100

unfortunately, I relapsed again on cannabis. I'd been feeling poorly for a while now. I had almost 4 months. I keep doing this it's not even that good. only mildly enjoyable. I didn't drink or want to,but it doesn't even matter. it doesn't help,isn't that fun, and I feel worse the next day. then I lie to myself that I don't have problem, and don't need to tell anyone. all lies and its predictable, I tell myself the same lies every time it has happened. I always relapse when I get stuck in life, when I realize nothing is ever going to change. I just have no motivation, and feel tired all the time. the truth is I have been living the stoner life even when completely sober. eating junk food all the time, watching tv all day, only getting up to go to work, and take play with my dog. I have barely been going to meetings, I need to be there! I just don't know what to do, I did a fourth step,did most of my admends, changed most of my bad behaviors. i feel stuck, it almost felt like getting high didn't matter,because my life is already unmanageable, I'm just getting through the day,just surviving. I need so much more,I feel so lonely inside, with dozens of un meet needs,festering like open wounds. I see happy people at meetings I'm not one of them. I isolate because being around people makes my head tell me that I'm garbage. they can stay sober, and they got thier act together. I wish I knew what to do, I pray and I pray, that I'll change but I feel hopless that I will. the only idea is do another 4 step and 5step because I didn't get much relief from doing the last one. I know the big book inside and out. I can quote chapter and verse, but what good has it done me. I didn't leave anything out, why didn't it work. I just don't know anymore. I've been going to aa off and on since I was 23, I just keep relapsing. I've worked the steps several times, I try to live by the principles, I tell the truth, I treat others respectfuly, I help out where I can. I have no enthusiasm for life, getting out of bed is so annoying, why do it everything sucks. doing fun things doesn't feel good, I went skiing felt so anxious and constantly analyzing if my skiing form was perfect that It felt like a chore. I feel okay, until I have to leave the house then I feel terrible, so anxious. I have constant thoughts when around others of not being enough, they don't really like me. just anxious thought spirals, that aren't thier when I alone it bed. my life makes me so sad, I'm wasting it. I'm trying, but my head keeps me from doing what I need to do to be happy.
David

Dee74

personally I think weed is about the worst thing you can throw on top of any kind of mental illness, David.
It will be hard but I think you just have to keep trying for 100% recovery - you're worth the effort, right?

D

biminiblue

As long as you keep thinking this way life is going to be difficult.

It's up to you and within your power to change the way you are thinking - about everything.

How about volunteering somewhere? All the time alone doesn't sound like it's helping you.

Grymt

Everything everywhere is always continually changing.



It is clinging that creates the delusion that something is permanent or unchanging.



There is nothing that does not change. It is the awareness that it is so that leads to happiness.



For most people this seems counterintuitive. Life is full of a series of vigorous attempts to make things last, to stay the same. Youth for example. Yet every moment there is aging. Health? Always changing. Everything changes.



Paradoxically (seemingly) the sought for happiness starts to emerge as one starts to be aware of and accept this continual change.



For ten minutes every morning and evening. Sit comfortably with closed eyes and relax. Start to become aware of the undercurrent of changing feelings and thoughts.

KTB5000

I can relate to a lot of what you wrote about; you4 feelings around social situations and lack of motivation. I hope I find the impetus and courage to live the type of life that I see others in recovery live. I also know my my comfort zones and areas that I am unable or unwilling to change. Praying for you David.