yankeegirl13

Hi! I am going through a difficult time. My ex fiance is an alcoholic. We broke up over the summer because of the drinking issue. He started taking pills and getting nasty. He also was not working for a very long time and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Since the summer we have been on and off. A few months ago, he hit rock bottom and decided to stop drinking. I was by his side at this time. He entered the hospital for about a week or so around New Years. I visited him everday. After he left the hospital and started to attend AA meetings, he decided to push me away. He no longer wanted to see me. He would hardly speak to me. As the months went on, we started to talk a bit more. We both still love each other and think about each other everyday. I know that your are not suppose to start a realationship until after you are sober for a year, but we were already together. We were about to be married. Why does he keep shutting me out? One minute he wants to talk to me , the next minute he doesn't. I just want to be a part of his life. I miss him so much. I don't know what to do. I am a good influence on him. I don't drink or do any drugs. Any suggestions???

Time2Surrender

Sounds like he aint ready.He doesnt seem to know what he wants.Is this what you want? I would move on and let the guy get his life together.Then down the road,who knows?

nutz

Have you tried Al-anon or other surpport system for yourself?
Have you done some type of reserch to understand yourself
and the disease of alocholism , addiction or co-dependancy?
There are many sources or help aviliable to all.

don't beat up on yourself.

Sara H

I agree with Nutz...very good advise. Alonon will give you additional support in understanding alcoholism and you won't feel so excluded. If you both really love each other, I'd try to work things out, but I'd definitely set limits with your S.O. so he doesn't use you as an enabler.

CarolD

Hmm...He did not work...took pills..drank and was abusive.

Run for the hills..before the wedding before the kids...before your spirit and money dwindle away.

Love does not solve addiction.

Tricky

love does NOT solve addiction . . . . wise words . . . . from a woman !! ha
seriously tho, run, run, run, run, if you stay you enable, theres no way out of that, leave him to his consequences with you there there are NONE. good luck x

CAPTAINZING2000

It's always the I want what I can't have What qualities about this drug, drunk bi polar man you find so charming???


What you really ought to do is take an inventory of yourself and find out why you need to feel drawn to a guy that can't love himself not alone you.

The alkie in me and going out on a limb here most of us in here our main love was the bottle and the drugs.

Don't close the door entirely on your guy but, he's not exactly a big catch to show off going down the aisle at church

When, we first get sober and clean, our emotions are on a roller coaster ride. We are not used to them not being numbed by something.

Wait and see if your prince Charming can get his act together. The old saying if you love someone set them free is true

Paulie

I used with my bf for years. When we got sober, we spent the first year apart, seeing each other once every month or so becasue we were friends in recovery. After a year clean we decided to see if our relationsip was more than just drug using. today 9 1/2 years later we are married.

It can happen. Give him time to work on himself, give yourself time to work on you. Do some work and try and understand what it is you find attractive to him, the situation all of that.

If it is meant to be it will when it is suppossed to be. none of us know what the plan for our lives is.

Taking a poll here is not the answer, we can't tell you for that one post if you should run or not. I can tell you that the more work you do on yourself and your own confidnce and self esteem you will be lead in the right direction whatever that direction is.

Good luck to you. Hop on over to the Anon forums here and get to know some of the people there, they are or have been right where you are.

Jhana

Nice post Paulie. Nice post, too, on the other thread about safe harbor.

Gianna

justEllen

Well, first of all, if you love him you need to give him the room to recover. He's suffering from a deadly disease and his recovery has to come first. Without it, he has nothing and is going to lose his life. In order to be the best partner possible for him, you should also seek help for yourself in Al-Anon. That way if the two of you are ever to give it a try again later on, you'll both have a good foundation for the relationship. You say you were "already together" but an alcoholic is never "together" neither in the addition nor in early recovery. And those who love us alcoholics fall into the co-dependency role, which is a sickness in itself. I know, because I'm both alcoholic and co-dependent.

No relationships for a year is just a guideline. Even after a year sober, I still wasn't ready to have a relationship, but I did it anyway. At least it did give me some basis in recovery that I needed, though.

It's very important that you allow him the time and space to recover. An alcoholic has to really work hard on the underlying problems because the drinking is just a symptom of deep disturbances. If he or she tries to have a relationship, then the alcoholic tendency is to focus on the relationship and not himself and that detracts from his recovery. Unconditional love will let him have the time and space. And in the meantime, I seriously recommend Al-Anon for you.

BikerBill8

MOve on you need to take care of yourself When he is beatnig he will stop until then get out.

dax

Ask yourself =Do you want to spent the rest of your life with a man hooked on AA? He will put the program and all the people in it brefore you. Because you are not addicted, you will never understand him like his program friends -or so he will think. RUN!!!! Dax

Kahlia

It is hard enough to understand yourself-let alone a recovering alcoholic with those issues. I say.....do l not let your feet touch the ground until you get to Kansas, Dorothy.......Kahlia

yankeegirl13

You are completely right. Deep down I know that I do not want to live a life like this. I know that it is a hard on. I have had many familiy members and friends deal with this their whole lives. But something inside of me just won't let go completely.
There comes a time in your life when you realize that if you stand still, you will remain at this point forever. You realize that if you fail and stay down life will pass you by. Life's circumstances are not always what you might wish them to be. The pattern of life does not necessarily go as you plan. Beyond any understanding you may at times be led in different directions that you never imagined, dreamed, or designed. This is where I feel I am now.....but if you had never put any effort into choosing a path, then perhaps you would have no direction at all and end up with regrets.

Kahlia

[QUOTE=yankeegirl13]You are completely right. Deep down I know that I do not want to live a life like this. I know that it is a hard on. I have had many familiy members and friends deal with this their whole lives. But something inside of me just won't let go completely.
There comes a time in your life when you realize that if you stand still, you will remain at this point forever. You realize that if you fail and stay down life will pass you by. Life's circumstances are not always what you might wish them to be. The pattern of life does not necessarily go as you plan. Beyond any understanding you may at times be led in different directions that you never imagined, dreamed, or designed. This is where I feel I am now.....but if you had never put any effort into choosing a path, then perhaps you would have no direction at all and end up with regrets.[/QUOTE

I would rather live with regrets than NOT live at all.....There is a great saying....I used to use it as my signature....I would rather be NO-ONE than SOMEONE with NO-one. ..that is who you are right now.....someone with no-one with you. He is unable to give you what you need..you need to take care of YOU. I hope you can finally see that and have NO regrets as they only haunt you as to "what if"......you can What if everything to death.....Kahlia