Feeling blue
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Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: laughing at my avatar
Posts: 1,636
Feeling blue
:stups:
today i did not have a very good day. things just went all wrong. i found something interesting though, some music is a trigger for me and that is why i know my evening will improve. however, i had some fleeting moments that i considered commiting myself to a hospital. but whats new, those thoughts will never completely go away so i should have known they were coming. i am concerned though because i really feel blue although i am able to keep a positive outside (so that means im doing better than before). its circumstantial and related to ptsd and some dreams i have been having and this day just was not very good.
i can see that i handle things better though. instead of getting into more self harm, i just felt sad and am waiting it out although i wished i had the option of self harm. sometimes the self harm thoughts are very overpowering which makes me want to be in outpatient treatment of some form because its scary to feel i have no control over those thoughts. so many of my problems like the self harm and eating issues are linked to my reactions to my stress that comes from me not dealing with past trauma or baggage. and a lot of things have happened in the past month but i am sure i will be fine.
thanks for letting me share. i hope i feel less blue soon as im sure i will. i have an apt with a psych on the 18th of october to get meds adjusted so i am feeling good about that. even though i feel a stigma because i sometimes feel that being dissociative and having trauma issues is something i should just be able to fix on my own. thats not true though. also because i have other problems it would be much too complicated for me to even begin to fix on my own. my psychologist is very supportive of me and she is very gentle. she helped me sort out the drug induced problems from the mental problems from the trauma problems from my screwed up family problems. its nice to know the cutting, eating issues, drugs, and alcohol were just me acting out because i needed help with the other underlying problems. even though the acting out problems now are sometimes daily struggles. i am just one big heap of issues, but it is okay because i am going to be okay. i am so grateful for this site and for the help my doctors are giving me. its quite a load to take on by myself, and i need all the help i can get.
longboarder
today i did not have a very good day. things just went all wrong. i found something interesting though, some music is a trigger for me and that is why i know my evening will improve. however, i had some fleeting moments that i considered commiting myself to a hospital. but whats new, those thoughts will never completely go away so i should have known they were coming. i am concerned though because i really feel blue although i am able to keep a positive outside (so that means im doing better than before). its circumstantial and related to ptsd and some dreams i have been having and this day just was not very good.
i can see that i handle things better though. instead of getting into more self harm, i just felt sad and am waiting it out although i wished i had the option of self harm. sometimes the self harm thoughts are very overpowering which makes me want to be in outpatient treatment of some form because its scary to feel i have no control over those thoughts. so many of my problems like the self harm and eating issues are linked to my reactions to my stress that comes from me not dealing with past trauma or baggage. and a lot of things have happened in the past month but i am sure i will be fine.
thanks for letting me share. i hope i feel less blue soon as im sure i will. i have an apt with a psych on the 18th of october to get meds adjusted so i am feeling good about that. even though i feel a stigma because i sometimes feel that being dissociative and having trauma issues is something i should just be able to fix on my own. thats not true though. also because i have other problems it would be much too complicated for me to even begin to fix on my own. my psychologist is very supportive of me and she is very gentle. she helped me sort out the drug induced problems from the mental problems from the trauma problems from my screwed up family problems. its nice to know the cutting, eating issues, drugs, and alcohol were just me acting out because i needed help with the other underlying problems. even though the acting out problems now are sometimes daily struggles. i am just one big heap of issues, but it is okay because i am going to be okay. i am so grateful for this site and for the help my doctors are giving me. its quite a load to take on by myself, and i need all the help i can get.
longboarder
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longboarder,
I used to have all kinds of problems and I don't have them now. You will get past all of this. We cope the best we can until we learn new coping methods. Floating through things is a good coping method that I use still. I know that in 24 hours my mental state will change. I know that I can make it 24 hours.
I used to have those half awake, half asleep night terror dreams. They were really awful. They finally went away. My panic attacks went away. My emotional pain went away. I felt so hopeless at the time. You learn new coping methods every day just by living through these ups and downs. You are getting stronger every day even if you can't see the progress.
I'm so glad you have good support. I get caught in the paranoid thinking and fear sometimes still. I just talk a lot to myself and that helps me get through it. I really feel it if I drink to much caffeine or smoke too much. Lack of sleep also sends me into a spin.
Keep telling yourself you can do this a day at a time.
Hugs,
MG
I used to have all kinds of problems and I don't have them now. You will get past all of this. We cope the best we can until we learn new coping methods. Floating through things is a good coping method that I use still. I know that in 24 hours my mental state will change. I know that I can make it 24 hours.
I used to have those half awake, half asleep night terror dreams. They were really awful. They finally went away. My panic attacks went away. My emotional pain went away. I felt so hopeless at the time. You learn new coping methods every day just by living through these ups and downs. You are getting stronger every day even if you can't see the progress.
I'm so glad you have good support. I get caught in the paranoid thinking and fear sometimes still. I just talk a lot to myself and that helps me get through it. I really feel it if I drink to much caffeine or smoke too much. Lack of sleep also sends me into a spin.
Keep telling yourself you can do this a day at a time.
Hugs,
MG
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: laughing at my avatar
Posts: 1,636
thank you morning glory,
i can now see that it does change daily. thats better than it just seeming to be bad all the time and not knowing what is going on. i can see the same positive change in some of my acting out behaviors like eating problems. i have good days and i actually notice them.
the dreams have also improved. well, they are pretty violent but i am the one doing the violence. i end up shooting all the males who violated me. at first i think they are going to hurt me then i realize ive got a huge gun in my hands and i just go around in a circle and blow them away. the only thing is they keep coming back, haha. but at least even in my dreams im taking action right? i am going to discuss the violence with my psychologist though. i dont like to think of myself killing people!
you are right, i am very fortunate to have so much help and support! yesterday i spent all day at court ordered classes. well at least into the early afternoon. and i felt good because i was doing what i was supposed to and learning new things. i am feeling good about my meds as well. the stigma is beginning to lift. if there is a medicine that could help me not be so paranoid/psychotic/angry i now figure, why not take it! my mom is kind enough to always remind me i am not crazy. and that i am in fact real *wink*.
thanks for letting me share,
lb :rose
i can now see that it does change daily. thats better than it just seeming to be bad all the time and not knowing what is going on. i can see the same positive change in some of my acting out behaviors like eating problems. i have good days and i actually notice them.
the dreams have also improved. well, they are pretty violent but i am the one doing the violence. i end up shooting all the males who violated me. at first i think they are going to hurt me then i realize ive got a huge gun in my hands and i just go around in a circle and blow them away. the only thing is they keep coming back, haha. but at least even in my dreams im taking action right? i am going to discuss the violence with my psychologist though. i dont like to think of myself killing people!
you are right, i am very fortunate to have so much help and support! yesterday i spent all day at court ordered classes. well at least into the early afternoon. and i felt good because i was doing what i was supposed to and learning new things. i am feeling good about my meds as well. the stigma is beginning to lift. if there is a medicine that could help me not be so paranoid/psychotic/angry i now figure, why not take it! my mom is kind enough to always remind me i am not crazy. and that i am in fact real *wink*.
thanks for letting me share,
lb :rose
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I don't see you as psychotic.
Paranoia and anger are symptoms of PTSD.
Symptoms of PTSD
Re-experienced horrifying event
The horrifying event must be distressing to most people
Reaction persists for at least one month
One or more of the following:
Intrusive recollection of the event
Recurrent dreams of the event
Waves of feeling that the event is happening again
Distress as a result of any reminder of the event
Three or more of the following:
Attempts at avoiding any thought or feeling about the event
Attempts at avoiding activities, etc. that remind of the event
"Psychogenic amnesia" of the event
Diminished interest in meaningful activities
Detachment from others
Reduced activity
Sense of impending doom
Two or more of the following:
Difficulty sleeping
Irritability or increased anger
Concentration and attention disorders
Hypervigilance or paranoia
Increased response upon being startled
Additional features that may be present
Depression
Sexual dysfunction
Guilt
Obsession
Addiction (substance abuse)
It took me a very long time, but I was finally able to look within myself when I had any of these symptoms. The one I still have the most trouble with is shame. I still project my shame onto others and really struggle to get it back onto just me and deal with it or ride it through until it passes.
Here is the definition of Hypervigilance
Main Entry: hy·per·vig·i·lance
Pronunciation: -'vij-&-l&n(t)s
Function: noun
: the condition of maintaining an abnormal awareness of environmental stimuli <post-traumatic stress syndrome, marked by symptoms like frequent nightmares and repetitive anxiety dreams, insomnia, intrusive disturbing thoughts, hypervigilance and being easily startled.
PTSD can cause those who have it to act as if they are constantly threatened by the trauma that caused their illness. They can become suddenly irritable or explosive, even when they are not provoked. They may have trouble concentrating or remembering current information, and, because of their terrifying nightmares, they may develop insomnia. This constant feeling that danger is near causes exaggerated startle reactions.
The survivor part of us is not able to listen to "reason". It is going to be constantly looking for danger from now on whether or not others think it is reasonable. Real physiological changes occur in the brains of survivors which make them quick to react. In order to live through the trauma, survivors may develop the capacity to go from being completely fine into a killing rage in seconds. That defensive mechanism helps them live.
Some survivors may stop sleeping soundly. Sleep can get you killed, so they won't take the risk. Survivors may be uncannily able to read the moods of those around them because the moods of their abusers defined their lives. Sometimes they also become hypervigilant, searching for physical danger everywhere they are and all of the time.
Due to hypervigilance and lack of sleep, it is hard for survivors to concentrate on everyday things. They may do poorly in school and in their everyday lives that leads them to believe they are stupid or inept when actually they have a symptom of PTSD.
Survivors often react faster and more completely to sudden noises or movements. These are lifesaving skills that the survivor feels they need while they are still at risk. These are reality based, effective survival skills. They keep you alive. They don't go away by themselves.
Often people who have experienced a trauma have been confronted with their own mortality. Their assumptions and beliefs that the world is safe and fair, that other people are basically good, and that "it won’t happen to me", may be shattered by the experience. After the event, these people often see danger everywhere and become "tuned in" to threat. As a consequence, they may become jumpy, on edge, and feel constantly on guard. This can lead to being overly alert or watchful and to having problems concentrating (for example, not able to read a book for long, getting only a small amount of work completed in a few hours, easily distracted). Disturbed sleep is very common.
Anger is often a central feature in PTSD, with sufferers feeling irritable and prone to angry outbursts with themselves, others around them, and the world in general. Many veterans feel let down, abandoned, and judged by others. These feelings of betrayal often result in bitterness and anger. Some people only express their anger verbally (which can still be very damaging). Others become physically aggressive and violent to property or people, even to those who are closest to them. Often veterans feel unable to control their anger. The power of their anger may be frightening for them and they often feel considerable remorse afterwards. Such symptoms frequently cause major problems at work, as well as with family and friends.
Arousal Symptoms of PTSD:
Sleep disturbance
Anger and irritability
Concentration problems
Constantly on the look-out for signs of danger
Jumpy, easily startled
Paranoia and anger are symptoms of PTSD.
Symptoms of PTSD
Re-experienced horrifying event
The horrifying event must be distressing to most people
Reaction persists for at least one month
One or more of the following:
Intrusive recollection of the event
Recurrent dreams of the event
Waves of feeling that the event is happening again
Distress as a result of any reminder of the event
Three or more of the following:
Attempts at avoiding any thought or feeling about the event
Attempts at avoiding activities, etc. that remind of the event
"Psychogenic amnesia" of the event
Diminished interest in meaningful activities
Detachment from others
Reduced activity
Sense of impending doom
Two or more of the following:
Difficulty sleeping
Irritability or increased anger
Concentration and attention disorders
Hypervigilance or paranoia
Increased response upon being startled
Additional features that may be present
Depression
Sexual dysfunction
Guilt
Obsession
Addiction (substance abuse)
It took me a very long time, but I was finally able to look within myself when I had any of these symptoms. The one I still have the most trouble with is shame. I still project my shame onto others and really struggle to get it back onto just me and deal with it or ride it through until it passes.
Here is the definition of Hypervigilance
Main Entry: hy·per·vig·i·lance
Pronunciation: -'vij-&-l&n(t)s
Function: noun
: the condition of maintaining an abnormal awareness of environmental stimuli <post-traumatic stress syndrome, marked by symptoms like frequent nightmares and repetitive anxiety dreams, insomnia, intrusive disturbing thoughts, hypervigilance and being easily startled.
PTSD can cause those who have it to act as if they are constantly threatened by the trauma that caused their illness. They can become suddenly irritable or explosive, even when they are not provoked. They may have trouble concentrating or remembering current information, and, because of their terrifying nightmares, they may develop insomnia. This constant feeling that danger is near causes exaggerated startle reactions.
The survivor part of us is not able to listen to "reason". It is going to be constantly looking for danger from now on whether or not others think it is reasonable. Real physiological changes occur in the brains of survivors which make them quick to react. In order to live through the trauma, survivors may develop the capacity to go from being completely fine into a killing rage in seconds. That defensive mechanism helps them live.
Some survivors may stop sleeping soundly. Sleep can get you killed, so they won't take the risk. Survivors may be uncannily able to read the moods of those around them because the moods of their abusers defined their lives. Sometimes they also become hypervigilant, searching for physical danger everywhere they are and all of the time.
Due to hypervigilance and lack of sleep, it is hard for survivors to concentrate on everyday things. They may do poorly in school and in their everyday lives that leads them to believe they are stupid or inept when actually they have a symptom of PTSD.
Survivors often react faster and more completely to sudden noises or movements. These are lifesaving skills that the survivor feels they need while they are still at risk. These are reality based, effective survival skills. They keep you alive. They don't go away by themselves.
Often people who have experienced a trauma have been confronted with their own mortality. Their assumptions and beliefs that the world is safe and fair, that other people are basically good, and that "it won’t happen to me", may be shattered by the experience. After the event, these people often see danger everywhere and become "tuned in" to threat. As a consequence, they may become jumpy, on edge, and feel constantly on guard. This can lead to being overly alert or watchful and to having problems concentrating (for example, not able to read a book for long, getting only a small amount of work completed in a few hours, easily distracted). Disturbed sleep is very common.
Anger is often a central feature in PTSD, with sufferers feeling irritable and prone to angry outbursts with themselves, others around them, and the world in general. Many veterans feel let down, abandoned, and judged by others. These feelings of betrayal often result in bitterness and anger. Some people only express their anger verbally (which can still be very damaging). Others become physically aggressive and violent to property or people, even to those who are closest to them. Often veterans feel unable to control their anger. The power of their anger may be frightening for them and they often feel considerable remorse afterwards. Such symptoms frequently cause major problems at work, as well as with family and friends.
Arousal Symptoms of PTSD:
Sleep disturbance
Anger and irritability
Concentration problems
Constantly on the look-out for signs of danger
Jumpy, easily startled
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: pennsylvania
Posts: 5
I looked in on this board out of curiosity. I had a ptsd diagnosis several years ago. When the symptoms faded I thought I was cured. But in fact, I have been functioning quite well despite the symptoms. Only lately have I had to begin to reevaluate my life because I am not functioning well anymore. I have been looking for new ways to cope with the anxiety. I thought that the rest was just being paranoid and just a sort of loopy person. People have been treating me in a very condecending way because of my forgetfulness, distraction, and inability to stay present. I feel stupid and ashamed of my inability to pull myself together.
I am in the process of finding treatment for anxiety and depression along with chemical dependence. Just waiting for my health insurance to find someone that they approve of... i hope I can approve too. That's always been a big problem for me. Taking what they offer and not having a choice. They tend to send me to people who just cant help me.
Thanks for posting this very detailed description of ptsd. i learned a lot today.
bashi
I am in the process of finding treatment for anxiety and depression along with chemical dependence. Just waiting for my health insurance to find someone that they approve of... i hope I can approve too. That's always been a big problem for me. Taking what they offer and not having a choice. They tend to send me to people who just cant help me.
Thanks for posting this very detailed description of ptsd. i learned a lot today.
bashi
Guest
Posts: n/a
Welcome bashi,
I really hope they give you the right person. It's so hard to find someone who you can relate to and who knows what they are doing. A lot of people have success when they treat the addiction and the PTSD at the same time. It's tough because the PTSD makes you want to self medicate and you can't treat the PTSD until you stop the substance abuse. I really admire people who take steps to work on both of these issues.
Please make yourself at home on the forums.
Hugs,
MG
I really hope they give you the right person. It's so hard to find someone who you can relate to and who knows what they are doing. A lot of people have success when they treat the addiction and the PTSD at the same time. It's tough because the PTSD makes you want to self medicate and you can't treat the PTSD until you stop the substance abuse. I really admire people who take steps to work on both of these issues.
Please make yourself at home on the forums.
Hugs,
MG
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: pennsylvania
Posts: 5
thanks MG.
It is so very hard. I have had a lot of success over the years though. If anything, being able to just relieve the frustration and confusion by expressing it helps tremendously. I made much of my progress on my own, outside of therapy though. If I could get it right, maybe I could do much better.
I think I really need someone who will challenge me. In the past, councelors would simply sit and listen while I rambled on about my worries for my kids and blah, blah blah. I was never able to find a way to get to why I was there in the first place. In the beginning, during intakes, they always asked lots of questions and knew my phobias, fears, experiences that lead to these symptoms and what I wanted to achieve... but they never seemed to help me reach one goal. They would routinely ask me to set goals of some type but thats like asking somebody from Kansas City how to get to Broad and Pine in Philly! I never knew how to answer those questions because I simply drew a blank in my head. All I could think was somehow I was supposed to be working on getting past being terrified of people and making new relationships. Or, how do I stop these intrusive thoughts- morbid and scathing things that make me lose track...???
The big problem is that I never had the language for most of this until reading here yesterday... I thought that many of these things were unique to me because I never heard an accuate description that matched how I felt! I am considered to be pretty articulate in describing things of the imagination but not these things!
My husband and I talked about all of this last night and he's worried that I am diagnosing myself. I'm not because I was considered disabled about 12 years ago when everything really exploded (ptsd, dep, anx.)... but he made a good point. He told me to just make a list of all of the things I feel that make me think I need help. That's what I will do and I will leave it to my Psy to figure it out.
I feel pretty good that I have started taking steps to enter another battle... That's what it's like, isn't it? Many battles of a long war. I get geared up and ready, enter, fight and then after a while a little victory comes and I rest a while.
It's so unbelievably wonderful to talk about these things to people who really know...
b
It is so very hard. I have had a lot of success over the years though. If anything, being able to just relieve the frustration and confusion by expressing it helps tremendously. I made much of my progress on my own, outside of therapy though. If I could get it right, maybe I could do much better.
I think I really need someone who will challenge me. In the past, councelors would simply sit and listen while I rambled on about my worries for my kids and blah, blah blah. I was never able to find a way to get to why I was there in the first place. In the beginning, during intakes, they always asked lots of questions and knew my phobias, fears, experiences that lead to these symptoms and what I wanted to achieve... but they never seemed to help me reach one goal. They would routinely ask me to set goals of some type but thats like asking somebody from Kansas City how to get to Broad and Pine in Philly! I never knew how to answer those questions because I simply drew a blank in my head. All I could think was somehow I was supposed to be working on getting past being terrified of people and making new relationships. Or, how do I stop these intrusive thoughts- morbid and scathing things that make me lose track...???
The big problem is that I never had the language for most of this until reading here yesterday... I thought that many of these things were unique to me because I never heard an accuate description that matched how I felt! I am considered to be pretty articulate in describing things of the imagination but not these things!
My husband and I talked about all of this last night and he's worried that I am diagnosing myself. I'm not because I was considered disabled about 12 years ago when everything really exploded (ptsd, dep, anx.)... but he made a good point. He told me to just make a list of all of the things I feel that make me think I need help. That's what I will do and I will leave it to my Psy to figure it out.
I feel pretty good that I have started taking steps to enter another battle... That's what it's like, isn't it? Many battles of a long war. I get geared up and ready, enter, fight and then after a while a little victory comes and I rest a while.
It's so unbelievably wonderful to talk about these things to people who really know...
b
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: laughing at my avatar
Posts: 1,636
hi bashi! im longboarder, nice to meet you.
thank you for that post Morning Glory, i see too much i can relate to haha. i am trying not to deal with the ptsd every day, it gets too overwhelming. but i think if every couple days i discuss it on here i will be okay. i also talk to my psychologist about it alot once a week. and then in some of the court ordered classes i attend i bring it up a little because it played a big role in why im now going to court ordered classes ... again. i want to gain more control of my behaviors. im not a very impulsive person, but when it comes to this ptsd stuff im like a loose cannon. i am learning though and i hope to continue learning.
sometimes i feel like a nut for the way i think, but understanding it is from trauma helps me deal. i still have to over come the stigma of feeling like a nut, but im getting there.
thank you!
lb
thank you for that post Morning Glory, i see too much i can relate to haha. i am trying not to deal with the ptsd every day, it gets too overwhelming. but i think if every couple days i discuss it on here i will be okay. i also talk to my psychologist about it alot once a week. and then in some of the court ordered classes i attend i bring it up a little because it played a big role in why im now going to court ordered classes ... again. i want to gain more control of my behaviors. im not a very impulsive person, but when it comes to this ptsd stuff im like a loose cannon. i am learning though and i hope to continue learning.
sometimes i feel like a nut for the way i think, but understanding it is from trauma helps me deal. i still have to over come the stigma of feeling like a nut, but im getting there.
thank you!
lb
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