Surviving Significant Loss
Guest
Posts: n/a
Surviving Significant Loss
We live by losing and leaving and letting go. And sooner or later, with more or less pain, we must all come to know that loss is indeed a lifelong human condition.
-- Judith Viorst
Life changes that involve significant loss--the death of a loved one, divorce, career crises, decline in health, or other irreversible and unwanted situations--evoke a natural emotional and behavioral response called grief. Making it through the grieving process--learning how to live with a significant loss--necessitates hard and very often painful emotional work over a period of many months or even years.
When someone is permanently deprived of something they love, the loss can affect their very identity, for instance, how they perceive their role as a husband, wife, parent, son or daughter. Often the loss brings a sudden and unsettling change in life’s basic circumstances (such as a marked decline in financial means, having to live alone, or not being able to continue to live in a familiar setting) that can provoke extreme levels of anxiety or depression.
Throughout the grieving process, it’s important that the individual not judge themselves harshly or measure their experience against what they think they “should be” feeling or how they imagine others expect them to be acting. There is no one way to grieve—and certainly no one right way. People’s coping strategies vary and can be influenced by many factors that are exclusive to each situation. In addition to cultural and religious beliefs, these factors can include the nature of the attachment to the lost loved one, the circumstances of the loss (for example, was it unexpected, the result of violence, or the culmination of a long illness), previous experiences with loss, and the availability of others to extend caring support.
Phases of Grief
Following the death of a loved one or the loss of a critical relationship (for instance, through divorce), it can seem as though the intense, sometimes overwhelming, and often conflicting physical and emotional reactions completely take over a person’s life. Many find that it can take up to a year to experience the deepest aspects of the grieving process and begin coming to terms with their loss. Understanding that there are natural and commonly experienced symptoms and “phases” of grief can often help. Although there are certainly variations in the intensity, duration and highly personal nature of each person’s experience, most go through the following three phases:
Shock and/or denial
Emotional and physical pain
Reorganization and integration
It is very important to understand that these phases are by no means experienced as a linear 1-2-3 sequence. Most people find that the phases frequently overlap and often re-occur (sometimes quite unexpectedly) as they mourn their loss and in their own time change the relation to their loss from “presence” to “memory.”
Shock and/or Denial
A sense of numbness or disbelief weighs heavily on the grief-stricken individual. Many later describe having a “flat” or “empty” feeling, some say their mind felt “closed” and they were unable to accept all or even part of what had just occurred, and still others describe having felt completely detached, as if the experience of loss was happening to someone else.
Emotional and Physical Pain
People often describe this phase of grief as a seemingly never-ending roller coaster ride of emotions and physical reactions. Throughout the first year, as birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays that hold special meaning come up, it is not uncommon to become repeatedly overcome by levels of emotional and physical pain that can feel nearly as intense as when the loss first occurred.
Commonly experienced emotional symptoms include:
Depression
Despair
Confusion
Irritability
Rage
Guilt
Loneliness
Distraction or preoccupation
Passivity, a sense that “life has lost all meaning”
“Out of the blue” crying jags
Many people express such feelings as “a part of me has died,” or “I wish I was dead, too.” During this phase it is also not uncommon to feel angry with those one feels are “responsible” for the loss, including God, physicians, or even the loved one who has died.
Commonly experienced physical reactions include:
Decreased energy and extreme fatigue
Loss of appetite (or in some cases, eating excessively in an attempt to fill a void)
Anxiety that can manifest in hyperventilation or panic attacks
Shaking, tremors
Memory loss
Specific aches and pains, such as headaches, abdominal discomfort, back aches, or a stiff neck that are unrelated to any medical problem
Tendency to push self to extremes at work, school or in a demanding exercise regime
Reorganization and Integration
While sadness, pain and disbelief may continue, the individual progressively comes to terms with the reality of their loss and finds they are gradually more able to develop renewed interest in work, family, friends and life in general.
Getting the Necessary Help
Time can be a great healer. However, crucial to recovering a sense of self and learning to live with loss is the ability to acknowledge and openly share grief’s full range of thoughts and emotions. Friends and family can often prove to be invaluable support systems. But often it is difficult for the grieving person to know how to understand what they are feeling or to feel safe expressing their thoughts (even to best friends) during the vulnerable period of trying to adjust to the reality of their loss. For many, even those who have never before sought therapy, sharing what’s going on with a therapist provides the essential opportunity to gain the insight needed to most effectively work through the painful grieving process and come to terms with their loss.
-- Judith Viorst
Life changes that involve significant loss--the death of a loved one, divorce, career crises, decline in health, or other irreversible and unwanted situations--evoke a natural emotional and behavioral response called grief. Making it through the grieving process--learning how to live with a significant loss--necessitates hard and very often painful emotional work over a period of many months or even years.
When someone is permanently deprived of something they love, the loss can affect their very identity, for instance, how they perceive their role as a husband, wife, parent, son or daughter. Often the loss brings a sudden and unsettling change in life’s basic circumstances (such as a marked decline in financial means, having to live alone, or not being able to continue to live in a familiar setting) that can provoke extreme levels of anxiety or depression.
Throughout the grieving process, it’s important that the individual not judge themselves harshly or measure their experience against what they think they “should be” feeling or how they imagine others expect them to be acting. There is no one way to grieve—and certainly no one right way. People’s coping strategies vary and can be influenced by many factors that are exclusive to each situation. In addition to cultural and religious beliefs, these factors can include the nature of the attachment to the lost loved one, the circumstances of the loss (for example, was it unexpected, the result of violence, or the culmination of a long illness), previous experiences with loss, and the availability of others to extend caring support.
Phases of Grief
Following the death of a loved one or the loss of a critical relationship (for instance, through divorce), it can seem as though the intense, sometimes overwhelming, and often conflicting physical and emotional reactions completely take over a person’s life. Many find that it can take up to a year to experience the deepest aspects of the grieving process and begin coming to terms with their loss. Understanding that there are natural and commonly experienced symptoms and “phases” of grief can often help. Although there are certainly variations in the intensity, duration and highly personal nature of each person’s experience, most go through the following three phases:
Shock and/or denial
Emotional and physical pain
Reorganization and integration
It is very important to understand that these phases are by no means experienced as a linear 1-2-3 sequence. Most people find that the phases frequently overlap and often re-occur (sometimes quite unexpectedly) as they mourn their loss and in their own time change the relation to their loss from “presence” to “memory.”
Shock and/or Denial
A sense of numbness or disbelief weighs heavily on the grief-stricken individual. Many later describe having a “flat” or “empty” feeling, some say their mind felt “closed” and they were unable to accept all or even part of what had just occurred, and still others describe having felt completely detached, as if the experience of loss was happening to someone else.
Emotional and Physical Pain
People often describe this phase of grief as a seemingly never-ending roller coaster ride of emotions and physical reactions. Throughout the first year, as birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays that hold special meaning come up, it is not uncommon to become repeatedly overcome by levels of emotional and physical pain that can feel nearly as intense as when the loss first occurred.
Commonly experienced emotional symptoms include:
Depression
Despair
Confusion
Irritability
Rage
Guilt
Loneliness
Distraction or preoccupation
Passivity, a sense that “life has lost all meaning”
“Out of the blue” crying jags
Many people express such feelings as “a part of me has died,” or “I wish I was dead, too.” During this phase it is also not uncommon to feel angry with those one feels are “responsible” for the loss, including God, physicians, or even the loved one who has died.
Commonly experienced physical reactions include:
Decreased energy and extreme fatigue
Loss of appetite (or in some cases, eating excessively in an attempt to fill a void)
Anxiety that can manifest in hyperventilation or panic attacks
Shaking, tremors
Memory loss
Specific aches and pains, such as headaches, abdominal discomfort, back aches, or a stiff neck that are unrelated to any medical problem
Tendency to push self to extremes at work, school or in a demanding exercise regime
Reorganization and Integration
While sadness, pain and disbelief may continue, the individual progressively comes to terms with the reality of their loss and finds they are gradually more able to develop renewed interest in work, family, friends and life in general.
Getting the Necessary Help
Time can be a great healer. However, crucial to recovering a sense of self and learning to live with loss is the ability to acknowledge and openly share grief’s full range of thoughts and emotions. Friends and family can often prove to be invaluable support systems. But often it is difficult for the grieving person to know how to understand what they are feeling or to feel safe expressing their thoughts (even to best friends) during the vulnerable period of trying to adjust to the reality of their loss. For many, even those who have never before sought therapy, sharing what’s going on with a therapist provides the essential opportunity to gain the insight needed to most effectively work through the painful grieving process and come to terms with their loss.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Thank you again.
It seems it IS a never ending process.
I get angry at being robbed of so much of my life by the grieving in addition to the actual losses.
I am tired of feeling weak and like I am making excuses for myself.
I think part of me did die and mostly I am just tired.
I went through it all again today, triggered by Dayna's miscarriage. Even worse than the actual suicide and grief is an overwhelming HORROR of seeing what was happening and crying, pleading, begging, screaming ....and being discounted....
Just as this week I called her dad to tell him to arrange babysitting she needed help. He didn't do it.
Sometimes I just want to grab people by the lapels and YELL in pain and fury "HOW MANY FUNERALS DO YOU HAVE TO GO TO?"
And, I thank all of you here. Because when I have told you I was in trouble you believed me. That means alot. It means a whole lot.
When I told you I was not safe because of A, not once did you tell me I was paranoid or minimize it in anyway.
Thank you.
It seems it IS a never ending process.
I get angry at being robbed of so much of my life by the grieving in addition to the actual losses.
I am tired of feeling weak and like I am making excuses for myself.
I think part of me did die and mostly I am just tired.
I went through it all again today, triggered by Dayna's miscarriage. Even worse than the actual suicide and grief is an overwhelming HORROR of seeing what was happening and crying, pleading, begging, screaming ....and being discounted....
Just as this week I called her dad to tell him to arrange babysitting she needed help. He didn't do it.
Sometimes I just want to grab people by the lapels and YELL in pain and fury "HOW MANY FUNERALS DO YOU HAVE TO GO TO?"
And, I thank all of you here. Because when I have told you I was in trouble you believed me. That means alot. It means a whole lot.
When I told you I was not safe because of A, not once did you tell me I was paranoid or minimize it in anyway.
Thank you.
Guest
Posts: n/a
live,
I'm sorry.
It does feel like something inside dies. I'm not sure what that's all about. Sometimes it just feels like there is no care left. It's just too risky to care. Living life on life's terms makes me very angry at times. It's just too terrible to watch loved ones leave our lives. The pain and the suffering is just too much sometimes.
I'm sorry for your grief. I'm sorry you had to go through all of this. Know that we all care and you're not ever alone.
That's why I love it here.
Hugs,
MG
I'm sorry.
It does feel like something inside dies. I'm not sure what that's all about. Sometimes it just feels like there is no care left. It's just too risky to care. Living life on life's terms makes me very angry at times. It's just too terrible to watch loved ones leave our lives. The pain and the suffering is just too much sometimes. I'm sorry for your grief. I'm sorry you had to go through all of this. Know that we all care and you're not ever alone.
That's why I love it here.
Hugs,
MG
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Yeah.
You and I both know what it is like to lose by suicide and then have it a constant threat with other family.
It colors everything, how could it not?
Another thing we share is stubborness ( a determination to not go down) and the desire to learn.
But if I ever hear another person say to me "to whom much is given, much will be required." I am going to punch them in the mouth
If nothing else I will spite the nose off my face in my determination to follow my motto that living well is the best revenge.....or die trying!
all love to you....and boy am I cheering for your business plan!!!!
live
You and I both know what it is like to lose by suicide and then have it a constant threat with other family.
It colors everything, how could it not?
Another thing we share is stubborness ( a determination to not go down) and the desire to learn.
But if I ever hear another person say to me "to whom much is given, much will be required." I am going to punch them in the mouth
If nothing else I will spite the nose off my face in my determination to follow my motto that living well is the best revenge.....or die trying!
all love to you....and boy am I cheering for your business plan!!!!
live
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Dreaming Summer
Posts: 821
Sometimes I feel adrift in a strange sea.
Wait...I've always felt that way :bojo:
Sometimes I feel adrift in a different strange sea.
First the loss of the man I call my RPL (Riding Partner Love).
I'm 41...boyfriend just doesn't feel right and SO sounds like a Social Services designation.(signifigant other what????)
I know...ya gotta call people something,but the Irish in me won't let words be as casual as they sometimes should be
Then the recent death of my boy's dad.He lived here but we had been separated for many years.He came here after he was diagnosed with lung cancer and for two years I took care of him.
And the distant and remote news that my most long term abusive ex had died.A strange feeling.Relief and grief and confusion.
Part of me cries out,"How can a 41 year old woman have outlived three partners?!?!?"
Part of me just feels shell shocked and numb.
I am supposed to go to a support group for Young Partner Loss through Hospice.In my heart I wonder if they will all be black clad widows with clean cut traditional grief to endure.I fear I will not fit in.I don't want to have to explain myself to anyone.
I can type words...close my eyes...hold my breath and click them into being on the screen.I can clutch my coffee cup tight in both hands,again holding my breath,and read the replies.
But I can't talk to people face to face.
Why is it so hard to speak? So terrifying to face being heard?
I share more here than I do with people I've known for years
I know they care.They ask how I am and I say I am doing fine.We talk of surface feelings a little but nothing more.
Sorry...I know I built the walls.I just wish sometimes that I hadn't built them so well.
phoenix
Wait...I've always felt that way :bojo:
Sometimes I feel adrift in a different strange sea.
First the loss of the man I call my RPL (Riding Partner Love).
I'm 41...boyfriend just doesn't feel right and SO sounds like a Social Services designation.(signifigant other what????)
I know...ya gotta call people something,but the Irish in me won't let words be as casual as they sometimes should be
Then the recent death of my boy's dad.He lived here but we had been separated for many years.He came here after he was diagnosed with lung cancer and for two years I took care of him.
And the distant and remote news that my most long term abusive ex had died.A strange feeling.Relief and grief and confusion.
Part of me cries out,"How can a 41 year old woman have outlived three partners?!?!?"
Part of me just feels shell shocked and numb.
I am supposed to go to a support group for Young Partner Loss through Hospice.In my heart I wonder if they will all be black clad widows with clean cut traditional grief to endure.I fear I will not fit in.I don't want to have to explain myself to anyone.
I can type words...close my eyes...hold my breath and click them into being on the screen.I can clutch my coffee cup tight in both hands,again holding my breath,and read the replies.
But I can't talk to people face to face.
Why is it so hard to speak? So terrifying to face being heard?
I share more here than I do with people I've known for years
I know they care.They ask how I am and I say I am doing fine.We talk of surface feelings a little but nothing more.
Sorry...I know I built the walls.I just wish sometimes that I hadn't built them so well.
phoenix
Guest
Posts: n/a
My kids and I had a bad crisis last year. I finally decided I would go talk to my daughter's therapist because I was cracking under the strain. My daughter called her before I went and told her how she had to treat me so I wouldn't walk out. That poor woman walked on egg shells the first few visits.
She turned out to be very good and I talked to her for a couple of months and then quit going. She is actually one of the few people I could open up with a little.
Give it a try and if it doesn't work, move on. If they're not real then you won't be able to be real.
Hugs,
MG
She turned out to be very good and I talked to her for a couple of months and then quit going. She is actually one of the few people I could open up with a little.
Give it a try and if it doesn't work, move on. If they're not real then you won't be able to be real.
Hugs,
MG
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Dreaming Summer
Posts: 821
My son's counselor... a grief specialist...offered to talk to me once.
I suppose I should go,
I never got far in counseling before.Maybe I just hadn't hit bottom with regard to emotions.Thanks for listening...
phoenix
I suppose I should go,
I never got far in counseling before.Maybe I just hadn't hit bottom with regard to emotions.Thanks for listening...
phoenix
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Dreaming Summer
Posts: 821
This came as part of a daily recovery reading I get via e-mail.I kind of liked parts of it.HP giving me what I need when I need it...
phoenix
Comfort For Those Who Mourn
by Marianist Mission
So many people see in death nothing but a cruel separation
from loved ones. Even good and religious people make that
sad mistake.
In death there is certainly the very real pain and sorrow
of physical separation. But it is equally true that our loved
ones remain with us. They do not just go off to some dark
and distant place. They simply continue into eternal life.
We do not see them because we are still in the darkness
of this world. But their spiritual eyes, filled with the light
of heaven, are always watching us as they wait for the day
when we shall share their perfect joy. We are born for
heaven and we end this life of tears to begin our life of
endless happiness.
I have often reflected upon this beautiful truth and found
it the greatest and surest comfort in time of mourning. A
firm faith in the real and continual presence of our loved
ones has brought the conviction and consolation that death
has not destroyed them, nor carried them away. Rather it
has given them life! A life with power to know fully and to
love perfectly. With this new life and new power our loved
ones are always present to us, knowing and loving us more
than ever before. The tears that dampen our eyes in times
of mourning are tears of homesickness, tears of longing for
our loved ones. But it is we who are away from home, not they!
Death has been for them a doorway to an eternal home. They
are still with us, lovingly and tenderly waiting for the day when
we, too, will enter the doorway of our eternal home. It is such
a mistake to see death as separation and nothing more. For
us who believe, death is a preparation for eternal union with
those we love, in the peace and joy of heaven.
phoenix
Comfort For Those Who Mourn
by Marianist Mission
So many people see in death nothing but a cruel separation
from loved ones. Even good and religious people make that
sad mistake.
In death there is certainly the very real pain and sorrow
of physical separation. But it is equally true that our loved
ones remain with us. They do not just go off to some dark
and distant place. They simply continue into eternal life.
We do not see them because we are still in the darkness
of this world. But their spiritual eyes, filled with the light
of heaven, are always watching us as they wait for the day
when we shall share their perfect joy. We are born for
heaven and we end this life of tears to begin our life of
endless happiness.
I have often reflected upon this beautiful truth and found
it the greatest and surest comfort in time of mourning. A
firm faith in the real and continual presence of our loved
ones has brought the conviction and consolation that death
has not destroyed them, nor carried them away. Rather it
has given them life! A life with power to know fully and to
love perfectly. With this new life and new power our loved
ones are always present to us, knowing and loving us more
than ever before. The tears that dampen our eyes in times
of mourning are tears of homesickness, tears of longing for
our loved ones. But it is we who are away from home, not they!
Death has been for them a doorway to an eternal home. They
are still with us, lovingly and tenderly waiting for the day when
we, too, will enter the doorway of our eternal home. It is such
a mistake to see death as separation and nothing more. For
us who believe, death is a preparation for eternal union with
those we love, in the peace and joy of heaven.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
