Girl1101

My first ever thread here had to do with almost getting involved with an addict, knew him for a month, very proud self-proclaimed pot head, and probably did other substances that he didn't tell me about. The relationship didn't move forward, but my trust issues are through the roof because of the extremely believable lies and then the sudden disappearance of him.

Before that, about 2 months ago, I came out of a 4 year relationship with someone else. He was an alcoholic and he cheated on me with a coworker. This guy called the cops on me when I told him I never want to be with him again. Cops didn't do anything to me, and left me alone.

I have always been ignorant about addiction in people until now. I have read the most moving and most inspiring stories, and this forum has a wealth of knowledge. I can't even begin to imagine what most of you have gone through in your lives. Your stories have been deeply touching and have made me come back everyday to read and empathize.

I have never done drugs or drank (except in college) but I stopped that about 6 years ago and I've never been addicted nor had problems with substance abuse ever.

But I have been recently forced to look into the mirror. What is it about me that keeps driving me towards or being attracted towards people like this. I don't feel like I have accomplished much in my own life. The last 4 years have revolved around trying to figure out what's wrong with me because of addicts in my life, or just plain catering to an addict in my life. I do feel a big void that I have been trying to fill with the love of an addict?

I'm free of relationships right now. I don't want to be in one for awhile. I want to finally focus on myself. Something I have never done before and I don't know where to start. I don't even know if I'm posting in the right forum.

I have been in No Contact from the ghoster/pothead for 3 weeks now. For the last week I have sat down on my chair with a notebook and a pen and tried to write away my worries and frustrations and mind-mess just to figure out my goals and desires that I want to achieve in my life.

Some days I just stare at my notebook, some days I just scribble down thoughts of how I'm feeling or what these people made me feel. I really can't seem to get anywhere. I have been doing this for a week.

I realized something though. I kept thinking hard, what is keeping me from achieving my goals and dreams? I'm always trying to be there for someone or something. I have always put other people forward before myself that I completely forgot how to think about myself. And now when I'm forcing myself to think about making myself happy----my mind is blanking.

After clearing out my mind-mess on a notebook for about a good 2 weeks. I finally realized what I want for myself: I want to learn how to snowboard, been a dream of mine for such a long time and I've never attempted it. I guess that's a start. Right? My happiest times were when I was an independent adventurer, trying out cool new things. I think I should explore that more.

It makes me sad though, because I don't know how to achieve that goal. I live with my mom, who has been grieving the loss of my father. She was extremely dependent on him, now she depends on her kids. Now I'm torn between being there for my mom and trying to set off on my own to do something for myself. I hate sounding selfish, but I feel so torn right now. (Once again I'm putting other people before myself). I tried to move away but her texting me made me feel so guilty, and sometimes she would cry because shes worried. Now I'm back home again. She's happy but I'm not. I'm cringing because I sound so selfish.

I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm stuck. Sorry if I didn't post in the correct thread or if this post sounds confusing but I truly have no idea what to do with my life. Every time I think about myself I feel this heavy guilt that makes me let go of that dream, but I'm back to square 1. Just having no idea what to do.

Astro

I'm sorry to hear you're going through so many difficulties and struggles, relationships are so very difficult but from your use of the words "No Contact" it seems to me like you have a grasp of unhealthy behaviors and codependency, and the desire for a healthier life. We can achieve our goals and dreams with self care.

How about checking out and posting in the Relationships forum here? I wish you the best in your continuing recovery.

SoberCAH

Thanks for sharing your experiences and feelings.

There is a world of healthy people out there without having a relationship with a drunk or a junkie.