Don S

Some articles on cognitive behavioral approaches to managing our own behavior....

I Am Not My Behavior



Most people will agree that they are being at least most of the following ten ways MOST of the time: heart, soul, mind, body, senses, sensations, thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and memories. However, most people are trained to judge themselves as their good or bad behaviors. In order to correct this error, ask yourself the following questions whenever you rate yourself as being any good or bad behavior:



1. Is my HEART that behavior?

2. Is my SOUL that behavior?

3. Is my MIND that behavior?

4. Is my BODY that behavior?

5. Are ALL my SENSES that behavior?

6. Are ALL my SENSATIONS that behavior?

7. Are ALL my THOUGHTS that behavior?

8. Are ALL my FEELINGS that behavior?

9. Are ALL my BEHAVIORS that behavior?

10. Are ALL my MEMORIES that behavior?




Since you can easily answer 'No!' to each question then you are NOT the behavior you judged or rated yourself to be. Obviously, since you are being heart, soul, mind, body, senses, sensations, thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and memories most of the time, you CANNOT also be just one or even a few behaviors at any one time. You can only be ALL that you are at any one time. To think that you are less than what you are is an obvious error or mistake.

For example, if someone calls you a name--that cannot make you anything. You can never become someone's opinion of you, because you are so much more than mere descriptions, labels, names, or thoughts. To prove this to yourself, remember a time when you or someone else labeled you as 'stupid.' Now, ask yourself if that was or is true--by remembering the ten parts you always are and by asking if each one of those ten parts is stupid just because you did a stupid thing and so were mislabeled as stupid. The answer is 'NO!,' you are NOT stupid even if what you did was stupid. You CANNOT be stupid!

Now you know the truth that to label people or to call people names is just to lie. We can accurately label behaviors, but NOT people, NOT beings!

Don S

Feelings Versus Thoughts

An important aspect of thinking rationally is to know the difference between a "feeling" and a "thought". Sound simple?

For many it's not.

Next time someone asks you "how you feel about something", take notice whether you answer in basically one word. If not, you most likely are relating what you think.

An example: How do you feel about pollution?

Bet you start to say something like "it is devastating our planet"... but that is a thought or belief, not a feeling. To relate a feeling about that question would be to answer, "I feel worried" or "I feel angry".

The contrary can be true also where one gives a feeling when asked what they think.

So to "beef up" your ABC's [a basic SMART Recovery tool] and other rational thinking ... Practice differentiating between Thoughts and Feelings!

A Common Misconception

In my experience of conveying the principals of REBT and SMART, I have repeatedly come across the argument "That we are trying to eliminate emotional responses to situations...That Emotions are a "Bad" thing." Quite the Contrary!!!

The first effort I took was to get COMPLETELY in touch with my emotions. It was important for me to have a complete and clear appreciation for what I WAS feeling and differentiate between what was a Thought and what was a Feeling. The quote "negative" emotions are the "Warning Signs" that the mind/body gives to alert to problems in life, real or imagined. By tuning my awareness to these IMPORTANT emotional alerts, I became more in tune with My reality.

In doing this I discovered that I was actually limited in my emotional responses to situations. By rational perspective of situational events and a broader selection of emotions, I am able to experience the APPROPRIATE emotion for a given situation.

To some the initial "feel" is that emotions were eliminated. Before, the emotions were few but INTENSE. After, they are less intense, varied and appropriate. Therefore, it may "seem" like emotions are eliminated by comparison. There are few things in life that DEMAND an INTENSE emotional reaction. These efforts in no way eliminated emotions. I have, in fact, Broadened and Enhanced my emotional repertoire.


Something to Think About

For many, addiction in whatever form it takes, is a matter of Coping. One of the coping difficulties may be centered on emotions. In the process of "getting to know" your feelings, the developing coping skill is put to the test. This is inevitable. The two go hand-in-hand. We find ourselves actively pursuing the very thing that for years we have been addictively avoiding. Anticipate that it just might be uncomfortable at times. Remember, have patience, persevere but don't push. Each day, each month, will provide ample opportunity to grow. Take reward in each step taken.

Don S

INGREDIENTS OF HAPPY AND HEALTHY LIVING


SELF-ACCEPTANCE

Healthy people choose to accept themselves unconditionally, rather than measure or rate themselves or try to prove themselves.

RISK-TAKING

Emotionally healthy people choose to take risks and have a spirit of adventure in trying to do what they want to do, without being foolhardy.

NON-UTOPIAN

We are unlikely to get everything we want or to avoid everything we find painful. Healthy people do not waste time striving for the unattainable or for unrealistic perfection.

HIGH FRUSTRATION TOLERANCE

Healthy people recognize that there are only two sorts of problems they are likely to encounter: those they can do something about and those they cannot. Once this discrimination has been made, the goal is to modify those obnoxious conditions we can change, and to accept (or lump) those we cannot change.

SELF-RESPONSIBILITY FOR DISTURBANCE

Rather than blaming others, the world, or fate for their distress, healthy individuals accept a good deal of responsibility for their own thoughts, feelings, and behavior.

SELF-INTEREST

Emotionally healthy people tend to put their own interests at least a little above the interests of others. They sacrifice themselves to some degree for those for whom they care, but not overwhelmingly or completely.

SOCIAL INTEREST

Most people choose to live in social groups, and to do so most comfortably and happily, they would be wise to act morally, protect the rights of others, and aid in the survival of the society in which we live.


SELF-DIRECTION

We would do well to cooperate with others, but it would be better for us to assume primary responsibility for our own lives rather than to demand or need most of our support or nurturance from others.

TOLERANCE

It is helpful to allow humans (oneself and others) the right to be wrong. It is not appropriate to like obnoxious behavior, but it is not necessary to damn oneself or others for acting badly.

FLEXIBILITY

Healthy individuals tend to be flexible thinkers – as opposed to having rigid, bigoted, or invariant rules, which tend to reduce happiness.

ACCEPTANCE OF UNCERTAINTY

We live in a fascinating world of probability and chance; absolute certainties probably do not exist. The healthy individual strives for a degree of order, but does not demand perfect certainty.

COMMITMENT

Most people tend to be happier when vitally absorbed in something outside themselves. At least one strong creative interest and some important human involvement seem to provide structure for a happy daily existence.

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Don S

RATIONAL VS. IRRATIONAL:



THE 3 KEY QUESTIONS
TO ASK YOURSELF ABOUT YOUR BELIEFS

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1. Does my Belief help me or hinder me over the long run?


Rational thinking is defined as thinking that is helpful to you over the long run.

Irrational thinking is defined as thinking that hinders you over the long run.

Follow-up question: If my Belief hinders me, what Rational Belief would be more likely to help me reach my goals and to feel better?


2. Is my Belief consistent with known facts and reality?


Rational thinking is defined as thinking that is consistent with known facts.

Irrational thinking is thinking that is inconsistent with (or unsupported by) known facts.

Follow-up question: If my Belief is inconsistent with reality, then what Rational Belief would be more consistent with reality?


3. Is my Belief logical?


Logical means thinking that makes sense. For example, if you said you would very much like to succeed at something, does it logically follow that therefore you must succeed? No, the necessity for success does not follow logically from the fact that success would be beneficial. Or does it make sense to think: "Because something is bad, I can’t stand it"?

Follow-up question: If my Belief is illogical, what Rational Belief would make more sense logically?

Don S

Looking at Root Problems
12 Irrational Ideas That Cause and Sustain Neurosis

Rational therapy holds that certain core irrational ideas, which have been clinically observed, are at the root of most neurotic disturbance. They are:


1. The idea that it is a dire necessity for adults to be loved by significant others for almost everything they do -- instead of their concentrating on their own self-respect, on winning approval for practical purposes, and on loving rather than on being loved.

2. The idea that certain acts are awful or wicked, and that people who perform such acts should be severely damned -- instead of the idea that certain acts are self-defeating or antisocial, and that people who perform such acts are behaving stupidly, ignorantly, or neurotically, and would be better helped to change. People's poor behaviors do not make them rotten individuals.

3. The idea that it is horrible when things are not the way we like them to be -- instead of the idea that it is too bad, that we would better try to change or control bad conditions so that they become more satisfactory, and, if that is not possible, we had better temporarily accept and gracefully lump their existence.

4. The idea that human misery is invariably externally caused and is forced on us by outside people and events -- instead of the idea that neurosis is largely caused by the view that we take of unfortunate conditions.

5. The idea that if something is or may be dangerous or fearsome we should be terribly upset and endlessly obsess about it -- instead of the idea that one would better frankly face it and render it non-dangerous and, when that is not possible, accept the inevitable.

6. The idea that it is easier to avoid than to face life difficulties and self-responsibilities -- instead of the idea that the so-called easy way is usually much harder in the long run.

7. The idea that we absolutely need something other or stronger or greater than yourself on which to rely -- instead of the idea that it is better to take the risks of thinking and acting less dependently.

8. The idea that we should be thoroughly competent, intelligent, and achieving in all possible respects -- instead of the idea that we would better do rather than always need to do well and accept ourself as a quite imperfect creature, who has general human limitations and specific fallibilities.

9. The idea that because something once strongly affected our life, it should indefinitely affect it -- instead of the idea that we can learn from our past experiences but not be overly-attached to or prejudiced by them.

10. The idea that we must have certain and perfect control over things -- instead of the idea that the world is full of probability and chance and that we can still enjoy life despite this.

11. The idea that human happiness can be achieved by inertia and inaction -- instead of the idea that we tend to be happiest when we are vitally absorbed in creative pursuits, or when we are devoting ourselves to people or projects outside ourselves.

12. The idea that we have virtually no control over our emotions and that we cannot help feeling disturbed about things -- instead of the idea that we have real control over our destructive emotions if we choose to work at changing the musturbatory hypotheses which we often employ to create them.

Don S

Are You Aware of Your Thoughts ?

An Exercise for Change
(excerpt from Rational Thinking by Peter Shepherd)

An event is interpreted, judged and labelled in such a way that a particular emotional response is inevitable. You are constantly describing the world to yourself, giving each event or experience some label. You make interpretations of what you see or hear, you judge events as good or bad, painful or pleasurable, you predict whether they will bring danger or relative safety. Since childhood people have been telling you what to think. You have been conditioned by family, friends and the media to interpret events in certain ways.

These labels and judgements are fashioned from the unending dialogue you have with yourself, and colour all your experience with private meanings. The thoughts are constant and rarely noticed, since they are without prior reflection or reasoning, but they are powerful enough to stimulate your most intense emotions.

Such "self-talk" is often composed of just a few essential words or a brief visual image, acting as a label for a collection of painful memories, fears or self-reproaches. They would be seen as unrealistic, exaggerated and over-generalised if reviewed objectively, but in practice they appear automatically in response to stimuli. They just pop into the mind and are believed without being questioned or challenged, nor are their implications and conclusions subjected to logical analysis.

Automatic thoughts are often couched in terms of "should", "ought" or "must" and their negatives. Each iron-clad "should" precipitates a sense of guilt, or loss of self-esteem. Also automatic thoughts tend to be pessimistic, always expecting the worst and are the major source of anxiety.

Because they are reflexive and plausible, automatic thoughts weave unnoticed through the fabric of your own (conscious) thinking. They seem to come and go with a will of their own and they also tend to act as cues for each other - one depressing thought triggering a chain of associated thoughts reinforcing the depression. To consider something is awful, is to attach a self-created traumatic tag to what is in reality simply what is there.

Preoccupation or obsession with one type of thought causes tunnel vision, in which only those aspects of existence that support that way of thinking are recognised. The result is one predominant and usually quite painful emotion, such as chronic anger, anxiety or depression. Tunnel vision is the foundation of neurosis and is the opposite of awareness.

Increasing awareness requires noticing and questioning automatic thoughts, particularly those which are causing continued painful feelings. Regard your thoughts as a slow-motion film. Look at your internal dialogue frame by frame - notice the millisecond it takes to say "I can't stand it", or the half-second image of a terrifying event. Notice if you are internally describing and interpreting the actions of others: "She's bored ... He's putting me down".

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Don S

ANGER
A Disabling Emotion

Anger is not an involuntary emotional response to a specific situation. Anger arises from a philosophy-a way of viewing the world. At its core, anger represents an outlook of grandiosity, self-righteousness, commanding, and condemning. Many mental health professionals disagree with this view, that all kinds of anger are generally bad for you. Most therapists classify anger as "appropriate" or "inappropriate" according to context, and they usually argue that, when appropriate, it is healthy to express anger ("let it out") and unhealthy to suppress anger ("bottle it up").

Recent research, however, contradicts this popular view, and suggests that all anger, expressed or suppressed, is harmful to your health and damaging to your relationships with other people. Among the many difficulties associated with anger are:

o Increased likelihood of heart attack, stroke, and hypertension

o Greater difficulty in solving problems constructively

o A tendency for the anger, which may start in one area of your life, to overlap and extend into other areas

o Preoccupation with thoughts of revenge

o Adopting an antagonistic attitude, which needlessly alienates other people with whom it's advantageous to have cordial dealings

o A predisposition to violence, especially child abuse



But doesn't expressing anger help release a lot of pent-up frustration? It's true that an outburst of anger may sometimes momentarily provide relief. But psychological distress often takes its toll on the body, and some preliminary evidence suggests that expressed anger causes more physical damage than suppressed anger. There is, however, a third alternative to suppressing or expressing your anger: Don't make yourself angry in the first place!

The "expressive" approach implies that anger is something inside you, like a gallbladder. If your gallbladder bothers you, you could have it removed, and then it won't bother you anymore. Similarly, if you can get your anger out, it won't be inside you any more, causing distress.

This view is hopelessly mistaken. Anger is not a physical entity. It's a feeling generated by an attitude or belief. You don't free yourself of feelings by expressing the attitudes and beliefs that create them. That usually reaffirms and strengthens those attitudes and thus makes the feeling more likely to return.

Consider an opposite sort of feeling, like love - a feeling that we often want to continue. It's clear that the more you express feelings of love, tenderness, and caring, the more loving, tender, and caring you are likely to become. No one would suppose that by expressing such feelings you were "letting them out" and thus losing them.

It's exactly the same with the self-destructive feeling of anger. If you express your anger, you reaffirm and solidify your angry attitude, and make it more difficult to dispel. If you refrain from expressing your anger, this may be the first step towards avoiding anger entirely.



Some Things Anger IS


1) It is acting out of control in order to gain control.


2) It is emotional disturbance.


3) It is distorted thinking.


4) It is self-righteous.


5) Unhealthy and can literally make us physically ill.


6) Usually a mask for other, deeper emotions (hurt, fear).


7) Addictive, because it can make us feel good in the short run.


8) Psychologically harmful, because it can increase our frustration and anxiety in the long run.

Some Things Anger IS NOT

1) A stress reducer.

2) A safe way to express feelings.

3) A good way to motivate behavior change in myself or others.

4) An effective way to express a message.

5) An agent of control.

6) A requirement when threatened.

7) A symbol of strength.

8) A result of unmet needs (neediness is the problem!)

9) A learned behavior (it is inborn!)


10) An emotion that will run its course (it escalates!)




Tips for the Management of Anger




1) Always try to say I made MYSELF angry.
2) Give up the idea that anger must be expressed.
3) Know what to overlook.
4) Recognize that people aren't against you, they are merely for themselves
5) Lower your voice.
6) Recognize the hurt or fear that precedes anger.
7) Recognize that another person's abusive behavior says more about them and their emotional pain than it says about you.
8) Ask yourself if your feelings of anger are helping your problem solving skills.
9) Avoid scorekeeping.
10) Learn not to hit the sore spots.
11) Ask yourself how important the issue will be in a week.
12) Avoid mind reading.
13) Learn to agree to disagree.
14) Kill them with kindness.
15) Work on anger coping self-statements for "comprehensive emotional rustproofing."




Techniques for Anger Management


Express feelings in a safe environment (catharsis).

Report anger to the person you are angry with.

Mourn any losses connected to an incident that angers you.

Keep a journal of what triggers your anger and how you respond.

Identify and correct cognitive distortions.

Replace 'hot thoughts' with 'cool thoughts.'

Revise 'should rules' to be more realistic.

Analyze the costs and benefits of being angry vs. 'letting it go.'

Develop the ability to empathize with the person you are angry with.

Recognize when you are feeling angry or when it is a cover-up for fear, shame, guilt.

Practice a quick form of gaining control, such as counting to 10.

Don S

Guilt and Resentment

Guilt and resentment are states of mind that destroy love and create suffering. They seem to be caused by what happened but they're not. They are caused by how you relate to what happened.

Fortunately, since you created them, you can also release them. Use this section to learn how.

Guilt

When you have guilt, you reinforce the feelings of being not okay. You lose your confidence and self-respect. You feel undeserving and you hold yourself back.

The key to releasing guilt is to recognize that we all go through life doing the very best we can with the extremely limited skills and awareness that we have at the time.

Unfortunately, the awareness that we have is seldom enough. As a result we make mistakes. Sometimes we make big ones.

Making mistakes is part of the human process. This is how we learn. Every time you make a mistake you learn a little more about life. You then become wiser and more aware.

Five years from now you will be much wiser than you are today, but the wisdom you will have five years from now doesn't do you any good today. This is true because today, you don't have it.

Likewise the wisdom that you have today didn't do you any good back when you made your mistake. This is true because back then, you didn't know what you know today. You only knew what you knew.

To see this in your life, go back in time to the moment you made your mistake. Notice that at the time, you had a very particular state of mind and a very particular way of seeing life. Notice that you acted totally consistent with where you were at the moment.

If you knew then what you know today, you could have acted very differently, but you didn't. Even if you thought you knew better, you didn't know the consequences like you do today.

So here is the big question: Are you willing to forgive yourself for not knowing? Are you willing to forgive yourself for not being wiser and more aware? You might as well. If you look, you did the very best you could with where you were at the time.

Forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for not being wiser and more aware. Forgive yourself for acting consistent with your limited awareness and forgive yourself for the damage that you caused as a result of your not knowing.

Allow yourself to be human.

Resentment

When you have resentment, a major part of you closes down. You become bitter and less able to express your love. You lose your aliveness and your joy for life. You put up walls of protection and you make your life more difficult.

Letting go of resentment is not for the benefit of the other person. Letting go of resentment is for you.

When you resent someone, you are saying very forcefully, that the other person is the problem, the cause and the fault. Not you. You forcefully blame the other person so you don't have to look at yourself.

If you looked at yourself, you would have to experience all the hurt from what happened. You would have to feel all the hurt of being not good enough, not worth loving or some other form of not okay. To avoid this hurt, you resent.

The first step in releasing resentment is to be willing to feel this hurt. Look under the resentment and find the hurt. Find the feelings of being not good enough or not worth loving that you are avoiding. Then be willing to experience them. Cry if you can. Once you are willing to feel this hurt, you no longer need the resentment.

The next step is to notice that the person you resent has a very particular state of mind and a very particular way of seeing life. Notice that this person has a very limited awareness and acts totally consistent with his or her limited skills and ability.

Now notice that if this person was wiser and more aware, then he or she would be able to act very differently, but the person isn't wiser and more aware. This person only has the limited awareness that he or she has.

Notice that this person is doing the very best he or she can with his or her very limited ability. Notice how much this person suffers as a result of his or her limited equipment.

Now ask yourself, Are you willing to forgive this person for not being wiser and more aware? Are you willing to forgive this person for acting consistent with his or her limited ability? Are you willing to forgive this person for the damage that was caused?

Remember that forgiveness is for you, not the other person. Forgiveness is a choice. Let go of your resentment and get on with your life.

equus

I remember reading about and having a great deal of respect for CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy). I don't remember it in any great detail but this really reminded me why I liked it so much. I seem to also remember it's one of the most effective things out there. (I think it shows Freudian stuff for what it should be - HISTORY.)

It's excellent stuff!!!

Don W

Thanks Don for your hard work. I've printed it so I can take it home. I'm going to take my dog for a nice walk near the reservoir and find a quite place to read and most important absorb. Don w