wandergrrl777

No I'm not going to drink. For a moment when I was fighting with my bf.. roommate ...friends with benefits... whatever you wanna' call it....
I just wanted to drink.

He got pissed because the dishes were dirty! lol
Which is great because yesterday, I almost went to the E.R. because I sliced my thumb so badly while cooking. So, why would I submerge it under dirty dish water less than 24 hours later??

Then suddenly the he's saying the whole house is a mess! This is a man that has not had to cook for himself, do his own laundry, or even touch a dish since I've been back! (and ive only really been back, for 2 weeks and 4 days but who is counting! i make fabulous dinners every night {it's keeping me sober}) This is insanity. I told him if he doesn't like how I keep house then he can do it himself!!

I haven't had a drink since june 1st. I left my old bf, packed up all my crap, quit my job, moved 500 miles away, already have a promising job interview scheduled for tomorrow...(in my ACTUAL field). I have been working at my recovery every single day..and taking care of the household. Now I've got this little a-hole putting me down!!! I DON"T THINK SO!!

Somehow, he managed to talk me into the fact that our relationship didn't work before because I was always drinking and that's why he was always mad. And here I am doing MY BEST for both of us, and he's still a bullying little snot!! So im starting to see the cycle for what it is and it's toxic.
I'm an alcoholic and he's a rageoholic!! lol He gets mad if i drink and i drink when he gets mad!!


This relationship is NOT going to be just on his terms. He told me if I didn't drink that things would be better. Well, I'm not drinking.... SO, why is he still such a jerk?? Does he think putting me down is motivating me??? Cause..Im the opposite...You bully me and your gonna' run into a wall quick fast!

I'm going to go talk to him now that we have both cooled down. If he doesn't get a handle on this I am going to move out of our bedroom, and start saving money. What would yall do??

-Monica :::totally pissed but not giving up my sobriety for anybody!!

CarolD

Have you seen this thread?
Just a few notches down from yours

Advice - Relationship
Aristo

Some of those shares might help

Stay in focus...good luck on the interview!

ismchanger

I think he may have a lot of things to get over from your drinking days. Trust me it doesn't just stop because you stop. I had three years sober and my wife still pulled all the same moves on me, just not as often as before. The Big Book talks about the family after getting sober. Patience and humility is really key in the early period. But don't let yourself get run over by a guy with a bad attitude. You might try expressing the fact that you are trying very hard to be sober AND to be nice and helpful and normal. Let him know that too many demands are ruining your positivity, and that priorities need to be established. Are the dishes REALLY that important to where you need to argue? Look at at all the blessings that have started to come your way in sobriety! Dwell on that instead of the negative. These are things that I have gone through with my spouse too.

Now, if you recognize that he's just being manipulative, then that's another story. You'll have to figure out which it is. If he just wants a mother to baby him and is using the "hurts" of your drinking days to justify it then he IS an sob. But I remember having to work very very hard in the early days of sobriety to allow my anger to pass even when I KNEW my wife was totally wrong or acting like a witch for no reason other than anger.

brigid

Monica did you just start back this relationship with this bf? What did he do before you were back? Did he do his own stuff then? Why is it automatically on you to do these things full time?

I know that I have probably been in the wrong a number of times in my relationships because of alcohol, but I also know that I felt bad enough about myself that I thought it was necessary to do things just to please.

Take care of you, you are worth it, good on you for making such great strides forward and staying sober!!!

lots of love,
Brigid

wandergrrl777

He's always been very ass-ertive! lol He popped out of his mother that way. I respect him a lot and we've been friends for years.

I did put him through a lot and he's been there for me. He's said he doesn't care if I drink or not because...if I do, he's done. He means it! He has EVERY RIGHT to feel ANY WAY he wants about my drinking and using.

The facts are, we are not married...we do not have children and I'm not going to eat crow for too long, just to make this work. We have a chance to start over.

I'm not totally positive that this relationship will work or if it's what I want. Time will tell. Certainly the things that happened in the past were not just my fault. I fu**ed up a lot!! Absolutely!! But, he has some anger issues... (real ones... ) beyond the ones that I CAUSED. (and i did cause some!) On the same hand I'm not totally ready to shift the focus to somebody else and their issues....

So, I'm kinda stuck in a loop of "Well, i gotta deal with me, don't shift to his anger." At the same time I HAVE to deal with it because it's real and it's there!

You don't grow up like we did and walk away undamaged, or unscathed. You might look okay or be really good at making people think you ARE okay. I just hope in the end that once again everything happens for a reason. I hope that us being here, now... is a way for us both to heal.

We had a long talk and I ended up breaking down! LOL I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself right now because I DON'T want to backslide. I'm trying to be balanced and use skills that I don't even totally posess in life...that I would posess had I taken better care of myself!! So yeah, I'm being hard on myself. This isn't going to be easy for a long time! lol

I lost it and I'm so glad I have a place to come and type it out! Thanks guys..so much!!! You guys rock!! I love you man!!

-Monica

fraankie

seems like a lot of the focus is on you, your bf, home, work
now that you stopped drinking
life dose not become a bed of roses
so
try to do some good things for you

go to a movie
maybe look up an old friend
an AA meeting?

it's time to diversify
and do things you always wanted to do
instead of mope around the house
cooking, cleaning, bf stuff,

he's probably going thru his own stuff
dealing with you sober
and
doesn't know how to act


best
fraankie

brigid

I have found this hard to do but I think it is the best thing that I can possibly do - concentrate on me for a bit, make me happy with who I am and the rest sort of follows. That way too, other people around me understand that they have to concentrate on themselves too, it just sort of happens ... then I can spend some happy time with others around me.

I have also found it really helps when I am around other people who are upbeat and happy, their positive outlook rubs off, laughing about things and not taking myself too seriously are also good for me.

I hope you get out of the firing line of the anger and just walk away, anger often stops once it gets no reaction. You do not have to eat humble pie for the rest of your life or even for a very long time. I have found that saying sorry and then making sure that I carry through the apology by staying sober and doing the right thing is the go.

love Brigid

leviathon

Monica, sounds like you are with a loser. Perhaps the real issue for him is him. You must value yourself first and foremost, if you allow a stupid jerk to walk all over yourself, how will you ever stay sober? You won't because eventually it will become too much and you will look for an escape, even just for a little while.

Cudos on you for realizing that there is a problem with him and for recognizing you need to do something about it. Just don't expect that he will listen and change.

Peace, Levi