Help needed with grieving binge drinking partner
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2022
Posts: 45
Help needed with grieving binge drinking partner
Originally Posted by Hen1 
Hi all, I posted here some years ago re an ex bf who was an alcoholic. I have a new partner for the last 1.5 years and we have been really happy, close with each others family and friends and planning for the future. Lately I'm worried about his drinking though.
I have however noticed that he has a tendency to binge drink (unfortunately common and accepted in United Kingdom) and I'm usually not with him when he does but he has previouslys sent me mean messages at that time e.g last year he lost his job and was super stressed, got drunk, and texted me he was finished with me, I'd ruined everything and so on.
I wasnt used to this and was immediately calling and texting him to reconsider that I loved him and adored him etc etc. He just kept sending mean messages. I turned my phone off. The next day I expected a big apology but nothing came. I contacted him some days later and he told me he never meant it about breaking up, just the job loss stress had gotten to him and he was drunk and didn't mean what he said. We discussed it and left it at that.
Cut to this week:
Btw i'm 35 and my OH is 59. We are at a distance right now but not for much longer, we see each other every 2 weeks so it isn't too bad.
Anyway his close friend died 9 days ago and since then he has absolutely fallen apart. He canceled a trip home this weekend saying he needed time alone and that he was worried he would take his bad mood out on me and I didn't deserve it. As it turned out, he spent most of the weekend talking to me anyway, telling me he loves me and he's so glad for my support and he regrets not coming but thought it was the best decision at the time so no problem. He's been excited for our next visit next week and was clear to say that not coming was nothing to do with me or our relationship but his grief.
I think also this bereavement has made him worry about his own mortality.
Anyway, on Tuesday, he told me he was taking the day off work which is very unlike him. I had to go to hospital for an infusion today and he wished me luck.
When I went to hospital I sent a video (nothing gory) to my father as he asked how it was. I accidentally added it to my WhatsApp status for one minute before OH text to say I should delete it, which I did.
But OH then went crazy saying it was a private thing and I shouldn't share it and his friends would be asking what was wrong with me and I explained it was posted to MY status and no one else saw it and it was deleted within a minute anyway..
I sent the video to my father (just of an IV drip) and he didn't say anything other than good luck,he clearly didn't find the video weird or OTT or gory.
Anyway OHs last message to me on tuesday out of nowhere was "I'm done with us."
I did not reply.
I believe he was drinking heavily and in the pub during these messages. I thibk he is depressed and grieivng. But as said he's recently just been saying how happy he is and grateful for me and my support etc. Our relationship hasn't been having hard times.
The only thing that's changed is his recent bereavement of a close friend 9 days ago which he isn't dealing well with.
I feel like he is taking his grief out on me. The mean messages and break up talk come when drunk.
Help?
I'm so upset. He was so happy with our relationship and my support even 4 days ago and now this. I sent him a reasonably nice text last night saying I realise how much pain he's in but how he spoke to me wasn't OK etc and hope he's OK, hug etc. He came back to me saying he has his kids to hug and he feels great, the pressure is off. I replied "what pressure please talk to me soon I love you" and silence.
from how cold that message was I believe he was drinking again and drunk. He is normally so kind to me but those death has triggered his binge drinking i think.
I don't understand what it means, I havent been pressuring him for anything and he was so happy with us as said days ago.
sorry for how long this is but I'm feeling distraught, our relationship has been so good and I love him but I'm so worried about what he's said to me, and the over feature of alcohol etc. I don't know what to do but guess I'll stag silent for some days and hope he's apologised. I know his behaviour is awful.
any advice appreciated so much please.
I have however noticed that he has a tendency to binge drink (unfortunately common and accepted in United Kingdom) and I'm usually not with him when he does but he has previouslys sent me mean messages at that time e.g last year he lost his job and was super stressed, got drunk, and texted me he was finished with me, I'd ruined everything and so on.
I wasnt used to this and was immediately calling and texting him to reconsider that I loved him and adored him etc etc. He just kept sending mean messages. I turned my phone off. The next day I expected a big apology but nothing came. I contacted him some days later and he told me he never meant it about breaking up, just the job loss stress had gotten to him and he was drunk and didn't mean what he said. We discussed it and left it at that.
Cut to this week:
Btw i'm 35 and my OH is 59. We are at a distance right now but not for much longer, we see each other every 2 weeks so it isn't too bad.
Anyway his close friend died 9 days ago and since then he has absolutely fallen apart. He canceled a trip home this weekend saying he needed time alone and that he was worried he would take his bad mood out on me and I didn't deserve it. As it turned out, he spent most of the weekend talking to me anyway, telling me he loves me and he's so glad for my support and he regrets not coming but thought it was the best decision at the time so no problem. He's been excited for our next visit next week and was clear to say that not coming was nothing to do with me or our relationship but his grief.
I think also this bereavement has made him worry about his own mortality.
Anyway, on Tuesday, he told me he was taking the day off work which is very unlike him. I had to go to hospital for an infusion today and he wished me luck.
When I went to hospital I sent a video (nothing gory) to my father as he asked how it was. I accidentally added it to my WhatsApp status for one minute before OH text to say I should delete it, which I did.
But OH then went crazy saying it was a private thing and I shouldn't share it and his friends would be asking what was wrong with me and I explained it was posted to MY status and no one else saw it and it was deleted within a minute anyway..
I sent the video to my father (just of an IV drip) and he didn't say anything other than good luck,he clearly didn't find the video weird or OTT or gory.
Anyway OHs last message to me on tuesday out of nowhere was "I'm done with us."
I did not reply.
I believe he was drinking heavily and in the pub during these messages. I thibk he is depressed and grieivng. But as said he's recently just been saying how happy he is and grateful for me and my support etc. Our relationship hasn't been having hard times.
The only thing that's changed is his recent bereavement of a close friend 9 days ago which he isn't dealing well with.
I feel like he is taking his grief out on me. The mean messages and break up talk come when drunk.
Help?
I'm so upset. He was so happy with our relationship and my support even 4 days ago and now this. I sent him a reasonably nice text last night saying I realise how much pain he's in but how he spoke to me wasn't OK etc and hope he's OK, hug etc. He came back to me saying he has his kids to hug and he feels great, the pressure is off. I replied "what pressure please talk to me soon I love you" and silence.
from how cold that message was I believe he was drinking again and drunk. He is normally so kind to me but those death has triggered his binge drinking i think.
I don't understand what it means, I havent been pressuring him for anything and he was so happy with us as said days ago.
sorry for how long this is but I'm feeling distraught, our relationship has been so good and I love him but I'm so worried about what he's said to me, and the over feature of alcohol etc. I don't know what to do but guess I'll stag silent for some days and hope he's apologised. I know his behaviour is awful.
any advice appreciated so much please.
My partner argued me by drunk text especially days ago and ended with "we are done". He has done this before (a year ago) when in a similar crisis - this time his best friend has just sadly died, that time he had lost his job (the loss was not drinking related).
He has a tendency to be really mean via text when drunk. The following day I responded and told him I understood his pain and cared about him but the way he spoke to me was not OK. Ended by saying big hug.
He replied saying he has children to hug and feels great the pressure is off.
This message is so cold and cruel that I think hexwas drunk. I responded that I love him and want to talk. No answer. That was Wednesday now its Friday. Tomorrow is 2 weeks since his best friend died.
Our relationship was going great until this bereavement and he'd thanked me recently for my support etc and said how glad he is to have me.
I guess what I'm asking is did you ever send horrible texts you didn't mean to loved ones when drunk? Any advice? I don't want tocgive up on him but I want him to contact me, I won't contact him again now
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,477
Hi Hen
I’ve been reading your other thread in FFA and I really couldn’t do better than Hawkeyes reply there:
I think you deserve better too 
D
I’ve been reading your other thread in FFA and I really couldn’t do better than Hawkeyes reply there:
Alcoholism is progressive. This may be as good as it gets, and most likely the binges and nastiness will keep increasing. I think ToughChoice’s idea of no contact for now and focusing on your own life is a much better choice.
Some people really do have the idea that they can be as nasty as they like when drinking and yet all should be forgiven and forgotten when you approach them to try to mend fences, or understand what happened. This is not a trustworthy life partner in the long term, unless they are willing to give up the drink, and dig deep to work on the core issues that cause such hurtful behavior towards someone they claim to love.
My suspicion is same as some others—he drinks far more than you know, he is possibly worried he won’t be able to behave that way living with you, and I urge you to think long and hard about sharing a home with someone who already has treated you so badly for no reason. Surely you deserve better?
Some people really do have the idea that they can be as nasty as they like when drinking and yet all should be forgiven and forgotten when you approach them to try to mend fences, or understand what happened. This is not a trustworthy life partner in the long term, unless they are willing to give up the drink, and dig deep to work on the core issues that cause such hurtful behavior towards someone they claim to love.
My suspicion is same as some others—he drinks far more than you know, he is possibly worried he won’t be able to behave that way living with you, and I urge you to think long and hard about sharing a home with someone who already has treated you so badly for no reason. Surely you deserve better?
D
Member
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 259
I have a friend who does this quite often. He hears about the death of someone, both close and distant and then proceeds to drink and cry about it for a few days. What does he do for the grieving family? Nothing. Nothing at all. It’s just another reason, among others, to go down the binge path and lash out at various people who have nothing to do with his “loss”. If he quit drinking then I bet he might actually be able to do something for the grieving family but until then he is stuck on centering himself and his own desires and masking it as empathy.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
