ninthchance

Is it even possible to date when you are still struggling with a drinking problem? I put on this song and dance and seem so "normal" when i go on dates, but i immediately fall back into my old ways the minute after he walks me to my door. i'm really working on things, i'm feeling better, but i still drink. i'm young and really want to get out there and meet people (i used be so depressed i wouldn't leave the apt for days on end) and live somewhat of a normal life, but i feel like a fraud. i think i'm going to have to work on myself before i can let someone into my life again. i just don't see how it can work.

the guy i'm seeing now is sooo nice and a great guy. I feel kind of phony acting like everything is just great and normal with me, but at the same time its unrealistic to unload all your problems on someone when you've only known them for a few weeks, not to mention they will think you are nuts! i don't know...has anyone dealt with this kind of situation before?

Anna

Well, ninthchance, I'm not dating but I relate a lot to what you said about feeling like a fraud. After I stopped drinking and began living a 'normal' life, I felt like a fraud, because people I met didn't know I was an alcoholic. I thought when people got to know me I should tell them the truth so they would see who I really was. But, I came to realize that I am many things - a wife, a mother, a friend, a volunteer, an alcoholic. It's a part of me, but not all of me and just because I don't share that information with very many people doesn't make me a fraud.

In the dating scene, you're right, you shouldn't tell a guy all of that stuff in the first few weeks. It would probably be too much. Follow your instincts and I think you'll know when the time is right. And, remember there's much more to you than being an alcoholic. Working on yourself and feeling comfortable with who you are is the most important aspect of your life.

Love, Anna

Music

See there. You had the answer all the time.

AllThatGlitters

Definitely don't tell him!! I've made that mistake too many times to count. In fact, I would wait a year to tell him. Seriously. Let him get to know you as a person before he knows you as a problem.

If I'd done that every time I had a date, I'd have a bunch of guys wanting to date me right now. But I have such a big freakin' mouth!!

ninthchance

my problem is right now...

i'm kind of wanting to get sober. how do i handle this seeing as how i am in the beginning of a relationship. I have gone out with him a handful of times and I have drinken on every date. He even commented on how well i handled my alcohol (lol- if he only knew!). Do i need to explain myself if i just stop ordering drinks. I've been thinking about saying i'm on a diet or something for a trip i'm going on in a few weeks. Its not that i'm ashamed, which i suppose on some level i am, but mostly that it just feels too early to discuss such a personal, haunting issue with him. Any suggestions?

Anna

Well, ninthchance, I would say that if you want to get sober, then that has to be your first priority. Everything else has to take a back seat and that includes dating and friends. It is really hard to stop drinking and for me it took a lot of focus. It also can involve a lot of hard choices in your life. A lot of people have to change friends and social patterns. You could tell your boyfriend the truth or you could say that you're not drinking right now and let it go at that.

Love, Anna

BubbaBob

The rigorus honesty part of the program, along with being fair to him would indicate that you ought to tell him you are an alcoholic/addict in recovery. TELL him, don't unload. State the fact the same as if you were recovering from cancer.

BubbaBob

ninthchance

yeah...i feel like i could do that...but don't you think that stating you have a drinking problem is "unloading" something on someone...its not like having cancer...it might feel like it is to us....but that's definitely not how other people see it in the outside world. at least not in my experience. in my world it is definitely viewed as a weakness.

splendra

You do not know what is in another persons head.....But, if you really want to be clean it will have to be a priorty. It might be best if you take dating off of your to do list for a while if you want to be sober because you will need all of your energy to find you....

ninthchance

yeah..i think it will take a while for me to figure things out. i think dating is going to take a backseat to everything else.

BubbaBob

It's hard to remember when dealing with someone in a relationship situation, but at least from the standpoint of your recovery, remember thet "it is none of my business what you think of me". If he understands and cares, he'll be OK with it. If not...well...you know if the relationship continues he will know eventually and if it's going to be a problem it's better to know it now.

BubbaBob