessful; they found the bootleg but only to take it home and drink it!

To put it succinctly, I have fallen desperately in love with someone I beginning to dislike because of who he becomes when he drinks -- I suppose that is the Gemini in me; an ability to put myself in two dichotomous positions at once. I feel like Evelyn Nesbit trapped in a gilded cage, not knowing to whom I can turn or what to do with myself.

I am an enabler and I realize it. Having a slightly polarized personality myself, I see only two choices; continuing the life I have begun with him and dealing with his addiction, or leaving him. I have spoken with his mother about conducting an intervention, so I suppose there is a third choice.

I have spoken with Kevin about attending AA meetings; he has already done 3 months jail time and 9 months house arrest for a DUI (all of which involved al-anon). He refuses. The son of a murder victim, he has anxiety attacks and claims he only has two choices: self-medication with alcohol or a useless drug-induced state on Klonopin. Many times he does both; takes a Klonopin in the morning but then continues to drink all day.

I suppose my next step is to find al-anon meetings, huh? I have never been to one. I remember my mother going to 28-day programs and being told to leave after five or ten, "We can't help you Mrs. XXXX." I watched my father enable my mother for their 55 year marriage. Begging him to leave her, I now understand how love for a person ties you to them, despite what they do to themselves or those around them.

I met Kevin a year ago and three months into our relationship, my father passed away (this last February), just over a year after my mother did. I have lost both of my parents in the past 18 months and cry that I am alone in this with no one to turn to. "You've made your decision, Carolyn, deal with it..." is what I hear from my sisters. We were never a family that discussed problems at all, let alone my mother's alcoholism. They met Kevin for the first time at my father's funeral and he arrived there intoxicated (not falling down drunk, but embarassingly enough to be noticeable). Since then, they have essentially wiped their hands of me.

I've ranted enough. Thanks for listening. I'm gonna click around and read others' posts and hopefully gain some strength from other survivors.

Oh yeah - and one last thing -- the real rub about my previous life's existence/job? I was/am a food and WINE writer.
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Old 10-05-2006, 04:04 AM
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Hi Carolyn and welcome to this forum. You are definately not alone in this. There are many, out there and in here at SR, that have experienced what you are going through. I, too, live with an Alcoholic....and we have a child together, so I do understand about why some people stay.

What helped me to not lose sight of "me" and what I need from life is the alanon meetings and hanging around here at SR.

You cannot change who he is or what he does. You cannot make him want to stop drinking or even make him see that he has a problem to begin with. All you can do is change what and how you react to him and his drinking. Living your life and getting enjoyment out of it despite what he does. Changing your center of focus from him back to you and your needs.

Stick around and read and keep posting.
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Old 10-05-2006, 04:08 AM
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Welcome ! ! ! I too am an enabler and have only been posting for about a week here. The people here are awesome ! They understand and are honest. They keep me grounded. I am married to an alcoholic husband and have an apartment scheduled to be available to me on Oct 14th....but I have been having second thoughts, of course. I go today to talk to a therapist. I need one. My sympathies to you about your parents. My mother passed away in August of this year and I feel like I have been hit by a big piece of steel. I found her unresponsive , they had her on life support for 4 days, and then took that off of her. It took two more days for her to pass.

Read as many posts as you can ! ! I am, and it helps . The stickys at the top are very helpful readings. Suggest some books to read.

Don't forget, you have not caused his problems, he is. You need to look out and take care of yourself. You are the only one that will. You are a strong person that will get through this difficult time.
Talk to you later.
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Old 10-05-2006, 06:06 AM
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You have had a tough year, so sorry. I hope that you will find the strength and take the steps you need to get some peace and sanity for yourself. I really wish I had found Alanon sooner, and read all the books sooner, but better late than never. Do yourself a favor and find an Alanon meeting, and read some of the books posted on the “stickys”.
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Old 10-05-2006, 06:14 AM
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I can't really add anything to what the others have said. Just wanted to say welcome, glad you found us, but sorry you are here, If you know what I mean.
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Old 10-05-2006, 06:22 AM
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Hi and welcome!!!
I dont know what kind of recovery program that youre Mom went to.,that they said she couldnt be helped.But in Al-anon we are never[although some will,lol} to tell another to leave,or not to leave.Its all about ones own recovery.Working the 12 steps,in order to make clearer decisions for ourselves.I cant say enough good things about Al-anon.its one great recovery program!!!!
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Old 10-05-2006, 07:22 AM
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Welcome! I'm brand new here, too. I'm sorry for the tough year you've had and that your family is not being supportive. I understand all too well what that is like so my heart really goes out to you.

Tiffany
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Old 10-05-2006, 09:57 AM
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I am already thankful for finding this site and for everyone's good wishes.

I have discovered an organization called Moderation.org which might be a better first step for Kevin and I than Al-Anon. At least it is a place for ME to start.

In regards to my mother, I saw her drink moderately and contain herself for eight to ten months at a stretch -- then she would binge and it would get bad. If I could have that with Kevin (instead of the every four to six week binge), I would be very, very happy.

Again, thank you all!
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Old 10-05-2006, 10:25 AM
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Just wanted to add my warm welcome to SR.....

I look forward to getting to know you.
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