lifeinablur

i don't know how to relate to anyone, not even my own kids.

i don't want to stay at home anymore. i want to get out and work. and then i think about the whole interviewing process, and putting my kids in daycare, and arranging who would pick them up from school, and being in front of a group of people talking again, and my courage fails me. i go back to what i'm used to. routine.

it's just quiet all day long here, and i don't know how to break the silence, except with the tv. i am so afraid of reaching out to anyone, even my own blood relations.

it goes on and on. there is no end.

i don't need advice. just thanks for listening. i wish i wasn't so afraid to break the silence with the sound of my own voice sometimes. i wish the things i wanted to say seemed....well, worth saying.

i write it all down. but really, is that enough?

it's not enough.

but that's ok. this is my life.

that's all.

Wolfstarr

lifeinablur, no advice here...but I am willing to listen without judgement...anytime...

MycoolFitz

I've been diagnosed with Generalized anxiety disorder, depression, PTSD but I actually walked into a meeting thinking I'd throw up but I didn't. Things are never as bad as my own fears make them. The Buddha said something to the affect that with our thoughts we make our world. My very best to you. I'm going to get up the courage to talk in a meeting {Maybe}

Lyrah

I have no advice that I can offer, but I just wanted to say that I can relate.

thisisforellie

You might want to write down exactly what you want -- a job, kids in daycare, etc -- and, instead of making some huge big life-change, make small changes. Apply for a part time job, something easy, doing something you love. Take the money that you make at that job and pay a babysitter or a part-time daycare to take the kids one day a week. Or two. Nothing big. Remember, nothing big at first. This way you won't psych yourself out. Just a few small changes. You may be afraid to do this at first, but take the risk and try it. You may find that, once you were able to make these small changes, you can begin to inch up to bigger and bigger ones. Don't give up. Have courage for each small challenge.

thisisforellie

If you want, take a look at the book 'The artist's way' by julia cameron. she is a recovering alcoholic, but in this book she focuses on creativity -- she outlines steps each week to regaining your creativity, to get small holds on your dreams. They include making small changes towards what you want, and NOT feeling bad about it!

Mo S

No advice either. I can really relate tho. I got extensive professional help which slowly changed everything and i met almost all my life goals- not perfectly but i have lived far beyond my potential as a human being. I wish you the best.

lifeinablur

thank you for all the replies.

i'm considering whether i might be able to handle a full time job again. it would be nice to do that this fall if i can.

i am doing all right lately. i usually post when i'm at my most depressed.