Kellye C

Hi family,

As I sit here and type this I have this huge ball of pain in my gut. I found out a little while ago that my SO of the past year and a half has been e-mailing another women for months flirting, lying to her and me and trying to start a relationship with her. All the while he has been protesting his love for me telling me that he loves me more than any woman he's ever been with and all other kinds of things that I now feel were lies either to me, to himself or both of us. Upon being caught he admits that he f*cked up but that he's always loved me and still does. Because he says he's sorry and that he'll never do it again I'm supposed to just forget about it and go on.

If this was the first time this has happened it MIGHT be different. But it's not. He's done this before with this same woman. Furthermore he wrote some awful things about me in his journal when I was brand new in sobriety basically taking my inventory (how selfish, intolerant, etc. I was) and saying how hard it was to get past the appearance of my body (I used to be very overweight and have lost a lot so I'm not as "toned" as he thinks he deserves). I was so devastated by that that I almost drank. Tonight I would be lying if I said I haven't thought of taking a drink.

I met this man when I was 12 days sober. I fought like hell going into a relationship but we did anyway. He will have 17 years next month yet obviously he is still practicing dishonesty. I don't think I will ever trust anything he says or does again yet he is already begging me to come back and telling me how much he loves and misses me. I am this big ball of pain right now, and my alcoholic brain tells me that a drink would make it go away. I don't want to drink so I guess it is time to use the tools I have learned in AA. I'm sharing this with you guys to get it out. I called my sponsor but got her voicemail so I left her a message. We have a 10:00 candlelight meeting at my home group and I'm considering going. I've prayed, I've asked God to remove the thought of drinking, I've talked out loud to my disease and I've played the tape through.

I just want to crawl in a hole and hide but he keeps calling. I finally hung up on him so I imagine the next form of communication will be e-mails. He immediately started going into self=pity mode like he always does when he screws up and tonight I told him I didn't want to hear it. I suggested that since he is so enamored of this woman that he lie to her yet again and tell her that his AA speaking engagement out of town (which was his lie to her to explain why he couldn't talk to her this weekend - because I'm there!) anyway, to tell her it got cancelled and to go for it.

My codependent side wants to go on the prowl so I don't have to be alone but I'm not going to do it. I'm going to spend my extra time in meetings and with my family.

I'm sorry to have rambled on and on, I'm just hurting and learning to get through it without throwing away a year and a half (in a few days anyway) of sobriety.

Hugs,
Kellye

brigid

You deserve better than that Kellye! Glad to see you got it out, really glad to see you have planned your time for the next few days.

Drinking would just blur this whole thing and you don't want to do that, you want to think it through clearly. If your SO could just at least give you some time to yourself, will he do that?

Stay strong,
love brigid

Peter

Kelly, youre doing a good job so far putting into practice what you are learning and I am proud of you for doing the right thing.

I am sorry for your hurt right now., but pain is natures way of telling us something is wrong. Perhaps now is time for you to take a deeper look at your codependent issues and and maybe even thinking about moving on from this relationship.

Kellye C

Thank you Brigid and Peter. I tried to call my sponsor again and left word with her son to call me. She knows me so well and knows the stuff that my SO and I have been through and she has encouraged me over and over again to get out.

Brigid, I agree that I deserve better and maybe someday I'll find it but I think Peter is on the mark about addressing my codependent issues. You know, I've prayed for God's will for this relationship over and over again and several times I have caught this man in lies. Perhaps God has been trying to tell me all along what His will was and I was too pigheaded to listen.

Just being able to talk about it all helps so much. Thank you both for responding.

You know, the weirdest thing about all of this is even though it hurts so bad I have not yet cried even while discussing it with him. I just feel this deadly calm. I don't know if that's dangerous or just a sign of a stronger me.

Hugs,
Kellye

CarolD

O dear...my prayers for your peace going out.

He is a jerk!

brigid

You sound strong to me!

love brigid

Phinneas

Sounds like god is turning up the volume, Kellye.

Prayers to you. The only way past the pain is through. Wrap yourself in the support of those in recovery and walk through this sober. You can and ARE doing it.

Kellye C

Thanks everyone. The phone calls have stopped (at least for tonight) and I am feelling a tad better. At least I'm no longer shaking and just a little nauseated! Phinny I think you may be right about God turning up the volume. I guess time will tell. I am off to bed and pray I can sleep. I'll deal with tomorrow when it gets here but know already that I will make several meetings. I also told my daughter I'd come see her and Lord knows I have tons of housework to do. I have spent EVERY weekend for the past year and a half at this man's home except when we've had problems. Needless to say with me working every day and then attending meetings in the evening and then not home on weekends the home projects have piled up. So............... no lack of things to do to stay busy LOL!

Hugs to you all and thank you to EVERYONE who has responded. You have helped more than you will ever know. You have helped this recovering alcoholic wrack up another night sober even in the face of emotional pain and adversity.

Warm hugs,
Kellye

hopealwayz

(((Kellye))) I'm so sorry that you are hurting right now. You deserve better and he needs to open his eyes to see that he already has a wonderful, caring and honest lady right in front of him. Some people just don't realize how special things are and in the end, they are the ones to miss out. You deserve a man who values all of your good qualities and I know that God has a beautiful plan for you. Take good care of yourself and I will say a prayer for you. You are in my thoughts.

Hugs,

Hope

Phinneas

That's what it's about, dear one.

Get some rest. :sleeping: Sweet dreams and check in with us tomorrow.

michaelj

Kellye,
I hesitate to give advice on relationships but what I can tell you is that you are dealing with this in an incredibly focussed way. You are analysing why it is that your mind is telling you to drink and you are showing great strength of character in refusing to allow your addiction to assert itself over you.
I hope that everything works out OK for you, you deserve nothing less.
Michael

NoMoBeer

Kellye... I feel your pain.

I am going through some major relationship struggles myself right now -- and I'm married 13 years with 3 children. I have found that unfortunately we grow differently in recovery, sometimes some of us don't grow at all and EXPECT the other person to change to suite their needs. Sound like we both may be on the receiving end of that...

Here's what I'm doing... I know I need to do more, but I have to save my own ass from drinking daily!
1. Pray
2. Pray for my wife -- pray that she finds peace of mind and happiness.
3. Talk with my sponsor -- hey, I just got voice mail too!
4. Don't drink.

Hang in there -- "This too shall pass..." I also just read and re-read Dr. Paul's story on Acceptance in the back of the Big Book -- that one paragraph is so important to my recovery.... "and Acceptance is the answer to all of my problems..."

Gotta run -- going to make a fool of myself on roller blades with my boys...

Ken

Kellye C

Hi everyone. I just wanted to say that I made it through last night. Had a long talk with my sponsor and she echoed Phinny's thought about God turning up the volume. I prayed and even prayed for him too. Today I have heard nothing from him which is good but I just feel empty and hollow. I went prowling the thrift stores with my mom and I was searching through the books I came across Melodie Beattie's Codependent No More so I went ahead and got it. I used to have it but the dogs chewed it up. I don't think it was coincidence that I found it today. I took my mom with me to a noon meeting and then we rented some DVD's and I got the stuff to make chicken noodle soup. Oh and some chocolate!!!

Tonight I will go to a 6:30 meeting and then hang out with my mom. My plan is to be good to myself and family and stay busy. Also to stay focused on sobriety. I haven't had any thoughts of drinking today but I'm not taking any chances.

My sponsor said I need to do a 4th step on this relationship. She and my mom are both betting that I forgive him and go back which doesn't make me feel real good. I don't see how I can move past this so I don't see it happening. But for today I'm focusing on the here and now. The future will resolve itself.

Ken and Michael thank you for sharing your ES&H on this. Hope thanks for the show of support. Carol thanks for the prayers.

Above all I am so glad I'm not drinking today. If I was I know I would be a drinking and crying mess. Nobody ever said life in sobriety would be perfect, life is still life both good and bad but at least today I have other ways of dealing with bad things without crawling into a bottle. I know today that wouldn't help anything. It would just make it oh so much worse.

Hugs,
Kellye

Kellye C

Well just when I think it can't get any worse it does. I got a phone call tonight telling that my SO attempted suicide using pills and liquor. He threw away almost 17 years of sobriety. Of course I immediately went into guilt mode thinking I had caused it and taking on the blame.

I had to step back and look at this. He made the choice to do this just like he made the choices that caused the end of our relationship so I can't blame myself no matter how much I might want to. It was expected that I would go rushing up to the hospital but I can't do it. He threw away his sobriety but I have to protect mine. It feels so selfish to look at it this way but I can't fix him and I can't control what he did all I CAN control is whether or not I'm going to allow myself to be sucked up into it and risk my own sobriety.

I had to talk to people with longterm sobriety to check my thinking on this because I feel like I am being so damn selfish. They told me that sometimes we have to be selfish to protect ourselves. My sponsor is behind me 100%. I did go ahead and call his sponsor and let him know what is going on so he can check on him. I also talked to some people who went to see him in CCU. Apparently he did a lot of throwing up and aspirated a lot into his lungs so although he should make a full recovery he is probably going to have one hell of a case of pneumonia. They said he is pretty out of it and they don't know if he even knew they were there.

This stuff is so hard to hear and process. My sponsor asked how I am feeling and I told her that I have so many emotions going on that I don't know how I feel. Has anyone else been through anything like this and if so how did you get through? Did you feel guilty and feel like you could have prevented it?

I'd welcome any feedback as I feel totally out of my league here.

Thanks,
Kellye

cooky

I've never experienced this.All I can say is you didn't do this to him.He poured the alcohol down his own throat.You are not responsible for this in any way.
It sounds like you are doing everything you should be doing.Getting to plenty of meetings talking to yopur sponser and reading.
This is a very selfish program when it comes to your sobriety.Nothing should get in the way of your sobriety.
I know you must feel really bad.Time will heal.Let GODtake you on his path.It sounds like he has a lot of issues to deal with.He's going to need alot of time and space.
Bob

janeeyre

Oh, Kellye--

I haven't been on here all weekend, so I've just read your post.

I'm so sorry things are going this way for you right now. But you are doing the right things. I really admire you.

I'll keep you in my prayers today.

Take care,
Jane

Kellye C

Jane, thank you. I did go yesterday and see him in the hospital. For me it provided a sense of closure. I was asked by his sponsor to do it as sort of a 12th step call to show support because he has so few people here that he is close to. I resisted the idea at first as did my sponsor. She finally told me to run it by some other people in the program with long term sobriety. I did this and they suggested that it would be the right thing to do as long as I went in with the right motives, did not do or say anything to let him believe that we are going to get back together but simply to let him know that people care about what happens to him.

So.............. I took a bunch of deep breaths, prayed a lot and took my mom with me. I stayed with him about 30min or maybe a little longer. I tried to convey a message of hope that since he hadn't died that he use this opportunity to accept the help that he is going to get and to use this time to get totally honest with himself perhaps for the first time and try to grow beyond this. After I left him I sat in the consultation room with his nurse who has a lot of personal experience with us alcoholics. She supported my decision fully to leave this relationship and told me once again that none of this was my fault. I am more convinced now than ever that this is not about me and never was. More lies that he told are coming to light every day. He is a very sick man. He doesn't know it yet but he is under protective custody indefinitely and will be arrested if he tries to leave the hospital or the psych facility he will be transferred to shortly.

All in all this has been very eye opening for me as well as painful. I have seen what happens when we are dishonest, when we fall into self-pity and quit working the program. I have also seen what a network of people I have on my side and that this program truly does work if you work it.

I am a bit lonely but know that this too shall pass! The thoughts of a drink are not there any longer so now begins the process of discovering myself and working more on me.

Hugs,
Kellye

CarolD

Awesome progress and I am proud of you!

janeeyre

Well, good.

You are showing true, humble strength. So admirable!

Hugs,
Jane

daydream

Wow, Kellye....
I really do "get" just how devastating this kind of thing can be. I posted over in the NA forum a few times over the past several months after "the love of my life" turned out to be a lying, cheating, @#$!@$!. I shook for 3 weeks. It's still tuff. Here's how I am getting through it. I hope it will help you.

I basically had to ask others to do my thinking for me. I was a wreck. I went to meetings pretty much daily, talked to my sponsor and others daily, spent most nights with a close friend during those first few weeks when I didn't trust myself to be alone, wrote about it and prayed about it. I tried to practice the spiritual principles of the program, such as hope, patience and faith about "this too shall pass". I tried to practice unconditional love (in action) by not retaliating or telling everyone what the @!!$!#$@! did to me (so maybe he would stay in meetings and work on his recovery instead of leaving because of the embarrassment). I asked my higher power for more sponsees to keep me busy, and God did provide (boy DID he...lol). I asked for what I needed. This has been a very painful few months, but I am getting through it a day at a time, and I'm still clean. Hang on, live the program and you WILL get through it sober.

OH, one more thing (***ALERT: Soapbox ahead***)
I frequenly hear that AA is a selfish program. I disagree. AA is not a selfish program. It is a spiritual program and "selfish" is not a spiritual principle, in fact, selfishness is very UNspiritual. I think sometimes people confuse being selfish with being responsible. When I do what's best for my recovery, it's not selfish. It's showing responsibility for my recovery. (***END Soapbox***