i'm back, advice?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 131
i'm back, advice?
hi all, i've been away from here since november. not drinking any alcohol at all is proving to be a challenge. i go three or four days and then have three glasses of wine three nights in a row. then three or four days, then the three glasses of wine for three nights. i'm getting better not drinking, but it's still there.
here's the other problem.
has anyone had any experience with quitting alcohol while involved with an active alcoholic?
i don't know, i seem to cope really well not drinking until i see or speak with my alcoholic boyfriend. i asked him to leave my home last October due to his daily alcohol consumption and his emotional and physical abuse of me. now he is pressuring me to come back "home." we still see one another on occassion. i feel bad for him. he has nothing financially and had to move into a real dump. but we were not married and this is my home where i am trying to raise my daughter.
after a few weeks apart, we really wanted to work things out. a new healthier lifestyle for both of us. he has no real intention of doing that though. he says he goes to AA but when i go to his place it is filled with beer cans. we had plans for a sober new years eve and he stood me up. called me 10PM and he was drunk. said he'd be right over. never showed up. i called him at midnight and he was really really drunk. (i have to say, there is nothing like conversing with a drunk when you are not, he was pitifully incoherent. it's a great eye opener). anyway, i cried. he called me at 2am said he'd be over. i said i'm sleeping. somehow he blamed me for his not showing up.
although i feel bad for him and his horrible living situation, i don't think i can take him back and stop drinking while living with an VERY active alcoholic. i know if he does come back my attempts to stay alcohol free will go right out the window. we will be back to square one. drinking and arguing. actually when i'm NOT drinking we STILL argue as he is a difficult person to have an adult conversation with when he is drunk OR sober (though i have never actually SEEN him fully sober in seven years of knowing him!!). i find that if i am drinking too my anger at him for past and present abusive behavior comes out full tilt boogie. it's like i'm not afraid to tell him what i really think and how i feel when i've had a couple.
tonight was a repeat of new years. he was to come over for dinner so i made a very nice meal and he never showed up. didn't call or anything. i cried. (and i drank three glasses of wine, which made me cry even more).
i have two issues going on here. i need to not drink and i need not to be with an alcoholic who is drinking then verbally and emotionlly abusive. i have been so very hurt by him over the years. he won't admit to hurting me, and THAT hurts me! he thinks i should just "get past it." it all lives in me. the hurt, the pain, the anger. being stood up on new year's was so typical of his behavior. WHY DO I KEEP THINKING HE WILL CHANGE? he won't. but i am changing slowly. i am different. stronger somehow. and he doesn't like it one little bit.
we were on our way out to dinner the other night and of couse he can't drive without drinking. it made me unhappy that he knew i don't like that behavior, but he did it anyway. just to "show" me that he will do as he pleases whether it bothers me or not.
so. my therapist says if my comfort zone does not include having him back in my living space then i shouldn't allow it. it's lonesome sometimes, but i feel i'm so much better off. it's easier to work on myself without him around.
so there's where i'm at. feeling pretty good about positive changes i have made in my lifestyle (though i haven't perfected them yet), but feeling miserable that i lost seven years of my life to this man and still hoping somehow it will work out between us.
thanks for listening. i'm a mess over this relationship with an alcoholic that i can't seem to let go of. my doctor said the further i get from the abusive relationship the easier it will be for me to stop drinking totally. i feel that is true. abused women often overdrink it seems.
Thanks for listening. Needed to write it down.
Linda
here's the other problem.
has anyone had any experience with quitting alcohol while involved with an active alcoholic?
i don't know, i seem to cope really well not drinking until i see or speak with my alcoholic boyfriend. i asked him to leave my home last October due to his daily alcohol consumption and his emotional and physical abuse of me. now he is pressuring me to come back "home." we still see one another on occassion. i feel bad for him. he has nothing financially and had to move into a real dump. but we were not married and this is my home where i am trying to raise my daughter.
after a few weeks apart, we really wanted to work things out. a new healthier lifestyle for both of us. he has no real intention of doing that though. he says he goes to AA but when i go to his place it is filled with beer cans. we had plans for a sober new years eve and he stood me up. called me 10PM and he was drunk. said he'd be right over. never showed up. i called him at midnight and he was really really drunk. (i have to say, there is nothing like conversing with a drunk when you are not, he was pitifully incoherent. it's a great eye opener). anyway, i cried. he called me at 2am said he'd be over. i said i'm sleeping. somehow he blamed me for his not showing up.
although i feel bad for him and his horrible living situation, i don't think i can take him back and stop drinking while living with an VERY active alcoholic. i know if he does come back my attempts to stay alcohol free will go right out the window. we will be back to square one. drinking and arguing. actually when i'm NOT drinking we STILL argue as he is a difficult person to have an adult conversation with when he is drunk OR sober (though i have never actually SEEN him fully sober in seven years of knowing him!!). i find that if i am drinking too my anger at him for past and present abusive behavior comes out full tilt boogie. it's like i'm not afraid to tell him what i really think and how i feel when i've had a couple.
tonight was a repeat of new years. he was to come over for dinner so i made a very nice meal and he never showed up. didn't call or anything. i cried. (and i drank three glasses of wine, which made me cry even more).
i have two issues going on here. i need to not drink and i need not to be with an alcoholic who is drinking then verbally and emotionlly abusive. i have been so very hurt by him over the years. he won't admit to hurting me, and THAT hurts me! he thinks i should just "get past it." it all lives in me. the hurt, the pain, the anger. being stood up on new year's was so typical of his behavior. WHY DO I KEEP THINKING HE WILL CHANGE? he won't. but i am changing slowly. i am different. stronger somehow. and he doesn't like it one little bit.
we were on our way out to dinner the other night and of couse he can't drive without drinking. it made me unhappy that he knew i don't like that behavior, but he did it anyway. just to "show" me that he will do as he pleases whether it bothers me or not.
so. my therapist says if my comfort zone does not include having him back in my living space then i shouldn't allow it. it's lonesome sometimes, but i feel i'm so much better off. it's easier to work on myself without him around.
so there's where i'm at. feeling pretty good about positive changes i have made in my lifestyle (though i haven't perfected them yet), but feeling miserable that i lost seven years of my life to this man and still hoping somehow it will work out between us.
thanks for listening. i'm a mess over this relationship with an alcoholic that i can't seem to let go of. my doctor said the further i get from the abusive relationship the easier it will be for me to stop drinking totally. i feel that is true. abused women often overdrink it seems.
Thanks for listening. Needed to write it down.
Linda
body ~ mind ~ spirit
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Geelong, Australia
Posts: 582
Hi Linda,
I don't really think you need my advice, you seem to be working it out pretty well for yourself!
I will tell you about my brother and his wife though, they started dating through work. They drank together, everyone who got on with Mark would have to drink quite a lot, no point otherwise, his whole world revolved around it.
He was a lovely bloke though, just an alcoholic. He moved into her home, they got married. He ended up leaving his job and not working, he lied about how much he drank, he stole money from his wife, he lay in bed all day and did nothing but drink. She told him to leave, just couldn't take it any more, she was working and looking after her elder parents. He moved to another city and in with me for a couple of weeks.
But I am an alcoholic too (was sober) and just could not cope with having him with me and around my children. He left and found accomodation in a men's shelter. He kept drinking. I know he was in contact with his wife quite a bit to start with but over time he started saying what a so and so she was. He complained about his whole family, no one was helping him out, everyone was selfish. He continued to drink and drink. We buried him last year. In the end he was on his own by his own choosing. The people he lived with said he changed enormously in the last year and was caustic to every single person who lived in the place. He had been served his eviction notice 6 months before he died and ignored it.
I loved my brother, his wife loved him, my parents and brothers and sisters loved him. This whole alcoholism thing just gets worse and worse, and no one can make an alcoholic quit drinking. Mark took his wife down a path of abuse and I for one am glad she finally said enough is enough. Life is too short to keep going through that.
Stay strong, it gets better and better if you make the right choices.
love brigid
I don't really think you need my advice, you seem to be working it out pretty well for yourself!
I will tell you about my brother and his wife though, they started dating through work. They drank together, everyone who got on with Mark would have to drink quite a lot, no point otherwise, his whole world revolved around it.
He was a lovely bloke though, just an alcoholic. He moved into her home, they got married. He ended up leaving his job and not working, he lied about how much he drank, he stole money from his wife, he lay in bed all day and did nothing but drink. She told him to leave, just couldn't take it any more, she was working and looking after her elder parents. He moved to another city and in with me for a couple of weeks.
But I am an alcoholic too (was sober) and just could not cope with having him with me and around my children. He left and found accomodation in a men's shelter. He kept drinking. I know he was in contact with his wife quite a bit to start with but over time he started saying what a so and so she was. He complained about his whole family, no one was helping him out, everyone was selfish. He continued to drink and drink. We buried him last year. In the end he was on his own by his own choosing. The people he lived with said he changed enormously in the last year and was caustic to every single person who lived in the place. He had been served his eviction notice 6 months before he died and ignored it.
I loved my brother, his wife loved him, my parents and brothers and sisters loved him. This whole alcoholism thing just gets worse and worse, and no one can make an alcoholic quit drinking. Mark took his wife down a path of abuse and I for one am glad she finally said enough is enough. Life is too short to keep going through that.
Stay strong, it gets better and better if you make the right choices.
love brigid
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Hi Rider... Please stay in focus.
Feeling lonely is better than enduring abuse.
Your daughter and you deserve a calm future.
I have found great friends in AA...are you attending?
Blessings and Hugs to the 2 of you
Feeling lonely is better than enduring abuse.
Your daughter and you deserve a calm future.
I have found great friends in AA...are you attending?
Blessings and Hugs to the 2 of you
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 131
oh brigid, that story is so sad. i am sorry for all of your family's pain. i see this happening with my bf too. he is getting worse it seems since he has left my home. i was keeping him together in some small way. he has alienated many people. he blames everyone else in the world for the fact that he has no money, no home. he doesn't really want a job. getting up and getting to work is difficult for hm. he works for himself sporadically. such a waste. he has so much potential. he is 50 now and looks much older. and he is so very angry inside. i could feel it when with him. i guess from what he says i should just be happy that he isn't shooting heroin any longer! my god. i have no idea how i got involved with such a man except to say that he was handsome, charming and intelligent and i had no idea he was such a substance abuser. it never occurred to me. when i realized it, i kept trying to help. to no avail.
thanks for your sharing. it gives me much insight.
linda
thanks for your sharing. it gives me much insight.
linda
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 131
hi carol,
thanks so much for your reply. you are so steadfast and grounded it seems, so peaceful in your skin.
no i'm not attending AA. i just can't seem to embrace it. everyone at the one meeting i attended seems to be so evangelical about the whole thing. maybe i just need to find the right group for me. i am seeing an alcohol therapist and she recommended al-anon. she doesn't seem to think i'm an alcoholic, though she thinks i have that tendency. i KNOW i have that tendency.
yes lonely is better than abuse. i am just now after three months getting used to being on my own again. i have made some good friends actually. i never had friends when i was with my bf. he was always jealous or had something negative to say of anyone i became friendly with.
yes. you are right. focus on me. i need to let the bf go. not just part of the way, all of the way. (then he'll straighten out, and someone will get this great guy. after i went through all the hell.) sigh.
linda
thanks so much for your reply. you are so steadfast and grounded it seems, so peaceful in your skin.
no i'm not attending AA. i just can't seem to embrace it. everyone at the one meeting i attended seems to be so evangelical about the whole thing. maybe i just need to find the right group for me. i am seeing an alcohol therapist and she recommended al-anon. she doesn't seem to think i'm an alcoholic, though she thinks i have that tendency. i KNOW i have that tendency.
yes lonely is better than abuse. i am just now after three months getting used to being on my own again. i have made some good friends actually. i never had friends when i was with my bf. he was always jealous or had something negative to say of anyone i became friendly with.
yes. you are right. focus on me. i need to let the bf go. not just part of the way, all of the way. (then he'll straighten out, and someone will get this great guy. after i went through all the hell.) sigh.
linda
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
O Linda...this is NOT a great guy!
I would not touch him with a 10 foot pole.
Looks fade...charm wears thin,,,booze dulls ones mind.
He is a loser...not working....drinking...homeless...angry
and worst of all abusive to you.
Not all loves are forever...some are toxic!
I am sure your too nice for this situation.
I know I am....
I would not touch him with a 10 foot pole.
Looks fade...charm wears thin,,,booze dulls ones mind.
He is a loser...not working....drinking...homeless...angry
and worst of all abusive to you.
Not all loves are forever...some are toxic!
I am sure your too nice for this situation.
I know I am....
Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Leaving Sparta
Posts: 2,912
Rider, good to have you back.
It may be for the best if you avoided contact with this man for a while. Yes you feel sorry for him and you might feel that way for a long time to come but you are not responsible for him and you certainly can't fix him.
Focus more on yourself and on your own drinking.
People do change but I think you have heard enough talk for this relationship. Only positive action from him should determine if you decide to let him back into your life again.Anything else is only fantasizing.
It may be for the best if you avoided contact with this man for a while. Yes you feel sorry for him and you might feel that way for a long time to come but you are not responsible for him and you certainly can't fix him.
Focus more on yourself and on your own drinking.
People do change but I think you have heard enough talk for this relationship. Only positive action from him should determine if you decide to let him back into your life again.Anything else is only fantasizing.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Minneapolis MN
Posts: 404
Welcome back
I have some advice - keep looking for an AA meeting that you find is a good fit. Being around sober people that face the same challenges that you face can help tremendously. You need to keep trying - if I can quit drinking, then you can too. I wish you luck!
JMHS
I have some advice - keep looking for an AA meeting that you find is a good fit. Being around sober people that face the same challenges that you face can help tremendously. You need to keep trying - if I can quit drinking, then you can too. I wish you luck!
JMHS
body ~ mind ~ spirit
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Geelong, Australia
Posts: 582
Originally Posted by rider
yes. you are right. focus on me. i need to let the bf go. not just part of the way, all of the way. (then he'll straighten out, and someone will get this great guy. after i went through all the hell.)
Stay strong, enjoy your friendships! I so love my girl friends, they are awesome.
love brigid
alconaut
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Motor City
Posts: 729
Rider, I absolutely, 100% think you have made the right decision to move on with your life. It sounds like you reached the point where you did all you could.
It's all about you and your daughter now! I'm not sure how old she is, but regardless of that, it's so important to remember that she will learn how to take care of herself as an adult woman by following your example.
You have your whole life ahead of you.... ENJOY!!
It's all about you and your daughter now! I'm not sure how old she is, but regardless of that, it's so important to remember that she will learn how to take care of herself as an adult woman by following your example.
You have your whole life ahead of you.... ENJOY!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 16
I am soo glad your here. You are loved and cared about. Please remember that none of this was your fault. You should focus on the warm and happy things in your life and make sure you smile everyday and enjoy life to the fullest. We are all only human and need to love ourselves unconditionally.
Huggies and Kisses,
Me
Huggies and Kisses,
Me
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 131
oh my god. i missed you guys. the support is incredible. i really AM doing so much better. compared to where i was. i'm not obsessing about alcohol, i seem to be obsessing more about smoking (tomorrow is my designated quit smoking day) exercising more, and how smoking and alcohol are spoiling health (i just turned 50, hopefully have another 50 years to go!). financially, things are difficult without the "little bit" extra from the bf, but what i save on cigarettes and drinks will make up for that as his contribution was pretty small!
My daughter and i are so much closer these past few months and there's no friction. much of which was created by addict/alcoholic bf. i'm no longer caught up 24/7 in trying to figure out/control an addict. it's like a tornado went through for the past seven years and all is at peace now.
i know i have a ways to go to be totally alcohol free, but to me it's a major step to finally get this person out of my life and to spend more nights not drinking wine than drinking it. the positives are so apparent they seem to be self-perpetuating. i sleep like a rock, i have so much energy that i may launch myself into orbit pretty soon (look out those in Australia!), and i feel for the first time in years that i am in control of my space and my life again.
i'll keep reading and posting. this sight helps so very much.
best wishes to all.
My daughter and i are so much closer these past few months and there's no friction. much of which was created by addict/alcoholic bf. i'm no longer caught up 24/7 in trying to figure out/control an addict. it's like a tornado went through for the past seven years and all is at peace now.
i know i have a ways to go to be totally alcohol free, but to me it's a major step to finally get this person out of my life and to spend more nights not drinking wine than drinking it. the positives are so apparent they seem to be self-perpetuating. i sleep like a rock, i have so much energy that i may launch myself into orbit pretty soon (look out those in Australia!), and i feel for the first time in years that i am in control of my space and my life again.
i'll keep reading and posting. this sight helps so very much.
best wishes to all.
body ~ mind ~ spirit
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Geelong, Australia
Posts: 582
That sounds so good rider, so positive. I am with you, I am only half way through my life, so look out body, cleaning you out and getting ready for the next part. I think I will be a lot happier.
Can totally relate to the happiness with spending time with children. This is very peaceful and healing for me.
love brigid
Can totally relate to the happiness with spending time with children. This is very peaceful and healing for me.
love brigid
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 131
Brigid,
thanks so much and yes. exactly. cleaning out the old. in with the new. body, mind, and soul. why did it take so long to get to this point? it seems so simple really. but i think maybe only simple when that voice inside you says enough is enough. "too soon old and too late smart" as the saying goes. and i hear 50 is the new 30, so time to get it together. can't rely on my god given good health forever. i have to contribute for a change.
the good thing about quitting smoking right now is that my downfall when doing so before has always been alcohol. (so guess what, i never got past day one of quitting cigs of course!!! as i had drinks every cocktail hour). i cannot have a drink without having a cigarette. they go hand and hand for me. so i need to stay alcohol free to stay cigarette free. those three nights a week that i'm still sipping some wine will have to go by the wayside. it's funny though. one night i had only one glass of wine and i fell immediately to sleep. it didn't do anything else for me at all. just made me sleepy.
baby steps, but they are working.
love to you. peaceful is the best place to be.
thanks so much and yes. exactly. cleaning out the old. in with the new. body, mind, and soul. why did it take so long to get to this point? it seems so simple really. but i think maybe only simple when that voice inside you says enough is enough. "too soon old and too late smart" as the saying goes. and i hear 50 is the new 30, so time to get it together. can't rely on my god given good health forever. i have to contribute for a change.
the good thing about quitting smoking right now is that my downfall when doing so before has always been alcohol. (so guess what, i never got past day one of quitting cigs of course!!! as i had drinks every cocktail hour). i cannot have a drink without having a cigarette. they go hand and hand for me. so i need to stay alcohol free to stay cigarette free. those three nights a week that i'm still sipping some wine will have to go by the wayside. it's funny though. one night i had only one glass of wine and i fell immediately to sleep. it didn't do anything else for me at all. just made me sleepy.
baby steps, but they are working.
love to you. peaceful is the best place to be.
body ~ mind ~ spirit
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Geelong, Australia
Posts: 582
Originally Posted by rider
can't rely on my god given good health forever. i have to contribute for a change.
I have quit smoking again (for the umpteenth time), this time for good. Up to 12 days and I have decided I have to treat it like alcohol. No first one for me, not at all and 24 hours at a time or an hour at a time if necessary.
Good luck with yours, stay strong and let us know how you go.
love brigid
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