Sex and Sobriety
Guest
Posts: n/a
Sex and Sobriety
Hello Everyone... I hope my note finds you all doing well tonight.
I am new to the recovery community and am providing a communication skills workshop for women in recovery at very nice and supportive small live in facility.
I was asked a question last week that I could not answer...I promised I would return with something.... so to you all I reach out and ask.....
"How will I have sex sober?", "I'm scared to have sex without a drink" "What will sex be like sober?"
We discussed the fears they had and how we might be able to communicate those fears to their s/o's and what would make communication difficult, and how to make it less difficult and that was progress...but I think there's still the question.
Any personal stories I could share would be very helpful.
Please email them to me privately.
Thanks Very Much!
Sunnie
I am new to the recovery community and am providing a communication skills workshop for women in recovery at very nice and supportive small live in facility.
I was asked a question last week that I could not answer...I promised I would return with something.... so to you all I reach out and ask.....
"How will I have sex sober?", "I'm scared to have sex without a drink" "What will sex be like sober?"
We discussed the fears they had and how we might be able to communicate those fears to their s/o's and what would make communication difficult, and how to make it less difficult and that was progress...but I think there's still the question.
Any personal stories I could share would be very helpful.
Please email them to me privately.
Thanks Very Much!
Sunnie
Guest
Posts: n/a
Sober sex?
I remember once being in bed with my husband after we had had sex and he said," wow, that was GREAT". I had been thinking the same thing. I was wondering WHY it was SO fabulous... what had we done differently? Did I eat something strange? Am I at a "phase" in my monthly cycle? We had just had the best sex ever - my sense of touch, smell, my whole body had been wide, wide open, not to mention the most powerful, explosive I-see-stars orgasm I've ever had. My husband said he had felt the same way.
Then it dawned upon us: we both had not been drunk! In fact, we had not had a single drop of alcohol that night!
I think your topic is a little different, like how to get the COURAGE to have sex without alcohol in the first place. I'm lucky in the fact that I don't need to be drunk to have sex, I know. I don't know what it's like to have to drink for sex, and my sincere sympathy for those who do. I thought I'd mention my above experience to say that once you DO get the courage to have sex without alcohol, it can be FANTASTIC.
Good luck to all
I remember once being in bed with my husband after we had had sex and he said," wow, that was GREAT". I had been thinking the same thing. I was wondering WHY it was SO fabulous... what had we done differently? Did I eat something strange? Am I at a "phase" in my monthly cycle? We had just had the best sex ever - my sense of touch, smell, my whole body had been wide, wide open, not to mention the most powerful, explosive I-see-stars orgasm I've ever had. My husband said he had felt the same way.
Then it dawned upon us: we both had not been drunk! In fact, we had not had a single drop of alcohol that night!
I think your topic is a little different, like how to get the COURAGE to have sex without alcohol in the first place. I'm lucky in the fact that I don't need to be drunk to have sex, I know. I don't know what it's like to have to drink for sex, and my sincere sympathy for those who do. I thought I'd mention my above experience to say that once you DO get the courage to have sex without alcohol, it can be FANTASTIC.
Good luck to all
Paused
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: Queens,NY
Posts: 13
This subject is covered in the Big Book. Every answer is either in the Big Book or the 12 and 12. But to make it easy for you, alcholics when drinking do everyone to the extreme. Either the obsess about sex or they refrain from sex as much as possible. Like everything else, once a person gets sober they have to learn how to have a balanced sex life.
Then there are men who feel they need to drink to dance and women who feel they need to drink to have sex. The experience of countless sober members has been that you will be just fine if you stop being afraid and just do it.
Then there are men who feel they need to drink to dance and women who feel they need to drink to have sex. The experience of countless sober members has been that you will be just fine if you stop being afraid and just do it.
Guest
Posts: n/a
This is a topic that, IMHO, is not talked about as much as is probably needed. I know that for myself this was a very BIG DEAL in my first few years sober.
For almost 2 decades of my adult life I was using and drinking constantly. It scared me to death thinking of the possibility of being sexual without anything in my system. When I was sober enough to get real honest, I could not remember really ever not being under the influence when I was with someone.
Actually, one of the first things suggested was NO involvements for 1 year. Yeah, right!!!
For the first year, I pretty much continue the same kind of behavior I always had concerning sex. But it seemed that the more I started remembering about some of my experiences - the more difficult it became.
I ended up having to face some serious revelations about things that had happened to me. Anyway, it finally came to me that if I continued trying to be the same as I was, when I was drinking, I would never be able to stay sober. I had to learn the difference between sex and intimacy. Boy, that's a B****!!!
This is a great topic and, I think, very baby steps are needed for some like myself.
For almost 2 decades of my adult life I was using and drinking constantly. It scared me to death thinking of the possibility of being sexual without anything in my system. When I was sober enough to get real honest, I could not remember really ever not being under the influence when I was with someone.
Actually, one of the first things suggested was NO involvements for 1 year. Yeah, right!!!
For the first year, I pretty much continue the same kind of behavior I always had concerning sex. But it seemed that the more I started remembering about some of my experiences - the more difficult it became.I ended up having to face some serious revelations about things that had happened to me. Anyway, it finally came to me that if I continued trying to be the same as I was, when I was drinking, I would never be able to stay sober. I had to learn the difference between sex and intimacy. Boy, that's a B****!!!
This is a great topic and, I think, very baby steps are needed for some like myself.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 1
Sex and Sobriety
I do not know if this is an answer or a question as a long time member with Al-anon and in a relationship with an Alcoholic in recovery this is a subject of query for me. My alcoholics libido seems so far down that there is just no interest in sex. I have read many studies that state that the libido will return in time when the hormone repairs in the body have occured after sustained sobriety. We are both in our forties, and we make time for the relationship and there is very open communication between us. When this issue is brought up, I get the answer " It is about quality, not quanitity." Well if there is none (quantity) how can there be any quality? I wonder if this is a common issue amongst newly sober men, (my alcoholic is sober almost 4 years)as another friend of mine who is also a recovered alcoholic (albeit female)of 14 years says that the men with longterm sobriety tend to be the ones making all of he sexual overtures (13th stepping), perhaps it takes this long for the libido to recover? any thoughts on this issue??? anyone????
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 411
Having sex with a new person in sobriety still makes me very self-conscious and nervous, worried about how I look and if I'm doing the right thing, but I think that's just called being human. 
GG
GG
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: central n00bistan
Posts: 121
Sober sex is amazing. Drunk sex is sloppy and sad.
That said, don't get into a relationship when you are new to sobriety. Like a great sage once said "If you can't love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else?" Can I get an amen.
That said, don't get into a relationship when you are new to sobriety. Like a great sage once said "If you can't love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else?" Can I get an amen.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by nikki07 
I do not know if this is an answer or a question as a long time member with Al-anon and in a relationship with an Alcoholic in recovery this is a subject of query for me. My alcoholics libido seems so far down that there is just no interest in sex. I have read many studies that state that the libido will return in time when the hormone repairs in the body have occured after sustained sobriety. We are both in our forties, and we make time for the relationship and there is very open communication between us. When this issue is brought up, I get the answer " It is about quality, not quanitity." Well if there is none (quantity) how can there be any quality? I wonder if this is a common issue amongst newly sober men, (my alcoholic is sober almost 4 years)as another friend of mine who is also a recovered alcoholic (albeit female)of 14 years says that the men with longterm sobriety tend to be the ones making all of he sexual overtures (13th stepping), perhaps it takes this long for the libido to recover? any thoughts on this issue??? anyone????
Welcome, Nikki!
I don't know what the "average" is, but after four years there shouldn't be anything physical going on (unless there was severe physical damage from the drinking). More likely it's his major sex organ--his brain. Maybe at this point some marital counseling/therapy would be in order--if he's willing, that is.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Nikki I would also suggest that he get checked out by your Dr and have blood work done. My 2nd husband at 4 years sober had no libido whatsoever, and it turned out that his testosterone level was very low, much lower than average or normal. Dr felt at that time that years of drinking may have been the cause.
Once he was on hormonal medication, his libido returned and we had a very satisfying intimate life, before he decided to become a gambler (changing his addiction from alcohol to gambling, lol).
Having a Dr check him out and him being 'honest' with the doctor can't hurt.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Once he was on hormonal medication, his libido returned and we had a very satisfying intimate life, before he decided to become a gambler (changing his addiction from alcohol to gambling, lol).
Having a Dr check him out and him being 'honest' with the doctor can't hurt.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
13th Stepping people are not working the AA program....
regardless of how much time they claim to have in AA.
Welcome, Nikki!...
Hope the 2 of you can work thru this situation....
regardless of how much time they claim to have in AA.
Welcome, Nikki!...
Hope the 2 of you can work thru this situation....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2020
Posts: 2
Confused
I’m new to all of this and don’t know what to do, I met my girlfriend 3 years ago after 6 months of dating she showed no signs of alcohol abuse, and I occasionally will drink a glass of wine for dinner, she moved in with me and 1 month later it all came out she is a binge drinker quart of Bacardi and then 2 days recover, the first time she did it she was so out of control I called the police and had here hauled away, the next morning she called me and apologized and begged for another chance, I agreed but said if it happens again to protect me and yourself I will call the police, for a year we enjoyed each other on a daily bases spent time golfing, traveling, even working together, never had a serious fight then it happened again, same result, went another year no problems and happened again, this time she went to detox and said she was done for sure but 2 weeks out of rehab same thing,
but this time she said she could quit on her own so we spent a week traveling together looking for a private rehab and settled on one in our own state, since she has gone to 60 day inpatient and released to 3 month halfway house and now thru aa is convinced I’m a enabler we are both codependent Toxic etc, etc. etc. do I have to be a priest to be safe for her to be with, I am financial secure we designed a house together that’s half built and I’m retiring in a month and we both planned on traveling together, now that seems like a lot to give up for aa who only had a 10% recovery success, wouldn’t it be better to keep my door open and if aa doesn’t work there are more and better recovery options out there
but this time she said she could quit on her own so we spent a week traveling together looking for a private rehab and settled on one in our own state, since she has gone to 60 day inpatient and released to 3 month halfway house and now thru aa is convinced I’m a enabler we are both codependent Toxic etc, etc. etc. do I have to be a priest to be safe for her to be with, I am financial secure we designed a house together that’s half built and I’m retiring in a month and we both planned on traveling together, now that seems like a lot to give up for aa who only had a 10% recovery success, wouldn’t it be better to keep my door open and if aa doesn’t work there are more and better recovery options out there
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome to SR mark. The burden of getting sober lies squarely on the shoulders of the addict. Sounds like your GF has made some good efforts to get sober, but as you see it's a problem that can come back again and again if one is not vigilant.
Not exactly sure what you are asking to be honest, but you will find a lot of information and support here. One quick note is that this particular thread you replied to is almost 10 years old, so many of the people involved are not part of the site anymore - so you likely won't hear directly from some of them.
You might also want to check out our friends and family forums if you have not yet.
Not exactly sure what you are asking to be honest, but you will find a lot of information and support here. One quick note is that this particular thread you replied to is almost 10 years old, so many of the people involved are not part of the site anymore - so you likely won't hear directly from some of them.
You might also want to check out our friends and family forums if you have not yet.
paradox
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 665
Markdeterman1
Hey, Mark.
I sense your frustration about your alcoholic's changes and she wanting to change your relationship. One of the things you hear in AA meetings is not to make changes in the first year.
I don't know much about you two, but i do know that if you want to find out more about what she is doing in AA, you should consider attending an Alanon meeting. You will find answers there as well as support.
All the best.
~dox
I sense your frustration about your alcoholic's changes and she wanting to change your relationship. One of the things you hear in AA meetings is not to make changes in the first year.
I don't know much about you two, but i do know that if you want to find out more about what she is doing in AA, you should consider attending an Alanon meeting. You will find answers there as well as support.
All the best.
~dox
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