"controlling his drinking"
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Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 67
"controlling his drinking"
Hi - I posted this on the F&F board as well....
<HR style="COLOR: #d1d1e1" SIZE=1><!-- / icon and title --><!-- message -->... but I'm curious to know if anyone here has come to a point that you felt convinced that you have your drinking under control. Thanks in advance:
Hey there - well, after about a month of not even being able to talk to exABF, (too scared, too confused) I finally felt strong enough to start offering a little friendship, as I knew he was going through a very difficult move...
He says he's determined to tell me the truth about his drinking now, because he feels badly about lying to me about it for our whole 2 year relationship. According to him, he's been A for 10 years, 18 - 28, and started trying to quit 3 months ago.
After weeks/months of waking up in the morning and drinking all day, in that last three months he's had a few beers, only a couple at a time since then, and gone on a 2 day binge the weekend after I left him.
Now, his philosophy is that he drinks "when he wants to, not when he needs to" - anyone buying? I know that there are schools of thought that say a problem drinker CAN learn to control their drinking, and not let it so totally derail their lives (as he has let it the past 10 years). I don't presume to know what I am talking about when it comes to this - I've been dealing with it on a concious level for all of three months. But what sure doesn't sit right with me is his unwillingness to seek treatment - he's not into AA, has read about 1/2 a book on the subject, and recently said he'd go to therapy, but only as part of "couples" counseling.....
Just curious to hear some thoughts on this. Thanks!
<HR style="COLOR: #d1d1e1" SIZE=1><!-- / icon and title --><!-- message -->... but I'm curious to know if anyone here has come to a point that you felt convinced that you have your drinking under control. Thanks in advance:
Hey there - well, after about a month of not even being able to talk to exABF, (too scared, too confused) I finally felt strong enough to start offering a little friendship, as I knew he was going through a very difficult move...
He says he's determined to tell me the truth about his drinking now, because he feels badly about lying to me about it for our whole 2 year relationship. According to him, he's been A for 10 years, 18 - 28, and started trying to quit 3 months ago.
After weeks/months of waking up in the morning and drinking all day, in that last three months he's had a few beers, only a couple at a time since then, and gone on a 2 day binge the weekend after I left him.
Now, his philosophy is that he drinks "when he wants to, not when he needs to" - anyone buying? I know that there are schools of thought that say a problem drinker CAN learn to control their drinking, and not let it so totally derail their lives (as he has let it the past 10 years). I don't presume to know what I am talking about when it comes to this - I've been dealing with it on a concious level for all of three months. But what sure doesn't sit right with me is his unwillingness to seek treatment - he's not into AA, has read about 1/2 a book on the subject, and recently said he'd go to therapy, but only as part of "couples" counseling.....
Just curious to hear some thoughts on this. Thanks!
1 bite&all resistance crumbles
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: IRELAND
Posts: 2,208
Uh-oh
[QUOTE
Now, his philosophy is that he drinks "when he wants to, not when he needs to" - anyone buying? QUOTE]
Hi There
Let me be blunt. AS an alcoholic, I am not buying this. It is impossible. Whilst there might be short term 'successes' it will always end up in total loss of control, out of control drunkeness which as we all know results in 1 or 3 of 3 things:
1) Jail
2) INstitutionalisation
3) Death - of self/and or others
Don't let him take you on the journey, cause this is where it's headed.
love
CAthy31
x
Now, his philosophy is that he drinks "when he wants to, not when he needs to" - anyone buying? QUOTE]
Hi There
Let me be blunt. AS an alcoholic, I am not buying this. It is impossible. Whilst there might be short term 'successes' it will always end up in total loss of control, out of control drunkeness which as we all know results in 1 or 3 of 3 things:
1) Jail
2) INstitutionalisation
3) Death - of self/and or others
Don't let him take you on the journey, cause this is where it's headed.
love
CAthy31
x
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: South Georgia
Posts: 11
Here is a breakdown of my alcohol career by age:
15-18 (high school): VERY drunk almost every Friday and Saturday night
18-23 (college): VERY drunk almost every Friday and Saturday night and 1 to 2 other nights per week
23-28 (workforce): Average 6-8 beers (comfortably numb) 5-6 nights per week. Rarely ever got sloppy drunk during this phase.
Feb 1, 2005 - present: After deciding I most likely had an alcohol problem, dropped my alcohol consumption to around a 6 pack per week. Did this all on my own (no AA, no therapy, no books etc.....except for some wise counseling from members of this forum).
I guess my point is that I feel like I've gotten a handle on my problem.....maybe your BF has too. Maybe he is wired like me - I don't like to ask for help too much, and I exhaust every resource I have before asking.
Just my thoughts,
chem
15-18 (high school): VERY drunk almost every Friday and Saturday night
18-23 (college): VERY drunk almost every Friday and Saturday night and 1 to 2 other nights per week
23-28 (workforce): Average 6-8 beers (comfortably numb) 5-6 nights per week. Rarely ever got sloppy drunk during this phase.
Feb 1, 2005 - present: After deciding I most likely had an alcohol problem, dropped my alcohol consumption to around a 6 pack per week. Did this all on my own (no AA, no therapy, no books etc.....except for some wise counseling from members of this forum).
I guess my point is that I feel like I've gotten a handle on my problem.....maybe your BF has too. Maybe he is wired like me - I don't like to ask for help too much, and I exhaust every resource I have before asking.
Just my thoughts,
chem
We all need each other.
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: The road of happy destiny.
Posts: 2,294
I cannot say anything about what anyone else could or could not do. All I can do is speak for myself. That said....... If I were to try to control my drinking, I might be successful. I might be successful for a short time or a long time. Maybe I could control my drinking forever. However, I am not willing to give up all that I have acheived in sobriety just to see. It is not worth it. Besides, "normal" drinkers don't "control" how much they drink. They simply know when they have had enough and stop. I am also fairly certain that even if I could control my drinking, my mind would be consumed with it ALL THE TIME. I would always be thinking--how much can I drink tonight? am I drinking too much? I better stop now. can I drink tonight? will I lose control this time? how can I get my next drink? how much is too much? and so on, in finitum. My life is so much more simple now. I like it much better this way.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
hmmm...
How in the world did you stay in the dark for 2 years?
His actions...his secretiveness..his smell.
Why are you not moving on? Love does not win over addiction.
His actions...his secretiveness..his smell.
Why are you not moving on? Love does not win over addiction.
Putting it all together
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: St. Louis, MO.
Posts: 469
Originally Posted by ggnewme
Hi - I posted this on the F&F board as well....
<HR style="COLOR: #d1d1e1" SIZE=1><!-- / icon and title --><!-- message -->... but I'm curious to know if anyone here has come to a point that you felt convinced that you have your drinking under control. Thanks in advance:
Hey there - well, after about a month of not even being able to talk to exABF, (too scared, too confused) I finally felt strong enough to start offering a little friendship, as I knew he was going through a very difficult move...
He says he's determined to tell me the truth about his drinking now, because he feels badly about lying to me about it for our whole 2 year relationship. According to him, he's been A for 10 years, 18 - 28, and started trying to quit 3 months ago.
After weeks/months of waking up in the morning and drinking all day, in that last three months he's had a few beers, only a couple at a time since then, and gone on a 2 day binge the weekend after I left him.
Now, his philosophy is that he drinks "when he wants to, not when he needs to" - anyone buying? I know that there are schools of thought that say a problem drinker CAN learn to control their drinking, and not let it so totally derail their lives (as he has let it the past 10 years). I don't presume to know what I am talking about when it comes to this - I've been dealing with it on a concious level for all of three months. But what sure doesn't sit right with me is his unwillingness to seek treatment - he's not into AA, has read about 1/2 a book on the subject, and recently said he'd go to therapy, but only as part of "couples" counseling.....
Just curious to hear some thoughts on this. Thanks!
<HR style="COLOR: #d1d1e1" SIZE=1><!-- / icon and title --><!-- message -->... but I'm curious to know if anyone here has come to a point that you felt convinced that you have your drinking under control. Thanks in advance:
Hey there - well, after about a month of not even being able to talk to exABF, (too scared, too confused) I finally felt strong enough to start offering a little friendship, as I knew he was going through a very difficult move...
He says he's determined to tell me the truth about his drinking now, because he feels badly about lying to me about it for our whole 2 year relationship. According to him, he's been A for 10 years, 18 - 28, and started trying to quit 3 months ago.
After weeks/months of waking up in the morning and drinking all day, in that last three months he's had a few beers, only a couple at a time since then, and gone on a 2 day binge the weekend after I left him.
Now, his philosophy is that he drinks "when he wants to, not when he needs to" - anyone buying? I know that there are schools of thought that say a problem drinker CAN learn to control their drinking, and not let it so totally derail their lives (as he has let it the past 10 years). I don't presume to know what I am talking about when it comes to this - I've been dealing with it on a concious level for all of three months. But what sure doesn't sit right with me is his unwillingness to seek treatment - he's not into AA, has read about 1/2 a book on the subject, and recently said he'd go to therapy, but only as part of "couples" counseling.....
Just curious to hear some thoughts on this. Thanks!
Not the center of the Universe
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Orchard Lake, Michigan
Posts: 974
Originally Posted by lulu70
That said....... If I were to try to control my drinking, I might be successful. I might be successful for a short time or a long time. Maybe I could control my drinking forever. However, I am not willing to give up all that I have acheived in sobriety just to see. It is not worth it.
Having said that, I don't believe for a minute that I could control my drinking for any length of time. Why? Because I never could in twenty five years of using. There is just no reason what so ever for me to believe that because I have stopped for 31 months anything would be different should I start putting that crap back into my body. None. Nadda.
But as a very nice, very happy, very serene guy in his late 60's with 27 years clean said at my Wednesday meeting, "I'm an alcoholic, so I can't drink. Big f**king deal." And that, by the way, was the only F-BOMB he dropped during the entire table.
One Love, One Heart, Jah Bless
Tony
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: The Left Coast
Posts: 73
Hi ggnewme. I think the others covered the alcohol question pretty well. As I read your post, it brought up some memories that I have the audacity to share with you even though you didn't ask. 
Red flag #1: He admits lying to you throughout a 2-year relationship.
Red flag #2: Why were you too "scared" to talk to him? I'm hoping that doesn't mean there was physical abuse involved.
Red flag #3: He went on a 2-day binge when you left him. (How did you find that out, by the way?) Sounds like mega-manipulation on his part.
Red flag #4: When you say that "I know that there are schools of thought that say a problem drinker CAN learn to control their drinking," it sounds like you are asking the question I used to ask myself whenever my abusive ex swore he'd never beat me up again: "What if he really has changed this time?" When I started asking myself, "What if he really hasn't changed?" was when I was able to let go of the relationship.
Red flag #5: Therapy if it is "couples therapy." Sounds like he's trying to make his problem your problem. That was my experience as well.
Pardon my bluntness, but I think this guy is so full of s*** that it's probably coming out of his nose by now.
Red flag #1: He admits lying to you throughout a 2-year relationship.
Red flag #2: Why were you too "scared" to talk to him? I'm hoping that doesn't mean there was physical abuse involved.
Red flag #3: He went on a 2-day binge when you left him. (How did you find that out, by the way?) Sounds like mega-manipulation on his part.
Red flag #4: When you say that "I know that there are schools of thought that say a problem drinker CAN learn to control their drinking," it sounds like you are asking the question I used to ask myself whenever my abusive ex swore he'd never beat me up again: "What if he really has changed this time?" When I started asking myself, "What if he really hasn't changed?" was when I was able to let go of the relationship.
Red flag #5: Therapy if it is "couples therapy." Sounds like he's trying to make his problem your problem. That was my experience as well.
Pardon my bluntness, but I think this guy is so full of s*** that it's probably coming out of his nose by now.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
I think the point is trust. I knew my hubby 10 years ago when he was physically alcohol dependent, physical withdrawals etc etc. We were just friends then but he was honest about what he drank - enough to scare the crap out of me. We lost touch.
Nine years later his life showed incredible differences, it showed the results of nine years of effort. He HAD cut down his drinking. He still told me the truth about it, told me how bad it had got (horrible stories) and told me bluntly.
Now he doesn't get drunk (about 3-4 pints when he drinks) but his drinking still goes up and down like a yoyo. He still tells me the truth about it but the difficulty for him is telling me what he'll drink next month, next year - his predictions are lousy. He's just drank 6 out of the last 7 days this last week.
I married him knowing his drinking could get worse, even that it was likely to, but I also knew he'd be honest, I knew he had years of real effort behind him, I knew he had years of progress behind him in his life.
He's an alcoholic I don't trust that he will succeed in beating it, I do trust that he tells me the truth and will give beating it real effort. I also found that alcoholics (DSM IV -TR clinical diagnosis Alcohol Dependent) actually managing to drink normally wasn't impossible.
Over the last year he tried to stop 3 times, once for 3 months, once for a month and the lst one for 3 weeks. He's said if it gets back to drinking every day he'll still think about stopping and try - I believe him because that's what he has done before.
My trust is based on his past behaviour.
Nine years later his life showed incredible differences, it showed the results of nine years of effort. He HAD cut down his drinking. He still told me the truth about it, told me how bad it had got (horrible stories) and told me bluntly.
Now he doesn't get drunk (about 3-4 pints when he drinks) but his drinking still goes up and down like a yoyo. He still tells me the truth about it but the difficulty for him is telling me what he'll drink next month, next year - his predictions are lousy. He's just drank 6 out of the last 7 days this last week.
I married him knowing his drinking could get worse, even that it was likely to, but I also knew he'd be honest, I knew he had years of real effort behind him, I knew he had years of progress behind him in his life.
He's an alcoholic I don't trust that he will succeed in beating it, I do trust that he tells me the truth and will give beating it real effort. I also found that alcoholics (DSM IV -TR clinical diagnosis Alcohol Dependent) actually managing to drink normally wasn't impossible.
Over the last year he tried to stop 3 times, once for 3 months, once for a month and the lst one for 3 weeks. He's said if it gets back to drinking every day he'll still think about stopping and try - I believe him because that's what he has done before.
My trust is based on his past behaviour.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 67
I want to thank all of you for your sincere replies - I've read enough on these boards to know that all comments and perspectives are motivated by love and a mutual desire to be well, so I don't take offense.
CarolD - I am moving on - first, I am slowly moving away from my ability to soundly forsee myself in any kind of romantic relationship with him again. Truth be told, though, you are right part of me is hard pressed to give up entirely, as I firmly believe in the resilience of the human spirit, particularly his. Regardless, I have come to care about him and will always be interested in his development, knowing that is ultimately up to him; he deserves to be well as much as you do.
I ask myself how I missed it too - probably a combination of his lying when I would address it, my inexperience with alcoholism, and my strong desire to believe that whatever was wrong with him, my love would be enough impotece for him to be well.
Findingout and Lulu70 - that is an excellent point. Why risk it? Thanks for verbalizing that. I also agree with the thoughts on couples counseling. It is worth it to say that I am not yet in counseling myself, and yes I immediately recognized this as another way of placing the responsibility of his drinking/not drinking onto me.
You know, a lot of times I think those of us who bother to post know the answer we seem to be seeking by the time we click the submit button. I believe we know it all along, but need others we trust to flush it out of us and clarify it, so that we may act on it.
Thanks again for your support.
CarolD - I am moving on - first, I am slowly moving away from my ability to soundly forsee myself in any kind of romantic relationship with him again. Truth be told, though, you are right part of me is hard pressed to give up entirely, as I firmly believe in the resilience of the human spirit, particularly his. Regardless, I have come to care about him and will always be interested in his development, knowing that is ultimately up to him; he deserves to be well as much as you do.
I ask myself how I missed it too - probably a combination of his lying when I would address it, my inexperience with alcoholism, and my strong desire to believe that whatever was wrong with him, my love would be enough impotece for him to be well.
Findingout and Lulu70 - that is an excellent point. Why risk it? Thanks for verbalizing that. I also agree with the thoughts on couples counseling. It is worth it to say that I am not yet in counseling myself, and yes I immediately recognized this as another way of placing the responsibility of his drinking/not drinking onto me.
You know, a lot of times I think those of us who bother to post know the answer we seem to be seeking by the time we click the submit button. I believe we know it all along, but need others we trust to flush it out of us and clarify it, so that we may act on it.
Thanks again for your support.
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The term "Controlled drinking" was always a trap for me.
There were many times before I got to AA in 1996 when I thought I was"Controlling my drinking."
Frequent bouts of drinking followed by pain and remorse often resulted in newer resolves to cut down on my consumption, so the fact that I was able to go a weekend or two without drinking ,or even just have two or three beers on a Wednesday night, only helped to fuel my delusion that I was finally "In control....."
This is where the trap was set and once again some event occured which plunged me into the whirlpool of madness.
Even though I have been sober now for nearly eight years I cannot say that I am in "control of my drinking",it is more accurate for me to say that I am in "control of staying sober".
This is far more than just simple semantics for me. Years of trial and failure has proven to me that someone "In control" would not have to worry about "controlling their drinking" the way I did and inevitably I knew that one or two beers could in the speed of thought become a quart of vodka and a bag of weed.
There were many times before I got to AA in 1996 when I thought I was"Controlling my drinking."
Frequent bouts of drinking followed by pain and remorse often resulted in newer resolves to cut down on my consumption, so the fact that I was able to go a weekend or two without drinking ,or even just have two or three beers on a Wednesday night, only helped to fuel my delusion that I was finally "In control....."
This is where the trap was set and once again some event occured which plunged me into the whirlpool of madness.
Even though I have been sober now for nearly eight years I cannot say that I am in "control of my drinking",it is more accurate for me to say that I am in "control of staying sober".
This is far more than just simple semantics for me. Years of trial and failure has proven to me that someone "In control" would not have to worry about "controlling their drinking" the way I did and inevitably I knew that one or two beers could in the speed of thought become a quart of vodka and a bag of weed.
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