debsjsu

I went to my ENT Doc yesterday.On the way I prayed I ask God for answers, I told God that I was willing and ready for his will to be done in my life, whatever that might be. If this was the beginning of the end for me I was ok with that (like if I had cancer or something and was going to die). Not that I wouldn't be sad to leave my family, but I am spiritually ready to move to my next life. I just ask God to help me find the answers that I was seeking and I agreed to be completely willing to accept His will for my life, whatever that might be. My ENT Dr. scoped me (I hate that) He ask me MEDICAL questions about my laryngitis. ie.. what meds I had taken, how long I had been unable to speak, ect. After the exam he told me, he didn't ask me, He told me. My loss of my voice was the result of a traumatic experience that happened to me while I was in Jamaica... The Dx. was Muscle Dystonia... He had NO knowledge of any of the events that had taken place in Jamaica or in my past. There was no possiable way he could have known. I had not even connected the 2 as being related in any way. I thought my laryngitis was a result of infection or disease or a health issue of some kind... On my drive home ( about 1 hour) my 11 yr. old talked continously about one of his games, I don't think I heard anything he said, my head was spinning... I knew exactly what the "traumatic event" was, in Jamaica. I also knew how it was related to my past. I had just NEVER told ANYBODY.... I knew what I had to do.. I droped off my child and went straight to see my sponsor.. After calling my husband to let him know where I was going to be... I told my sponsor EVERYTHING.... So here it is for you to read if you want to know... When I was a small child about 4 yrs old my mother was very sick mentally, she was also an alcoholic and an addict. She did a lot of very abusive things to my brother and I. My sponsor already knew this part.. Here is what he didn't know. When I was about 4 my mother tried to drown me in the bathtub, I do not think she tried to kill me. She was sick like I said. Who knows what she was thinking... Anyway, I remember feeling the water very heavy on my face not being able to breath, pushing me down, not being anle to get up, thinking I was going to die, my brother crying screaming, the pressure of the water felt so heavy. My father stopped her. (I know, sounds like the local news, why do you think I never told anyone) This was just one of the things my mother did to us.. I never thought it was really that important... When I did my 5th step I just covered the fact that my mother was extremely abusive when I was a child and she was a very sick person... Not each thing she did to us there were just too many things that she did to cover them all!!! That was the past... While I was in Jamaica we went to Dunns River Falls.. It was absolutely beautiful, I was on my way up and I hit a spot where the water was hitting me in the chest and the face. My legs (Im very short) wouldn't reach the next ledge. I was stuck. I was drowning I thought, my mind went back to that child in that tub. I froze I couldn't move, I couldn't go backwards or forwards. I couldn't breath, I felt the water hitting me in the face and the chest so hard, it was so very heavy. Some one pulled me out. I didn't know who until the next day. This guy sat me on a rock and I sat there for about 30 min before my legs would work again, I still wasn't sure I could stand, I was shaking so badly inside. I was so very afraid someone would notice that I was so freaked out.... I got out ( with help ) at the next exit. I sat in a chair for the next hour, all my friends were still in the falls, I was grateful for that b/c I couldn't handle being around people yet... I kept feeling like that little girl who was being drowned... I brushed that out of my mind and eventually was able to go on with my trip. I didn't realize that I lost my voice as a result of this incident. Now I see how they are related... The Dr. gave me 2 options #1 I can choose to deal with this myself and if I truly deal with it my voice will come back. #2 I can go to speach therapy. I chose #1 I went to my sponsor and talked about it, I have prayed about it. I truly believe that God is showing me his awesome power. I have had a deep spiritual experience out of this. I know that I have learned something that I will need one day to help another person. My voice is already comming back. I was so very afraid to tell anyone these things before, I do not have to be afraid anymore. It isn't about you anymore. It is about what I learned. If you can take something from this, I am grateful. If you cant that is ok to, it is just my story, nothing more. I have been shown the awesome power of the God of my understanding. Love to all Debs

mygirls_mylife

WOW! Thank you soo much for sharing. Just sharing that is helping you. Pray and pray and pray. It is something I am learning how to do all over again. I truly believe in God's power and it took me along time to get back to religion. But I knew He (as I understand Him) is always there. That "incident" in Jamaica was no accident; it was God's little push for you to deal with the things in your life that you had not previously faced. Work through this, your memories will ALWAYS be there but we can pray for strentgh and understanding. Your mom was ill;as we are. YOU ARE GETTING HELP! I am so proud.
BTW i am on Day 4 for my first time and it is going to be an amazing Ride!

Autumn

Hey Debs..... thanks for sharing your story. It must have been quite emotional for you to dredge all that up, and your bravery in doing so is commendable.

Also, I think the relationship you have with your HP is a really beautiful, almost magical thing that isn't lost on me.

Very nice.

brigid

Hi Debs,

That is a pretty full on experience, nice to be able to talk about it and share it no doubt. I have had some really abusive experiences that I know I have been able to live through by having a friend to listen to me, it has helped enormously for me.

Life is an interesting trip ... one where there are heaps of little things that we can ignore or take on board, I am finding where I take stuff on board the way gets easier (usually after a hard trek). I pray that you get your voice back, you feel lighter and life gets just a little bit easier for you!!! I am sure it will with your lovely faith.

Oh and have I mentioned to eat lots of yogurt?

lots of love,
Brigid

AndrewBeen

I admire your bravery and your honesty.

debsjsu

Hey guys... Amazingly my voice has returned... I can't scream yet but I can talk and I sound normal.... About an hour after talking with my sponsor my voice started comming back, by the next day I was talking normally, I still don't have high pitch sounds yet, but the Doc said it would come back slowly.. It is just such an amazing experience to me.. I havent told anyone except my sponsor and this board... Im not ready to share this yet with others. I havent even told my hubby... He knows the Dx was muscle dystonia but he has no idea what that is... When I am ready I will share, but it is just such a personal thing about my mother and I dont want my hubby to have hard feelings toward her. We go visit her every summer, and I do have a relationship with her today that I don't want to loose b/c of something like this. So for now I don't think I should share this with my husband or children, at least the part about my mom. I just don't think they will understand that she was a very sick person and didn't know what she was doing. I have never told them "all" the stories of my childhood. They know there was abuse but they do not know the extent of the abuse.. I don't want to "color" their relationship with my mom with "my" past with her. I love my mom today. I know she loves me.. I just have to deal with my own personal memories of feelings, and emotions. My mother has no memories of most of my childhood, she had lots of blackouts and did lots of drugs. So she really doesn't even really understand the extent of the impact of my childhood. Her mental capasity wouldn't allow her to deal with it now so I have to handle it on my own, with my counselor, and sponsor. So far that has worked for me well. This just really opened my eyes to the awesome power of my spiritual walk with the God of my inderstanding. Sometimes I need to listen to what I am being told to do by my HP, and just do it.... Thanks every one Love to you all Debs

Pick-a-name

debsjsu

Thank you so much for sharing this.I really needed to hear this today...on so many levels.

I am so glad to hear your voice is returning,too! Let go and let God. Simple yet difficult!

p.s. Perhaps when you are ready to tell you husband about this, you could print out this post and let him read it before you discuss it. I understand what you mean about "coloring the relationship". My exAH (he just divorced me after 27y because he prefers to continue drinking,etc) has said and done some very hurtful things that I realize were in blackouts. He is a very sick man, and although I still love him; our children and I can not accept that behavior. I need to separate the illness from the man.still love him but protect myself and children from the illness. We are starting to remember things (fortunately not so violent) but I also do nor want to feel resentment.

(((debsjsu )))

Anna

Deb,

That is a beautiful and amazing story and it truly points out that we are here to learn and move on. We are spiritual beings in physical bodies.

Isn't it so interesting how we think the things that happen to us in childhood, just are, and shouldn't matter? You said, 'I never thought it was really important'. That's what I thought too, but it doesn't just go away. It's often only much later in life that we realize the things that happened to us growing up can't be ignored. We have to deal with them.

janeeyre

Debs,

Thank you for posting this thread. I'm so moved by it, and glad for you in your breakthrough.

Hugs,
Jane

debsjsu

I really think that one of my biggest lessons here is that I am not that little girl anymore and I do not have to be afraid anymore.. I am never alone.. There is someone there to help me.. ie the man who pulled me out... I had delt with my resentments involving my parents years ago, so I had no anger toward my mom about what had happened, thats what made it so confusing. It wasnt about her, I didn't realize that at first. It was about me, feeling safe. This was the first time I had ever been anywhere without my husband. I always know that my hubby will protect me with his life if need be. He wasn't with me. I was all alone. I thought. I have talked to my therapist and have evaluated the entire situation, my sponsor and I have also talked and I have prayed b/c I want to do everything that I am suspose to do to learn my "lesson" from this. What I have come up with is so very simple... I am never alone, My God of my understanding took care of me when I was a child and I lived through all those years of abuse as difficult as they may have been I did serviv, I am here today to help others with the ESH that I have from the history I have from my childhood. Not everyone can identify with childhood abuse. I have been able to help 13 foster children victims of childhood abuse b/c I understand how they feel only b/c I have experienced it first hand. My God of my understanding just gave me another spiritual experience letting me know I do not have to rely on another human to "take" care of me b/c he is already doing that.. All I had to do was see it for my own eyes... I do believe that miracles happen in todays world if we choose to look for them.. People live when they shouldn't and they die when there is no real reason for it. I have seen this first hand from working in hospital ER and working in the field as a paramedic... I just never thought about applying it to my own life.. Isn't that strange that I didn't think that the laws of life applied to me also.... I feel safe today within myself.... It is a totally different feeling than I have ever had before...... Awesome how I recieve blessings if I am open to them.... Thanks.... Love to all Debs