Wrecked by drinking...
Not the center of the Universe
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Orchard Lake, Michigan
Posts: 974
Originally Posted by Richey
there doesn't seem to be any way to be 'free of it all'...
...I was never brought up to show emotions...the only emotions boys were allowed were anger and occasionally happiness in my house...
...I was never brought up to show emotions...the only emotions boys were allowed were anger and occasionally happiness in my house...
WHAT A HEAPING PILE OF STEAMING $%#@ !
It wasn't until I let go of this idea absolutely that I could even begin to recover.
One Love, One Heart, Jah Bless
Tony
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Kingston, NY
Posts: 390
Hi there, Richey...
I can hear echoes of myself in your words - the part about not wanting to delve into old, bad feelings most especially. Unfortunately, as I have reluctantly been discovering over the past few years, you really do have to delve. It sucks, and it's harder than I'd ever imagined, and I am very far from done with it... but I can sense the freedom that can be had by finally feeling and really thinking about old wounds - and thereby healing. The alcohol and drugs and cutting are tools that we use to deal with internal pain and chaos - but these tools are crude and of course ultimately self-destructive. I speak from experience.
I certainly don't have it all figured out, so I'm probably the last person who should be trying to give advice, but I'd like you to know that you're not alone. There are others of us trying to work through the same kinds of pain and confusion and tangle of (suppressed) emotion. And it goes without saying that we're all alcoholics and addicts, so we surely know that part of the equation all too well.
I, too, wish I had the right words to help you.
best wishes... and please keep coming back,
anne
I can hear echoes of myself in your words - the part about not wanting to delve into old, bad feelings most especially. Unfortunately, as I have reluctantly been discovering over the past few years, you really do have to delve. It sucks, and it's harder than I'd ever imagined, and I am very far from done with it... but I can sense the freedom that can be had by finally feeling and really thinking about old wounds - and thereby healing. The alcohol and drugs and cutting are tools that we use to deal with internal pain and chaos - but these tools are crude and of course ultimately self-destructive. I speak from experience.
I certainly don't have it all figured out, so I'm probably the last person who should be trying to give advice, but I'd like you to know that you're not alone. There are others of us trying to work through the same kinds of pain and confusion and tangle of (suppressed) emotion. And it goes without saying that we're all alcoholics and addicts, so we surely know that part of the equation all too well.
I, too, wish I had the right words to help you.
best wishes... and please keep coming back,
anne
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
(((Richey)))
I was reading last night about how our subconscious and our conscious can get into terrible battles trying to reconcile what has happened to us in our past. This can result in doing anything to stop those unconscious thoughts coming out - including using and cutting. Anything to distract us. The only way to stop it is to address those unconscious thoughts in a safe environment so that they aren't as threatening any more.
Not sure if this is right, but it certainly gives me food for thought.
I was reading last night about how our subconscious and our conscious can get into terrible battles trying to reconcile what has happened to us in our past. This can result in doing anything to stop those unconscious thoughts coming out - including using and cutting. Anything to distract us. The only way to stop it is to address those unconscious thoughts in a safe environment so that they aren't as threatening any more.
Not sure if this is right, but it certainly gives me food for thought.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: London, UK
Posts: 358
Originally Posted by Lunachic
Richey...Hey my friend, I haven't been checking into SR the last month or so, but I remember when I first joined..about 4 months ago, I followed your "posts", and I truly believe you have tried desperatly to find some answers!!
I don't have enough sobriety to give you any miricles..BUT I have to tell you YOU CAN DO THIS!! Prior to my vehicular assult..and getting in the program, I worked with young kids..under 18 yrs. in a shelter here in Portland, OR. Drugs, alcohol, and self injurious behavior is how they too ecscaped the pain of life, the past hurts of family..no family. Honestly they had been givin' a BAD HAND at birth.
Help is out there Richey, YOU NEED TO FIND IT!! It's not about the money. I believe you know that. Do this for yourself, life is too short as it is. Talk to those at the hospital please. They can and will help you.
You will run out of time if you don't!! The pain will go away if your dead. And the pain CAN go away if you seek help.
If you need to talk let me know. Take care Richey
You are in my prayers, Lunachic/Lynda
I don't have enough sobriety to give you any miricles..BUT I have to tell you YOU CAN DO THIS!! Prior to my vehicular assult..and getting in the program, I worked with young kids..under 18 yrs. in a shelter here in Portland, OR. Drugs, alcohol, and self injurious behavior is how they too ecscaped the pain of life, the past hurts of family..no family. Honestly they had been givin' a BAD HAND at birth.
Help is out there Richey, YOU NEED TO FIND IT!! It's not about the money. I believe you know that. Do this for yourself, life is too short as it is. Talk to those at the hospital please. They can and will help you.
You will run out of time if you don't!! The pain will go away if your dead. And the pain CAN go away if you seek help.
If you need to talk let me know. Take care Richey
You are in my prayers, Lunachic/Lynda
... a lot of it has to do with family problems at the moment... i try to stay away from it as much as possible but the other night I ended p deciding with my sister that if he ever came after one of us again the other would stab him. I don't want to go into details...but that's how bad it's got. And NO... NO ONE will help... social services and the police don't give a ****... seriously... they didn't care when blood was spilt before...they're not going to care until some dies...
it's scary. Not just for myself... I constantly worry about my mother and sister... what he will do to THEM... my mam will never say anything... she'd sooner die...and she probably will.
It's selfish i know but i want to pretend it doesn't exist... twice I've hurt myself just to get put in a secure ward because it's the only place i've felt SAFE!
I need to drink so it doesn't hurt...i need to drink until i pass out...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: London, UK
Posts: 358
Originally Posted by livlaphluv
Richey - I wish I had just the right words for you right now. This thread breaks my heart! (((hugs))) to you. You are not really bad at being human, being human is hard for all of us, even harder when plagued with this disease we all struggle with. But help is available, all you have to do is seek it out. Your in my thoughts and prayers.
livlaphluv
livlaphluv
i've sought out help before...but 'help' didn't help... the only thing that would ever help would be for alcohol to stop exuisting and the word to be filled with rainbows and kittens because im too ******* WEAK to deal with anything less...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: London, UK
Posts: 358
Originally Posted by findingout
Me too, brother, me too. I was also brought up to believe that asking for and/or accepting the help of others when it was offered was in some way even worse than any problem I might have. True men, as I was led to believe, just don't do it. They were either supposed to pull themselves up by their own boot straps or suffer stoically in silence...
WHAT A HEAPING PILE OF STEAMING $%#@ !
It wasn't until I let go of this idea absolutely that I could even begin to recover.
One Love, One Heart, Jah Bless
Tony
WHAT A HEAPING PILE OF STEAMING $%#@ !
It wasn't until I let go of this idea absolutely that I could even begin to recover.
One Love, One Heart, Jah Bless
Tony
I know the way I was brought up to think that was wrong...but no matter what I do i just can't shake that feeling... when i got asked by a therapist to tell them how i was 'feeling' i just cracked up laughing...i couldn't bring myself to say it face to face with a person...it felt so weak and self-indulgent... i was cringing inside... i wanted to crawl into a hole and die.
I'm thinking about asking for a male therapist because hopefully they will phrase things in a less embarrassing way...yet...it might be worse because letting my guard mdown in front of a woman seems less pitiful than in front of a man. I'm so bloody sexist and biased...i HATE it!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: London, UK
Posts: 358
Originally Posted by quercusalba
Hi there, Richey...
I can hear echoes of myself in your words - the part about not wanting to delve into old, bad feelings most especially. Unfortunately, as I have reluctantly been discovering over the past few years, you really do have to delve. It sucks, and it's harder than I'd ever imagined, and I am very far from done with it... but I can sense the freedom that can be had by finally feeling and really thinking about old wounds - and thereby healing. The alcohol and drugs and cutting are tools that we use to deal with internal pain and chaos - but these tools are crude and of course ultimately self-destructive. I speak from experience.
I certainly don't have it all figured out, so I'm probably the last person who should be trying to give advice, but I'd like you to know that you're not alone. There are others of us trying to work through the same kinds of pain and confusion and tangle of (suppressed) emotion. And it goes without saying that we're all alcoholics and addicts, so we surely know that part of the equation all too well.
I, too, wish I had the right words to help you.
best wishes... and please keep coming back,
anne
I can hear echoes of myself in your words - the part about not wanting to delve into old, bad feelings most especially. Unfortunately, as I have reluctantly been discovering over the past few years, you really do have to delve. It sucks, and it's harder than I'd ever imagined, and I am very far from done with it... but I can sense the freedom that can be had by finally feeling and really thinking about old wounds - and thereby healing. The alcohol and drugs and cutting are tools that we use to deal with internal pain and chaos - but these tools are crude and of course ultimately self-destructive. I speak from experience.
I certainly don't have it all figured out, so I'm probably the last person who should be trying to give advice, but I'd like you to know that you're not alone. There are others of us trying to work through the same kinds of pain and confusion and tangle of (suppressed) emotion. And it goes without saying that we're all alcoholics and addicts, so we surely know that part of the equation all too well.
I, too, wish I had the right words to help you.
best wishes... and please keep coming back,
anne
i've tried delving...once i even told them EVERYTHING... the most terriblethings in my life...and they brushed it off as if it's NOTHING!
i'm NEVER doing it again... NEVER! it hurt so much to bring it up...in the start i was writing it down because i couldn'y even say the words...and then whispering... it was so hard...geez, ****, I'm crying right now thinking about it...and it meant NOTHING to them! It nearly sent me over the edge...well...it did... i got a razor blade and pair of scissors and practically destroyed myself...hacked off my hair...cut out chunks of my face...torn my clothes up... i walked 7 miles in the middle of the night... barely wearing anything... in november... i got frost bite and was on crutches for months.
i hate mental health people now...i don't trust them...all they've done is hurt me all over again... not only did i have to relive things that make me cry just to think about...but i also got the 'well, other people have had worse' response... and it was more than i could take.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: London, UK
Posts: 358
Originally Posted by minnie
(((Richey)))
I was reading last night about how our subconscious and our conscious can get into terrible battles trying to reconcile what has happened to us in our past. This can result in doing anything to stop those unconscious thoughts coming out - including using and cutting. Anything to distract us. The only way to stop it is to address those unconscious thoughts in a safe environment so that they aren't as threatening any more.
Not sure if this is right, but it certainly gives me food for thought.
I was reading last night about how our subconscious and our conscious can get into terrible battles trying to reconcile what has happened to us in our past. This can result in doing anything to stop those unconscious thoughts coming out - including using and cutting. Anything to distract us. The only way to stop it is to address those unconscious thoughts in a safe environment so that they aren't as threatening any more.
Not sure if this is right, but it certainly gives me food for thought.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Orange County, CA
Posts: 69
[QUOTE=Richey
It's selfish i know but i want to pretend it doesn't exist... .[/QUOTE]
Richey, I am not one to give advice. As a matter a fact, I am still a daily drinker. I have came from many family problems, as well as a childhood where school equaled being bullied. You do not have to pretend that certain things in your life do not exist. Hell, when I was seven years old, I went to a daycare center that was so corrupt, that the experiences I went through will probably stick with me for quite some time.
It's selfish i know but i want to pretend it doesn't exist... .[/QUOTE]
Richey, I am not one to give advice. As a matter a fact, I am still a daily drinker. I have came from many family problems, as well as a childhood where school equaled being bullied. You do not have to pretend that certain things in your life do not exist. Hell, when I was seven years old, I went to a daycare center that was so corrupt, that the experiences I went through will probably stick with me for quite some time.
In Memory Of
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Connecticut.
Posts: 3,736
Hey Richey!
You sound deppressed to me,sweetie.Why not get some help for that? I find just living in the day and staying free from mind altering substances,really helps.Life is painful sometimes,but together we get thru it.I have the feeling that if you see a shrink and address your deppression,thing's may start to look alittle different.You dont haveto dredge everything up until you are stable and ready,you know? Keep the faith and a bit of hope.Bless, Trish
We all need each other.
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: The road of happy destiny.
Posts: 2,294
Originally Posted by Richey
there doesn't seem to be any way to be 'free of it all'...
...I was never brought up to show emotions...the only emotions boys were allowed were anger and occasionally happiness in my house...
Besides, everyone has emotions but not everyone is an alcoholic... I'm just really bad at existing as a human being :/
I can't see how bringing up the stuff I want to forget is going to help me... I just want to forget it and move on. Of course, though, I'd prefer to be able to forget without the aid of drink anf drugs.
...I was never brought up to show emotions...the only emotions boys were allowed were anger and occasionally happiness in my house...
Besides, everyone has emotions but not everyone is an alcoholic... I'm just really bad at existing as a human being :/
I can't see how bringing up the stuff I want to forget is going to help me... I just want to forget it and move on. Of course, though, I'd prefer to be able to forget without the aid of drink anf drugs.
I am an alcoholic and I have emotions. I used those emotions as an excuse to keep drinking and drugging for way too long.
I am praying for you, Richey.....
Binge poster
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 561
Hey 
Yet again I don't know what to say except I'm thinking about you. Not a lot of help I know, but it's all I can offer.
There are a lot of people here who care about you Ritchie, you can't be that bad at existing as a human being.
You matter.
Love and hugs
Jane
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Yet again I don't know what to say except I'm thinking about you. Not a lot of help I know, but it's all I can offer.
There are a lot of people here who care about you Ritchie, you can't be that bad at existing as a human being.
You matter.
Love and hugs
Jane
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: The Field of Dreams
Posts: 7,249
Originally Posted by Richey
And I can't ask friends for help because none of my friends are true friends and even if i did have a true friend (that was still alive) I wouldn't want to burden them...I've scared away enough people already.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: London, UK
Posts: 358
I tried...I've been trying...today and yesterday but I've ****** up again big time 
Yesterday I went to the doctor... I admitted my emerging coke problem to him (in relation to a burst blood vessel at the back of my throat he wants me to have surgery for)...and he asked me about it a bit and nodded and ddin't say much and they asked me how I was sleeping...and wrote me out a script for a month's worth 8mg a day valium! WTF? Ok, I LOVE valium... it's a nice little drug that gets me through life and without feeling like a street user. Anyway... I didn't refuse it (and I did cash it) but WTF was he thinking giving some he KNOWS is an alcoholic and an addict a highly addictive sedative that mixes SO badly with alcohol????
I was kinda pissed that I went out on a limb and admitted it all to him (it took a whole pack of smokes and a couple of lines to get up the nerve) and he brushes it off!
So, anyway, I got that pills almost to spite him (yeah, I'm that pathetic... but I wasn't thinking straight)...and I took them with the 1/4 litre of vodka I'm on now (big improvement for me even if it's technically a 'relapse') and got VERY drunk...the kind where fall over whilst trying to pee.
Anyway, I thought it'd worn off so a couple of hours ago now I took the other valium pill soi could get to sleep...well i underestimate the amount of drink still in my system and went to sort my pets out for the night and I DROPPED one of them...a little guinea pig...splat on the floor! The poor thing screamed and lay their until i turned him over...it was only a 2 foot drop but that is a LONG way for a little creature...now he's limping on his front paw and breathing funny... I think he's going to die but there is NOTHING I can do about it because it's night time and there just ISN'T an emergancy vets around here! I don't know what the **** to do...so all I'm doing line after line keeping myself awake to make sure he doesn't die during the night and freaking out and crying...partly from the valium and partly because of how much i hate myself and how much i love my pets.
I'm a terrible irresponsible piece of **** I've tried before to get up the courage to give my pets away to a better home but I've always ended up too upset to do it or thinking why should they have to grow up afriad in shelters or with new owners...but the trth is they're begining to become afraid of me handling them...i guess I'm rough with them when im drunk...not purposely... but i bet I am.
Thank god I don't have children.
I want another drink so badly right now (I have the other 1/4 litre of vodka still) but i know the least i can do is stay sober and look after my pet and stay up so i don't sleep in so i can rush him down the vets in the morning.
although I don't know WTF I am going DO because I CANNOT afford X-rays or operations or anything for him...hell it's about $30 just for the vet to see him...what can I do? Seriously? Does anyone know any free services for vet care in the UK? I'm tempted to drive to a different vets and dump him there with a note of what happened...so he can get himself fixed up for free otherwise. Oh **** I'm crying...I can't believe I've killed another one...
Yesterday I went to the doctor... I admitted my emerging coke problem to him (in relation to a burst blood vessel at the back of my throat he wants me to have surgery for)...and he asked me about it a bit and nodded and ddin't say much and they asked me how I was sleeping...and wrote me out a script for a month's worth 8mg a day valium! WTF? Ok, I LOVE valium... it's a nice little drug that gets me through life and without feeling like a street user. Anyway... I didn't refuse it (and I did cash it) but WTF was he thinking giving some he KNOWS is an alcoholic and an addict a highly addictive sedative that mixes SO badly with alcohol????
I was kinda pissed that I went out on a limb and admitted it all to him (it took a whole pack of smokes and a couple of lines to get up the nerve) and he brushes it off!
So, anyway, I got that pills almost to spite him (yeah, I'm that pathetic... but I wasn't thinking straight)...and I took them with the 1/4 litre of vodka I'm on now (big improvement for me even if it's technically a 'relapse') and got VERY drunk...the kind where fall over whilst trying to pee.
Anyway, I thought it'd worn off so a couple of hours ago now I took the other valium pill soi could get to sleep...well i underestimate the amount of drink still in my system and went to sort my pets out for the night and I DROPPED one of them...a little guinea pig...splat on the floor! The poor thing screamed and lay their until i turned him over...it was only a 2 foot drop but that is a LONG way for a little creature...now he's limping on his front paw and breathing funny... I think he's going to die but there is NOTHING I can do about it because it's night time and there just ISN'T an emergancy vets around here! I don't know what the **** to do...so all I'm doing line after line keeping myself awake to make sure he doesn't die during the night and freaking out and crying...partly from the valium and partly because of how much i hate myself and how much i love my pets.
I'm a terrible irresponsible piece of ****
I've tried before to get up the courage to give my pets away to a better home but I've always ended up too upset to do it or thinking why should they have to grow up afriad in shelters or with new owners...but the trth is they're begining to become afraid of me handling them...i guess I'm rough with them when im drunk...not purposely... but i bet I am.Thank god I don't have children.
I want another drink so badly right now (I have the other 1/4 litre of vodka still) but i know the least i can do is stay sober and look after my pet and stay up so i don't sleep in so i can rush him down the vets in the morning.
although I don't know WTF I am going DO because I CANNOT afford X-rays or operations or anything for him...hell it's about $30 just for the vet to see him...what can I do? Seriously? Does anyone know any free services for vet care in the UK? I'm tempted to drive to a different vets and dump him there with a note of what happened...so he can get himself fixed up for free otherwise. Oh **** I'm crying...I can't believe I've killed another one...
In Memory Of
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Connecticut.
Posts: 3,736
Oh Richey...
How is the little guy doing? Dont panic,he may be ok, just a bit shocked. I dont think its a good idea to drive or put any more things into your system tonight.Do you have a friend who can come and help you out?
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