underoath

Hello everyone, I've been up all night thinking about the damage my drug use could have/may have done to me and others and specifically my mental health and my heart. (Despite being told I'm fine from professionals) Thinking back on it all I regret the fact that I continued to use despite the anxiety and other negative things it triggered, thinking that maybe I have done irreversible damage and only wishing I could turn back the hands of time. I have also been having regrets about my social life and academic performance in high school, wishing I had done better and been more outgoing instead of being so shy. (I graduated last year) Does anyone else struggle with regrets? Any advice on how to look past them and move forward would be great, a lot of it is just fueled by irrational anxiety. I regret the fact that I used daily despite having panic attacks every time. Most people would stop after experiencing a panic attack, saying "that drug isn't for me", but no, I had to keep using, daily, and just accepted panic attacks as part of the experience.

I have also been struggling with questions like "why do we exist, how did we come into existence, why is it I can question this but not know the answer..." These are anxiety provoking thoughts and they just trigger symptoms such as depersonalization/derealization. How can I accept not knowing? It's a horrible cycle of anxiety which I am in the process of trying to break but I would greatly appreciate some advice from others. Medication isn't for me, the only meds that worked were benzos but that was because they made me stupid and sedated, which I can't take anymore due to my abusing them (and mixing with other drugs) and the program of recovery I am working. SSRI's just trigger more anxiety for me and... yeah... I'm not looking for any advice on getting medicated I just want some advice on how to deal with these things without the medication, because I know they can be dealt with and handled without prescription drugs. Thanks.

JeremiahS

I'm 33 and am up to 150 lbs from an emaciated 120 lbs and went through years of brutal manual labor and heavy drinking with little to no food. I went in thinking I was totally shot and ready for a hole in the ground. Docs ran tests, I checked out ok. If Im fine, you probably are too.

Are you going to listen to them and put a little effort into some changes or keep feeling sorry for yourself.

underoath

Fair enough. There's also some feelings of disgust, shame, and frustration with the fact that I didn't just stop the second I had my first episode of panic, negative experiences etc. I can't go back in time so why bother worrying about it right? Just focus on how I'm gonna change and not so much how I got to where I am.

JeremiahS

That disgust, shame, fear make up the walls of your own prison.

bayliss

I know this is a bit late - and I am not a doctor or anything - but by reading your post it almost seems to me like you're dealing with a bit of OCD?
I know that sometimes I obsess or ruminate over random thoughts and it's part of my OCD which fuels my anxiety. A lot of people that have OCD ruminate over why we "exist", etc.
Once again - am not doc but anxiety is an umbrella of different types of symptoms and issues we individually deal with {PTSD, GAD, OCD, etc}.