THEOjibway

So Im a recovering alcoholic. Sober 8 months and today is my 5th month anniversary dating this girl I'm falling for so much. Just a little story before I move onto my question. So we went to dinner and a movie and it was very romantic. We went for a stroll after dinner to wait for the movie to start and she was looking so attractive that night. We talked and walked and enjoyed the moment. I loved it because time slowed down for once when we were together. She made my heart pound harder as she looked at me with that innocent look of hers and that beautiful smile.

I do have anxiety issues and have ever since I can remember. Even before drinking. But drinking took that "away" I quote away because it never really did just made me impaired and not give a dam. Anyways... It's not that I don't trust her and not like her enough to do so, but I'm a bit afraid to kiss her.

She's already kissed me twice, a kiss on the cheek of course and usually that use to allow me to make a romantic move back. But I withheld my kiss. AGAIN. I wasn't thrilled with myself the last date together when she kissed me on the cheek and I didn't kiss her back. Why am I even bothering with this? I guess to get it out of my head and by writing it makes me feel more open instead of bottling it up inside. I sure hope she wasn't disappointed in me last night and I know if I mention it she'll just say she was fine with it.

What astonishes me so much is the fact that I'm her first boyfriend ever. She's such a brave young girl. She's never been with anyone before and she was always the one in this relationship to make the first moves! I was rather impressed by the fact but at a loss on how to react. It's been so long since I've really felt this way towards anyone. It never ceases to amaze me how brave she can and how much a coward I can feel when I don't do something back. We've gotten into holding hands and massage each others hands and such. That I can handle easily. But there were so many times last night I wanted to kiss her in the movie and she kept looking at me with a coy look and smiling I would get scared to kiss her and just smile back. Whats the best way to go about doing this? I get so nervous and I don't know why, I've been in several relationships but my last one was back in 2007. I haven't had a date since. it's like I'm re learning everything again because I haven't been with someone for so long... might there still be buried fears on being heart broken again? I know no one can answer that big question because it's in me to answer that one. I think I might be scared. To lose someone again because back in 2003 I was madly in love with my first girlfriend and we did alot of... "things" but not sex, but we did alot of "things" that drew me to love sickness and then she cheated me on another guy and she told me all these nasty things and even emailed me they had sex as soon as we broke up that day on our anniversary back in september 4th 2003. I really want to kiss her but I don't know. I feel rusty for sure, I always knew how to kiss a girl when I wanted to. I even had one blind date back in 2006 and heck, I kissed her full on the lips on that one date... only to find out later she was pregnant so that didn't last long. Some advice would be nice to read here. I am kind of beating myself today for not kissing her last night and I really hope she wasn't disappointed last night with me or herself.... I know when I told her I wanted to kiss her so badly the other date before she told me not to hold back next time and last night was the next time and I did it again.

THEOjibway

thanks everyone for not answering me

Dee74

I haven't seen this thread before today. I'm not sure what advice to give you.

I'm just a layman, but sounds to me like you have some deep seated issues here going back aways TO - I'd probably see a counsellor.

D

soberlicious

Hi THEOjibway
I am a "face the fear and do it anyway" kind of person, but not everyone is or needs to be that way. In fact, there are times my fearlessness can cause me to be a little reckless. I see nothing wrong with taking things slowly and letting things happen as they may. Fear and anxiety can hold us back from alot of things, but they can also be there to help us take our time. It's all about balance.
She sounds very nice and you sound very considerate and thoughtful. Just let things flow. Congrats on your clean time. It's not easy at first doing things without the booze, but it is infinitely better...always!

THEOjibway

thank you. so true. I know in time she'll come to learn of it and probably won't judge me because she knows who I really am without alcohol and I've already hinted I don't drink. One day at a time though for sure. I sat down tonight and drew again (Im an artist... a hobby that was replace by alcohol but taken over again) she's going through a tough time with her family. Her parents divorced and she's even shared intimate details with me (meaning one on one) that her mother had tried to commit suicide and was unsuccessful. Well anyways saw her today at work and she was down in the dumps. told me she didn't sleep well.... then she told me she was speaking to her mother on the phone last night and her mother sounded worse and she was worried sick her mother would try to do something again. So to cheer her up I told her the product I wanted to draw her was under way and she brightened up right away though she was still feeling down after. I told her that I am here whenever she needs me, if she needs to lean on someone and let it out, I'm here to comfort her or talk if she needs to call me. She loved that. I sure can't wait to let this out because it'll make me feel more at ease with her.

We went on our date and I even told her that night I'd kiss her. and I didn't and even though she told me it was okay that despite no kiss she had a romantic time since we held hands while waiting for our dinner to be served and we cuddled like crazy in the movie The Hunger Games... good movie btw! But I think I'm more holding back because I'm afraid to lose her if she doesn't accept what I am. So I find if I kiss her I may fall in love and then when I tell her she'll drop me. I don't think thats the case though because she is sooooo nice. Like wow! She was raised right. And I know for a fact... that if roles were reversed... I'd give her a chance no matter what and not judge her for it because we're in the here and now and not back then. She knows the new me and not the drunk me and I intend on keeping it that way