Can you tell when it's Finally the Last Time?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Warm place, America
Posts: 65
Can you tell when it's Finally the Last Time?
I am now on day six and I swear these have been the worst days of my life in terms of stopping. I did not throw up, I was not hungover, I did not shake. IOW, I didn't have any typical symptoms of withdrawal. I woke up Sat a.m. at 6:15 and knew I had to go to a 7 a.m. meeting. I had no thoughts or plans of going at all. I had a slight pain on my side, that was enough. The day progressed and I ran into someone who gave me a copy of a book he'd written and published on his story of stopping drinking. He told me to read it and I did in a couple of hours. I never finish books. Then I went to his house and talked for four hours and asked him to be my sponsor.
I went through a lung thing for a few days where I could not breathe or sleep. I have asthma and smoke, but this was unlike any lung thing I have experienced. I *KNEW* with a bottle of wine I would be able to get my breathing under control, but I didn't drink. I actually used my inhaler instead and somehow made it through. It's as if all this pain was being kept down in my lungs just waiting for release. Does this sound strange? Chinese medicine says we store sadness and grief in our lungs.
Today I even took a risk and was honest with someone about my feelings, in spite of the fact I have a huge fear of rejection. It was either risk drinking or come clean and be honest. I chose honesty. Anyway, I am wondering if you knew somehow when you were really going to make it your last drink. I so envy people who walk into AA and just get it, but I've been like a revolving door for a very long time. Thanks.
I went through a lung thing for a few days where I could not breathe or sleep. I have asthma and smoke, but this was unlike any lung thing I have experienced. I *KNEW* with a bottle of wine I would be able to get my breathing under control, but I didn't drink. I actually used my inhaler instead and somehow made it through. It's as if all this pain was being kept down in my lungs just waiting for release. Does this sound strange? Chinese medicine says we store sadness and grief in our lungs.
Today I even took a risk and was honest with someone about my feelings, in spite of the fact I have a huge fear of rejection. It was either risk drinking or come clean and be honest. I chose honesty. Anyway, I am wondering if you knew somehow when you were really going to make it your last drink. I so envy people who walk into AA and just get it, but I've been like a revolving door for a very long time. Thanks.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
I have been dry for over 15 years but I still can't say it's finally my last time.
I can tell you that over time, the space between a desire to drink has gotten bigger. The will power of saying no, just for today, has gotten stronger as well.
How I feel and when I started to feel like I do was a progression.
I feel like I can say I have had my final drink but I know that I could also fall into the trap of convincing myself that "just one" wouldn't hurt. Just one is all it would take for a repeat of the past so... just for today I will strive to say no more.
It does get easier with every day I remain dry.
The full conviction of change I guess you could say, happened when I started to work the steps.
Your seeking to open up and be honest about things tells me you are well on the way of the right path.
Keep up the good work. It does get easier.
I can tell you that over time, the space between a desire to drink has gotten bigger. The will power of saying no, just for today, has gotten stronger as well.
How I feel and when I started to feel like I do was a progression.
I feel like I can say I have had my final drink but I know that I could also fall into the trap of convincing myself that "just one" wouldn't hurt. Just one is all it would take for a repeat of the past so... just for today I will strive to say no more.
It does get easier with every day I remain dry.
The full conviction of change I guess you could say, happened when I started to work the steps.
Your seeking to open up and be honest about things tells me you are well on the way of the right path.
Keep up the good work. It does get easier.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Zion, Illinois
Posts: 3,411
SC,
All I know is the day I went to my first AA meeting was the last time for me. Is it the last time I drink though....who knows? I know that I just do it one day at a time. If I do today, what I did yesterday, chances are I won't take that first drink. It's up to me as to whether I take another drink. I know people say that God and AA are in there too, and I agree, but if I don't do the necessary things to stay in touch with God and go to meetings, it's just a matter of time.
Just hang in there....ok. It'll get better but time needs time.
All I know is the day I went to my first AA meeting was the last time for me. Is it the last time I drink though....who knows? I know that I just do it one day at a time. If I do today, what I did yesterday, chances are I won't take that first drink. It's up to me as to whether I take another drink. I know people say that God and AA are in there too, and I agree, but if I don't do the necessary things to stay in touch with God and go to meetings, it's just a matter of time.
Just hang in there....ok. It'll get better but time needs time.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Faraway, CO
Posts: 162
Originally Posted by Secondchances
I actually used my inhaler instead and somehow made it through. It's as if all this pain was being kept down in my lungs just waiting for release. Does this sound strange? Chinese medicine says we store sadness and grief in our lungs.
Today I even took a risk and was honest with someone about my feelings, in spite of the fact I have a huge fear of rejection. It was either risk drinking or come clean and be honest. I chose honesty. Anyway, I am wondering if you knew somehow when you were really going to make it your last drink. I so envy people who walk into AA and just get it, but I've been like a revolving door for a very long time. Thanks.
Being willing to trust is a huge step, IMO. Keep it up, it gets better and better.
The last time I drank, I was miserable before I picked up the drink and miserable afterward. Nothing new. But the next day things changed. Nothing extraordinary happened but my whole life changed. It's too long to go into, and I don't want to hijack your thread, but keep trusting and keep coming back. All that stuff they say, go to meetings, get a sponsor, all that. You'll make it.
Hugs,
Tracy
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Georgia
Posts: 471
I know I feel willing to do whatever it takes for the first time in many years. I did really want to stay sober before, but I let so much stand in my way. Fear, desire to drink, dishonestly, my relationship, etc. So now I feel different, and I know what you mean. I asked God to take away my desire to drink and now I don't even notice when I pass the liquor stores anymore. I don't really think about it. What a blessing! But I know Music is right about us having to do the necessary things to keep it this way. I'm willing to do that today and it sounds like you are, too. I hope we stay willing!
Michael
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: London England
Posts: 291
Secondchances,
When I gave up alcohol this time I really and truly knew that I was going to do it and keep at it. I am not a spiritual person and I can only describe my experience in rational terms.
I had been struggling with alcohol for a few years, all the time my consumption was increasing slowly but surely. Most mornings I would get up hungover and be consumed with self loathing and a transient desire to alter my behaviour. By midday I had had the hair of the dog and was back on the treadmill. The right time to give up never came along.
On Sunday 23rd January I was rooting around at home looking for my "secret" stash of booze when I suddenly realised what I was doing and what I had become. I made an instant and irrevocable, decision to quit. I went downstairs, told my wife everything and made a promise to remain sober from then on.
I went to AA but given my non-existent spirituality and an inability to identify with the notion of helplessness I did not last long there.
I also found the stories from others to be counter productive. I would sit there thinking "I am not like these people...they are alcoholics, I can't be". All in all it was just not the right environment for me. I searched the web and found a few sites, here, rational recovery and SMART among them, that worked for me.
So in a roundabout way I suppose that my experience of an enlightened moment confirms that these events do occur. The only way I can explain it is that my drink soaked brain (I had been drinking for about nine hours, substantial quantities of beer, gin, baccardi and at least a bottle of wine) suddenly made the connection between the mess I was in and the amount of alcohol I was consuming. From that moment I was completely lucid and my thinking brain was back in charge. My addicted brain had been defeated and remains so.
Michael
When I gave up alcohol this time I really and truly knew that I was going to do it and keep at it. I am not a spiritual person and I can only describe my experience in rational terms.
I had been struggling with alcohol for a few years, all the time my consumption was increasing slowly but surely. Most mornings I would get up hungover and be consumed with self loathing and a transient desire to alter my behaviour. By midday I had had the hair of the dog and was back on the treadmill. The right time to give up never came along.
On Sunday 23rd January I was rooting around at home looking for my "secret" stash of booze when I suddenly realised what I was doing and what I had become. I made an instant and irrevocable, decision to quit. I went downstairs, told my wife everything and made a promise to remain sober from then on.
I went to AA but given my non-existent spirituality and an inability to identify with the notion of helplessness I did not last long there.
I also found the stories from others to be counter productive. I would sit there thinking "I am not like these people...they are alcoholics, I can't be". All in all it was just not the right environment for me. I searched the web and found a few sites, here, rational recovery and SMART among them, that worked for me.
So in a roundabout way I suppose that my experience of an enlightened moment confirms that these events do occur. The only way I can explain it is that my drink soaked brain (I had been drinking for about nine hours, substantial quantities of beer, gin, baccardi and at least a bottle of wine) suddenly made the connection between the mess I was in and the amount of alcohol I was consuming. From that moment I was completely lucid and my thinking brain was back in charge. My addicted brain had been defeated and remains so.
Michael
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Midwest
Posts: 18
SC,
After nine years of "trying" to quit, I begin attending a month ago, and my compulsion to drink is absent 98 percent of the time. The key for me was finally "getting" a higher power.
As far as physical symptoms, for the first two weeks I had trouble sleeping, short term memory loss, and felt slightly sick in the stomach some mornings. I coughed a lot too.
Please hang in there.
After nine years of "trying" to quit, I begin attending a month ago, and my compulsion to drink is absent 98 percent of the time. The key for me was finally "getting" a higher power.
As far as physical symptoms, for the first two weeks I had trouble sleeping, short term memory loss, and felt slightly sick in the stomach some mornings. I coughed a lot too.
Please hang in there.
Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Leaving Sparta
Posts: 2,912
I remember putting down my last drink in 1998 and i clearly remember the concious thought I had that I was finally done.
I was clear headed and still sober at the time and I was working on my third bottle of Guinness when I caught a reflection of myself in the mirror at the back of the bar.I had just blown 9 months of sobriety over some minor issues in my life and the face I saw staring back at me looked scared, confused ,sad and very very old........
That was when the stark realization that I was an alcoholic hit me........I was an alcoholic and drinking was always going to be the best solution I could find to deal with life's little challenges unless I came up with something better.......I had been sober in AA for nine months and yet at the first sign of adversity I ran for a drink.
So yes, when I put that bottle down and paid my bill and walked out I knew I was finally done.I went home and I called my sponsor and made arrangement to start working the Twelve Steps for Recovery the way the oldtimers in AA talked about it.
I stopped lying to myself and paying lipservice at the meetings......but the most important change i made was "I let go of the reservation I had been holding on to that I would one day be able to drink again."
If I held on to even 1% of the belief that maybe somehow I would be able to successfully have a drink again it would be the proverbial hole in the dam that would one day wash me away.
I was clear headed and still sober at the time and I was working on my third bottle of Guinness when I caught a reflection of myself in the mirror at the back of the bar.I had just blown 9 months of sobriety over some minor issues in my life and the face I saw staring back at me looked scared, confused ,sad and very very old........
That was when the stark realization that I was an alcoholic hit me........I was an alcoholic and drinking was always going to be the best solution I could find to deal with life's little challenges unless I came up with something better.......I had been sober in AA for nine months and yet at the first sign of adversity I ran for a drink.
So yes, when I put that bottle down and paid my bill and walked out I knew I was finally done.I went home and I called my sponsor and made arrangement to start working the Twelve Steps for Recovery the way the oldtimers in AA talked about it.
I stopped lying to myself and paying lipservice at the meetings......but the most important change i made was "I let go of the reservation I had been holding on to that I would one day be able to drink again."
If I held on to even 1% of the belief that maybe somehow I would be able to successfully have a drink again it would be the proverbial hole in the dam that would one day wash me away.
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