100

I realize in hindsight :now one huge reason for my relapse was that,i didn't work on areas of my life I find incredibly unsatisfying ,because I was afraid to do so. I kept waiting to be less tired less depressed and more movtated. Getting sober should about living life not just existing, I was living mostly the same way when I was drinking.The main difference I was doing social things a few times a week. I worked the steps but continued to hide from life, I wasn't showing up.
I wasn't following through and continued to procrast. yes I need to do the steps again ,but mostly I need to show up. I realize that's easier said than done, afterall I've lived this irresponsibly way for the last decade, not showing avoiding hard things. it Hurts so much when you know the things that you need to do, but you seem incapable of even attempting to do so. So im telling all my aa compatriots to assist me by holding me accountable. I have help I need to use it. I'm seeing the world a little differently this time I have friends I'm not alone. My disease tells my I'm alone that know one cares ect, it simply isn't true. People care I'm loved as had as this is for me to believe right now, it's true. My dreams can come true, a life can be made right, its never to late. I'm not letting my disease win I have a life to live after all.
David

BrianinLondon

Hi 100. This is an interesting post. One thing I grapple with in my sobriety is knowing that "Doing things I don't want to do" as it says in the Just for Today card is good for me but that there are limits to this - and trying to figure out exactly where those limits lie. One big reason I struggled to get sober for so long was that I kept exposing myself to stressful people and experiences - thinking this is what I _should_ be able to do in life. What this amounted to was trying to stay in the good graces of many different people who weren't that bothered about me and trying to live a life that appeared full to the outside world. I look back on those years and sometimes it felt like I was trying to push water uphill in ticking all those boxes.

The damaging ways that this way of living and thinking manifested were:
- People pleasing
- Not being true to myself
- Spending money on stuff that wasn't going to make me happy
- Being around people that weren't a natural fit for me
- Constantly worrying what other people thought of me
- Not really knowing who I was or what I really wanted - as I never allowed myself to be completely uninfluenced by others and any sort of obligation to live my life in a certain way.

When I got sober, I eliminated nearly all of my big stressors except for work and cut off many "friends" that weren't making me happy. I also am reluctant to enter into a relationship as I can see how it's so easy to make one's happiness contingent on the treatment you receive from the other party. Now this is where the dilemma comes in: I live on my own, I have a good job, I have freedom to go where I want and do where I want and I love being out in nature and just taking it all in - my social interactions I limit to the occasional dinner, coffee, whatsapp messages and meetings with fellows. Am I cutting myself off from the world and isolating too much? I don't know, I guess I will find out but right now it feels right (mostly, sometimes I worry it is a bit "wrong"!).

Doing the steps has allowed me to take a step back and realise that it's not all about me. And if I'm just another human being on this earth trying to get by to the best of my ability why _should_ I feel compelled to live my life in any particular way? Now, I'm comfortable with this position currently but I'm fully open to the sense that this might change - and as I mature and grow in my sobriety I will learn how to approach a relationship in the right way or to cultivate the right friendships and relationships, working, personal or otherwise. This will take time but I am not going to rush it.

That all being said, I do know that the "doing things I don't want to do" line in the just for today card is there for a reason - I do need to be a bit bolder in exposing myself to a greater variety of social situations and not always say no to invites. I do also think, in time, I need to figure out a way of entering into a healthy relationship that will make my life fuller and to overcome my fear of (a) rejection and (b) having to make compromises in life - as someone who never needs to make compromises, I feel like I am skipping a big challenge of life as a social creature!

Not sure if any of this helps - I guess the main takeaway is: go easy on yourself and take it one step at a time. Throw yourself into the steps first, then tackle the other things in due course.