Crystal Gypsy

I think I've officially lost my mind. I'm dealing with so much.

I used to be quite the social butterfly. Being in the entertainment business, it's half making the rounds to the parties and schmooing. I'm quite good at it, but less so since I stopped drinking.

I stopped drinking because I was assaulted and raped and I'm now on several different medications for PTSD. I still see the creep about 3 x a week and he has told everyone I'm crazy and a liar and about half the scene we both work in believe him. So much so that I lost my job because of it. My friends, one who even picked me up from the hospital, have turned on me and no longer speak to me. All I have right now is my boyfriend, who is a sweetheart, but doesnt always understand. He also likes to go out, and is frustrated that, 14 months later, I still want to stay in.

My grandfather died yesterday and I can't go to the funeral because I'm broke from losing my job and can't afford the ticket, and because my doctor needs to see me to monitor my drugs. Since he sees me for free, it has to be on his schedule.

I am not myself. I feel like lying in bed and crying and out there the world keeps on turning and moving forward and I'm stuck here in this same spot.

I just want to feel normal. I just want to feel good about being me again.

And the drugs don't seem to work...

junem

I understand what you are going through. My prayers are with you. Sorry for your loss.

Morning Glory

I'm sorry that you lost your grandfather. Maybe you could set some time aside to have a private memorial in your home so you can find some closure and say your goodbyes.

Have you been to sexual abuse counseling concerning the rape and crime committed against you? Sitting there alone with all your emotions and fears is not good for you. If you could force yourself to get into counseling as hard as that is it would help. This person robbed you of many, many things internally and externally. He got to walk away from it unharmed. That leaves us with a feeling of helplessness. Working through it and regaining your inner power will get you back out there and help you regain your life.

I went through a few years of being afraid to go out. PTSD is horrible. There is a lot of help available. I hope you can muster up enough strength to reach out.

We're here and talking helps so please feel free to keep sharing.

Hugs,
MG

Don W

Hi Crystal, Sorry for your loss. I'm sure your grandfather would understand. I also believe that along with God, he sees you trying to stay sober. I understand that it is difficult to do this. Like you said, "half believe him" try to focus on the half a that don't. You can't change him, what happened or how people think. However, you can change how you deal with your PTSD. Sexual Abuse Counseling opened the door of recovery for me. I was trying to treat both with one brush. Although, the PTSD and alcoholism played on each other seperating the treatment is working. Many times, in my case anyway, it wasn't so much the abuse that bothers me, but my perception of it. Like yourself, I was convinced that everyone knew, everyone like myself blamed me. And, this for years wore on my mind. I even got to the point of my mind adjusting the situation so that I also, questioned my role in the sexual abuse. My abuse, is different but, the feeling you talk about are the same. I had to learn that I was a child, 6-8 years old. For years I looked back in shame as an adult, forgetting I had no ability to stop it at that age. Like Morning Glory said, I feel you need to find a way to get out or at least have people come in. I fear that by you staying in this person is still in control even if only in his mind. You've got to find a way to take control and you guide your future and recovery. Shame, guilt and lonelyness are terrible room mates. Kick them out. Keep posting and talking to us. We can help support and encourage you. Many here have experenced the same and worse, so don't hold back and suffer in silence. Don W