Looking for the A's point of view...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
Looking for the A's point of view...
My BF is an alcoholic.
Amongst our many troubles is the lack of intimacy in our relationship.
He doesn't go near me anymore.
When we first got together things where not what you would call "normal" but it was ALOT better than it is now.
Slowly over the last couple of years things have deteriorated in that department.
We don't have sex anymore, infact we don't do anything intimate anymore, not even kissing or flirting.
He says he doesn't want or need intimacy at this moment in time and if I can't accept that then I should finish the relationship.
He still watches porn when I'm not here, flirts with other women and masturbates frequently...but maintains that his lack of interest in me has nothing to do with me.
He says he has no sex drive because he drinks, but he's said other things which make me think it's not just the alcohol.
He says he has trouble being intimate with me because he has feelings for me...I don't get it!
If he doesn't want or feel the need to even flirt with me, why does he feel the need to flirt with other women?
If he has no sexual feelings, why does he watch porn and masturbate?
We've talked at length about this but it always ends up being a row because I don't understand the reasoning and then he thinks I'm having a go at him and goes on the defensive and is horrible to me.
I feel ugly, alone, unwanted, undesirable and neglected and it's REALLY getting to me but he doesn't seem to care.
Amongst our many troubles is the lack of intimacy in our relationship.
He doesn't go near me anymore.
When we first got together things where not what you would call "normal" but it was ALOT better than it is now.
Slowly over the last couple of years things have deteriorated in that department.
We don't have sex anymore, infact we don't do anything intimate anymore, not even kissing or flirting.
He says he doesn't want or need intimacy at this moment in time and if I can't accept that then I should finish the relationship.
He still watches porn when I'm not here, flirts with other women and masturbates frequently...but maintains that his lack of interest in me has nothing to do with me.
He says he has no sex drive because he drinks, but he's said other things which make me think it's not just the alcohol.
He says he has trouble being intimate with me because he has feelings for me...I don't get it!
If he doesn't want or feel the need to even flirt with me, why does he feel the need to flirt with other women?
If he has no sexual feelings, why does he watch porn and masturbate?
We've talked at length about this but it always ends up being a row because I don't understand the reasoning and then he thinks I'm having a go at him and goes on the defensive and is horrible to me.
I feel ugly, alone, unwanted, undesirable and neglected and it's REALLY getting to me but he doesn't seem to care.
Peace begins with a smile
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 173
Active alcoholics take hostages; not boyfriends and girlfriends. They are, by nature, very selfish and self centered people (and not on purpose, we know nothing else). And they don't know the meaning of selfless, unconditional love. YOU can not control anything he does. You can not change him. He will not change for you or anyone but himself.
My suggestion is you think long and hard about how much dignity and self respect you are willing to sacrafice for this person. You need to focus on how this makes you feel, realize that you DON'T have to feel this way. It's a choice you are making if you are waiting around for him to change. Your peace and happiness should be the most important thing to you in the world, and it will never come FROM a man, it comes from within. And at times we may find ourselves making choices where people, places and things are taking that away. And that is no one's fault but our own. We make our own choices. But in learning that, we realize we can make better choices away from those things that are slowly destroying us...
I suggest you check out the Alanon forum.
My suggestion is you think long and hard about how much dignity and self respect you are willing to sacrafice for this person. You need to focus on how this makes you feel, realize that you DON'T have to feel this way. It's a choice you are making if you are waiting around for him to change. Your peace and happiness should be the most important thing to you in the world, and it will never come FROM a man, it comes from within. And at times we may find ourselves making choices where people, places and things are taking that away. And that is no one's fault but our own. We make our own choices. But in learning that, we realize we can make better choices away from those things that are slowly destroying us...
I suggest you check out the Alanon forum.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Northeast, USA
Posts: 39
I would try to avoid my girlfriend if I smelled like booze. She could of course smell it, she knew what was going on, I was just fooling myself into thinking being in another room could hide the fact I slipped up yet again.
To be honest when I drank I would feel ashamed, dirty if you will. So even if she was not bothered by the smell and after enough sauce the lethargic behavior, I was troubled inside. It is hard to give off feelings of warmth when you feel like a dirtbag. I say dirtbag because that is the best word I can use to describe how I felt, that and like a failure.
So if he says he cannot be intimate because he has feelings for you, it could be the truth, at least in our minds when we are drunk. I did not want to subject anyone to my presence, let alone a loved one. Staying away was seen by me as the best thing I could do in my condition.
As far as the porn and masturbation. A girl on a computer screen or your left or right hand can't tell you smell like a brewry, it may be easier for him to do.
The old cliche "It is not you, it's me" may ring true in a situation like this. At least it did for me.
Hope this helps.
To be honest when I drank I would feel ashamed, dirty if you will. So even if she was not bothered by the smell and after enough sauce the lethargic behavior, I was troubled inside. It is hard to give off feelings of warmth when you feel like a dirtbag. I say dirtbag because that is the best word I can use to describe how I felt, that and like a failure.
So if he says he cannot be intimate because he has feelings for you, it could be the truth, at least in our minds when we are drunk. I did not want to subject anyone to my presence, let alone a loved one. Staying away was seen by me as the best thing I could do in my condition.
As far as the porn and masturbation. A girl on a computer screen or your left or right hand can't tell you smell like a brewry, it may be easier for him to do.
The old cliche "It is not you, it's me" may ring true in a situation like this. At least it did for me.
Hope this helps.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Why are you allowing a person to treat you so badly? 
Dunp the drunk and fet counseling so you can discover yourself.
Do not continue to be a professional victim.
Dunp the drunk and fet counseling so you can discover yourself.
Do not continue to be a professional victim.
Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Leaving Sparta
Posts: 2,912
Pornography and masturbation is not the same as Intimacy and sex.
Alcoholism is a full time job and your husband may be actively avoiding intimacy with you because it demands emotional energy and work.
Pornography satisfies his immediate needs because he does not have to do any work to get it.
What he probably means when he says he "Loves you too much to have sex with you..." is that he knows you need more than the physical act itself and he is emotionally incapable of delivering the intimacy........
Alcohol also affects male libido and he could probably be worried about being able to respond....
With pornography there is no pressure and he is complete control.
Perhaps too he may simply have lost interest in you romantically and does not have the courage to admit it.
I agree that seeing a counsellor might be able to help.At the vey least it is unlikely much is going to change unless he gets help for his drinking
Best of luck to you.
Alcoholism is a full time job and your husband may be actively avoiding intimacy with you because it demands emotional energy and work.
Pornography satisfies his immediate needs because he does not have to do any work to get it.
What he probably means when he says he "Loves you too much to have sex with you..." is that he knows you need more than the physical act itself and he is emotionally incapable of delivering the intimacy........
Alcohol also affects male libido and he could probably be worried about being able to respond....
With pornography there is no pressure and he is complete control.
Perhaps too he may simply have lost interest in you romantically and does not have the courage to admit it.
I agree that seeing a counsellor might be able to help.At the vey least it is unlikely much is going to change unless he gets help for his drinking
Best of luck to you.
Growing, Learning, Living
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Vacationing on earth
Posts: 836
Not wanting to be intimate with someone because you have feelings for them is also a major insecurity. I used to have the same problem. I could have a "one night stand" with someone, but if I felt that I might want a relationship with them, I would not be able to sleep with them. I think that there is a BIG difference between intimacy and the simple act of sex. When you are intimate with someone, you open yourself up. Revealing and taking that risk of being hurt or rejected. Sex is just a physical act. Anyone can do it. Also, porn & masturbation is influencing the way your boyfriend thinks and acts. I would suggest reading the book "Every Man's Battle" by John Eldredge. It deals with the issues every man faces on a daily basis. Lots of prayer to you.
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 1,432
I would imagine, missus, that he is riddled with anxiety. I wouldn't make any leap about his use of pornography or masturbation in terms of his attraction to you. They aren't necessarily connected. If he won't go to counseling with you, I'd urge you to go alone. It could help you redevelop your own sense of self-worth, consider what boundaries you want to accept, and look more clearly to your own future.
The book by Eldredge might be useful if you are an evangelical Christian. There are some interesting reviews at
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/157...lance&n=283155
The book by Eldredge might be useful if you are an evangelical Christian. There are some interesting reviews at
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/157...lance&n=283155
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
